This hasn’t been easy. My mind whirls with thoughts about the past. I say recently but honestly, it’s all the time. It’s been over a year since Robert left and still 3-4 more months till he returns. This time in my life has been one of the most mentally stimulating, challenging and just a different sort of challenge. It’s been 5 months (which to most is not long time so I apologize if I come off whiney) of solitude, living on my own, with a roommate I barely know, a cat and a lizard. My mind is spent; exerting energy to make good and true friends with similar mind sets and interests. Begrudgingly, I have gotten used to spending most of my time alone. I am OK with doing most things on my own but there is a certain comfort in having someone to do it with you, someone that truly understands you and makes you feel like they actually care. In my small group of friends, I am the only one that is alone. Who would have thought? Not that this is a bad thing, but it is fascinating that I have all the time in the world to hang out and do things with people but so in so can’t because they have to have dinner with their S/O or they are in a fight with their S/O or they want to just relax at home in front of the TV with their S/O and then their in a fight with their S/O so that’s what they want to talk about or blah blah blah. My mind has run out of the energy and desire to talk about my relationship problems and issues. I don’t have many except for the fear of Robert not coming back and letting me down for the 1000th time. But, my expectations are constantly put on hold. Apparently, this is what one must do to achieve happiness.
God I am such a pessimist. So many things in my life have not gone in a direction I would have hoped for, but I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I went to a different high school. I definitely wouldn’t be in Richmond still. Nothing here holds my interest any more. Richmond reminds me of a bad breakup that you’re pretty much over and yet you for some reason can’t get the person out of your mind because you constantly forced to look at/see the person and no matter how often you travel, you just can’t get away. Just this past week I’ve gone to two places where I saw people from my past and it reminds me of why I did what I did and why I am glad of the way life has changed. Luckily, those meetings were accepted with smiles and open arms and I embraced the opportunity to reengage the comforts of the past.
School will start soon and I am beyond excited to start something new. I chose VCU because of it’s proximity to work, but VCU would have paid for me to go anywhere so...what if I had the forethought to decide to go to a program like this one but somewhere else?? It would have been a lot more expensive but it would be amazing to travel somewhere else for an entire week, explore a new place, meet new intelligent people with like minds and remove myself from Richmond.So much of my time is spent conjuring up plans to leave, why didn’t I think of that before? I was so entranced by the idea of doing this particular program that I couldn’t and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of going somewhere else for grad school. How silly! I wanted to be near my significant other. Fuck that. He went somewhere else. Why the fuck didn’t I? Ah well, thinking about the past doesn’t do any good, just makes me realize that I closed my mind to other possibilities and that’s the opposite of what I want to do.
The goal now is to stay open to opportunities for myself and what I want and not to hold back for anyone. The times where I have chosen a path which were the most difficult has lead me to some of the best and greatest opportunities my mind could never even imagine. Sure, there are things I lack that I miss, but the future holds some pretty cool stuff right around the corner and I cannot wait. I guess this is what growing up is.
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