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When you just need to yell “FUCK YOU!”, to the people who anger you but can’t because you’re too nice and you’re a genuine lady so doing that would change things and make people ask you questions that you’re not ready to answer.

#burningman

For once I’d like to be appreciated for more than just my looks. As conceited as that sounds trust me; it’s coming from anywhere but that place. I’ve been told that I’m hot or pretty or sexy and as nice as that makes me feel, it brings on the thoughts of is there anything else. Am I just a “trophy” for guys? What about my thoughts and point of view...? Do you not enjoy my company and sense of humor? What makes you like me that is not based upon physical appearance? Am I the only one with the ability to care for or think about the other and voice it. I am always the one sending texts of concern and genuine affection beyond physical chemistry. I would love for once, just once, for someone to genuinely ask me how I am doing. is that too much of me to ask as a human being? For someone to genuinely care about me? Perhaps it would have served me better to be a robot; no thoughts or emotions necessary.

WTH

Does messing up make me any less of a person? Does messing up mean that what I feel doesn’t matter? I recognize that what I did was wrong and have been trying to make amends and I even understand that no matter what I do the only one who can forgive me is the other person themselves...of course I can forgive myself but the forgiveness we’re after is that of others..... just because they’re hurt doesn’t mean we’re not hurt too...we are human after all not some emotionally numb robot. Don’t we all feel? Don’t we all error?

Too much?

You know for once I would like to be someone’s first thought when they wake up, for once I’d like to be constantly on their mind and the one on the other side of the sweet messages they send. For once I would like to be their last thought as they drift off to sleep, to be the one they dream about. To be the one person they want forever, to joke with, to tell everything to, to making memories with, the person they fall in love with, genuine unguarded love. I’d like to be someone’s first and foremost...is that too much to ask?

extramadness

Hurting

I still have pictures of him and a video of when he told me he loved me and one of him singing a cute ass song to me. Hell I even have a letter he wrote to me being all cute and making me fall more in love with him. How sick was that!!! How sick of him to make me fall so much in love with him that it makes me feel like I will always love and want him. No matter how much he degraded and berated me I am still in love with him. He made me fall so madly in love with him that I don’t even know if I will ever love another person that intensely ever again. What I do know is that I deserve better than the way he treated me. I do not deserve to be cussed at or yelled at or be made to believe that I’m some kind of pathological liar or some crazy person. I know for a fact that I was in an abusive relationship with him. He emotional abused me and did so much damage in such a short period of time. It just sickens me to know that he is out there and is okay with it all. He is okay with the fact that he broke me. He probably doesn’t even think about me which I honestly don’t know exactly how to feel about. I just freaking think it sucks because I still think about him every single freaking day. Every morning I wake up and check my phone wishing that he texted me or tried to call me. I think about him coming into my work wanting to talk. I think about where he is and what he’s doing and wondering if he is thinking about me. When certain songs play I wonder if when he hears them if they make him think about me and the good times we’ve had. How freaking sick right??? He has broken me (not completely, but enough) and at times (like now) I find it hard to piece myself back together into a more positive, strong, self loving woman. I know it will happen and there will be a day when all the terrible and maybe not so terrible things he did will slowly fade but right now in this moment I am broken and need to find my inner joy. Has anyone seen my precious spark? It might look a little dull but just brush it off... I know it will shine.

When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

Bojack Horseman

Next...

My mind has made up so many stories on what he will do and all of them end in a happily ever after... well for the immediate future anyway. The sad reality of it though is my heart knows that none of those “stories” will ever actually happen. I don’t know him that well, but I know him enough to know that he will not be the hero in any of my “stories”. For whatever reason he won’t be my knight in shiny armor; trust me I’ve asked. I am forever going to be know as single and independent. I know, that’s not necessary a bad thing, but for someone who’s waited 12 years to feel this way, it kind of blows. I know I did the right thing to end it but I just miss him. It’s like my mind has been warped. He gave me confidence but he also put a damper on my personality. My unicorn...I didn’t even get to express it fully. There was a glimmer of hope when we first started talking that he would see my unicorn but that all got squelched down with his life. My sense of humor was kicked to the dark recess of my mind because he made it all about him. I didn’t realize this was happening until later...my friends had to point it out to me. So now I really do get the saying “love is blind”...I was willing to look past so much wrong because I was afraid to lose him. Thankfully I didn’t invest too much time but still, I invested some time; and if I’m being completely honest with myself...I was slowly starting to fall for him, despite all the bad. And well I miss him...or maybe to be more accurate, I miss the idea of how I made him out to be in my mind. That’s the thing though, you can’t tweak someone to fit what you’re looking for; they either have the majority or you need to let them go and move on. Did someone hear my train?

Fantasy

So here’s the thing.... you are a great, funny, creative person. You might seem slightly odd to the average person but you have a hidden talent. You have the unique ability to fantasize any and all situations; so many different ways. Now there are pros and cons to this, like any great thing. The pro being you live your life (or at least in your mind) like a fairy tale in a way. “Good things will/can happen” is your motto. Which is a good thing; to have a positive outlook on life. The con being you wait for things to happen...or you raise expectations. Sad I know, but great things don’t come without a cost. Being unique is great but there are only so many of us. Now don’t try and change yourself, we are a dwindling breed; instead continue to dream, continue to fantasize but along with that make a move. Unfortunately I don’t have a remedy for the cons...they are what they are. Not to say that for every pro you will experience a con but just know that a con will come and it might even knock you down but I promise you that it will never shatter you. You are a great, funny, creative person...strength lies underneath. Don’t be afraid to show it...all of it. Don’t go too deep down that rabbit hole...trust me, all that’s really down there is despair and a few bones...(yes they are rabbit bones, nobody said he was smart).

Crushing it

We have all been there. You see someone you like then you lose all ability to act “normal”. Your heart starts to flutter, you get extremely hot and possibly turn red. When you try to articulate a coherent thought it all comes out in moron. The thing of it is after they’ve left what do you do to stop replaying that moment over and over again in your mind? How do you keep your mind from wandering to them? Willing it to stop simply doesn’t help and playing out all different scenarios isn’t healthy either. “What if...” is on the verge of being spoken aloud which means you will be in even more trouble. Mind you this is not something to be taken lightly. I understand that this feeling among the youths is extremely common and can be ignored(sorry youths) but among adults it’s different. This is our moment in which we can do anything; make a move; ask them out on a date; hide and feign ignorance; or wait, wait, and wait. The question of it is what kind of person will you be in this scenario? I will you to be bold. Speak up and let them know that you find them attractive, humorous, demure; whatever it is that made you crush on them. If you can’t find it in yourself to be bold then be like me and write about it, all the while secretly asking yourself “what if...”

Auto-Pilot

RAMBLE ramble ramble... Have you ever been on auto-pilot and said yes to something(s) that didn’t register? This happens to me from time to time. I’ve heard it happen to several people (one). I know it is not a rare thing with so many millions of people in the world. Are we just so self absorbed in our thoughts that this occurs? Perhaps it is a malfunction in our chemical make-up. At times I am also unable to articulate my thought; I find myself saying “how do you say” and then think deeply about how to say said thought. Do my thoughts come and go like a raging river... here one second and gone the next. This is why I fail at keeping a journal. My hand simply cannot write down things fast enough and then when I try, my mind goes blank. We live in a society dominated by electronics. This trend/way of life has taken over any ability I had left over from the old world. Sad I know. Oh well at least I am able to make some sense of them here on this platform. Sometimes you can’t show your crazy to others and you just need to let it out in an alternate form. This is my outlet. I feel better already. Home sweet home! Solace...(sort of)

...

So people live their lives like little ants right. Day by day, night by night, minute by minute, etc, so on and so forth. Routine to put it simply. The ones that don’t conform to routine though what do you call them? Awake. So what do you call the others? Human...robots...afraid. All of this is contingent on whether you care. Some choose to remain ignorant and ignore the fact that life is full of different possibilities. When they do this they are robbing themselves of experience. Can one be fully experienced in all things? I am not the one who can answer that question. You are not able to answering that question. I am simply awake and waiting...

Are you listening?!?!

Why does society get to dictate how we (humans) should feel? Why are women automatically considered emotional and men considered tough? I am a woman who finds it difficult to show emotion other than crazy. Does that make me any less of a woman because I find it hard to feel joy, love, compassion. I’m sure it makes it hard on the guys too. I mean we (humans) can only hold so much emotion inside until we reach our capacity in which we tip over internally and all of our pent up emotion comes spueing out in all which ways. If a man cries does that make him less. If a woman doesn’t cry is something wrong with her? What is the big deal! Why the double standard? Why?

#helloworld

Dangerous? Love?

Apparently there is an actual thing called broken heart syndrome where one can die due to a broken heart. So since this is in fact, legit, then doesn’t that mean that taking a chance on love is indeed risky. Now I get the saying ‘risk it all for love’ because you are seriously risking your life to love another person who may or may not love you in return. Sure it’s easy for us to love the other person but it’s hard for us to gauge if they love us equally or more in return. How terrible would it be for us to love someone so immensely only to discover they love us less than we’d ever hoped. Or even to love someone who cannot/will not ever love us back. How many people are truly equally matched in love? Are all other forms considered settling? I wish I were a llama. They seem oblivious to the world around them and plus, they get to spit all over people; when I do this it’s highly frowned upon. Nothing’s fair.

#sad #notfair #thisislife

Who’s Got the Time

Sometimes I wish time would just stand still. (What does that even mean? Why do we say ‘Time stand still’? Time doesn’t stand. Time doesn’t sit either as a matter of fact.) It’s not so much that I don’t want the moment to end but I just want to enjoy the moment . I want for everything to stand still while I continue to move. To have some time truly to myself. No one else around. I don’t want to do anything illegal but maybe just take a walk downtown or take a stroll in the park. No additional noise added to my time. Does anyone have a watch that can accomplish this (Clockstoppers movie). I will gladly pay in baked goods.

Pondering

I know, some of my writing sounds seriously insane. I generally write when I have nobody to talk to and my thoughts are trying to push their way out of my mind. I get this overwhelming sensation to capture said thoughts on “paper” before they are lost to the abyss that is reality. I picture it being a lot like Alice in Wonderland. By “it” I mean my mind. Are all minds a labyrinth waiting for unknown victims to lose themselves in a mysterious realm? I once read an article on BBC about how we are able to create “memory banks” in our minds to store information. Depending on the room we chose, we can store quite a bit of information in there. It’s a lot like Sherlock Holmes; the series staring Benedict Cumberbatch. He goes to his “memory bank” which happens to be a library and stores information in the form of books on the many different shelves. Apparently this technique actually works in reality. I would love to try this technique out someday but I just can never find the time. Makes me wonder what we would all be doing sans electronics... We would all notice that llama sitting next to us that’s for sure.

I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me.

Jonathan Safran Foer

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