Hello to everyone who still is following me (I seem to have managed to retain a fair amount of followers despite my inactivity). I wanted to come back here and make something of a closing post for this blog, simply because having it created such a huge impact on my life that it felt wrong to leave the way I did. I also figure it might help me collect my thoughts and feelings in regards to the period of my life in which I used this site as avidly as I once did.
More under the cut.
At the point of my departure it was nigh impossible for me to say or do anything on here without having bouts of anxiety and self-loathing. Everything I said was stupid, my art sucked, no one cared, the whole deal. Most of this was brought on the recent break up I had gone through, in which my viciously spiteful ex very thoroughly made me feel as though everyone we mutually knew online despised me for “what I did to him,” which was very damaging to me because everyone we mutually knew was almost everyone I talked to on here. Even if this wasn't the case and some of those who knew what happened still held respect or me, the anxiety that sent in was enough to take the wind out of my blogging sails, and really my ability to socialize online as a whole. On top of this I became obsessed with "fixing" myself because I felt as though I had to be "better than him," and as a result I shut out all of my depressive thoughts and felt intense shame when I would discuss my feelings (which isn't very conducive to being able to express yourself any way. Shutting out one thing like that easily shuts out other things and very strongly impacts your ability to emote as a whole)(And lets be really you don't just stop being depressed that's not how it works). I became disillusioned with Tumblr, and became increasingly aware of how empty my usage of it was. Not only was I accomplishing nothing with it, but it was controlling my thoughts. At this point Tumblr had become such a huge looming aspect of my life that I thought in terms of blog posts. I was desperate for attention and validation, I’d talk about anything, but then when I would say something I’d hate myself so much for it I’d delete it, or I would freeze up before I could make a post. It was ruining my ability to think and feel because everything became a post. Everything was a plea for attention, and I was always on center stage. It was very easy for me to get caught up in the “social contest” that was Tumblr. Who has more followers, how do I get more people to like my posts, etc. Being on this site for all the most vulnerable parts of my life caused me to become obsessed with it, and experiencing a relationship of such a magnitude as the one I had on here did not help with that.
Since leaving Tumblr, I have matured astronomically. Without the constant need to impress people online I was able to attain a deeper connection with myself. Of course, I still have much room to grow, but I’ve learned to face my problems and listen to my own advice, and I’ve dealt with a lot of issues from my past I never actually gave thought to, only vapidly whined about for the sake of attention. On top of this, I also handled my schooling situation which had plagued me for the past 3½ years (For those unaware I dropped out halfway through 9th grade and proceeded to do no school work up until I tested for my GED and applied or college. As one might imagine this caused a great deal of self-worth issues and hopelessness for my future, so it was a major step to get it sorted.). I got my GED, and right after that I applied to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle, WA, and got accepted. I am no longer the desperate and depressed person I used to be, I’ve learned to believe in myself, I’ve learned to face my problems and handle my feelings, and most importantly I’m moving on with my life. I’m going to be moving to Seattle, a city I adore, to study interior design, a subject love.
Despite all the things I’ve said I’m not ashamed of who I used to be or the things I’ve said and done with this bog. It was all part of the process of creating the person I am today, and I’m grateful for the knowledge I’ve attained thanks to the people I’ve known and the experiences I’ve had on here. I can’t say this is a wonderful site full of wonderful people, quite frankly I still really dislike it and think that it’s easy to go astray with how one uses this site and how they let it affect them, but it is what it is I suppose.
That being said I intend on coming back. Upon the event of one of my closest friends moving away I’ve realized I’m shit at holding a conversation via texting I’ll be leaving to college soon where I’ll know no one, and I don’t want to be alone. Also I have to admit I feel an intense aversion towards Skype and using it which, again, really doesn't help my case. I know I won’t be able to keep up with my real life friends in any other way, and I will want to have an outlet to help me handle what is to be my new life. While on one hand one needs to learn to let their thoughts flow and think freely, on the other it helps to have a platform to refine one’s thoughts and share them with others if desired. I enjoy discussing my thoughts and things that happen to me, so I believe if I simply moderate the manner in which I used this site it would be a good platform for that, on top of the fact that I really don’t want to fall out of touch with my friends in real life.
I can’t come back to this blog however, it doesn’t even feel like this is my blog anymore. It’s more like a relic of the person I used to be. I am not ashamed of it but I’ve no want of the memories I hold in relation to it. It’s linked to a time of my life that was mired with intense depression and loneliness, and I’ve moved away from it. With this move to Seattle I’m going to be starting a new life, and I want to go into it with as little baggage as possible.
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At any rate, I think that’s more or less all I wanted to say. I’ve been mulling this over in my head for some time now and it just feels like it’s about time I got it out. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask, I might outright delete this blog in a few days/weeks, but we’ll see how that goes. I have a new blog in the works but I’ve yet to start using it.
