Rant To The Void

[rant-to-the-void]

Text me. Text me so I can carry your message in my pocket as I go through the day. You best believe it will be on my mind the whole time, making me feel giddy and warm. And I will read it again and again before I get up for a coffee break, after a meeting and in between calls.

My little escape.

[rant-to-the-void]

Caress my face like I caress yours. Can you find it within you?

Because I know what it’s like to want to touch you, to love you. To feel the absolute raw need to be gentle. As if my finger had some kind of otherly privilege.

Do you feel the same?

I can’t see it in your roughness. Can you show me I too am precious to you?

[rant-to-the-void]

For one year of my live I was prescribed antidepressants. Best sleep ever. Every time the doctor upped my dosage, I’d completely stop sweating for about a week. Like my armpits were DRY.

For a year I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh. I was a zombie, brain dead. The only thing I was able to feel was the emptiness where once was anxiety, excitement, joy, anticipation, anger. The color of this feeling was milk white.

If I didn’t get the prescription I would not be here today. The withdrawal was hard. My brain was physically sending me shock waves every time I looked to the side. I don’t even know how to describe it. But now, three years later, what a treat it is to be able to have a good belly laugh with tears in my eyes. And I am alive.

[rant-to-the-void]

Getting on tinder at the age of 28 is such a tragedy. I’m a scarred for life. Oh, the things I’ve seen, the audacity I’ve witnessed.

[rant-to-the-void]

To give you an idea of what love has been like in my life so far, I’d say it’s a bit like scratching someone’s back. Giving it your whole attention, trying to make the other person feel good. Yes, come to me for rest, come to me for comfort. I’ll take care of you. Never scratching in monotony, making sure they come back for seconds.

And then it’s your turn to be taken care of and what do you get? Absent, rushed, repetitive movement. The hand as alive as a dead fish. Let’s get it over with. Job so badly done just to make sure they won’t be asked for favors and ever again.

I too want devotion and detail. Do you remember where I love to be touched? I have been so starved and carved out that I feel repulsed by lovers needing something from me. Don’t ask me for anything. The world may have domesticated me but I shall serve no more.

[rant-to-the-void]

Found out I had a crush my whole life. I mean, what else would you call that. Haven’t seen him for years. Haven’t talked to him in full sentence since I was seven. But whenever I see him somewhere he just kind of stands out of the crowd to me. You bet I’d be a babbling mess if I were to talk to him today.

I don’t think he remembers me anyway.

[rant-to-the-void]

Wait, did I pull a hallmark move?

[rant-to-the-void]

After months and months of anxiety, pain and heartache I ditched the city, ditched the relationship and moved to the small town I grew up in. Last day of my old job I jumped on a train and with that said goodbye to my old life. Not knowing what the future holds, I nonchalantly cried most of the journey. All the uncertainty about my job, my dog being in his final stage of life, the thoughts racing. Did I just ruin my life?

I woke up the next day in my childhood bedroom. The house was quiet. The first day of the rest of my life. So what now? Sure I can give myself grace and rest a little. But my phone suddenly rang and I got the news I got the job I really wanted. Truly, one door has to close for another to open.

So if you must picture me, picture me like this: I’m in my parents garden picking raspberries. Frolicking through the bushes, barefoot, barely surviving the heatwave. Full of anticipation. My elderly familiar keeping me company, following me around slowly. I am surrounded and supported.

This wouldn’t be possible if I didn’t pick my Self up and carried her out of the fire. It felt like going against the current all the way. Like moving through this heatwave. But I did it. And I’m still doing it.

[rant-to-the-void]

To anyone who thinks they will never get over that unrequited love. You will.

One day you will look at their photo and feel nothing. I know it sounds impossible right now. But in fact, one day you’ll look at them and think, how could I ever be so hung up on them. How could I give so much of my one and only life to longing after them.

It is your love that made them so interesting. With time and space their face becomes ordinary, their touch unlonged for.

Time is fleeting, don’t waste it baby.

[rant-to-the-void]

Existují horší boty než žabky na podpatku?

[rant-to-the-void]

You’ve pointed your finger at me and yelled out a label. A gift I never wanted. And as much as I tried to change your mind so you’d maybe call me something else, you very much wanted me to be known as who you’ve decided I must be. You started introducing me into your world with a name I did not deserve.

Please, can anyone here recognize me for my good intentions? I lost years on convincing and debating and explaining and giving more and trying it this way and that way. All in vain.

I do not have to try to convince you anymore. Not you, nor your family. I just wanted them to like me so bad. Now I know I would never earn their respect even if I gave them modrý z nebe.

[rant-to-the-void]

Why was I a ‘cold queen’ this time? My dog is dying and I did not want to go to his parents pool. I’m so close to a breakdown. My jaw is so stiff it hurts like hell. Cried in the conference room with my mom on the phone for good thirty minutes before I had to go.

I’m so sorry she has to be the one to make the decision. Gosh, I hope he waits for me. Please wait for me sweet boy. I’m almost home.

[rant-to-the-void]

One day, your conversation will come across a woman walking in the dark, looking across her shoulder at a stranger and he will say something like ‘Women should stop being so paranoid, it makes us feel weird when you act all alert and speed up like we are some creeps’ and I know nothing you say will convince him we have the right to feel scared walking alone at night.

I wonder what you will do in that situation. The relay is yours now, I am retiring my position. I can not have these conversations anymore. He truly has no compassion, no sympathy to another human being other than himself. After three years of this I’m just so tired. I think about this whenever I feel sad it’s over.

[rant-to-the-void]

When I was little I used to romanticize moving houses. The boxes, big truck, great entrance, new beginning. I didn’t move out of my mother’s childhood home until I went to university thought and I did not know that every time I would move in my adult life I’d be running from something. Family, man, danger. Sometimes everything at once.

I look at the boxes in the middle of the room and there is nothing romantic about it. That’s my whole life right there. All my stuff in a few boxes. With a bit of luck and few tweaks it should all fit into a standard European car.

That’s no anchor for me to pivot around. Just stuff that will make its way to my childhood bedroom. Next to the elliptical and my mothers sewing machine.

[rant-to-the-void]

I’m restless. Who knew the idea of never having to have this painful, forced on intercourse would awaken my libido.

I’m so alive I could run into the streets screaming ‘She’s not dead everyone!’ I’m not broken I just had to leave a narcissist. It was never about me.

Truly, I wonder if people can feel how I buzz. It is almost unbearable.

[rant-to-the-void]

My goddess, what is this longing. I’m pining, yearning for something. It’s like an itch I can not reach. Haven’t felt anything but tremendous sadness since Christmas, haven’t liked a single song for two years. And now I’m all poetic. How do I satisfy this hunger?

[rant-to-the-void]

My coworker likes me, I think. He’s been a kind friend to me for the few weeks we have had together at work. I am leaving the city in three weeks for good so there so entertaining this match. In fact I have told him I’ll never date anyone ever again.

Today he asked me how much coffee I’ve had already and I told him to never ask me my age, or how much coffee I’ve had. Just for the fun of conversation. We laughed. I then said I had a lot and my heart hurts from it a little. We laughed again and then went our separate ways. When I was almost at the door to my office he called after me ‘Víš že tvoje srdce je sval. Musíš ho cvičit’.

Kind of wish I’ve met him at twenty five. I’d be a whole different person now.