Rant To The Void

[rant-to-the-void]

My coworker likes me, I think. He’s been a kind friend to me for the few weeks we have had together at work. I am leaving the city in three weeks for good so there so entertaining this match. In fact I have told him I’ll never date anyone ever again.

Today he asked me how much coffee I’ve had already and I told him to never ask me my age, or how much coffee I’ve had. Just for the fun of conversation. We laughed. I then said I had a lot and my heart hurts from it a little. We laughed again and then went our separate ways. When I was almost at the door to my office he called after me ‘Víš že tvoje srdce je sval. Musíš ho cvičit’.

Kind of wish I’ve met him at twenty five. I’d be a whole different person now.

[rant-to-the-void]

After five turns around the sun, back to Bohemia I return.

[rant-to-the-void]

From now on, I will use my boobs for the greater good. My greater good, nobody else’s. I’ve been ashamed of them, trying to hide them. Feeling gross and se*ualized by sight. If I can turn the possession of being well developed to my advantage, I might as well.

[rant-to-the-void]

Well, I did it. I broke up with my boyfriend and will move back to my hometown. I will have to find a job and flat in the city nearby but I will be with my family! After five years it’s safe to come home. I’M COMING HOME. I can’t believe it. I thought I’d never say that again.

I will never have to listen to his harsh swearing. I’ll never have to serve him any way ever. I will live for me and my family. He will never make me believe that things he did never happened and I made them up again. No more angry man in my home when denied intimacy, blaming me for everything that gets damaged, his own laziness and unsucess, no more trying to say everything perfectly so that he would understand right away and not get angry.

There’s so many things that come with this decision and most of them free me. I will get to sleep how much and when I want to. I will get to choose where I put my things. I will have quiet evenings. When I’m sick I will get uninterrupted rest. I will do my laundry only and wash my dishes and clean my mess and never have to beg anyone to chip in. I will buy my own food and not feed a man from my own pocket. I will buy furniture that is not gray and ‘getlemany’. My sheets won’t be yellow and smelly after three days.

I can’t wait for this version of me.

[rant-to-the-void]

I have loved a few people in my life. I have loved them so much to the point of embarrassment, pain. No mountain was too high for me to climb just for them. Tell me how high and I will jump. I will be like a dog. I’d do anything, go anywhere.

It’s Love that got me here. To this city I live in today. Yet my love for her has gone away. Since then I have loved someone else who made me want to run from this place. But I couldn’t do it. I wanted to witness his life even when he did not want to witness mine. What if one day, he would wake up and think of me. He’d come running to me and I would not be there. What if. But if never came and even IF did come, it would not mean good news for me. Except I did not know it back then. I wished for IF. I longed and my longing destroyed me.

Now love is harsh to me. It screams and yells, says awful things to me.

[rant-to-the-void]

I wish I could be one of them. Always surrounded, wanted, invited.

[rant-to-the-void]

I realized that women my age are usually already divorced and in a stage of finding peace. So, I should do the same. I will be 30 in a year and a half. I should rent my own apartment and be in solitude. I will skip the marriage and kids part.

I know of two girls my age from my hometown who said screw it and are intentionally single. Got themselves apartments and just live in peace. I feel like they are the first ones to do it in this small town, this age, with no kids, no ex husband. Just traumatized. I’m so glad we can do this now.

I need to do it too. I mean, I’m scared of being alone but aren’t I already? All these days and nights spent watching him play video games, all his selfish decisions, all the time I spent cooking food, cleaning, grocery shopping. Just for him to yell at me like a maniac.

I need to leave this city and go home.

[rant-to-the-void]

I can not pinpoint a single time in my life, that I would go back to. I rush through it, hoping maybe in the next chapter I will be finally truly happy. I do remember though a short period of time, when I was free. I would laugh so hard and it was all genuine. That girl had no idea of this fat, sad lump of a woman I’d become. I became the embodiment of miserable, vanilla, mousy gray plane jane. Stuck in a bad relationship, the only thing interesting about me, afraid of what I would become if I left. How many more years of this awful life? Every next chapter just gets worse.

I used to be so naive and hopeful that it would get better.