Ramshcakle

Ramsha| 22yo| She/Her| Pakistani History| POC Dark Academia| Writing|

[ramshcakle]

I love learning about my friend's childhood/ teenage years special interest. Not the most interesting but one of my interests was....... reading the dictionary. I'd spend every morning and afternoon bus rides in middle school reading the dictionary and writing words I liked on slips of paper. I had a list of my favorite words that I would pull out and use in sentences at random. I must've been an annoying person to be friends with in school lmaoooo.

[ramshcakle]

It's a cold night at a diner. I'm sitting close to the window at the back, and I can't shake off the smell of gardenias from your wedding this morning. Wearing a fancy dress to a diner hardly seemed like a fitting aesthetic, but the mood called for it. The place looked sombre with hardly any customers, conflicting with the gleeful frenzy of the wedding and even which works for me. I'm in the mood for self-pity anyways… I can hardly taste the milkshake and can hardly hold back my tears. 'A lady acts with dignity' my parents say and I'm nowhere near dignified right now. You looked beautiful today, With your wife. Both of you were glowing, and you shone in your suit. I wish I could have congratulated you properly, but for now, I could only feign a fake allergy to some flower filling the venue and leave early. In my defence, they were too many. And you aren't even a fan of flowers! I'm guessing it's your wife's idea. Now, If it were me….. No! I shake my head. "Nope, not gonna think about it" I mutter. I realize a bit too late, but I'm out of milkshake. I should order another one. Would this be my fifth? Ahhhh, who cares! It's just that day, ya know. I motion to the waitress for another milkshake, and she gives me a thumbs up. Minutes later, I get a fresh glass. If you were here, you'd make fun of how many milkshakes I've drunk, in good fun of course. I chuckle. You'd get your usual breakfast pancakes right at this table every other day right before work, and I'd swirl around a coffee or tea right across from you on most days. Although the wedding preparations made you very busy, you still made time for me without me saying anything. Just a day before your big day, you sat here grumbling about how your wife's favourite gardenias arriving later than planned. You ate your breakfast with tired eyes, and I couldn't help but steal glances from you. I can't help it. What cruel world would make you look so radiant? It's as if the universe was laughing at me, telling me that maybe this could've been me if I was strong enough to come out as I truly am. That's a scary thought though, so I resign myself to catching glimpses of you while you rant about your day or about how your mother insists you wear a dress instead of your suit this late into preparations. My heart aches all the while, desperately gleaning more from your friendship than you intend, even if it's to soothe an aching heart. AGHHHHH I managed to make the few customers stare at me. I was never a romantic! I told myself I'd take my stupid secret to my grave. My parents would never accept me. What good would creating chaos would do. But then you pop up in my mind in that diner, almost like you're right across from me right now and I remember your words 'I'm so glad you're with me. Thank you for everything'. Right there! right there I wanted to give it all up. I wanted to stop acting and stop pretending. The words 'I love you so much' were on my lips but not in my throat. All I could do was stare at you with what I assume would have been a wide-eyed expression. I had to blink away the tears. My objective to completely forget you failed hasn't it. It did give me an excellent way to close things off, However. All those wonderful and painful years of knowing you as a friend lead me here. I do hope you keep being happy. Maybe for the first time, I can hope to be more like me too. I look at my milkshake, and it's already over. I grab the last of my things and stuff them into my dress pocket to leave. This is the last time I'll come to this diner. Great place but too many stupid feelings so I would not recommend. I step out, and, oddly enough, the night doesn't feel so cold anymore.

[ramshcakle]

It’s a shame a show like Churails (Witches) got banned in Pakistan. Although the Pakistan drama industry has a lot of gems, it is unfortunate that a good chunk of them portray women as either self-sacrificial lambs or evil, greedy women waiting to ruin some man’s life (brother, son, husband etc.). I’ve grown up watching lots of Pakistani dramas and its rare to see women portrayed as human beings capable of making mistakes without them being immediately demonised. Whereas, male characters can be abusive to their women or engage in Haram activities while still being sympathetic to the audience. The problem here btw isn’t Islam as islamophobes might put it but the patriarchal societal structures present in many cultures. Women can only be what men want them to be or what men fear. They have no heart, no regrets, no feelings, no dreams etc. that don’t have anything directly to do with a man.

Churails is a drama that changed that. It showed that Pakistani dramas are capable of telling compelling stories about women, where they can be something outside of what men want them to be. Although the drama focusses on sexism experienced in the country by many women, it strives to portray the stories of these women unapologetically. Every character in the show is treated like a person. It’s been a while where I’ve seen a drama that gets me excited—combined with the crime thriller aspect, this show out-did itself.

Contrary to what people think, Churails isn’t about man-hating women going out and promoting Haram things. It’s a show that breaks away from the typical conventions of drama, all while holding up a mirror to the ugly truth that people would much not focus on. Watching Churails spoiled me. It made me realise how much I’ve wanted to see something like this in the context of Pakistani society. Hollywood can never do that for me in the way Lollywood can and did. I wish more dramas were like this where women can finally be unapologetically human rather than a cherry-picked bag of tropes.

[ramshcakle]

The topic of marriage is so wild like especially as a woman like??? you and your friend are talking about marriage and weddings, and you say that you’re not interested in ever getting married and you get hit with an “I think you will when you find a nice guy :)”.....Like.....you don’t want to be “that bitch” and say “No I wouldn’t. I don’t think I’d EVER be interested” because most people around you at least consider getting married and having kids one day. Then you ask yourself “Am I ~quirky~ to not be interested?? Maybe this isn’t a real feeling since it might as well have spawned from having a shitty childhood where all I saw were abusive marriages, so idek what a healthy relationship looks like or whether it even exists???” 

I love the idea of living on my own and meeting up with friends. I wanna have an identity where I’m not just “wife of/ mother of...”. At the same time I appreciate women who do take this path willingly. The conversation becomes a lot harder when you talk from an ace perspective. How do you even navigate that in a world where sex in marriage is a given and in many case “a mans right....” (gross). I don’t think I’m very eloquent on this topic but it just feels lonely and sometimes very oppositional to a very normalized part of life. I just wish I didn’t have to feel unsure when I’d state my opinions or like it will be casually dismissed in favour of a “You’ll have to get married one day”. 

[ramshcakle]

I’ve started doing the thing where you move your body and not stay still in front of a screen all day for the first time in a while and man was it tough. I kept seeing Latin dancing exercises and I wondered if they have Bhangra exercises and they do??? shook.  

[escapekit]

The Long Journey II Germany-based photographer Kevin Krautgartner has been fascinated for years by the inconspicuous, often unpaved or only rarely used roads and tracks in some of the most remote places in the world. Roads through lava fields, dried up salt lakes or even wetlands. Roads that only interfere with nature to a limited extent and allow a co-existence of landscape and movement path. Due to the very versatile soil and the mostly immediate surrounding nature, the aerial perspective shows how we have created paths through all kinds of vegetation.

[ramshcakle]

During Ramadan, I’d stay up after Fajr watching the sunrise and enjoying the birds as they chirp. I’d crack open the window and get ready to take a picture of the perfect sunrise. Having time to myself and not being concerned about other people, even for a moment has been an enormous blessing for me. Especially since I went for years, not being able to enjoy much. Anxious and depressing thoughts have been a significant part of my experience. 

Now I give myself the alone time I need. I stay up late reading books or listening to podcasts, and sometimes I wake up early to watercolour and drink tea (not during Ramadan of course). In uni (pre-COVID), I’d stay in the library reading or watching Netflix with a cup of chai or go out to enjoy the rare winter air. All this to say that sometimes, understanding what gives you a moment of peace goes a long way. It doesn’t take away the painful memories and shitty times sure, but It sure is better than putting yourself in uncomfortable situations for the comfort of others.

[ramshcakle]

Oh to be a scientist in a tall dark tower receiving magic funding to conduct *mysterious* experiments while being surrounded by many many books.....

[ramshcakle]

Reformed Dark Academia

I like reading a lot of dark academia posts on here, but my experience (as well as the experience of many) hasn't always been the best with learning. Especially since for a lot of us, the school environment has been unbelievably toxic to a child's curiosity. So over the years here's what I've had to unlearn:

- Rediscovering the art of getting lost in researching a random topic

- Seeing a lower grade as an opportunity to learn rather than a sign of failure

-Passionately talking about a field of interest to friends and family for hours

- Trying out new hobbies without expecting perfection every time

- Getting interested in philosophy and arts which is often looked down upon compared to science

- Not being afraid to ask questions or counter someone's point if you have a valid argument

- Being confidant about the knowledge you have and not always second-guessing yourself when acting a little 'pretentious' about a topic you like

- Being more mindful of when to take breaks and understanding your limits

- Not feeling too ashamed to ask for help and reviews from your friends from time to time

- Admitting that you can be wrong and using that as an opportunity to grow especially when it comes to social issues

- Being kinder to yourself when you mess up and giving yourself a treat just for trying

- Celebrating little and big victories (like completing a research project!!)

That's all I can think for now but feel free to add on.