days after rushed apologies and a littered excuse for a separation, after tear ducts begged for a break, his mind raced and tried to recall every lecture the male had attended in the four years of college. he had lost count on how many psychology powerpoints he memorized, notes he rewrote multiple times, terms he engraved into his head but, his brain couldn’t come up with one logical reason for the break up. it would be easier if he could blame it on insecurity, trust issues, a cheating scandal, some issue that planted itself in the girl — that he could work towards watering and watch it bloom safely around his heart, but it never came. the man went as far as to point his finger at fate, tried to argue that maybe it was destined, that the two never worked together and he could have made himself believe it, throw it away on the fact that they tried in the first place. but that wasn’t enough for him. the blonde was known for his perseverance, for working against any obstacle because trying was never enough, not when he knew he could do better. when he was ten, head full of soft black curls bounced as he ran across the soccer field, chest rising and falling quickly as he regained his breaths. he was good, but he wasn’t the best, and trying out, making the team wasn’t enough for him. when he was fourteen, head full of recently dyed silver curls leaped as he ran against the track field, chest rising and falling quickly as his heart pounded threatening to break out. he was good, but he wasn’t the best, and for the next eight years he worked towards it. when he was eighteen, head full of flat blonde curls whipped as he caught eyes with a random blonde girl at starbucks, palms sweating and heart racing in his ears. that afternoon, as he jumped into the empty seat in the cafeteria high off the encounter, he had told his friends it was fate. his friends had laughed, rolled their eyes, because the blonde was never serious about partners, but as soon as mumbled promises to try to obtain the girl flew out his mouth, the laughs paused and worried glances were exchanged with warnings of not hurting the mutual friend they shared. everyone knew trying wasn’t in his vocabulary, because try meant doing, and doing meant it was going to happen. as he stood before the same girl who still managed to have his heart hammer against his ribs, he didn’t feel like trying, he felt worn down and exhausted as if he just finished the longest meet of his life. his ears don’t miss the way her breath hitched in her throat, an eyebrow raised in question, before he feels his muscles tensing against the newly sported bruise that rested on his face. “romina,” he mimicks, “no,” he tried to put force into his words, a threat to not dive into deep waters but the two couple was never good with ultimatums. it was silent, just stares passing between them, like one was daring the other to speak. he wanted to. he had five million questions racing through his mind. (why? why wasn’t i enough? what did he do that i couldn’t? was he better? do you love him?) the questions lingered at the tip of his tongue but with a thick swallow, they were pushed back. he took her silence as a way out of the conversation, a nod of his head sent her way before he attempted to brush past her and begin to leave the area. words rush out, the way a saint would confess to the priest, the words enough to glue his feet to the ground, breath stuck in his throat. “don’t,” he chokes, an instant regret flooding through him as he catches the way the order comes out ragged. his body commands him to force his eyes shut, to try to block out the knife digging into his heart, but he forces himself to look at her. memories of the two dancing around each other, ignoring each other, forgetting each other floods back as she speaks about the first month into the trip. “don’t put this on me,” he scoffs, fist clenching at his side and he knew if he didn’t calm himself blood would trickle down from where his fingernails clawed. “i was sad too, i didn’t lift that weight sleeping with one of our best friends,” he interrupts once again, tongue licking over the front row of his teeth before poking at the side of his mouth as he listens, eyebrows furrowed. his teeth catch his bottom lip, “that was like two months after we broke up. after we called off a fucking engagement,” he recalls, if he had his math right. “no, you’re right, it isn’t okay and it isn’t justified,” he nods his head at her words, not caring if it was harsh because he knew it wasn’t uncalled for. “but you don’t know who you hurt,” brown hues throw daggers her way, “i don’t give a fuck about my feelings here. you hurt teagan, jude, and even kaia’s dumbass who has her head so far up her ass that she goes out of her way to ruin every relationship she is in. even graham, who has the same self destructive tendencies, who i fucking beat the shit out of. you should go check on him.” the male has never been at thinking before he speaks, he had a sharp tongue and a slick mouth and in any other case it would help. but not when he was dealing with his ex. his eyes look through her hers, he sees the sorry in them, the want to take it back, but late apologies have also never sat well with him. “what the fuck could be worse than this?” he bites out, jaw clenching, only heightening the pain he feels in the injured area.
it was almost comical now, how worried their friends had been about rhen breaking her heart, how worried romina had been about rhen breaking her heart. all this time he was the one painted with caution tape and masqueraded as a warning label when it should have been the opposite. she was the one who had ended up breaking his heart, and it seemed even now she had no idea how to stop. she wanted so badly to blame it on her parents. to say destruction was a habit she had inherited, one they had taught her how to use. she wanted so badly to pretend that was true. she wanted so badly to blame it on timelines, to tell him that maybe he had just found her in the wrong universe. but romina knew neither of those options were fair, or true, because they were easy ways out. she could really only blame herself. she flinches at his words, the harshness of them striking her, real as any fist. romina’s taken aback by how foreign they sound, how foreign everything about his anger was because it was directed at her. whenever they had gotten into fights when they had been together, they were usually fleeting. it used to be impossible for the couple to stay mad at each other for long. after they had split up, that mentality had been tested, but even then it had been petty words thrown around in the group chat or long periods of silence. this was so much more real, raw and terrifying in a way that made her want to disappear. “ i know you didn’t, ” romina manages to choke, wishing she could shrink her tall frame into something smaller. “ i’m sorry. —god, i’m sorry. ” she says it anyway, despite the fact that he’d told her he wouldn’t care if she apologized, despite the fact that those two words were never enough and everyone knew it. “ you don’t know how much i wish i could take it back, rhen, you can’t know. ” every word feels more useless than the last, every attempt more futile. but romina had no idea how else she was supposed to express the regret sitting heavy on her chest, or the remorse making it harder and harder to breathe. she had no idea what to do with the guilt over hurting him except try. that was all she seemed capable of doing— desperately trying, like someone grasping at the dirt before slipping off a cliff. that’s what it felt like, listening to the boy she loved just as much as she had before the first time she had ever broken his heart be so cold. it felt like she was slipping off a cliff, plunging deep into a darkness she wanted nothing to do with, not when she could still remember every loving word he had ever delivered to her. “ that’s not fair. ” romina was shaking her head, hurt seeping deep with every word. “ you don’t get to do that. you don’t get to make me feel like this is all my fault. ” she looks at him, eyes watering in frustration and sadness, expression more telling than she would have liked but romina was past being able to control it. “ i hurt you. and i hurt teagan, and i hurt jude — but i never hurt graham or kaia. you don’t get to tell me that. you don’t get to say i did, like this was all my bad idea. you don’t get to put that on me, not when there’s more than enough there already. ” she ends with something dangerously close to a sob, voice shaking. romina had no idea if he’d meant it when he said she had hurt graham and kaia, or if maybe somehow he was right, but something about the possibility had been enough to coax the tears from her eyes so she had to bring up a hand and swipe them away as quick as they had fallen. “ you’re right. i slept with someone two months after we called off an engagement. ” she hates how pathetic she sounds, how pathetic she must look, but most of all how pathetic she feels standing there crying in front of him. “ but i don’t understand. i don’t understand why that matters to you, past the fact of who it was i slept with. i don’t understand why it matters that i slept with someone else when you’re the one that left. ” romina was looking straight at him, eyes round and helpless like some trapped animal, desperate for something she could make sense of. “ —did you still love me ? ” she asks, voice cracking. she could still remember that night in dubai, and the way his body had fit against hers for the first time in months, and how right it had all felt. she could still remember the words he’d murmured against her skin and in between kisses.“ do you still love me ? ” romina’s not sure she could handle the answer, not with the anger in his gaze when he looks at her, his hurt an open wound so visible she’s dizzy. “ you’re wondering what could be worse than this. i’ll tell you, ” she's speaking between choppy breathes, cheeks wet and salty, tears streaming faster than she was able to wipe them.“ i can take this. i can handle you mad at me. i can take yelling, i can take the harsh words. i can handle you hating me forever, no matter how much it would break my heart. but never talking to you again— i can’t. i can’t do that. that’s worse, rhen, that’s so much worse. please don’t do that. you don’t have to forgive me. you don’t have to love me. but please don’t disappear. ”
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