Quellie.

They say if a writer loves you, you will never die. I'm not a writer, but I'll love you until the ink goes dry.

[quelvera]

Sometimes I come across poetry that makes me soft inside, but I’m scared to admit I like them. 

I’m used to seeing people being laughed at for being too emotional, too serious, people being told this shouldn’t be shared. But why shouldn’t emotion be shared? 

It shouldn’t be like this. 

When I have a moment like this, I shouldn’t have to hide on tumblr, in hopes that maybe here, you guys won’t laugh at me. 

[quelvera]

I don't know how to say this without it getting too personal or tmi, but I'm taking birth control pills for a condition I have! To regulate hormones and my period... I wanted to share because it's just really funny reading the instructions... It says: if you miss a day YOU WILL GET PREGNANT!! It's like I don't even get laid but like if I miss a day I'm gonna get pregnant just like that xd! Hehehehe.

[quelvera]

Only you only you 이제 내 맘 알겠죠

Lonely heart lonely heart 꼭 그대밖에 없는 난

오늘 밤 La La La Lonely La La La Lonely

얼어붙은 내 맘을 이렇게 La La La Lonely La La La Lonely

그대가 안아줄래요

✿

I guess the more you have to work for something, the more worth it it is at the end right?

Like if you don't wait till it's dark, the fireworks won't be as perfect.

Like if the dark isn't too dark, that'd ruin the reward for those strong enough to survive it.

[quelvera]

I had a dream I lost a tooth the other night. It was half of one, and when I noticed it I fiddled with it too much and the other half came off. 

God it’s still horrifying to think back about it... 

I looked it up and most websites said it was because of anxiety, fear of losing something or someone important, or just stress about a transition and change I’m about to go through. 

That fits my life so perfectly right now, I guess that dream’s spot on. 

Way to go, brain. 

[quelvera]

If I were to die, I hope they don’t put my picture anywhere. I don’t think I want to be remembered. Not like this, anyway ^_^.

If you were to be gone tomorrow, what would you want to be remembered by?

[sasak-i]

[quelvera]

Shower thoughts.

Do you ever think about how being nice is pretty selfish? I’ve always felt that respect and kindness is a privilege and not a right. People are kind to you until you lose that privilege, by being a bad person, by hurting them, by hurting those that matter to them... 

So if I’m nice to you, it’s because you’re worth it, right? Because I want to be. Because I want to make you happy. Because you’re a kind person yourself and you deserve it! And really in the end I’m looking for something for myself. Making your day makes mine. 

So next time I go out of my way to try to make you happy, don’t thank me, as it’s just as much for me as it is for you. And it’s so amazing that we can find happiness through giving. 

On a side note, yay NME! I don’t know anyone else on the team, but happy to see them make it after seeing Otter try for so long. 

[quelvera]

-

　曾经。 　学着你的姿势，伫立在云海断层俯身凝眸。 　韶光迁变，而依旧惦念你的习惯。 　偶然想起一句话。 　在是与非的景色里，我最喜欢你。 　 - 　你知不知道。在那些阴冷的时间里。 　我一个人。 　时针和秒针交替着旋转。 　日子在念念不忘中过去。 　　

Should it matter?

很多事情都不重要。我决定放开了。放开了就好了。

[quelvera]

:(.

It makes me so incredibly sad when people don’t adopt and buy expensive breeds, especially for cats... 

I don’t wanna be rude or point it out or tell anyone how to live their lives. 

I’m just... sad. Working at a shelter was a blessing, but I couldn’t help crying every time I left. I couldn’t give those animals a home, and it sucks that their chances of being given one is taken away by a $500+ animal. 

[word-stuck]

[quelvera]

Our definition of happiness changes... 

For me right now it's a huge bathroom with a huge bathtub, and a really big kitchen with all the appliances and lots of counter space. And an amazing computer plus a comfy bed. 

Hehe. 

What's your happiness? 

[quelvera]

I'll do it all for you in time... 

And out of all these things I've done. 

I think I'll love you better now. 

[quelvera]

Diary Entry (hehe)!

I was watching a drama earlier, and knowing the ending of it, I knew no matter what happened in the show the main characters would end up together. Despite the fact that he acted cold and insensitive to her for five years, or the fact that he has a million other girls wanting to be with him, or the fact that him marrying another woman could save his father's company (I like how dramas get so dramatic lol)... 

It's sweet, and it makes the viewer happy I suppose. Like I was mad at Snow Queen's ending (sorry if you plan on watching that drama ;n;), or Gone Girl's, or 5 cm/s, all because the endings didn't happen the way we wanted it to. We wanted the villain to lose, to end up with a horrible fate to pay for their wrongs, we wanted the kind ones to live on, and the ones in love to be in love... well, forever. 

And the thing is... That's not how life is. I tried to message an ex from years ago on QQ (pretty much like AIM for Chinese people?), and I wanted to ask if he was alright, if life was treating him well, all that sorta junk. I've always been good with numbers, but it's still pretty interesting to me that after all these years the 9 digit friend code is still stuck in my head. Maybe it just had a ring to it? Anyway, I messaged him, and minutes later he removed me. I'm not sure what happened, why he did that, if it was still his account, how he was, or anything like that. I didn't want much from him, just a I'm fine and a few sentences exchanged, nothing more, and it sucked that I couldn't get that closure. I'm not sure why I cared, maybe just going through my old diary entries, he randomly popped up in my mind? 

So the last scene in Five Centimeters Per Second popped up (spoilers below). I realized that back then, when I watched it with a few friends and fans, that we didn't want much. We stopped wanting for the boy to end up with the girl he kissed when he was thirteen, or for him to end up with the other girl that adored him his high school years. When he saw that familiar face near the train tracks, I guess all we cared about was that he got closure. That after all these years, he found her again, and she told him she was well, she was about to get married to the man she loved, and that she wishes him happiness. 

It felt cruel that the movie didn't give him, or us, that closure. But at the same time... It was real. That's life. Life isn't just rainbows and butterflies and perfect endings and happily ever afters, after all. Sometimes justice doesn't prevail and people who harm others live on happily. Sometimes you didn't fall out of love, but life forced you to move on. (I mean, our lives aren't dramas, and our love probably wouldn't survive half the hardships that were thrown at couples in these shows.) Sometimes old memories and people you cling on to finally fade into your memories one day - like the boy that removed me that I'd never talk to again. 

And that's alright I guess. I mean, we're all alive right? We're all working and fighting so we find our own happy ending. And if the ending we had in mind didn't work out... We'll just lie to ourselves and change our definition of happy ending. Lower the standards. Eventually, we'll be happy. And who says that kind of happiness is worse than the kind we mapped out for ourselves? 

Speaking of closure, I couldn't get over a fight I had with a friend. I guess even now, she thinks she's at the right and I think I'm at the right. The problem is we never gave each other a chance to talk it out, to tell our side of the story. But even if we did... I feel like we'd still disagree. We wouldn't manage to convince ourselves. So I guess it's just better that we decided we disliked each other, after a year of being close friends? 

I know it's childish of me, but I can't help but dislike her for not being the person I thought she was, for prioritizing things I didn't think she would, for thinking things I didn't think she'd think, for doing things we both agreed not to do. It turned into some twisted disliking for her, and I hated that she turned out that way and our friendship turned out that way.

But I'm sure that's how she feels too. It made me think... about expectations. I think a lot of the times we're sad because of our expectations. She didn't turn out to be the person I expected her to, and that's why everything happened. And I think about all these things that people expect of me, the compliments my friends give me, of how kind of a person I am, or how amazing I am, or that I do this well and do that well, and I'm scared I can't live up to all that. I've had a friend who left home to be with a boy who pursued and loved her because of how strong of a person she was, and when she broke down because she lost the support of her family, the boy realized that she needed someone to lean on too. That she wasn't as strong and independent as he thought she was, and so the relationship ended badly. 

And I fear that if you guys decide to be friends with me with all those expectations in mind, if you'd leave if you found out I'm not what you think I am. 

So I guess set the bars low? Maybe if you thought of me as a horrible, dull person, you'd be pleasantly surprised when you found out what makes me shine. 

And I'm sure there's something. 

You know, on the thought of justice, and people who do wrongs to get punished, everyone wanted Amy to get punished in the end of Gone Girl right? 

So we're not all saints, we want people who harm others to pay for their actions... I really, really, really really can't see what's wrong with that. 

I think people who hurt others should be hurt back, harder, so they know how fragile a person's feelings and life was. I'm a strong person, or so I think, and even I've thought about ending my life. I can't think what all these harsh words people say to others could do to someone who's weak. Actually, I can. I know... 

It's ridiculous for someone to be punished for stealing by death. But if the penalty for stealing was death, a majority of thieves would stop stealing, wouldn't they...? 

Maybe I'm just a hateful person. 

I had a terrible week last week! I'm not a psych major or anything, nor do I know much about how the human body and stress works, but I feel like my mind and my body both have that "time of the month", and I feel like they might even be separate (that's pretty unfortunate right?). 

I don't wanna be like a little monkey, running at people and showing them my wounds, but the urge to speak keeps coming and coming and I want to talk. I guess that's why I wrote this - it feels weird for me to approach people about my problems, I mean living in this world, at our age, who doesn't have something they stress over? I know people reassure me over and over that if I ever wanted to talk, they're there, but I can't manage to do that. Eventually some people say that way too often and I feel like they're prying my mouth open and forcing me to speak. I get it. I know you're there. I just... 

I read somewhere that maybe we're just a bunch of stuck up narcissists disguised as introverts. I don't know if I'm using "introvert" as an excuse to just shut everyone out, but I don't think so. Just like I don't think I'm just lazy and that's why I run away from things. Stress eats people up! And no matter how strong I think I am I succumb to it as well. But anyway, that's why I write here. So I can just talk and talk and talk and talk and YELL and if you were interested, you'd read it. It takes away the awkwardness of actually talking to someone, for me anyway. If you're listening, you're listening... 

There was a time where I wished for plenty of things. A boy to love and be loved by, to keep everyone that's around me around forever, to be babied when I'm on my period, for people who hurt me to be in a difficult spot and everything to go wrong for them (hehe). Some happened, some didn't. 

I mean, people come and go, right? And in the end it's not hard to get some warm water for myself at my time of need, so it didn't really matter if someone else did it... So a lot of things I've desired, doesn't really matter anymore. Eventually I forgot I wanted those things. I forgot why I wanted them. 

I remembered those tumblresque sentences, like we're all a lonely island, or we're all just little planets in this universe, and we're all alone no matter how close we are to someone. And I feel that way sometimes, but others it's alright. 

At times life gets boring and slow, and I think to myself... Isn't this what I wanted? Something like... water. It's not the most flavorful thing in the world, but it's still sweet, somewhat, and it lasts. 

You know, I was speaking to a friend early and I found myself really weird. I liked to be alone most of the times. I liked the freedom of being alone :o? 

I'm not really sure how my friends put up with me, hehe. 

But here's the thing, I have this insecurity that I feel like everyone's gonna leave. I don't know where it came from, possibly moving way too much when I was young? It sucks that it takes me so long to accept someone as a close friend, and then feeling like we're drifting apart! 

It's probably a hassle, but I like to be talked to often so I feel reassured you'll be here. I like the little signs of affections my friends give me so I know that you're there. And for that, the people who do that for me, I'm grateful. I mean, there's no reason to ask to be catered to, and some people just don't do something like that. And that's fine. 

It just sucks that a while back I could confidently say, you know, I could not talk to this person for a long time and we'd still be close close friends! 

But now I don't have that confidence. I feel like you left! And I wish I got the closure of you just saying hey, I'mma move on now,  じゃーね! It'd feel better than guessing! (I'm overthinking haha, turning into the kind of people I hate >:T.)

But maybe they're just busy? 

You know after a while of things like that you just... Don't want to get close to people anymore. 

And then I'm just stuck up >:T. Well fuck you too then society~!! ..|..! 

You know I feel like nobody probably got here and I'm just talking to myself at this point?

So... Fuck you, particular girls of League. FAKE and ANNOYING and won't get off my dick!! I wish I could just rip my dick off and give it to you so you'd leave me alone. 

And fuck childish people. One of me is enough!! 

[quelvera]

You ever think about how interesting it is that... Our whole lives are completely changed sometimes by some split second decisions? 

[paciamor]

[quelvera]

We don't make promises just to break them in the end. They weren't lies, just...  beautiful wishes. 

So to the people that said they were going to be there forever, but ended up leaving... It's alright. I don't blame you. 

[maxkirin]

In writing. Don’t use adjectives which merely tell us how you want us to feel about the thing you are describing. I mean, instead of telling us a thing was “terrible,” describe it so that we’ll be terrified. Don’t say it was “delightful”; make us say “delightful” when we’ve read the description. You see, all those words (horrifying, wonderful, hideous, exquisite) are only like saying to your readers, ‘Please will you do my job for me’.

C.S. Lewis (via maxkirin)