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NASCAR Announces They’re Spraying Fans for Insects, Not COVID-19

NASCAR Announces They’re Spraying Fans for Insects, Not COVID-19

(DAYTONA BEACH, Fla.)—NASCAR has been known for its less-than-popular decisions among its drivers, and a rocky relationship with its fans as of late.

But don’t think that’s going to stop the stockcar racing conglomerate from making quick changes in the face of criticism.

“It had to be done. We’re seeing numbers from a Japanese boring beetle that should make everyone uneasy,” said a NASCAR…

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Mike Krzyzewski Promises to Yell at “Everyone in the Arena” Ahead of Boston College Game

Mike Krzyzewski Promises to Yell at “Everyone in the Arena” Ahead of Boston College Game

(DURHAM, N.C) – Duke Blue Devils men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski came under scrutiny for his recent reaction toward the team’s student section. But don’t think that this recent incident has turned Coach K into a softy.

“I’m really going to turn up the heat,” Krzyzewski told The Beetat an illegal dog fight in the Hyde Park area of Boston, prior to the Blue Devils’ matchup with the Boston…

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NCAA to Expand March Madness Basketball Tournament to 256 Teams

NCAA to Expand March Madness Basketball Tournament to 256 Teams

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind.—With expansion being a hot topic for several years now, the NCAA decided to make a move they believe is something that was “bound to happen in the future.”

“We’re pleased to announce a level of inclusion that will see dollars go straight to our bank accounts in Bahrain,” NCAA President Mark Emmert told The Beetat a truck stop in on the outside of town. “That’s a lot of teams…

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Rapid Reaction: LSU’s Joe Burrow to Play With Ruptured Spleen, Broken Skull

Rapid Reaction: LSU’s Joe Burrow to Play With Ruptured Spleen, Broken Skull

NEW ORLEANS, La.—LSU Tigers quarterback Joe Burrow had some noticeable trouble, but The Beet has learned that his injuries are slightly more enumerated.

“He’s actually wearing dentures right now, they got ahold of him pretty good,” said an LSU team doctor who wished to remain anonymous. “They ruptured his spleen, broke a part of his skull pretty good, but Joe is a competitor so he’s read to go…

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Rapid Reaction: Trevor Lawrence’s Hair Loses Integrity in First Half

Rapid Reaction: Trevor Lawrence’s Hair Loses Integrity in First Half

NEW ORLEANS, La.—Clemson Tigers star quarterback Trevor Lawrence is frustrated with giving up a lead, but the worst news was delivered via his publicist who was informed by his stylist.

“It nearly looks like Trevor is using a wax-based conditioner, I don’t know what he’s thinking,” said Lawrence’s stylist who wished not to be identified. “This goes against everything we’ve worked on,” he said…

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Kansas City Chiefs to Scan All Ticket Holders for Bad Luck

Kansas City Chiefs to Scan All Ticket Holders for Bad Luck

KANSAS CITY, Mo.—Kansas City Chiefs fans don’t have to worry about the bad luck bug striking before next week’s AFC Championship Game, as the team appears to be taking a proactive approach towards superstitious threats.

“We’re going to have added security of course,” said Kansas City Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt. “But our main focus after Sunday is making sure we’re protecting our team from any type…

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Astros GM and Manager Awarded One-Year Vacation for Cheating

Astros GM and Manager Awarded One-Year Vacation for Cheating

HOUSTON, Tex— Houston Astros General Manager Jeff Luhnow and coach A.J. Hinch might normally be trudging through the typical off-season motions that are associated with their responsibilities, but that all changed for them on Monday.

“I still can’t believe it,” Hinch said. “One year vacation? We’re still World Series Champions. I can’t wait to tell people all over the world that we are still…

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Nick Saban Starts Recruiting Michigan Prospects During Citrus Bowl

Nick Saban Starts Recruiting Michigan Prospects During Citrus Bowl

Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban usually starts his recruiting activities quickly after the season ends, but this year it appears Saban is getting started even earlier.

“He wants to set up these satellite camps in Alabama,” Saban said of Michigan Wolverines coach Jim Harbaugh. “Cool. No problem. But out of the group they invited to the game, we feel like we’re going to hit our goal of…

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Lynn Bowden Gets Ten KO’s Prior to Belk Bowl, Ready for IBF Title Match​

Lynn Bowden Gets Ten KO’s Prior to Belk Bowl, Ready for IBF Title Match​

(CHARLOTTE, N.C.) – Kentucky Wildcats all-purpose man Lynn Bowden got a little scrappy with the Virginia Tech Hokies prior to the Belk Bowl on Tuesday.

Emotions boiled over when Bowden punched several players, fans and mascots just outside of the window where he could have been ejected from the game for doing so.

“I don’t care who they throw at me,” Bowden told The Beetwhile on the bench…

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“Yuuup!” EA Sports to Make ‘2020 Curling’ Game with Jared Allen as Cover Athlete

(Stevens Point, Wisc.) – Former NFL star Jared Allen may not ever make the cover of Madden, but he secured the top honor in the world of curling by being named to the cover of EA Sports’ inaugural curling video game, Curling 2021 on Monday night.

The United States Curling Association voted unanimously to sponsor the game, paving the way for fans to get familiar with actual curling athletes,…

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Cardinals Josh Shaw to Turn Up NFL and Recreational Gambling

Cardinals Josh Shaw to Turn Up NFL and Recreational Gambling

(Tempe, AZ) – Cardinals cornerback Josh Shaw may have been found in violation of the league’s gambling policy, but don’t plan on that stopping his love of the hustle anytime soon.

“Imma throw down bones, duckets, scrilla, and you can bet I’ll win the same,” Shaw told The Beet in a special interview outside of the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. “I’m ready to take a bet anywhere, anytime.”

Sha…

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Nevada Wolfpack to Have UFO Flyover to Finish Season Against UNLV

Nevada Wolfpack to Have UFO Flyover to Finish Season Against UNLV

Some might say that the Nevada Wolfpack are perhaps embracing too much of a social stereotype, but that won’t stop a scheduled UFO flyover from happening over Mackay Stadium this Saturday.

“It’s something I think our fans and alumni deserve,” said a passionate Jay Norvell following an alumni luncheon. “We know they’re there, get ‘em out, get ‘em flying and maybe it’ll throw some intimidation…

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MSU to Build Statue of Elijah Moore Pissing Away Rebels Hopes With Statue

MSU to Build Statue of Elijah Moore Pissing Away Rebels Hopes With Statue

(Starkville, MISS.) – The Mississippi State Bulldogs announced on Friday that they would commemorate the ending of the 2019 Egg Bowl with a statue of Elijah Moore that will adorn the lawn outside of Davis Wade Stadium.

“The real irony is that as a member of the Ole Miss team, [Moore] pretended to be a dog, and really held his shoulders like a Bulldog,” Mississippi State Director of Athletics…

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NCAA Brings Out The Undertaker to Make Mizzou Appeal Announcement

NCAA Brings Out The Undertaker to Make Mizzou Appeal Announcement

(Indianapolis, IND.) – In a move that the NCAA defended as “completely necessary,” and “in no way associated with the hilarious tone of the penalties,” the NCAA brought out The Undertaker before Thanksgiving to help make the announcement regarding Mizzou’s Infractions appeal.

“We really just wanted to take a dump on the Mizzou fanbase before the holidays, and I think we nailed it,” NCAA…

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John Madden Claims to be Haunted by Every Turducken He’s Ever Eaten

John Madden Claims to be Haunted by Every Turducken He’s Ever Eaten

Celebrity good-guy John Madden gave some enthralling revelations prior to an NFL event recently.

“They see me in my dreams, on other people’s faces. I was watching the Hall-of-Fame Game and it was an offensive line of angry birds,” Madden told a group of media including The Beet. “They want revenge.”

Madden was asked about how many Turduckens he’s eaten in his lifetime.

“It’s not even…

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Bill Self Furious Snoop Dogg Left Him No Weed as Promised

Bill Self Furious Snoop Dogg Left Him No Weed as Promised

(LAWRENCE, Kan.) University of Kansas basketball coach Bill Self had the public relations nightmare to deal with this past Friday night. And just when you thought that was the end, it’s taken a predictable turn at this point.

“It’s cool. I mean I only cried to him about my childhood on the phone, it’s not like we’re close or anything,” Self told a confused group of people sitting at a bar in…

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Will Muschamp to Disclose Every Scripted Play Before Kentucky Game Next Season

Will Muschamp to Disclose Every Scripted Play Before Kentucky Game Next Season

(COLUMBIA, S. Car.) South Carolina Gamecocks football coach Will Muschamp had great success telling Cole Cubelic of SEC Network what he was going to do as soon as the half resumed this past Saturday. The success was viewed as so good by Muschamp that during his weekly staff meeting, the decision was made to approach Kentucky like this in general from now on.

“We’re going to set out a solid…

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