[quantumfluct3]

I don't know how I can sustain being in a relationship with my girlfriend... She doesn't put me first. I fall behind her job, her dog, her mental health and herself. She pushes me away, has 2 phones which means she barely speaks to me and probably half of our time is spent discussing her issues, her mental health, her struggles.

Part of me knows this will never work. Part of me wants to give up. But I love her. I've never met someone who makes me want to be the best version of me. I'm willing to do anything for her. But she can't offer me what I need.

I don't ask for much. I've approached her on the issue of communicating as she won't message me for hours when she's been online. She will read my messages and just not answer my questions after hours of no response. We never have sex. She's been to mine 3 times in a year. All I want is just a bit more on these fronts. I want a bit more commitment to the relationship by actually booking future plans.

She lies, acts weird, has mentioned meeting up with ex sexual partners, will push me away, argue in a defensive manner when I pull her up on her behaviour, claims she gets distracted from replying to me. It's as though I'm dating someone who doesn't want me when I'm not with her but then when I'm with her it's mostly great.

Such a mind fuck.

I went round hers and looked after her, walked her dog, cooked for her, cleaned and got her hot water bottles. I went wayyyy out of my way and then today when I asked How's she's feeling, she ignored that?! Like wtf. Then takes 2 hours to reply to each of my messages. But she's online on her work phone on social media all day. I now can't see when she's using her personal mobile but she will have been using it and just chosen not to talk to me.

Erg.

[quantumfluct3]

Christmas has been a mixture of amazing, emotional, tiring and feeling like my partner will never want to be sexual enough. The list of excuses to push me away when any kind of intimacy pops up is now a really sad moment. Headaches, period pains, anxiety, nausia, work, tiredness... This list goes on and on and on. Every week it's a lottery.

It's Christmas. We have time off together where I've stayed over 9 nights? Not had sex once. We're in our 30s. We've had sex twice in 4 months. Even satisfying each other is pushed aside. Peck only kissing.

Meh. I love her but I think I need to wait and see how the rest of our time off goes to see how I approach our future. I don't need sex but I need to feel wanted.

What a mindfuck. One mental health relationship to another and then another. I've tried more than most people would. Maybe thsts why it gets to this state - people usually give up.

[quantumfluct3]

I'm in love with Lauren.... But there is an underlying doubt this will work. The self sabotage she was displaying last night and the overall mental health and struggle she talks about constantly is draining.

Sometimes when we se each other the entire time we are together is spent discussing how overwhelmed she is and focusing on mental health. Not quite how I want to spend my time with her but I see enough to keep trying.

I just can't get over how we went on holiday, had an amazing time and then bam straight back to the questioning and suggestions we might not be right for each other.

I ask if things are fine with us and she tells me they are. So I then have to explain that the conversations we've had are conflicting - which she agrees with me.

Overall I'm happy and she does improve my life. She's opened my eyes to how a relationship can be. It's a relief at times to have her by my side and not Sarah or Amy. But she also displays Amy like traits. Such a mindfuckery of a situation at times.

[quantumfluct3]

Went on holiday with Lauren and had an absolute blast. The best time. I really feel in love with her. However. We get home and I notice she's been her usual self where she's not replying and she's saying she's stressed, overwhelmed and all the usual. But she's not working?! And I go round tonight and she's saying things that are self sabotage.

I'm going to speak to Laura about this (my counsellor). I had to say something to Lauren and explain that she sounds like she's trying to talk to me and say things that are restrictive of our future in a way where she's suggesting I should get out.

The level of mind fuck... I talk to her on holiday about our future and explain fully that I'm fine with taking this slow. But now says she doesn't want to get married as she can't have her mum there. This is some sort of ridiculous leap. Apparently we have to do it in Vegas and it's just us. Not that I've actually genuinely brought it up other than 'I can see her being in my life for a while' and that I'm excited to do holidays and enjoy doing nice things with her.

I mentioned that some of the things she says are a little controlling and it's frustrating. I said I was struggling to word my feelings because I didn't want to say anything the jeopardise the relationship as it isn't my intention. Meanwhile, she's saying loads of things that would totally mind fuck her if I said them....

I'm desperate for some advice on this. Part of me wants to tell her just how I feel but I know that would ruin things. But she's saying things and acting in a way that could really hurt this relationship for me.

Every time her period comes this happens. Erg.

[quantumfluct3]

I love spending time with Lauren. We are very different people but I don't expect to have everything in common with someone. We went swimming today and whilst spending quite a while in the jacuzzi we discussed some differences and how they're fine. Then we talked about living together - I don't think that would be any time soon but it would be something I'd happily do soon.

There are still some issues... And the relentless talking about mental health is a problem.

But yeah this weekend was interesting as Lauren and Sarah met... And then a huge dog attacked Teddy and I basically saved his life. Lauren was so upset - I was just glad to avoid any injury.

[quantumfluct3]

Things with Lauren are a bit of a struggle at times. I haven't had my sertraline as I had a problem signing into my account. I'm experiencing a lot of the withdrawal symptoms and that is sucking pretty bad!

The communication thing is something I need to speak with my counsellor about as there are 2 sides to this - it isn't a problem and it is a problem. The problem is there is a lack of communication, which is generally fine, but the communication I do receive can be negative like 'I'm so busy I can't see you' or something to suggest bad mental health. It is fine to communicate less, it is fine to be busy with work and it is fine to have a bad day with mental health. It just isn't really ideal for a relationship is it though...

I'm trying my fucking best in so many areas of my life to make things work but I'm being challenged a lot and my patience is struggling to hold this all together.

However, I am feeling a lot of love for Lauren when I'm with her and I genuinely look forward to being with her (hence struggling with not seeing her). Like once a week isn't enough if we live in the same fucking city and it's a 25 minute walk for me.

My job is all over the place and my mood is all over the shop. Hopefully this prescription is ready tomorrow and I can resume a normal way if life.

If this all fails, this is the final time I put this much effort into a job and a relationship in this city. I'm already on the 'let's get the fuck out of here' page. Anything additional will make me do it. If I could move to the coast that would be ideal. Just not a shithole.

[quantumfluct3]

Rarely come on here these days. I've not had any alcohol for 8 weeks and Lauren is now. My girlfriend.

My life changed quite massively because I had a bit of a crazy 36 hours. I think I'm going to try to do a year without drinking whilst I sort my life out.

I have totally changed my priorities and I feel miles better. Rare I can say I'm happy - when I'm with Lauren I feel happy. I've made some commission at work and hopefully in the next 6 months I'll be debt free. But no pressure.

Still a lot of work to do.

[quantumfluct3]

Realised I've had this blog for nearly 15 years. Holy shit. Literally wow. The things that have happened in that time. If I had to re-do it all I would definitely without a hesitation say no fucking way. Some great times but mainly bad. I honestly think that was roughly when I became more depressed and Im now in a terrible situation. Fuck me. I'm just wasting my life now.

If I had advice for me back then..... Jeez. Id tell myself to get a full time job, stay at home, be happy and carefree.

Also I've changed a lot. Like a serious amount.

[quantumfluct3]

I've just watched Finch at Brixton Academy from when I saw them there in 2013. That was up there with the best ever gigs ive been to. I'm sad. Gigs aren't the same.

I think I've been depressed for a very very long time and to claw anything back I have to drink and it's shit.

I miss being young. My life went in a bad direction. I blame so many things and people but it's my fault. I did this. I wish from the absolute depths of my entire being things were different. What's happened. Things I've said. The situation. Now. Fucking fuck.

I can't keep doing this. It's a saying I say often. But. I can't keep doing this. I actually can't. I don't know how on earth to sort it out.

One option I have to explore is my bank cards. Limited spending. But also I want anti depressants. I think I need them.

[quantumfluct3]

Lauren... What a complete mindfuck

[quantumfluct3]

Soooo this is probably the most sober or non hungover post I've made in a while. My life over the last 5 and a half years has been fucking awful. The absolute worst moments in my life have happened. So many bad things.

I moved and there are a few key things.

My health is better. Literally I cannot explain how much better I feel. Living in that house I may have been stressed out but along with that I was both, sharing a kitchen and a bathroom. On top of this there was an extremely sad mold issue in the airing cupboard.

Not sharing a wall with someone where I can hear their every movement is refreshing. Having to listen to each prick that lived in that room... I was absolutely fucking done. All 3 of them had seriously painful traits to deal with and I put it down to 'only a fucking idiot would love in a middle room'.

I've started dating Lauren. We've had sex a few times and I feel very close to her. She has her own issues but she understands me well. There are a lot of things I cannot tell her - this is a problem for me. I do feel I would love to be proud to share everything with someone. The only person in the world I've done this with is Sarah. I love Sarah but putting myself through the heartache would be detrimental to my mental health.

I'm doing well at work. I'm sort of settled but it could be temporary. I'm not sure. I'm handling being part of banter better but it still annoys me. I'm about to make decent money in commission so that's great.

What do I do going forward? I'm going to focus on work, Lauren and rectifying my life slowly. Being so close to work is ideal. I can walk everywhere and I'm not drinking as much really.

I want to stop drinking for a bit. Now is the ideal time and realistically suits me. I've done one thing to try and help that already and seeing Lauren will be the Ideal help.

I want to keep seeing her and get to know her. I fancy her and I feel close to her. I really like touching her. We're becoming closer. It would be easier if she wasn't so literal but there we go. I don't like her dog that much and the dog walk was very odd.

I need a solid period of my life doing nothing. Work, home, working on my list of things I need to do.

One final thing. I went for a walk Sunday and I was walking through the streets of Norwich. I think my love for this city is completely diminished. I hate seeing specific places. I hate the memories. I absolutely hate how it makes me feel every emotion. The bad outweigh the good now. I'm going to spend this year working on myself.

Slowly, with commission I can get out of debt. Slowly I can work on my issues. Eventually I'll be able to change and be a positive happy person.

[quantumfluct3]

I could write so much with what's been going on. Im not sure how to feel. A mix of happy, stressed, needing a break, needing help, guidance, companionship, every emotion possible with my job.

I honestly don't know. I need to spend some time thinking about all this and try to simplify my life.

[quantumfluct3]

Was chatting to Crime in stereo last night and they said they're very sure Brand New will get back together and play London. Like very sure.

I'll do anything to see them.

[quantumfluct3]

The new Thursday music is the best material they've put out in forever. I'm really really enjoying it. Geoff is a very good singer. I kind of wish they screamed a bit more but there we go.

Get a bit of it in the new music which is good. One of those bands where I saw them at give it a name festival back in 08 and would actually like to see them play their own gig - but they'll never come to Norwich and I'm not going to London for them.

Taking Inventory of A Frozen Lake is very good. Lyrically one of their strongest songs for absolutely donkeys.

It's bands like this I was into back when I was growing up that I do love listening to but rarely do these days. Heavy music took over. Emo music is my actual love and I enjoy actually singing along. I have to make more effort to play this sort of thing more instead of metalcore (my favourite genre is metalcore but I just need to chill for a while).

Erg. I need to wind down and go to bed soon. I'm enjoying music and chilling though. I'm also insanely hungry but nothing I want. I'll have to eat when I get up I guess.

[quantumfluct3]

Honestly only a handful of people I follow post anymore and it's quite a rollercoaster when you look at who you followed and no longer have contact with.

From afar I've seen some people's lives and it's been weird. We're all so different on our own socials.

I even met a follower for the first time recently.... Bloody hell. When I set this up I never did it for that. It was supposed to be more anonymous. But I think my own personality meant I followed some more local people. Just to add, I was glad to meet and they were absolutely lovely. My friends all got on and I'll be happily inviting them to gigs going forward.

The type of person who would drive me home even though it's really out of the way. And invite me to theirs on Nye. That's better than my old friends and I am glad to have more positive friendships in my life of late. If you see this, just ask to hang out - If I'm free I'll say yes.

This year I'm going to be spending a lot of time on my own probably. I need to try and change my relationship with pubs etc. meet people who understand that it isn't the only option to do something.

[quantumfluct3]

I've been reconnecting to a lot of music from my past over the past year or 2. I'm 35 now and I'm listening to music from my teens. It's nuts. 20 years. I'm so lucky to have grown up with so many great bands who toured Norwich. Nowadays there's a lot that won't.

I miss my teens. I was a different person. I honestly don't know the exact trigger that changed everything. I think I've always had this in me and I put on weight so I'm not fit now which is making things worse. I used to be THE fittest person. If we went down the park I was the one that could run the longest, furthest, fastest and it was unrelated. I honestly remember being terrible at sport but people would pick me because I was determined. I was this guy who gave everything and would make that make me good. I got good.

When I went to gigs I'd come out of the pit fucking dry. I was singing every word. I was in the pit. I would go nuts and come out like nothing had happened. Now I come out hands on knees like I'm dying. I still have that same mind that wants to be involved. I want to sing, get involved, release all my energy and tension and sing the words. But the bands I used to love and know every fucking word to never come here. I never see them. It's all heavy music.

Its virtually impossible to know all the words to bands now. I also like SO much music the vast choice is just crazy. I thought I knew a lot of music back in 2008. Now it's 2025 and I'm like fuck. There's just been so much music. So many bands. So much it's.... I must have seen, live, at least 700 different bands. Around 400 odd I like. And I reckon in terms of gigs. I've been to a lot. 17 festivals. Probably at least 200-300 shows. I've seen a lot of those bands 2-8 times odd.

I miss being young. The unknown. The sheer excitement for anything coming up. I have so many stories.... And now it feels like everything now is just another night. Another thing. Meh. I enjoyed it at the time. But we move on.

One thing I think would help. I could do with doing the things I do alongside someone. Like it's weird. Sarah showed me her gif book and the gigs she went to as a teenager were ones I'd have either been at or wanted to go to. I miss all that.

I'm excited for the gigs I have coming up but it's all bands I've seen. We need some kind of emo pop punk revival tour in the UK. Fuck.

[quantumfluct3]

I'm listening to Brand New. They're so perfect. I honestly knew I loved them the first time I ever heard them. It was on mtv. The music video for The Quiet Things was on mtv I think. I've then downloaded their stuff, liked it. Downloaded their new album one day and I put it on full blast on my speakers with my sub. Fell asleep a bit when I went ultra quiet and BAM the song kicked off and it made me shoot out of my skin. I then listened to them skiing and it was that 'I really like this band no one else I know even knows'. Saw them at Reading 07 and they were unbelievable. I ended up seeing them 6 times I think it is. I went to Birmingham, saw them in London.

I was meant to see them in 4 days or something when they broke up. I was in a pub with Sarah and let out and yell of nooooooo when I read the allegations and then the news.

I've read it all. I genuinely have. What happened with that girl was nothing that should have escalated to them breaking up. She posted online that she was going out to sleep with him. All she wanted was sex and she was basically following him doing anything to make it happen. She had mental health and it was what turned her to drugs. She turned into this obsessive person who did everything she could to get what she could or wanted. The. 12 years odd later she blames Jesse for her bipolar?!?!? It's tragic for both sides because clearly she needed help and Jesse had moved on a lot. He had kids and was married. After Brand New broke up his child died.

I feel like I really wish we could have them back again. I wanted to see Science Fiction live and it was mine and Sarah's band we loved. They were always amazing live.