I am a 15 year old female living in Utah. I go by she/her (but am not bothered if people call me anything else). I am a demisexual-biseual-panromantic.
When I was little I had one friend I usually hung out with. She and I would hold hands all of the time, being little kids, but yet people (in our grade, first graders) would make fun of us and call us lesbian. After a long time of wondering and asking my older sisters what it meant, I found out. But yet, it never bothered me. Growing up (even though I know I'm not completely grown up yet) I had always been the most open-minded in my family. I belived that regardless of anything, who a person was is what mattered. They're actions and how they treat others. And I think that is why I have such great friends as I do now.
However, one day my mother had told my three siblings and I that if any of us weren't straight or didn't believe ourselves to be the gender we were born as, that she would kick us out of the house. This thought terrified me and I never considered myself to be anything other than heterosexual.
As time grew on, I felt abnormal and slightly ashamed that, unlike my friends, I didn't instantly think that a guy was cute or that I wanted to date someone. In fact, I rarely even thought about attraction towards others, and when I did it was with good friends. And I didn't want to risk ruining the friendship. But, afraid of being an outcast, I pretended to like people who I cared not for at all. And I told my friends that I had feelings for someone who I didn't, wanting to fit in.
I kept how I really felt rather oblivious to myself until I started junior high. I always had thoughts of other girls whom I had been close friends with, but, under the impression that I wasn't suppose to think of things like that myself, always tried to intervene a guy somewhere. Junior high, 8th grade, was when I met my first friends who did not fit in the heterosexual part of the spectrum. After meeting them and establishing a solid friendship, I finally allowed myself to wonder about my own sexuality, but generally pushed the thought from my mind due to constantly doubting myself and not thinking it was possible for me to have attraction to anyone who was not of the male gender.
My first mind-overpowering question of my sexuality presented itself the summer before my freshman year(9th grade) of high school. I had met and formed a strong, deep connection with a person over the internet. We were very close friends, and I had felt a strong attraction to them. Even though we had been friends for such a long time, I had not known the gender and by their typing patterns and personality assumed they were a male. However, only a few days into my growing attraction for them did I find out that they were a girl. This is when I then began to question myself, mostly from shock.
A part of me then tried to deny my feelings from them and repeatedly said "You're talking to a girl" in my head during every conversation. However, that did nothing. My feelings continued to grow, and that is when I realized that it really made sense. I had always liked people after I had gotten to know them and their personality. And so I just slowly accepted it. It felt right, but not completely right. Since then, nearly a year and a half ago, I have been wondering if I were bisexual or pansexual. It was only recently that I was drowning in my confusion and pain of not knowing enough that I searched for hours all of the different sexualities up, and I finally feel like I understand this part of myself.
A week or two after accepting that I could have feelings for more than one gender, I confided in my friends. From the few I were closest to, I did not get a reaction that I wanted. It's not that they were homophobic, not at all. Quite the opposite actually, they were all either in the lgbt+ community or an ally of the community. But, their reactions were that of disbelief. None of them had know any of the things that had led up to my acceptance of my attraction. They still don't know most of the things I have said above (although the know most things from here on). One of them had expressed feelings of being upset because of what I have said, because they struggled for years about their sexuality and I had no apparent struggle at all. I just accepted that they didn't believe me, and held on to the thought that in the future, they would.
That girl who had made me finally realize that I wasn't straight and I started dating. We dated for 5 months and 17 days, and although its been over for 10 months now, she will always hold a place of deep love in my heart, for multiple reasons. I was so troubled about hiding my, what I thought was my whole sexuality (which I believed to be bisexual at that time, although I was still confused), from my parents, but mostly from my mother. I was terrified to say anything, but in pain from not doing so. So one day, I decided to do something about it.
I told my sister, as a lead up to telling my parents (Not wanting to tell them just yet in fear of being kicked out as my mother had threatened so many years ago). She was very accepting and even asked if there were any girls I had liked. However, what she told me when I told her that I was going to tell our parents was that they would just think it was a phase and tell me that I need to go talk to our bishop about my feelings. This made me quite upset and I withheld telling them for 2 more weeks.
The day I told my parents I wasn't planning to tell them at all anymore. But, I suddenly one day felt the need to do so. I told my girlfriend what I was to do and then left my room, packing a few things in a bag just in case they kicked me out. I already had a plan. If they told me to leave, I would do so without objection, grabbing my bag and walking to a friend's house to stay there. Making sure that I called child services when I got there to let them know of the situation so my friend's parents (who actually wanted their daughter to be bisexual or lesbian) wouldn't get in trouble. I then put the plan I had made a month ago in action.
All that resulted from the conversation was my father's silence and my mother's great disapproval. I was not kicked out of my house. Instead, I sat in their room for 2 or 3 hours as my mother told me about how she wouldn't let me go any places with a girl I was interested in and if they came over to my house my dad would have to watch everything we did constantly. I got a lecture about it being a phase and them trying to find out why I thought I was interested in girls. I was shaking in slight rage the whole time.
It was not too long ago when a friend of mine asked me a question about whether I would screw someone or not (it was a really weird conversation and we all had been hanging out for 6 hours already and were deadpan tired). I was instantly lost in my pit where my confusion on my sexuality was. Within a few seconds of the question I stared at them hopelessly and gave the smallest of shrugs as a response. They just said "Okay". I continues to fall deeper in this pit for two days before doing something about it. I looked up as many sexualities as I could find for 2 or 3 hours. Any that I thought I might have identified with I opened up in new tabs to look at again in the end.
When demisexual popped up I instantly felt like it described me. I had seen the name before, multiple times, and had wondered what it was, even at random times in my day, but had never looked it up before. Next, I saw panromantic pop up and my body flooded with a peaceful understand gone. My confusion disappeared as if someone had lit a candle that consumed it and emitted a wonderful smell of apple cider and cinnamon.
I was so happy to finally see words that completed in describing me. I instantly started to try to tell my friend, but as time passed by and they hadn't seen it yet, my excitement slowly faded, my body calming down. I then became completely terrified by the time they had seen and responded. A feeling of dread filled me as I slowly typed up the message. I was scared that they wouldn't believe me again. But, as this was the friend who had asked me the question a few days before with my awkward and confused response, I pushed myself to send it. I was hoping they got the hint from the other day.
They were happy for me. Appearing to accept it instantly. I was relieved and my spirits rose again. I haven't told too many people yet, but I have hinted at things. People will know when the time is right and either way, it shouldn't matter all too much. It doesn't change who I am.
I believe that it is very important to accept and be proud of your sexuality or gender identity. It is a part of what makes us all beautiful and unique in this world. If it is safe, you should be open about it to others. Your real friends and real family won't think that changes whether you're a good person or not. Because it doesn't! We should be able to love who we do, regardless of who we like. The same goes for gender identity! Although I myself, have never questioned my gender as a girl, one of my closest friends is agender. And I support them through and through. If you feel like you are one thing, even if everyone else is saying that you are another, you are what you feel, not what other's say you are.
What we feel is what helps to make us who we are. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too.We think, react, and act differently depending on our feelings. What we believe we are, or even know we are, help us be who we are. Have the personalities we do.
Everything you feel is important, and don't let anyone downgrade you or say it's not, because we are all beautiful.
Let's be proud to be in the LGBTQIA+ community!!!!!!!!
