Whisper things into my brain

Assuring me that I'm insane. Just another Canadian girl... trying to get as much enjoyment out of life as possible and be as happy as she can be... Life is too short not to...

[queuezsue]

I never realized how badly I needed a bridge to scream off of in the middle of the night until now...

I'm not coping... I just keep pushing stuff down and I feel like I'm going to explode.

[queuezsue]

That bitch inside my head is saying some really awful hurtful shit tonight.

#struggling

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Had quite the sex dream about a friend's husband's night. I mean he is a friend too. But I'm closer to her... It was so good I actually feel a little guilty about it today.

[queuezsue]

Can I be honest?

I don't feel like there is anywhere I belong anymore...

There are no forms of social media that feel like my safe place anymore...

Thanks to Covid, in person socialization is almost obsolete...

I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm here... just existing.

[queuezsue]

It's a crank the angry tunes kind of day. I'm sure my coworkers are happy I have headphones.

[queuezsue]

I Forgot

I had a dream about my dad last night.

The family went to a store... I stayed with my dad while my mom stopped to look at something. He found what he was looking for and kept moving along. I said I would go find mom. I did... and then we could see him ahead of us, but we couldn't catch up to him. He just kept getting farther and farther away.

It felt so real. Even after I woke up, it still felt real... I for got that he was gone... it was like losing him all over again.

[queuezsue]

[queuezsue]

I can't keep it together today...

I can't leave my office to go get papers from the printer because I can't stop crying long enough to fake being okay for 60 seconds.

The grief is overwhelming today.

I need to get myself together.. get through 2 more hours.

[queuezsue]

I am my own rock

Losing my father has made me realize how alone and lonely I am.

When you go through a loss like that, you need your person... to hug you, hold you, wipe away your tears, comfprt you, tell you that everything will be ok. You need your rock.

The obituary named everyone and their spouse. My name seemed to stand out as alone... no significant other next to mine.

I have no one and I'm feeling it today pretty hard. Guess I'll just have to be my own rock.

[queuezsue]

Please for the love of things holy... please tell me that someone out there has watched Sense8 and is as absolutely in love with it as me... I don't think I have ever had a TV show give me all the feels like this one does. I just started the last episode and I'm too sad to watch it, to have it end.

The relationships between the members of the cluster are just so fucking beautiful. They just step up every damned time to be there for each other.

It's exciting... it makes me laugh, makes me cry... I wish it wasn't going to end.

[queuezsue]

This Code Red situation in Winnipeg is going to break me. I have done everything I am supposed to. Worn a mask, stayed the fuck home, not seen my friends in months.

But thanks to selfish people who give zero fucks about anyone but themselves or public health orders, I still can't see my family for Christmas.

They have recognized that liquor stores needed to remain open because of the stress on the Healthcare system that would happen if alcoholics can't get their alcohol. I think they are forgetting the mental health stress it will cause to people who are left completely alone on Christmas. I can only imagine how this will impact already depressed people, how many suicide attempts that will occur and how many will be successful.

I will be completely alone and I am already struggling to not let it get to me. But if anyone knows me at all, they would know how much I love Christmas and how close I am to my family. Not seeing them is killing me. Knowing I can't have Christmas with them, is killing me. And I know I can't be the only one.

[queuezsue]

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Pretty much...

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I don't know who, if anyone, reads this anymore

But I just feel the need to put it out there...

I am so fucking proud of myself today.

I have been in so much pain for so many years... feet, back, knees.. that I have literally barely been able to move at times... always recovering from one injury or another. It started in 2014 when I hurt my back for the umpteenth time. But this time was different... I never really recovered from that. I could no longer just stand without it killing my back. I always had to lean. I couldn't walk for more than a few minutes at a time.

I hurt my back again earlier this year... couldn't stand upright. I was hunched over, moving at a snails pace. But I knew that moving was the best thing for me. So I did... even though it hurt. It started getting better, I was moving upright, normal pace. So I kept going. Getting my back stronger every day.

Now it may not be much to anyone else out there... But I walked 1.6 km today without stopping and God dammit I am proud of myself for getting to that point... I never thought I would.

[ifthecreekdontrise]

[scarlettqagain]

- said by me sometime within the last hr even.

[queuezsue]

When you wake up crying

From a dream where you were laughing and having fun with somone you've lost... But in the dream you suddenly realize that it's not real, that the person has died... And you start crying... And wake up sobbing uncontrollably.

Yeah... That..