there are ghost towns in the ocean

rafael 'rafe' santos former olympic ice skater 38 years old Co-Owner, Eureka Valley Ice Rink

[rafe-santos]

NATALIE SANTOS.

This side of Rafael was not an unfamiliar one. Natalie had not had the patience for it, ever, but she accepted that the pair of them had always been equally matched: good sparring partners. When they did fight–less than a handful of times in their entire relationship–it was generally subdued, but impactful; verbal barbs delivered with painful accuracy. It was also, Natalie knew, generally her fault–her insecurity rearing its ugly head, her inflexibility proving a foil to Rafael’s more grandiose plans. She had always felt beholden to the idea that she had to be the one to fix it, then. Now, she found she still held that desire, that imperative. Ridiculous. 

Still, she remained as stoic as she could, wetting her lips and letting her teeth sink into the lower one as she contemplated what she wanted to say. She felt as if she was walking through a minefield. Her voice was soft, measured, when she finally opened her mouth to speak. “If you want to leave, Rafe, you should leave. If that’s what you want to do, then that’s the right thing for you to do, and I’m not going to stop you.” She didn’t let her gaze falter, her eyes trained on his. “But if you want to leave, it’s because you want to leave. It’s not because of me. Don’t make it because of me. I’m able to exist in the same world as you amicably. I’m able to do this.” Whether she was convincing him or herself, she was unclear. She was more forceful, now, as she continued, “But I’m–I’m asking you, please–make a decision for you. Make a decision for you, and pull the trigger. For once.”

-

Rafael let his head sink back into the pillow that was propping him up, eyes closing for a moment as he took in a deep breath. When he had met Natalie, that was the first moment in Rafe’s life when he had been sober and remotely hopeful. Mei had let him back into her life, invited him to start the rink together. While he was certain it was a thorn in the side of James at the time, he’d taken the chance to create a new life for himself, a truly fresh start. When he had met Natalie, love was the furthest from Rafe’s mind in terms of his priorities, but it had happened. They’d gotten closer than he’d ever been with any of his exes, and he’d adored Natalie. She was thought-provoking, intelligent, fun-loving. She’d made him better, had made him feel like he wanted to be better. And while there had always been a certain uneasiness when it came to Mei’s presence in his life, Rafe hadn’t seen the same issues that Natalie had, couldn’t get inside her head to see the way that it all made her feel. 

“I spent most of my life thinking I loved something. I let it own my life, consume me. And I could carry on about how it was what my parents wanted, but I wanted it. I fucking wanted it. I wanted the gold. I wanted the prestige. I wanted to be the best athlete in the world, better than anyone else. And with Mei and Svetlana, I had a family. We worked as a unit, we were so fucking in sync. Mei and I, when we were on the ice, we weren’t two people. We were one. It was like we could read each other’s fucking minds.” Rafe forced himself to sit up, to look at Natalie as he raddled on. “And I thought that that was what I wanted. And it was something I was told I couldn’t have. So I fucking raged. I left a path of destruction everywhere I went, because for once there was something I couldn’t have, even if I was the best, even if I was better than anyone else. And over the years, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter who I hurt or what I lost because at some point, she’d give in. And then I’d have what I wanted.” Rafe could look at Natalie and say this now, because it wouldn’t change the status of their relationship, but it might finally put to rest Natalie’s curiosities. “And I guess — I didn’t realize it wasn’t what I really wanted, until I lost what I did want.” Rafe cleared his throat, looking down at his hands. “I know that there were too many things, too many things that I broke, so it wouldn’t have mattered. At some point we would have ended up here, because of what I did. And because of what I didn’t do, too.” There had always been three people in their marriage, because Rafe had left the door open, and Mei had taken up residence. “I just want you to know that I know. Okay? I know. And I love you, Nat. And I’m sorry I didn’t love you in a way that made you feel safe. And I’m going for me, because if I do love you, and I mean it, then I have to. Because part of loving you means that I have to let you go when you want to be let go off. And I hate that. Because I’d fucking love to be selfish. But I know it wouldn’t feel good, anymore. I know that.”

[rafe-santos]

NATALIE SANTOS.

The sad truth of the matter was that, while Natalie was Rafe’s wife, she couldn’t remember a time in that role where she’d felt she truly belonged. She’d never changed her own emergency contact, for example, leaving it as her elderly grandfather, assuming that, if anything were to happen to her, Rafael would find out in due time. She’d never wanted to inconvenience him, to burden him in any way. To do so would make her harder to love, she knew. And she couldn’t afford that.

Natalie eyed Rafael carefully, her gaze boring down slightly. Her brow furrowed gently for just a second before she let her face relax again. “I assumed…I’d be the last person you’d want to see, I suppose,” she admitted.

As the tone shifted, Natalie watched as Rafael worked to avoid her, and she felt both vindicated and mournful, both emotions viciously warring within her. She had caused this discontent, of course. She had asked for all of this. She had finally pressed the fracture enough that it split. “If you’d like me to go, I’ll go,” she reasoned, tone woefully even, a careful, measured attempt. “I’ll call your parents. I didn’t bother, because I didn’t figured you’d want them,” she admitted. “But I can call them. Or…whomever else.”

-

Rafael’s jaw clenched, remaining silent for a moment too long until he finally turned his head, meeting Natalie’s gaze once more. “Yeah, well. Whatever.” He couldn’t muster the energy to tell her how wrong she was, because it wouldn’t change anything. He wasn’t going to sit there, all weak and pathetic looking, and tell Natalie just how much he missed her, because she didn’t need to hear it. She was moving on, figuring out her life. And he could hang around and wait to see if things would change, but they wouldn’t. And he’d just be the prickless loser left with nothing at the end of it all.

“You can do whatever you want, Nat.” Rafe replied, swallowing harshly. “It’s like —” He billowed out a heavy breath from his nose, ignoring the radiating ache coming from his naval. “No, I don’t want anyone else here. But I’m like, not allowed to want you here either, okay?” He glanced down at his hands, fidgeting with the pulse ox connected to his finger. “What do you want me to say, here? I’m not—” No. This wouldn’t be the moment he broke, showed some semblance of emotion. Being rigid, keeping it all in, Rafe felt as though it was the one thing he could give Natalie, to make the break easier. 

“I’m not okay, or anything. Like in general. I can’t stand being here anymore. I didn’t — I didn’t come to Eureka for you, but I stayed because of you, and now there’s nothing here for me. So I just— I just want to fuck off, and make your life more comfortable, if you don’t have to think about me, or run into me, or whatever, and I can just, be the same asshole somewhere else. Alright?” 

[rafe-santos]

NATALIE DAWSON.

“Theoretically, I suppose,” Natalie confirmed halfheartedly, sitting up a bit straighter. She’d heard him give her the all-clear to leave, and she wasn’t a big enough person to pretend that the invitation wasn’t an all-too-welcome sound. Her desire to make sure Rafael was actually alright, however, outweighed her longing to bolt. “But yours had to go and rupture, which, from what I’ve been told, is quite dramatic of you.”

She couldn’t bear a smile to accompany her joke, because the idea of actually speaking to Rafael made her dizzy with emotion, a flurry of angst swirling through her. He was exactly the same, of course, because it’d only been months. Still, she felt, more often than not, that she was an entirely different person, a foreign entity. She wondered if Rafael felt the same. She wondered if he missed her. She wondered what his life looked like, now. If he and Mei had finally gotten what they’d wanted. If he’d finally gotten what he wanted, after all that time. 

This was neither the time nor place to hold on to such ridiculous notions, though.

She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry it’s me,” she admitted. She was sure, regardless of anything, that her face was the last he’d want to see upon waking up from emergency surgery. “You never changed your contact. To be honest, I didn’t know you’d ever made me yours in the first place,” she confessed.

-

Rafe attempted to adjust in bed, to sit up a bit straighter, maybe to no longer feel so small and weak under Natalie’s gaze. But after a wince of pain he gave up on that particular endeavor and relegated himself to his present position. “Well, you know me.” He added, a shrug of his shoulders awarding another wince of pain. Clearly, he wasn’t very good at being injured.

“Why would you be sorry?” Rafe asked honestly. He couldn’t picture who else he’d rather be there. If he thought this was the way he’d get to see Natalie again, however selfishly, he wondered what other illness he could instigate in the future. It was good to see her, to visualize her, the months without Natalie had left Rafe feeling unmoored. He hadn’t really spoken to Mei, they worked opposite shifts and he had no interest as of late. It would take him a while to mourn this, longer still to let it go. He knew Natalie had likely made her assumptions of what his life looked like, maybe she thought that he was fine, because he never gave up much when it came to his emotions. 

“You were my wife.” He replied, a bit of hurt in his tone. “Of course you were.” He added after a beat, dropping his gaze from Natalie’s and trying to find something else in the room to focus his gaze on for a few moments. “Well, thanks for coming. But clearly I’m fine. So we don’t have to, uh, do whatever this is.” He gesticulated idly at the space between them. “I’ll get the forms fixed for the future.” There was a ringing in his ears, the buzz of emotions being restrained forcefully. He couldn’t look over, couldn’t risk meeting Natalie’s gaze again so quickly lest he wither under it. “I’m going back to Aspen, so you won’t have to worry about it anymore, anyway.”

[nataliedawson]

Bayview Hospital | @rafe-santos​​​

Natalie could not remember the last time she felt so physically uncomfortable. She ached with the urge to flee, working diligently to keep her body completely still. But obligation pinned her to Rafael’s side, taking up residence at his hospital bed, waiting for him to open his eyes, to confirm he’d be alright. A familiar motif. 

They hadn’t corresponded since she’d picked up the last of the things she’d wanted from the apartment. It was an amicable exchange of goods, Rafe insistent she could have whatever she wanted, at the rink when she’d finally stopped by to retrieve just her clothes and a few sentimental objects. On the way back to her grandparents’, she’d pulled over to vomit. The entire day felt like a fever dream, so removed from reality she had no concept internally of when it’d actually happened. Years ago. Yesterday. To see him now hurt her stomach again. She tried not to look at him.

She scanned her phone mindlessly, replying to emails from students looking for extensions on final papers, when she heard a rustling. Darting her eyes upward, she watched as he came to, slowly and unsure, clearly alarmed by what his eyes were immediately taking in. A pang of sympathy resounded in her heart. “Rafe,” she murmured softly, coaxing him to look her way. When he did, their eyes locking, she felt so vulnerable, so exposed, she almost couldn’t speak. Her throat felt thick as she assured him, “It’s alright. You’re okay.”

[rafe-santos]

He’d woken up not feeling right — it was reminiscent of a sort of sweatiness, fever and pain he’d not felt since his first feelings of withdrawal when he’d gotten sober. Only, there was no drug or alcohol to account for such a sudden onset of illness. But Rafe was stubborn, too stubborn to admit that something was wrong. Only, it hadn’t taken long after arriving at the rink that his several attempts at swallowing ibuprofen to mask the main had failed, and the bullet-sized sweat pooling at his forehead was alarming to those who worked for him. An ambulance was called, an O-R booked, and Rafe was out. 

Rafe hadn’t ever been under the knife before — aside from yearly physicals, he’d never so much as sprained an ankle in his entire athletic career. No, he was as healthy as a horse (minus the years of drug and alcohol abuse). Somehow, he’d survived almost completely intact. 

The last person he’d expected to find at his bedside was his ex-wife, but then a medical proxy and emergency contact were his last priority, something that simply hadn’t occurred to him. He’d been too busy trying to think of anything else, refusing to dwell on Natalie, on the emptiness that her absence left on his daily life. “What—” His voice was raspy, that haze of anesthetics still clinging to his bones. “I’m not dead, right?” He sprung a weak smile then, looking at her with a quiet appreciation. “You don’t have to be here. It’s just an appendix. I hear you can live without them just fine.”

[rafe-santos]

MEI WATSON.

She’d not really gone into the details with Rafe, a short but prompt voice message letting him know that she was flying home but nothing further than that. It hadn’t felt appropriate to go into intimate details of her own father’s health, not when the man had been vehemently against Rafe from almost day one, and certainly not when she was still trying to sort out her own head and how she felt about Rafe Santos. So she wasn’t surprised when she heard her own words parroted back to her, a feigned attempt from both of them at nonchalance. Really when she thought about it, they’d always said they’d been the most honest with each other, but that wasn’t the truth. If anything they’d just continually lied to each other for years, constantly avoiding any truly difficult conversations. Shallow small talk was effortless, but going anything further than skin deep? That was far too dangerous, it opened up far too many locked boxes.

“Recovering” she replied shortly, dropping her bag at the corner of the rink onto one of the benches. “He’ll be fine”. Silence settled around her as she stood upright, watching Rafe warily to see who would buckle first. As per usual it was her. But then that made sense, it would always be her, had always been her. Time might have changed them both but that would always remain. “How have things been here?” she asked, clearing her throat gently, her gaze flickering away from Rafe to look around the ice rink. “Place is still standing I see”

-

Mei had disappeared in a real way, and after the complications in their friendship grew, Rafe found he could not longer express what was on his mind in a way he once had — he wasn’t the type of guy who really enjoyed talking about his feelings, hell, if he’d learned anything from being married to Natalie, he’d not even realized when things in his childhood or adolescence were fucked up until he’d mentioned them in a much-too-casual way. But he’d kept his shit together, kept the rink running and everyone mostly happy. Had he complicated his life more? Absolutely. But like a cockroach, Rafe always seemed to survive the situations he found himself in, even the very messy ones he created for himself. 

“Great.” Rafe didn’t care much for Mei’s father, he’d always been an antagonist in his life, but he cared enough to ask, because it was still her dad. “Fine. Well — whatever. Everything’s fine.” Rafe bit his tongue, mostly because, as it was currently clear to him, Mei probably didn’t know that anything had gone on, didn’t know what he was doing with Liv whatsoever. They’d left off at the ending of his third marriage, and Rafe really hadn’t much nerve to bring that up to Mei in any meaningful way. “Yeah, well, what did you expect? I’m not as useless as everyone makes me out to be.”

[madicarlisle-deactivated2023051]

@rafe-santos​

Location: Carson Square 

Aside from a couple of hours, she spent at work when she got the chance - Olivia had spent most of her time recently with her two boys, and Rafe. The toddler had been begging to go to the park, and Olivia finally gave in - before texting Rafe back to meet her at Carson Square instead of the apartment. Beckett ran off towards the fountain before Olivia eventually gave up chasing him down. He took a seat on the bench right across from the fountain, glancing in his direction every couple of seconds. “Beckett James, don’t go too far.” She called out after him, before pulling the stroller in front of her - when she realize Rafe was making his way towards them. “Hi.” She grinned at the sight of him, before taking Teddy out of the stroller. “I gave in. I couldn’t take any more of the begging - however, i did offer him five dollars if he decided to stay at the house. He said no. Then proceeded to beg more.” 

[rafe-santos]

It was truly strange, the way life transitioned from one period to the next. Rafe really didn’t get kids, hadn’t ever wanted any of his own, yet presently found himself around Liv’s more than he’d ever been exposed to children before in his life. He had been planning to meet the brood back at Liv’s, but a last minute text had him redirecting to the park once he’d left the rink. “Hey.” He greeted casually, a smile growing when he leaned over to greet Teddy by ruffling the soft and easily mussed hair atop his head. “I’ve been inside all day, so I don’t mind, really.” In life, Rafe was always more comfortable simply being told where to go, and typically, what to do as well. So for him, being around Liv, and subsequently her children, meant his day was really decided for him. “If he gets fussy like that you can just ditch him at the rink. I’ll put him in skates and give him a real work out, get his uh, zoomies out or whatever it’s called for kids.”

[meiwatson]

→ at EUREKA ICE RINK with @rafe-santos

Mei had never considered herself particularly close to her parents. Sure, she loved them as any child loves their parent, and had appreciated their support and dedication to her career, but she had repaid them in kind along the way; little holidays, paying off their mortgage, providing them a lifestyle that was comfortable. She had never been able to give them what they had wanted in the form of a family and grandchildren, but it had never been an issue. And, as a family they were really quite independent from each other, Mei had her life in Eureka and her parents had settled up in Canada quite happily. So when she had received the call from her mother, her voice strangely calm even as it shook that Mei’s father had suffered a stroke, there had been no question about the prodigal child returning to her father’s side. She had never really seen emotions, from either of her parents. She knew that they loved her but it was a quiet love, a resounding love, shown not in words but in actions. And, until the moment where she had seen her father’s face in between the wires of the hospital, she had never seen him quite so vulnerable, so emotional. No, that wasn’t true. She had seen him once, rage boiling over his face as he man handled Rafe out of the wedding with a silent fury that had even shaken Rafe himself. 

In a way, the timing couldn’t have been better. Time away from Eureka, away from James, away from Rafe…she could support her family, and come back to the city with her head held high and the unpleasantness from earlier in the year firmly put to bed. And so, with her father growing stronger day after day, Mei finally made the call. It was time to go home. But maybe she was prevaricating a little. She just needed to get her head back in the game, and there was only one way she could ever do that. She had expected that late in the evening that the rink would be closed, that she would be the only one, and yet as she rounded the corner towards the rink itself she realised she was not alone. It had been months since she’d spoken to Rafe, a nagging, aching wound that she had learnt to ignore day after day. But seeing him there now…it was too much. It was too soon. And, were it not for the fact that she had rounded the corner just as he turned, she would have almost certainly ran out the door. The cowards way out, but she would have taken it. Instead she had no choice but to stare him down, watching him warily. And finally, after a long, long stretch of silence, she spoke. Just one word. Simple and easy, just like it always was with him.

“Hey”

[rafe-santos]

True to form, Rafe and Mei wouldn’t talk about not talking. This was their longest stretch to date — they’d even talked while he was in rehab, enough for her to ascertain his well-being, his willingness to maintain his sobriety. But this was different, far from what he was accustomed to. But he poured himself into other things, taking on her students in her prolonged absence, spending more time than he should have been with Liv and her kids. Trying, as ever, to fill an unfillable void. So in truth, the last thing he expected to see was Mei, nonchalant in her greeting. And the truth was, he was frustrated with her. She’d left and had probably been glad to have the excuse to do it, leaving him in one of the most difficult periods of his life, to try and solve his issues on his own. But he wouldn’t convey that, had never really been good about talking about his feelings, particularly where Mei was concerned. So he simply paused, looking at her, trying to ascertain her wellbeing. “Hey.” He replied in that same casual manner, hands stuffing themselves into his pockets.

“How’s your dad?” He might have said he meant to check in but had been too busy, offer some excuse, some lie. But that wasn’t true — Rafe had no intention of calling. Had the distance done him any good? No. But he wasn’t going to say that, to take ownership of his loneliness, of how he’d missed her but couldn’t possibly articulate those feelings. Feelings that weren’t welcome, as she’d made clear. 

[rafe-santos]

OZAN DURMAZ.

Not for the first time he’s reminded about the difference between not only himself and Rafe but the sports that they chose. As part of a team there was never any room for being late, not that he’d ever wanted to be when as soon as he left the ice he always wanted to be back on it. But the other man’s admission it doesn’t matter to him, really. None of what he’d heard about Rafe did when all that matters to him is the way someone is with him. He’d always been one to keep things simple and judging someone by anything other than personal experience had always seemed to overcomplicate things. “My other coach would have me doing laps or press ups or something.” 

Quick nod was given to the instruction and boots were donned in record time. “You got it.” Moments later he was soon joining Rafe on the ice, lacking the other’s grace but there was still an ease to his movements. Speed had always been his strong suit and he had a steadiness on his skates that usually made him difficult to knock but finesse was were he was lacking and that was why he’d come to Rafe. “So you going to teach me how to do one of those twirl-jump-things today?”

-

Perhaps the one saving grace in reference to Rafael was he hadn’t ever suffered from any form of toxic masculinity. His sport possessed a feminine connotation by reputation, and he was by no means a rough-and-tumble sort of guy. He was an asshole, but that was apropos of nothing more than a personality defect. “That was never our strategy. I mean, we do warm-ups. Calisthenics. But we don’t wear our kids out before we start teaching them.” Rafe worked with their older skaters, the teens, who certainly contained a greater endurance than the small kids that Mei instructed. Though lately, he’d been pulling a double duty where their students were concerned.

“If you think you can get off the ice and rotate, I’d certainly have you start there. But, you know what you’re doing enough. We might be able to get you landing a Salchow by the time we’re done here. Or you’ll bust your ass. Depends on how daring you want to be.” Rafe offered with a slight grin. “I’m not much of a teacher, Oz. You’ll learn that quicker than anything else.”

[rafe-santos]

OLIVIA WATSON.

Olivia turned her body to face Rafe completely. The last few weeks had been nice, as if they each needed something to keep their minds occupied from the troubles their lives had implemented onto them. Beckett had taken to the man, of course, he was really only wanting someone to watch Paw Patrol with or show his toys to. Which gave Liv time to focus on the young boy. This friendship, or whatever it was that had developed between the two of them, had almost become something that Olivia looked forward to. At the very least Rafe had become welcomed company while trying to navigate two children. 

Olivia’s elbow rested on the back of her couch, as her hand held up her chin. “Listen.” She began, trying to find the right words. “I don’t have any expectations of you, or this, whatever this is.” Her voice was soft, as she continued. “So I’m not expecting you to change, or become something your not. At any point you want to walk away, I will completely understand and have no hard feelings.” 

-

Rafe cleared his throat, gaze briefly dropping to his hands as he mulled over Liv’s words. He’d been with plenty of women — it was no secret he’d been through three separate marriages. And he liked to think that, in most of those cases, there had been some level of understanding of who he was. But that had still failed, in the end. The relationship, that false sense of safety and understanding. Olivia wasn’t innocent, and Rafe didn’t imply as much when he spoke to her. She’d not had an easy go at life and had her share of wounds from her marriage and her upbringing. Rafe also knew that, with as much shit as she’d been through, he didn’t need to be another thing she survived. 

“I wish I believed that.” Rafe replied softly, too soft to be very much in character for him. “This is messy, Liv. For everyone.” For James, for Mei. He hadn’t spoken to her since Valentine’s Day, had no way of explaining any of this that wouldn’t result in some pained expression. More hurt to be dolled out. Not that Rafe cared about James. Clearly, he had no regard for the guy whatsoever. “But I’m not good enough of a guy to walk away from it. So just tell me what you want to do.”

[rafe-santos]

OLIVIA WATSON.

So much had changed for Olivia in the last year or so. Just this time last year, she had still been with her soon-to-be ex-husband. The marriage had begun to really fail at the end, perhaps it had been the birth of Beckett that had put things in perspective for her. It had taken her months to work up the courage to finally leave, and file for divorce, but once she did it felt as though a massive weight had been lifted off of her shoulder. Teddy had been a massive surprise, one that she welcomed with open arms just as she did with Beckett. Olivia tilted her head in his direction as her eyes found his. “I know I’ve said a million times by now, but I really am so appreciative. I even think the balloon you brought to the hospital has some air left in it.” All the gifts she had received during her short stay in the hospital, had found their home in a chair in her bedroom - she couldn’t bear throwing any of them away. 

Olivia listened as he spoke about his childhood and skating, letting a small smile form as he told her about ice skating and his first meeting with Mei. Olivia adjusted her seat on the couch, before turning her head to look over at him once more. “Do you miss it? Like I know you have the rink now, but like competing.” She asked him, scanning his face as she waited for him to answer. The mention of James and Mei’s wedding brought back memories of her in a bridesmaid dress, and the ceremony.“Well, when they had gotten married our mom had already died, and James would never have invited our dad.” Olivia hadn’t invited him to her own wedding. “Their wedding was such a blur. I had left right before the reception.” Not to her own accord, but she had heard about the speech Rafe gave from her brothers, and how much it had hurt James - though she wasn’t sure that was an issue to press, not as though he owed her any explanation. 

-

Rafe shook his head deftly. “You don’t have to thank me.” She really shouldn’t thank him — he’d never admit it out loud, but he’d needed this. Needed the company, needed to be needed. He was useful in this setting, Beckett was easy to entertain and to Rafe’s surprise, likable. It might have began as a way to antagonize James, but it was nice that Rafe enjoyed himself, at least. If he had the capacity, he might feel guilty for Liv. At least he might if they’d slept together, but that wasn’t something he was particularly worried about. If it happened, it happened. He wasn’t hanging around with that purpose in mind, anyway.

“— No. I guess I don’t.” There had been pockets full of joy, certainly, but it wasn’t the course he’d chosen in life. It’d been given to him, and he’d been good at it. “It wasn’t —” Rafe wasn’t a philosophical guy. He didn’t possess the ability to wax poetic about his life. And until Liv, no one had really pressed him to. “Who knows what I would of been, if it’d been left up to me. Probably still be washed up anyway.” He offered with a waning smile and a short life. “Yeah, well. It wasn’t really my shining moment.” Rafe regarded Liv for a moment, brow etching down as his lips pursed in a frown. “I’m not a decent guy. I probably will never change. You should know that. I don’t drink anymore, and I don’t do drugs, but it didn’t make me a better person. My first wife told me I was spoiled at my core. And she’s been right all along.” He shifted, unflinching from his casual delivery. “I know you’ve had your deal of shit and bad luck and whatever. So you should know that. Now.”

[rafe-santos]

OLIVIA WATSON.

“Yeah, I don’t know you handle the divorce thing so well. The one I’m going through currently is enough for me.” Olivia never imagined herself in the position she was now – in the middle of a nasty divorce, mom of two, all in her early thirties. However, like most things that happened in her life, she was handling it the best she could – and taking it one day at a time. Rafe being there, had been a welcomed distraction from all that had been going on. The four of them doing their own thing, almost as if they were makeshift family. The irony of his confession about children. “So, you’ve lived your whole life practically in a pair of skates?” She flashed him a grin, before waiting a beat. “Would you go back and change it. If you could? Live a different life, be a different person?” Her tone was light but had a hint of seriousness in it. As if Olivia was worried the question might offend the other. His compliment caught her off guard but was something that didn’t realize she had needed to hear. Olivia had been so worried that she wasn’t doing her best with the boys. “Thank you.” She said before looking back up at him. “I just – “She paused for a moment, before continuing. “My mom wasn’t great, and I think I always wanted to become one, so I could give them something I never had. Kind of like a do over. I don’t know, it makes sense in my head.”

-

It was a good point — Rafe did always seem to navigate the ends of his marriages well. He wasn’t a fighter, he didn’t yell or throw harsh words their way. Mostly because the end had felt inevitable, that they could not stand to let Mei bask in the glow of his love while they fell to the wayside. And he couldn’t blame them, couldn’t possibly fault their jealousy. It wasn’t fair, would never be fair to them. “Yeah, I don’t know. You get numb to it, after awhile.” It was different, with Natalie. He’d put up a fight when she’d wanted to leave, had tried to save whatever there was to salvage. But that hadn’t worked out in his favor, so he tried to ignore it. Waited patiently for the divorce papers, was not really in any rush to have to look at them, to sign away the life they’d shared and then go on to wonder who she would become without him. 

He was lifted from his distracting thoughts by Liv’s question, a small smile and nod of acknowledgement following. “My parents are former Olympians, actually. They were pair skaters, like Mei and I. They always wanted me to skate, so I did. It was in my DNA, really. Couldn’t help but be good at it. I did start off as a solo skater, though.” His gaze drifted, able to harken back on the first time he’d met Mei vividly, even though he’d been all but seven years old. “They didn’t want me to skate with Mei. They thought she was too timid. Her parents thought I was too reckless. But we were perfect together. Out on the ice, I mean.” He mulled over her next question, head then shaking slowly. “I don’t know that I know what any other life looks like. Some things have come pretty easy. Other things have eluded me entirely. I’ll never know what the right answer is. But I think... I have the life I deserve. And that’s enough.” He wasn’t really a great muser, couldn’t think in hypotheticals with any sincere depth. “Yeah, I noticed that. That your parents weren’t at their wedding.” James and Mei’s. “I didn’t win the parent lottery, either. They were looking more for an athlete than a kid. But they’re, uh, present, I guess. But I guess I just never, uh, had that interest. I’d probably screw them up.”

[ozanxdurmaz]

Eureka Valley Ice Rink || @rafe-santos​

Never had someone taken the phrase “time is a construct” to heart as much as Ozan. Usually he saw timings as more of a suggestion than a necessity but it wasn’t purposeful that he was always late. If anything it was his habit of getting caught up in whatever had his attention, focus always grabbed so easily, and then loosing track of time. But the exception to this had always been hockey. Everything revolved around it. So despite his usual ways he had never been late for a single practise, even going as far as to leave early before each one just to make sure he go there on time. That same diligence was now applied to the skating lessons he’d been taking with Rafe, anything to improve his edge on the ice. He’d been skating practically as long as he could walk but since his accident he would try just about anything to get himself performing even better than he did before it.

Having decided to go for a hike in the morning he’d set an alarm to make sure he got back in plenty of time to make his lesson. But he’d barely started down the road when he’d come across a bewildered and disorientated fawn that he’d eventually managed to coax into getting off the road. When he eventually got to the rink he was about fifteen minutes late, jogging into the building to save himself a few extra seconds. “Sorry I’m late.” There was an apologetic grin on his face as he practically skipped down the steps towards the ice, always keen to get back on it. “There was this baby deer in the middle of the road and I couldn’t leave it there. Almost brought it with me but we know how Bambi was on ice.” It sounded like an excuse rather than an explanation, and an elaborate one at that, whether or not he was believed he’d never been able to tell anything but the truth. 

[rafe-santos]

Rafe had never considered ice hockey a particular talent. He had always found that the skaters lacked a gravitas and grace on the ice that figure skaters mastered. And while he loathed to have hockey players at his and Mei’s rink, a particularly persistent one had worn his charms on Rafe, and earned some extra hours on the ice to learn from a master. And Rafe wasn’t conflating himself — several Olympic medals tended to lend oneself to mastery. “Can’t talk shit on you for that. I was always late for practice.” Rafe floated on the ice gracefully, leaving precise cuts in the ice with his skates as he glided.

“Well, you’re here now. Pop on those sorry excuse for ice skates and get out here.” Rafe had really been avoiding coming to the rink, giving Mei whatever space she wanted from him after Valentine’s Day. But it was off hours, and she was gone. And Rafe, as ever, was drawn to the ice. It was a bug he’d been born with. And it was nice to spend some time with someone who shared that same enthusiasm. 

[rafe-santos]

OLIVIA WATSON.

Olivia smirked, before relaxing on the couch that James had bought her when she had first moved into the apartment. “A gentleman.” She teased, flashing him a smirk, before turning her head towards Rafe. He had become such a big help, and she enjoyed the company that he brought. If Olivia had a plan after her birth, it wouldn’t have included Rafe. However, she wasn’t complaining. In the days that followed leaving the hospital, he had come almost every day, and it was nice not being left alone with a toddler and an infant. “You never wanted kids? Like ever?” Liv questioned with an arch of her eyebrows. “Because you would have fooled me.” She beamed, before giving him a small shrug and glancing towards the tv before back at him. “I don’t know, I’ve been winging it if we’re being honest. I have literally no clue what or how I am doing it half of the time.” 

-

“I have three ex-wives. Gentleman is probably the last thing anyone would ever call me.” Rafe replied with a half-smirk, never giving away an inch of hurt. He missed Natalie — but that wasn’t something he’d ever verbalize, to anyone. Because that relationship had been real, and meaningful, and he’d lost it. “Ah, no.” He shook his head, hands folding over his chest as he looked over at Liv. “Yeah, well...” There wasn’t any real explanation as to why Rafe was here with Liv or spending copious amounts of time with her and her kids. Loneliness, maybe. An odd sense of belonging, perhaps. “I’ve just never had the desire, I guess. I’ve spent more time as a machine than a human. So I wouldn’t know the first thing about having a kid to take care of.” He had been finely tuned, an athlete with intense precision — a winner. Skating had been his life, still really was his life, in many ways. “It doesn’t show, if that’s any consolation. You’re a great mom.”

[rafe-santos]

JAMES WATSON.

I love her. And deep down, you know she loves me, too.

He shouldn’t have been shocked, hearing those words come out of Rafe’s mouth as easy as if he was simply lamenting about the weather. Had he really been so blind, or merely in denial? He knew that there was something that lingered between them, however one sided he hoped it might be, but all in all the optimistic part of him put stock in him just being entirely possessive of their friendship, which – while ridiculous and abhorrant at times – was still somewhat understandable given their history. Having it out on the table like this now felt like it was confirming some nightmare that he’d tried not to will into existence – and yet, here Rafe was in all his glory, and James’ mind immediately began to race as the insecurities starting settling in.

It didn’t take much to render him speechless, but nevertheless any bark or bite that he’d managed to build up over the years was completely gone. “What do you expect me to say to that?” he finally mumbled, his heart feeling like it was about to pound out of his chest. “If Mei loved you, she wouldn’t have married me.” The words were more to convince himself than Rafe, but even so… “I’d almost feel bad for you if you weren’t such a piece of shit.” He shook his head, finally willing himself to turn away and head out the open door. He wouldn’t allow Rafe to see him to upset – no, he couldn’t allow it. Because doing so would only make him more pathetic than he already was.

-

Rafe could remember clear as day the first time James was mentioned by Mei in casual conversation. It hadn’t seemed all that serious or significant, so Rafe had ignored the news. He’d been in the midst of the downfall of his second marriage, so suffice to say he hadn’t a lot of mental energy to spare. But when Mei had announced she was engaged, that was a different story entirely. His marriage had gone from failing to dead in the water, as all of Rafe’s energy was spent wondering how they’d gotten to this place — where their lives would be separate in a way they’d never been before. Because, realistically, Mei had always gotten more attention than any of his wives, so it stood to reason that, at least for Rafe, his being married changed nothing. But Mei being married? It affected everything. 

There were drugs and alcohol to numb the sting, until their wedding. Their wedding. He’d made such a fool of himself, had says things so cruel that he’d never really forgive himself. Because for all he’d said and all he’d ever done, he did love that women. “Well you’re absolutely fooling yourself if you think that.” Rafe cleared his throat, looking at James head-on — shameless. “Torino, 2006. Mei and I were absolutely primed to take home the gold. Our qualifiers were fucking flawless. I show up to practice with a wedding ring on. Mei, like, loses her edge. We place third. Barely. Then in Vancouver, I’m divorced, and she’s happy again. Gold. She married you because I failed a fucking drug test and we couldn’t place for Sochi. That’s all, buddy. Your wife and I share something you’ll never be able to understand. You’ll never be able to come close to. And that’s fine, for me. If you think otherwise. If you want to try and convince yourself otherwise. I’ll always have her. The door will always be just a little bit open. And you’ll always have to wonder.”

[madicarlisle-deactivated2023051]

@rafe-santos​

Location: Olivia’s apartment, Bayview

“You know, you don’t have to help if you don’t want,” Olivia had shut the door to the nursery, and glanced over at Rafe, who had just put what was left of the bottle back in the fridge. The mother of two had just laid down Teddy, while the two-year-old tuckered himself out from watching Paw Patrol in her bed. It was the first time since coming home from the hospital that both boys had taken their naps at the same time. Which, Olivia couldn’t be more than thrilled about. Rafael had been spending time over at her apartment since she had come home, and as much as she appreciate the help offered she didn’t want him to feel as though it was expected. 

“As much as I truly appreciate it, you always have the option of telling me to fuck off.” She teased as she sat down on the couch, childless, for the first time in what felt like years.

[rafe-santos]

“Huh?” Rafe pretended as though he hadn’t quite heard Liv’s statement, hoping she knew, at the very least, that he was happy to be where he was wanted. And, for some inexplicable reason, he seemed to very much be wanted here, entertainment for Olivia and Beckett. Not quite as useful as far as Teddy went, but he’d suddenly become an expert on changing diapers. “I’d ghost you before I spoke to you like that.” He replied, half-teasing. Rafe made his way to the couch, falling into it beside Liv, with just enough distance to shift his body and look at her. “I sort of, like, don’t get how you handle it all. I think half of why my exes and I never discussed kids is because we both knew I didn’t have the stamina for it.” And yet, there Rafe was, in the thick of it. 

[rafe-santos]

JAMES WATSON.

James attempted to keep his mouth shut, knowing that anything he possibly said or asked even out of pure curiosity and not spite would render some more venom being shot in his direction. And, no matter what, he would come out of it feeling like an absolute ass. “Why?” he questioned then, holding his hands up in the air. “You don’t have anyone else in this town you could hang around?” One could tell merely by the way his voice fell now that he was already defeated by this conversation, but he still just had to understand. 

“Right, because I should just take everything you say at face value.” He rolled his eyes, letting out a heavy breath. He hated that Rafe was right – Olivia could hang out and be friends with whomever she desired, he’d never been one to want to control her in such a way. But…at the same time, she was the most naive out of the three Watson siblings, and Rafe had never been anything but trouble. James just didn’t want her to get hurt, especially at this point in her life where she was extra vulnerable. “’Consequences’? It never had to be this way, Rafe, you act as if you’ve had no choice but to be an absolute nightmare to me since we met”

-

Rafe’s gaze rested on James, watching the man try to muster whatever dignity he could possibly have in his presence. He might have felt bad for the guy if he had ever possessed any compassion for him, but he hadn’t. Never would. “Why?” Rafe shrugged his shoulders lazily, knowing it would bug James all the more. “Color me bored, I guess.” In reality, Rafe was still raw from Natalie leaving, and Olivia had found a weakness in his armor, that eternal yearning to be wanted. And while the situation was far from ideal in many ways, Rafe was content to spend time with Liv than be left alone to his own thoughts. Particularly when he and Mei weren’t speaking, which had only ever happened once before — when he’d been in rehab. Even then, she’d come to visit him in the end, to let him make amends.

“I honestly don’t give a shit how you take my word, chief.” Really, Rafe had no concern for James or his opinion whatsoever. But he knew that Mei was often upset by him antagonizing her husband, so he usually kept his distance, knowing he could never help himself when James presented himself. “What did you expect? Mei is—” Rafe shook his head. “I love her. And deep down, you know she loves me, too. It’s always been there. Since we were kids. And if you want to play house with her and convince yourself that there’s no trouble in paradise, then be my guest. But you’ll never be able to love her enough to keep her loving me. You know it as well as I do.”

[rafe-santos]

OLIVIA WATSON.

Olivia couldn’t help the small laughter that escaped her lips at his comment. “No. I think you’re good. However, if it was Beckett he would repeat everything you say. I’ve learned to stop saying ‘Fuck’ when he is around.” Hearing her son had repeatedly said the word fuck at daycare made for an interesting conversation with the teacher. Olivia had to make a mental note to start replacing her curse words with things like ‘Fudge’ and ‘Biscuit’. The sound of Teddy stirring from his sleep caused her to lean up. “I think he’s hungry.” She explained, before reaching out her arms to take the fussy baby back. “I did feed him an hour ago, just so you know. I think he just might have my appetite.” 

-

“Yeah, well. I told you, that’s why I don’t work with the little kids.” Rafe had no soft side, had never really been conditioned to find compassion for the things he could not relate to. At the ripe age of 38, he probably would never learn — and children were the least relatable things in life to him. He’d never wanted children, had known from an early enough age that there was fundamentally wrong with him, the sort of wrongness that would be negligent to reproduce. So all of his talent would die with him, along with the selfishness, the cruelness, the addictions that had plagued him in his younger years. He was pulled from his train of thought as Teddy began to fuss, Rafe all too happy to hand him back over to more capable hands. “No, no that’s fine. I’ll uh—” He shrugged his shoulders as his hands slid into the pockets of his jeans. “I’ll get out of your hair, then. But uh... You know, call me. If you need anything. I mean it.”