Not perfect @rapevictimsdiary-blog - Tumblr Blog

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Locker room talk: 1. Holds my hand, "Please don't hold my hand." Him, "Oh does that make you uncomfortable?" Me, "Yes." Five minutes later grabs my hand again. 2. From a then boyfriend: "You're cute, you're just not my type." 3. From a then boyfriend: "You look like you've gained weight." 4. From a then boyfriend: "I mean you're pretty but you're not that pretty." 5. Guy at party grabs my ass. 6. Teacher slides hand down my hip and touches my butt. 7. From a floor above me in the parking garage, "Girl if I were down there I would..." he trails off. I wonder what he would do. 8. Someone follows me to the bathroom. "If you keep following me I am going to choke you." I tell him this four times. He still follows me. 9. Me, "You can't drive, you're drunk." Him, "I'm not drunk give me the keys." Me, "No." He hits me on the back of the head twice then tackles me to the floor and holds me down. I give him the keys. 10. He steps close to me and laughs, "Do I scare you?" He asks. 11. Squatting down to take a group photo, someone in the group behind me grabs my vagina from behind. I turn around but can't tell who it was. 12. Me: "I'm not going to have sex with you." Him: "I could make you." Me: "That would be called rape." 13. Teacher grabs me by the lower waist pulls me in to hug me and kisses my cheek. This is not in a "friendly" way. 14. Twelve years old, forty year old grabs my ass in a goose pinch. Multiple adults watch and say he was kidding. I believe he was kidding. 15. "Please stop touching me. If you keep doing it I'm going to leave." Him, proceeds to grab my waist and tries to kiss me. 16. Sitting with friend watching TV. Friend gets the wrong idea. Friend gets on top of me. "Stop. No. Stop it." Friend begins to kiss my neck. I hit his back. "Stop, no. Stop." I take my feet and put them against his hips, I push him as far away from me as I can. He looks up shocked. I leave. 17. "Let me see your vagina." 18. "Meet me at my house I could fuck you in the parking garage with a condom." 19. "I didn't hear you when you said stop." 20. Different guy: "I didn't hear you when you said stop." 21. Watching TV with a family members boyfriend. Me: "No stop it." Him: "Get on your back." 22. "You know you wanted to, don't tell anyone. It's our secret." Fifteen years old, he's twenty-one. 23. "You're fat." 24. Stranger, "Pull up your shirt." 25. "If you leave me I'm going to kill myself." 26. "I'm sorry I said that, I love you. You're beautiful. Sometimes you just make me so crazy." 27. "Fuck you, you stupid bitch." 28. "It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that they're my friend too. I don't know whose telling the truth. That doesn't make me a bad person does it?" Me, "Yes it does." 29. "Oh that is such bullshit you know you wanted to." 30. Delivering product to a restaurant, "Hey she's my girlfriend." Slides hand down my back. "Do you have a boyfriend?" Hugs me as I stiffen. Repeat once a week. 31. Restaurant owner grabs my ass. 32. Walks past Chef, "You're so fucking sexy." I proceed to uncomfortably stock their fridge with product as he leers. 33. At gym, same guy sets up yoga mat behind me, does crunches watching my work out. Makes direct eye contact in mirror. 34. Six drunk buddies follow me through the grocery store. "You're so hot." "You're so beautiful." "Where are you from? You live around here." I smile meekly. What else can I do? There are six of them and one of me. I go as quickly as possible. They follow me to the check out. "Let me get your number." 35. "I don't want to be picked up." Him, "Let me pick you up." Me, "No." He lifts me into the air and grunts. "You've put on a few pounds." I stopped eating around him. 36. Sitting down. He pulls down his pants. Me, "What are you doing?" Him, "Just suck it." Me, covering my mouth with my hand as he's trying to push himself towards my face. "No." I say. 37. "If you don't respond I'm going to come to your house with roses, asking you to marry me and telling you I love you." 38. "No you can't hang out with them." 39. "Take off your pants." 40. "Please stop touching me." Cuddles up to my back to spoon me, grabs me with both arms tightly. Pushes his cheek into my shoulder and smiles. "Doesn't this feel nice?"

"Hello I'm insert your name here." They shake your hand. "Hello I'm insert their name here." I'll write you sappy poetry, To prove to you I care, I'll impress you with a wide array of adjectives, And my knowledge of Shakespearean affairs, We'll debate the current state of politics, And as we cross the street for coffee, imported not local, "Ethiopian it's truly the best," You will gaze into my eyes in false adoration, Here we both lie, You showcase your intent, It is me, a man of value, worth, and that respects you, It is me, a man who seeks your love, and mind, It is me, a man who has no wishes to feel the sublime, the warmth, the long legged goddess within you, It is me, a simple man who only wants to date you, And I, my lie, It is me, a girl, I don't see a future with you, It is me, a girl, no trust me I don't like you, I don't want a relationship, It is me, a girl, I question does he like me, It is me, a girl, play the game of the one who follows, Lead if you dare but you will go astray, Because it is me a girl, and the boys just want to play, He must fall in love with you without knowing it, Or else, aghast, he will walk away, What a sad tale, you fell into the trap once more, Wallow in self pity for weeks, or just a day, Outside you stand joining the rounds again, "Hello my name is insert your name here." They shake your hand. "Hello my name is insert their name here." Repeat the above, change his name. He has the same hair color. Green eyes not blue. Strong hands, with callouses. Not like the previous one. Hope for the best. Good luck. And if it doesn't work, there's always. "Hello my name is insert your name here." They shake your hand. "Hello my name is insert their name here." Repeat the above. This time you write a sappy love song. He plays piano. You sing together. He doesn't care for Ethiopian coffee. He buys local. He has brown hair. A beard. There's something wrong with him. You think this as he lays with both arms hugging you tight. You look up from under his chin. You can still feel the warmth of him inside of you. He sleeps soundly. They can always do that can't they. Sleep so soundly as you capture every moment with them. You don't trust that one day it might not end. He rubs your hand, your arms, your hair, with his thumb. You love this. This means he must like you. He kisses you in the dark and in the light. He touches you in a way you say no one has before. Repeat. "Hello my name is insert your name here." They shake your hand. "Hello my name is insert his name here." You look down at your phone. No buzz. You check Instagram. No double tap. You look at activity. No activity. You can't even be mad he liked another girls picture you guys are over. He said you had trust issues. You said he wasn't right. You were sorry. It really just wasn't working. How could you trust someone who didn't text you back until the end of the night. What if he didn't feel the same for you as you did for him? He was at work all day, you rationed. He was the first person who got past the game. The pretty promises, the impressive adjectives, your extensive collection of different knives, your wealth of geographical knowledge. He got to the marrow so you made him leave. The boy who is shaking your hand waves to get your attention. His favorite color is blue. Almost all of their favorite colors are blue. Not the one before this boy. He was different it was red. He wore red plaid like a true bearded lumber jack. This one would love to take you to the ballet. You say you'd love to go. You hate the ballet. You go to the ballet. The ballet is terrible. Beautiful, but silently killing you. You smile politely and when the kiss feels wrong you invite him in anyway. You want to make the lumberjack pay. See what you can do now. You can have someone else. Anyone you want. You want to erase the memory of his taste. You want to feel a new body within you. Forget the one you called home. "Hello I'm insert your name here." They shake your hand. "Hello I'm insert their name here." She winks at you from across the bar. You still regret the last one. It was a bit too soon. A bit too rushed. You order her a drink. You drink too much. Things are a bit foggy. You end up in the bathroom. She makes you sing when she drops to her knees. People bang on the door annoyed. You don't care. Her tongue twists roller coaster rides across your body. You let her stay for a while. When she grows too attached you tell her it just won't work. You look down at your phone as you say this. No text from the lumber jack. "Hello I'm insert your name here." They shake your hand. "Hello I'm..." You leave. Your friends are trying to cheer you up. You type the message. "Hello." It reads. "I'm sorry." You hit send.

#poetry #poet #writing #womenspoetry #aboutaboy

I see a lot of posts that say, "Girls will love you and they will be jealous, and text you asking who you're with," "If you break up with him and he shows up at your house he's a keeper," "If she hits you and stars acting crazy you know she feels some type of way for you." The list goes on. I don't understand the need to put crazy, jealous, erratic, and abusive behavior on a pedestal. If your definition of love are these behaviors not only have you not experienced love, but instead co dependency and an abusive relationship, you are also in need of a NEW definition of love. It isn't cute to be crazy. It isn't cute to hit people. It isn't cute to show up at people house after breaking up with them. It isn't cute to ask where someone is five hundred times. IT ISN'T CUTE. STOP MAKING THESE DISPLAYS OF DISORDERED THINKING OUT TO BE ROMANTIC. It's not romantic, and if your s.o is doing these things you need to identify it and understand that they're on the crazy train, don't hop on with them. Seriously get off at the next station because that train will absolutely never change. #rantover #abuseaintromantic

thingstolovefor

andrewskis

deeplifequotes

Sometimes you just need to relax and trust that things will work out. Let go a little and let life happen.

Unknown (via deeplifequotes)

rapevictimsdiary-blog

I closed my legs The people who had been inside them had been so wrong I feared I would fall for that salesman speech I no longer trusted my gut instinct When I looked at you and saw you wouldn’t hurt me When I looked at you and saw how much you liked me What I looked at was my thighs Soft, pale, slipping Why don’t you open them? You asked me Because a few before you did not ask me They forced them open and made a home there Buried their way into my skin Kissed my lips and neck even though I declined consent I wished to erase their scent The ones that asked used me up They thought my waters were replenishing but like the mother they would soon dry up I told them I wasn’t in the mood I told them I didn’t want to They begged They cried They pleaded I sighed Looked down at my thighs I let them in despite my internal cries Thundering Booming Clapping Yelling invader I didn’t listen I decided after all the abuse I would begin to listen But how hard it is to decipher the voice of reason after silencing it for so long The differentiation between what is love and want so hard to hear There you were In between my thighs I looked at you, never asking, a no pressure guarantee resounding from your lips Waiting, never asking me to go through the trauma of sex, One question remained for you, one no one has ever asked: “What happened to you?” My stomach in my throat pressing into my heart My eyes filled with tears I felt the weight, but did not know if I should let it lift Fearful if I gave you this gift of trust You might soon hate it I was raped I told you Three times before Raped I told you You didn’t close the door Kissed my lips Which I’ll admit was not what I wanted But it was all you could think to do At a loss for words you filled the space with your body Against mine it wrapped as you held me close And promised to wait Until I felt comfortable

rapevictimsdiary-blog

The boy I wrote this about stopped talking to me two months ago. Today we started talking again I haven't loved anyone like I loved him since my first ever boyfriend. This boys love was mature the first boyfriends childish. I want him back. I want him to hold me. It's okay if it doesn't work but I want it to work. Please God let it work.

I'd like to tell you about why I started doing Jiu Jitsu. I got tired of being raped. When I was sixteen years old my sisters boyfriend (who was 21) pinned me down and assaulted me. I spent two years fighting panic attacks, the fear of anyone touching me, and PTSD. I tried very hard to disappear. I was already 180lbs and over weight, over the course of the next year I would hit 213lbs. This was my way of becoming invisible. I began to lose weight the summer before my junior year of high school. When I came back to school I started to date a guy who did Jiu Jitsu. He knew what had happened to me and had encouraged me to join Jiu Jitsu. I felt that if I broke up with him and enjoyed Jiu Jitsu I would stop doing the sport altogether. I told him I wasn't interested when secretly I was. We broke up and time passed by. I forgot all about it. I didn't really understand what it was. I didn't understand Jiu Jitsu is not an it, it's alive. The second time I was raped I was nineteen. He told me all about how he was a wrestler in high school and stronger than me. He was older than me as well causing a shifted power dynamic. The first time we had sex I wanted to. The second time we had sex he wanted to and I didn't. It rendered me helpless and immobile. He said, "If you keep pushing your knees into me then I can't have sex with you." But I hadn't wanted to have sex with him in the first place. I was nineteen years old the next time I was raped, although it confuses me. I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time, when I told him to stop. He didn't listen to me. I told him again, "No. Stop." I hit him so he would listen. Later he would tell me he didn't hear me. This very same boyfriend later became extremely verbally abusive. He often called me fat, said nobody would want me besides him, I wasn't pretty, amongst other things. He a drunk, and I took his keys from him so he wouldn't drive. He hit me on the back of the head three times and said, "What does that scare you? Do I scare you?" He proceeded to knock me to the floor and pin both my arms down. As he straddled me I thought about my first ever boyfriend. How he had told me to do Jiu Jitsu. How if I knew Jiu Jitsu I wouldn't be incapacitated. How if I knew Jiu Jitsu I wouldn't be afraid this crazed lunatic might try to kill me. Instead I told him where he keys were and he got off of me. My story is not uncommon, although I decided to change its ending. I was in New York visiting my now Ex Boyfriend when that happened. The day after I got back I started training Jiu Jitsu. We cannot properly respond to these situations unless we train the responses to them. I realized I had always been in these situations but not been able to respond adequately and feared for my life. When something falls off of a table we catch it without thinking. However when someone threatens your life you sometimes freeze. Jiu Jitsu unfroze me. It helped me work through my issues with assault and put me in a position of power. Suddenly I had men between my legs and it was terrifying. Then I was taught what to do and how to attack. When I was nineteen, someone TRIED to sexually assault me. The only difference now, was that I had my Jiu Jitsu. A Jiu Jitsu that gave me a voice, a firm commanding tone. An understanding that I couldn't be bullied anymore. That I got over being bullied a long time ago. It has enabled me to never worry about the consequences of saying no. I was at a guys house who I considered to be a friend. He had caressed my back as we were walking and made me feel uncomfortable. I pulled away from his touch and told him, "Please don't do that." He said, "Oh you don't like that?" "I don't like it." I told him. He was surprised I had been straight forward but regained composure. We proceeded to eat food at his place and he tried to hold me hand. I pulled my hand from his and said, "I need you to stop touching me, if you keep touching me I'm going to leave." "I get it I'm sorry." He said and raised his hands up in apology. I sat on one end of his couch to eat and watch TV, and he sat on the other. He moved closer to me and told me he really wanted to cuddle. I told him I did not want to cuddle. He begged me, "Please can we cuddle. Please." I told him no we could not. Eventually he annoyed me so much I said fine. He cozied his head to my shoulder and as I sat there in turmoil and disgust I decided I was not cool with this situation in any way. One thousand of my no's meant nothing to him, but one of my yes' was a go ahead? This is when he proceeded to get on top of me and kiss my neck. The difference from every other situation of sexual assault I've been in was transparent. I was cognitive because I experienced no fear, and I instinctually knew what to do because I had trained this scenario over and over and over again. It was as instinctual as catching something that was falling. My feet moved to his hips. He had no idea my response was not well intended. Then I drove my feet into him as hard as I could and shot him across the couch. This suddenly broke through his consciousness. He looked at me shaken, and only then realizing no I didn't want to. No I wouldn't. That no, suddenly made sense to him. Only the no with force. Not the no with my body when I moved from his touch. Not the verbal no. Only the violent one. I told this story to a friend who also does Jiu Jitsu and he shook his head and said these words. Words I had never though about. "What if I you had been a quiet girl? He would have raped you." I proceeded to leave after this, he begged me to stay and told me he would sleep on the couch and I could sleep in his room. I told the same Jiu Jitsu friend this, to which his response was. "He wouldn't have sleep on the couch." I hadn't even thought of that. Since learning Jiu Jitsu I have had to use it three times, all against men. Never in a fight. I have men in my studio who have been training for years and never used Jiu Jitsu. Jiu Jitsu completely changed my life. It changed how I think, and approach problems. It changed how I communicated when people want to argue. It taught me most importantly to walk away and to know that I don't have to prove myself. It humbled me and constantly challenges me. Most importantly it was the final piece of the puzzle that saved me from PTSD. It gave me back my voice, myself, and enabled me to never be assaulted, bullied, or harassed again. Jiu Jitsu gave me my power back.

diamamamia

when you’re 34 and need to feed your two sons at home so you have to try to be relevant to the youth to get attention to be able to pay the rent

slaveney

when you’re a 34 year old mother of two and no longer have to worry about being “relevant to the youth” or getting their “attention” because you’ve already amassed a fortune of $395+ million and on top of that you’re also the c.e.o. of your own billion dollar empire who also gets paid close to $500k a night for your hour and a half performance at your wildly successful Vegas residency

summers-in-hollywood

Ingrid Bergman in Italy, 1952

twitterlols

do u ever just wonder how another person’s brain works

rallyforbernie

What does it say about our values when we slander someone for speaking freely against discrimination? In the midst of all that, the #VeteransForKaepernick hashtag is a thankful breath of sanity.

We lay there and we loved each other, And then you let me go, That’s okay, I’d rather have someone who loves me now, Than someone who realized how much they loved me later