rants

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Have hope. New people are coming in. They hear you. They know some of the worst parts of you and don't judge. They seem kind and understand. Have faith.

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I do wonder, will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel pleasure? Will I ever be heard? Will I ever need choosen and wanted?

I feel like I've only been given 1 thing at a time, but I have gave everything. It's not hard. It's not a lot. But I deserve some too.

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It might feel like everything is falling apart but others have gone through worse, you yourself have gone through worse so pick yourself up

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I do wonder. How many more times before I find true love. And if I will break or give up hope ever before it happens. I know I'm young but 3 times is a lot.

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It is so strange. One moment the love of my life and my best friend. But now we are just strangers with memories.

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I promise you truly did your best

You are such a good girl

You have such a good heart that forgives and don't want the people you love and care for to suffer

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You deserve someone who doesn't make you want you to jump off a building

You deserve someone who doesn't make you want to bleed and leave scars all over your body

You deserve someone who doesn't make you feel like you are just a body a tool for their pleasure

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Hey I know it's hard but I know you did donyour best and even now everything you are doing your best

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Hey I know it's hard but I know you did donyour best and even now everything you are doing your best

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Hi I am trying to be more positive and I guess heal and have the motivation to live again.

I am proud of myself for getting discharged.

Everyone else is right. I am a good girl.

I am proud of myself for doing my best. I truly did and it is time to let go.

I am proud of myself for making lunch.

I am proud of myself for constantly trying and reaching out.

It's ok. Healing isn't linear.

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I dunno if my expectations are just too high. But I certainly didn't expect just this. Just seem to distant. I thought she'll at least say oh get well soon, I still love you, I will be waiting for you. Just how about work tmr. I mean I also know and thought about it. But what else can I do. Maybe I thought she'll care a bit more. Now who am I suppose to tell them, that will support me. I really don't have anyone. I honestly high chance will leave me.

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Honestly what did I do? What did I do to deserve this?

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Kinda funny. I regret not buying alcohol. How am I suppose to sleep.

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I am not doing ok. I don't think i ever will be doing ok. I want to be robbed. I want to in an accident. Lowkey, I might even want to go out in the street and get raped. Then maybe I have an actual valid reason for feeling this way. Maybe the violent pain finally shows how I'm feeling kn the inside. Maybe people will finally care. Or maybe I will just be disappointed in the results. The truth. I do still hope. I try to have faith. But everyday I'm proven otherwise. I really try. Maybe me trying doesn't matter. The world isn't made for me. The world doesn't want me. I got pulled back because she says she cares. She tells me to wait.

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Hi. I do want to keep trying. I have to be patient. But why am I always waiting? I am ready for others. Why can't others be ready for me? I have to wait. I'm not sure. Is this my fate? Maybe truly there's something wrong with me. That I am truly unlovable. Maybe i manifested it. I truly am unlovable. After all that from outside looking in. I want to stop. But my body keeps moving and fighting. Fighting hurts. It hurts a lot. My heart and brain is so tired.

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It started as asking myself why do I do all this? Why do I pick my skin? As someone who values her appearance over anything else as someone who is aware that is where her value lies, why?

I feel like mainly it's a way to express how I really feel. I cannot take it out others, that's assault. I cannot take it out on things, that's property damage. The only thing I can do without getting into trouble is to hurt myself. Maybe in a way i do want to know if I hurt myself does anyone care? Because technically, it doesn't affect them at all. I did use to dream and think about getting into accidents and see how people would treat me after. I do want to know. But I have a feeling I would be disappointed with the results. Like the final blow to reality and I know despite knowing the truth. It being directly shown to you is a whole other story.

Maybe i want proof. That I was hurt. Emotionally I am holding onto too much so I want a reminder that yes, I did get hurt.

Maybe i want a sense of control. That everything around me is happening. I already try to stop it but the world doesn't operate like that. So I do something that I can do.

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You can do it. She might still be busy at this time. Just a few more hours. Wait just a little longer. You have done so so well. Continue to be a good girl.