The pineapple fried rice that I didn’t order
(It was my uncle or aunt)
And the beef laarb salad 🥗 that for once,
Was spicy 🥵 🌶️ 🌶️ 🌶️ enough to make me struggle a little bit to finish
Id also had Mexican food in the preceding few hours
So my stomach wasn’t really needing more anyways
I remember the car ride from the family cemetery
Blessedly quiet with my mother’s brothers
When asked why I chose to ride with them,
“Because I know you don’t say things without good reason”
And my elder uncle told the other,
“She means we should just shut up, N-!”
That they wouldn’t try to pick to try to find a vulnerability
Just so they could turn the spotlight on how they were feeling regardless of others’ sensitivity
And that I could tell them that because I knew they’d understand
And for the most part, only talk if they’d something to say really
And I remember we stopped and got ice cream at the Dairy Queen 🍦
Because I didn’t remember ever going there before
(Until awhile afterwards reminded of how Grandad took us once during a visit)
I remember being grateful for the respect for need for respite and relief
From others’ performative empty shows of grief
Seeing the moment I became the adult in that chaotic tumultuous emotional moment of reckoning
In a stark instant of realization of their own recognized futility
I could handle what needed to be done
(Sometimes that’s the best path for personal peace)
I wonder how much guilt or regret really compels meaningful change in actual reality
They didn’t know what to do about something they couldn’t talk their way out of or ignore anymore
So they just kept going on as before,
Full of words designed to elicit sympathy
They left the work of actually caring
While they blathered and blubbered on
Oh isn’t it heartbreaking
I’m tired of that same old worn song-&-dance routine
I’m not humouring or giving it any further attention or energy
And who did, who was there
When, what, and how they could to show real care
& what’s said yet left empty of doing
I’m grateful for the undesirable opportunity to gain clarity
The ability to see & recognizing
The glaring difference between verbosity and consistency
Is a lifelong boon and blessing
for my past, present, & future wellbeing…