Foster Parents Speak Out About Why They Support Reunification
Second chances.
Unconditional love and second chances usually go hand-in-hand with parenting. It takes patience and compassion to forgive time and time again; but what if it’s the parent who needs the second chance?
When removed from their biological families and placed into foster care, many children are left feeling unloved and unsure about their next stages in life. Sometimes, the biological parents are left with feelings of failure and guilt. This can hinder both parties’ ability to understand that reunification is not only possible, but it is ideal. Reunification is made possible with the right social support, parenting skills, emotional counseling, and financial assistance.
Undoubtedly, reunification can be difficult for some to understand – after all, why would you send a child back to a situation they were removed from? This common misconception can be deceiving, as the process is much more complex than most believe.
In Virginia, over 30 percent of foster children are reunified with their biological parents. Over 54 percent are placed with a family member, parental or otherwise, making reunification the most common outcome of fostering. While the average adoption takes 31.5 months, it takes an average of 11.4 months for a child in foster care to be reunified with their birth families.
Foster parent Angela Barber shares her experience with reunification, as three of her foster children were reunified with their original families.
“We always plan for reunification,” Barber said. “Children deserve permanence – if there is a birth family that is capable and willing, they should be given the chance.”
Children are removed from their homes for a variety of reasons, with the number one reason being neglect. The reality is that, at the time, many parents are unable to care for their children because they lack the emotional/mental or physical resources to properly care for their children. In some cases, those same parents become ready and willing to retry their lifelong commitment to their children.
While some find it difficult to empathize with these parents, many, such as Jennifer Thompson, a foster parent of over 24 children, understand the positive outcomes of reunification. “They (biological families) may not have had the support system others have been blessed with,” said Thompson. “I have seen a family be restored through reunification because they were equipped with the knowledge and support of (foster parents) believing in them and their children. Foster parents who build relationships with biological parents can do just that!”
In Barber’s case, her family extends contact with biological families in an effort to provide mentoring support and help ease the transition from foster care to reunification.
In one instance, “She (birth parent) would come to our house and interact with her child, then join us on family outings, then she would get to keep her child at her house for a few hours, then overnights until she was granted placement,” Barber said. “The truth is; everybody makes mistakes. If it were me, I would want a chance to make it right, too.”
Reunification goes beyond simply giving parents a second chance. Research indicates that achieving timely reunification while preventing reentry into foster care has many benefits – not only for children and families, but also for communities and human services systems. While many factors impact if and when a child can be successfully reunified with his or her family, the preference for reunification is rooted in the idea that children do best when raised in safe, stable families and with their own biological parents whenever possible. The longer children spend in out-of-home care, the more challenging it can be to achieve permanency. Children who do not receive permanency and “age out” of foster care are more likely to experience homelessness, incarceration, economic instability, substance misuse, or poor educational outcomes.
As a foster mother, Thompson views reunification as a way to “We have the privilege of loving someone else’s child, so we have to remember that their parents love them too,” Thompson said. “I believe in second chances and am excited when I see a family be reunited again. It’s important to not only love the child, but love the family as well.”
Of the nearly 5000 foster children in Virginia, over half will inevitably return to their biological families, a victory for not only the state of Virginia, but for parents and children looking for a second chance to build the bond that makes strong families, and in turn, strong communities.
“Encouraging reunification helps families and communities know that the child welfare is not just concerned about the safety of children but that we also believe in helping families staying together,” Chauncey Strong, Foster Care and Adoption Supervisor for the Fairfax County Department of Family Services said. “When families come back together after coming apart, their efforts are worthy of recognition and celebration,” Strong said. “Stronger families make stronger communities and a better society.”
With just those words, foster mother Bonna Williamson started her lifelong commitment to fostering. Ten years ago, Williamson was approached by a social worker who came to her with a heart-rending story of a premature newborn baby girl, Myah, in need of a temporary place to call home.
“Bring her to us,” Williamson told the social worker – and within months, she and her family underwent a mission to help out any child in need, a mission that has led her to foster over 50 children over a ten year span.
“Our family just stepped up and did what I believe anyone should do,” Williamson said. “It’s impossible to say ‘no’ when that call comes to you (from a social worker) and you know there is a child in need on the other end of the line.”
Williamson has fostered infants to teenagers, some for merely hours and some for years. She attributes her lengthy and successful career as a foster mother to what she considers a somewhat unconventional approach to fostering.
“I guess tough love is what my family has had to show,” Williamson said. She further explains, “many foster parents think that showering kids who may not have had ‘enough’ with plenty of premature “I love you's’ and material things will make them feel loved, and that’s not necessarily true.”
Curfews and groundings, earning ‘privileges’, knowing how to say no -- as someone who considers herself more stringent than other foster parents, Williamson admits that the most rewarding part of fostering is having the children later recognize her dedication to them.
“Sitting in as a ‘mom’ at the graduation of a teen who probably wouldn’t have graduated otherwise, dressing them up for prom – rewarding moments as a foster parents are sometimes not felt until later,” Williamson said. “The letter you get in the mail several years after they leave that says, ‘thanks, I didn’t realize what you were trying to do at the time,’ is worth it.
While Williamson has fostered over 50 children, she has only adopted one; Myah. She is often asked why she has not permanently kept more of the children she hosts, to which she explains, “The thought process of ‘I could never do that (fostering) and then give the kids up’ is not always true,” she said. “We have to look at our homes as stepping stones in the life of a child sometimes. Our home might not be the ultimate placement for one reason or another but we can still play a part for that 'season' in their lives. That need for that child to move on does not mean failure on the part of the foster parents.”
While Williamson made what she calls “a very difficult, but necessary” decision to resign as a foster parent, last year, she wholeheartedly encourages those interested in the fostering process, even those with reservations, to reach out to their local DSS to learn more about how they can get involved.
“We have always presented our home as a “safe haven” for the children here,” Williamson said. “I put myself into every child, and while it takes a toll on you – it’s the toughest job you’ll ever love.”
Mother and Daughter Work To End Foster Care Misconceptions
Divorced, living alone and searching for her next career move, Teresa Carpentieri felt an overwhelming urge to give back to her hometown, Roanoke, Virginia. The idea was vague, but the will was there – and after brainstorming ways to get involved, Carpentieri decided to blend her love of children with her marketing experience to join a non-profit, Children’s Trust, which works towards the prevention of child abuse – a common cause of foster care placement in Virginia.
Working with Children’s Trust inspired her to host foster children of her own. In 2011, she cared for two girls, Zettiyanna and Symphony, a drastic change for Carpentieri who had two fully grown, adult sons.
Carpenteiri fostered the girls for two years, during which she helped the two adjust to home life, and they helped her understand the multifaceted world of being a foster parent.
“Caring for them (foster children) is not a one size fits all,” Carpentieri said. “It’s important to understand and evaluate their individual needs.”
Carpentieri went from being a foster mother to an adoptive parent the day she had to tell Symphony, now her daughter, that her mother’s parental rights had been terminated.
“It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do as a parent,” Carpentieri said. “She and I both cried – and in that moment, I asked her if she wanted to stay with me forever and let me be her second mom.”
The decision to adopt Symphony, Carpentieri said, was completely unexpected. “When I began fostering, my plan was not to adopt,” she said. “Little did I know at that time that Symphony would waltz into my life and become the daughter I had always wanted.”
As a child, Carpentieri explains, Symphony had faced severe neglect from her biological mother. At just 9 years old, Symphony was taking care of her three younger siblings – an experience that has not only matured her, but brought up her need for a sense of security.
“She’s so mature but she reminds me that she does not want to be an adult before she has to be. This school year, she just wanted to focus on her studies,” Carpentieri said.
Carpentieri explains how when she first adopted Symphony, she was able to give her something as simple as her own bedroom, a luxury Symphony had never experienced before. Today, Carpentieri and her daughter have a typical mother-daughter relationship.
“She’s a teen after all,” Carpentieri explains, “But one of the most rewarding moments of being a foster parent was when my daughter thanked me for being there for her on Mother’s Day.”
Since adopting Symphony, Carpentieri and her daughter work together to advocate for fostering and adoption, as well as educate others on the dangers of neglect. Symphony has even gone on to publicly speak about her experience with neglect and foster care on WDBJ7 News in Roanoke.
“My daughter and I are always ready to help others in the same situation,” Carpentieri said. “She (Symphony) likes to give new foster parents advice, she tells them not to expect the kids to come into their home happy to be out of their previous circumstances – they are going to be angry, confused and scared – but they just want to feel secure.”
Carpenteiri frequently speaks at Foster Parent Orientations, at which she attempts to dispel myths surrounding the foster care process, as well as provide new and potential foster parents with guidance on what to expect when hosting foster children.
“It’s crazy how when I got started, I just wanted to help kids and families,” Carpenteiri said. “I believe so strongly in the need to foster and adopt. It’s been such an important part of my life.”
Portsmouth Couple Have Welcomed 24 Children Into Their Home
It took only four days for Jennifer and Anthony Thompson to realize that their lives would forever be changed. In 2008, at only 4 days old, they fostered and then adopted a baby girl, Taylor. Taylor’s adoption inspired the Thompson family to become the foster parents of 24 children from all over the state over the course of eight years.
"Our family loved the idea of welcoming children into our home,” Jennifer said. "We have had children in our home for as few as a few hours to as long as a lifetime… I think that having children in your home is like having beautiful flowers -- there can never be too many.”
In efforts to build their family, the Thompsons called their local Department of Social Services, in Portsmouth, where they learned that over 400 children in Portsmouth alone were looking to be adopted. After completing the Parent Resources for Information Development and Education, or PRIDE, program, the couple received a certification to legally foster and adopt a child in the state of Virginia. Within the past eight years, the couple has not only welcomed 24 children into their home, but also adopted three of the children; Taylor, Alexander and Gideon.
Since then, the past eight years for the Thompsons have been filled with trips to Disney World, the beach and Gymboree. Jennifer has taken children on trips to the salon and to sporting events. Fostering two dozen children, Jennifer aspires to create a loving environment for every child who walks through her door.
"I want to create wonderful memories and relationships with these children that will last a lifetime,” she said. "Going into foster care, most children are initially so confused and frightened – we want to be their safe place. We’re able to give them (the children) the gift of love, and this is the most rewarding experience of foster parenting.”
Through the experience, the Thompsons have noted changes in nearly every child they welcomed through their door. "We can immediately notice the love in their eyes,” Jennifer said. "They just want to be cherished like you and me. I have watched these children go from shameful to confident, and it was love that did that.”
The Thompsons urge those with hesitations about fostering children to consider the importance of love and guidance in a child’s life. "There may be behaviors in some children that are less than desirable, but with the support of a foster family, those behaviors can change,” Jennifer said. "As foster parents, we have the unique opportunity to give them the gift of a loving family. They are not just foster children, they are our children.”
While the Thompsons have opened their home to many children, they believed the children have opened their hearts and their minds as parents.
"I am often told we are such a blessing to the children we foster. I often have to correct people – these precious children are the greatest blessing to us,” Jennifer said. "The most surprising thing about being a foster parent is you never knew you could love so much. We may have to set extra plates at the dinner table, but we adore these children and get so excited when we have another new child to cherish.”
The Thompsons proudly advocate for fostering and adoption, and often encourage members in the community to look into fostering or mentoring children in need.
"I grew up not really knowing anyone in foster care and not understanding the process at all," Jennifer admits. "There are so many ways to get involved in these children’s lives. I hope our story at least inspires others to learn more about foster care and adoption -- I can guarantee you there are never enough advocates for children in the foster care system. Just remember – to the world you might be one person, but to one person you might just be the world”
