Rachel Bowers Stories

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Museum

I take my pain and frame it

Hide it behind glass and store it

Place it upon a pedestal and open the doors

Removed from me and put on display

Not for me to dwell on, but to provide comfort for others

Come see my museum of things I no longer need

The traumas and fears that used to steer me

Now caged like wild beasts

The visitors tame them over time

Until a petting zoo of defanged monsters

Allows me to walk the halls

Proud of what I've done

Unaffected by their taunts

Healing, building, thriving

What once threatened my extinction

Now builds my legacy

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Different Event

Different event

I bounced from man to man

Thought love was just round the corner

But the rules kept changing

Gave up hoping

Until I saw her

She showed a love I've never known

Felt a change down in my bones

Her hand in mine makes me quiver

Finally found something to live for

I was running in the wrong race

How can I win from last place?

Hurdles rather than a sprint

All my tools for a different event

Though I'm far from alone

So many join this race late

Let's help each other adapt

It'll be a date

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Crash

Almost home after a long day of work

Dreaming of the meal I'll eat and removing my shoes

Ready to rest my eyes from their screens

Red lights

Cars ahead stop

Slam on the brakes

Slide to a stop

Bumper a centimeter from the car ahead of me

Relieved I didn't strike the family within

Breathe a breath begin to relax

Strike

Head bouncing

Back and forth

Where am I

Smoke rising from the dash

Glass all over my lap

Back seat touching mine

Wander away confused

Pulled to the side of the road

I stare off into the distance until the ambulance comes

Loaded in as we head off to some unknown place

Memory fades, but at least the child in the car ahead of me is safe

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Hearth

A small home to call my own

A hearth to keep me warm

Room to stretch and run

As my soul grows, I begin to bump my head

Asking for a larger abode

But they say this is my place

Learn to make it my own

Though I continue to grow

No space except to lay still

Days and weeks wasted prone

People praise me, having found my place

The essence of me continues to expand

The hearth that once provided comfort scorches my side

The cracks, bone or house, who can tell?

The advice I receive, to stay where I've always been

One must go, a secret kept from the world

Something dear to me will shatter tonight

My essence and the only shelter I've known

Groaning under the stress

With a great crack, nothing will be the same

Blood and  wood chips surround me

Gathering me, filtering the expectations

Looking around, there is a larger world

A place big enough for who I'm becoming

Still finding slivers of the old home

Stuck deep inside my flesh

Remove them as I find them

But now I live free

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Painting

A body I hated for decades

The ugliness starts to fade

Slowly my heart begins to change

Maybe this is part of me

But the walls remind me of the pain

I will decorate this husk

Beautiful colors splashed on my skin

New art to redeem it in my eyes

Turn it into a home I love

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Odyssey

They tell me I should be ashamed

Try to hide what I am

That this is a curse laid on my head

But I see a different truth

What I am is beautiful

I fought my way through

The doubt and uncertainty

To see who I truly am

An odyssey through dark paths

My gender a treasure long sought

I know who I am, and what I'm worth

Me being trans is beautiful

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Daughter

I was afraid she wouldn't love me any more

That she would never see me as I am

My truth could break what we have

The hardest thing I've ever done is to tell her

She's struggling to accept me, but trying

Doesn't understand, but seems I'm happier

I offer her the choice of my middle name

In court I hear her call me daughter

Joy floods through me, loved and seen

I love my mother who holds me as her daughter

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Changes

A morning like any other

Turns into a nightmare as I open my mouth

A deeper voice croaks as from the grave

Please change back to how it was

But the changes continue, given a book for boys

I throw it against the wall, but my body still betrays me

How can I heal while the trauma comes from within?

I beg you to cease, let me be who I want

Every mirror and recording of my words scars me anew

Each day, a me I can love slips further away

Locked in a prison of ever changing flesh

Plummeting into self hatred for the blueprint of my cage

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Diagnosis

The doctor sits in her chair

Looking seriously at me in mine

You are on the autism spectrum

Relief surges through me

A smile stretches on my face

She looks at me confused

This wasn't the reaction she expected

But so many questions about my past

Clicks into place, why I said that

The reason I could never understand

What the other children meant

You gave me a key to unlock

Those parts of me that made no sense

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Be a Man

The many things said to me

Be a man

Grow a pair

Men don't walk like that

Men don't talk like that

You're not a man

You are a man

You'll never be a man

Typical man

Take that dress off

Why do you swim with a shirt?

Hey girl, oh sorry man

You remind me of my sister;

Hopefully that's not offensive

Go sit with the boys

This is a girl's sport

Now I see you as a man

You might actually be a woman

You were made to be a man

I reject the premise of your argument

I am not a man, and men are not a monolith

I am a woman, and men can be so much more than you think

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Adulthood

Some day I'll feel like an adult

Able to handle what comes

My toolbox will be sufficient

My sense of purpose found

Accomplishments under my belt

Confidence in who I am

But then I look around

Those that surround me

Scrambling to find their place

Cracks in their armor

A confused person presenting a front

Will I ever reach adulthood

Or am I already there

Is my confusion normal

Do people see me as put together

All I can do now

Is live with responsibility

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Respect Yourself

Oh sweet girl

Respect yourself, I beg

I know you love the work

But your hands are bleeding

Haven't slept in a week

Love yourself enough to stand

Quit the job to save your health

When she lies to you, breaks your heart

Takes other women on your dates

Be firm and leave  her behind

You're worth so much more than that

I know you can't see your value

But I swear it's there

Shining bright enough to blind you

As soon as you shed the blinders

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Until I See You

Until I see you again

I will count each heartbeat

Till through your door I walk

Each breath will be named

As soon as I turn away from you

I begin dreaming of the next time

That I will look upon your face

I measure my life by your laughs

No other unit as memorable

Waiting until I see you

And my soul can start again

[rachelbowersstories]

Soulsong Release

My poetry collection Soulsong is coming out Friday the 13th. Some of the poems have been shared here while more are exclusive to the release. The collection will be available in both eBook and paperback forms. Distributed through Amazon.

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Dear Younger Me

Dear younger me

If you could see me now

What would you say?

I know you would want what I have

But would you hate me

Would you think that I failed?

I despise what you say you believe

But I know you have your doubts

Please see me for who I am

I've done what you couldn't admit you wanted

I love myself, something you can't fathom

The torment has finally ended

I know that you are torn apart inside

Multiple world views at war in your mind

One must die so that you may live

I tried your way until death was the only option

My future, finally bright in the light of day

My younger me, I beg you to see

Us

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Happy Ending

CW: Mention of death

In America there are no happy endings

Death is always sad or at best bittersweet

But our stories are filled with them

A wedding with no first year

An award for a project with no sequel

Taught to search for a happy ending

But the culture never set one up

Rather than seek an ending

Let us seek happy days

For us and those around us

We idolize endings, but ignore our own

I finally see the value of a warrior's death

An ending in reality to rival the stories

If I can spend my days giving

Making days happy for others

Then I beg you, consider my ending happy

Regardless of what happens to me

Perhaps as a first step to cultural happy ends

We should care less about how art end

[rachelbowersstories]

Poem: Robot

I give myself to work

All day long, my tasks are all I seek

Prove myself capable

At the expense of everything else

Relationships fall by the wayside

My health rots away

All my mind committed to one cause

Slowly I surrender my humanity

For someone else's art

But a cog in a machine

Sending more to the wealthy

Am I a human

Or simply a robot

I will break this bond

Shatter this expectation

Live my life

Sing my own song

No more will my title replace my name