Eli Goldsworthy

"Stupidity is a talent for misconception" - Edgar Allen Poe I'm Eli Goldsworthy, third year at camp, age 18.

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

I’m sorry you have to go through this. I really am. If I could I would have myself go through this rather than you.

[rebel-eli]

It would kill me to see you lying here like this. I'm happy you're not going through this. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

Oh that makes sense then…

[rebel-eli]

It does, but the tests suck. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

Do they know why you’re having these attacks? They sound really bad.

[rebel-eli]

No, that's why they were running the tests. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

Oh I wasn’t aware, are you okay? Yeah of course I will.

[rebel-eli]

Yea I'm fine. Apparently I had a really bad panic attack this afternoon because I woke up after a nap since they wanted me to sleep for tests, I with a tube shoved down my throat and took it out. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

At least they kind of know, you’re already at the hospital?! I really do love you, you know that right?

[rebel-eli]

Yea, an ambulance bought me this morning. I know, can you come see me tomorrow? 

[rebel-eli]

And my parents are coming home because they can't take the heat. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

You have to tell your parents eventually. They are going to notice at one point. Can I just tell them? Or something? It’d be better if your parents knew. I won’t go if you really don’t want me to though. I’ll try to not push you away anymore I’m sorry I was. I love you okay?

[rebel-eli]

They kind of know. They called when I was having a panic attack and the monitors started to beep really loud. I hung up on them and waited for a doctor to come in. You can come visit me if you want. I'm hooked up to wires. I love you too. 

[depression--confessionss]

[rebel-eli]

Same thing happens to me, my eyes burn, my throat hurts, I can't breathe, my hands go numb, my chest feels like it's caving in, I'm overwhelmed with pain throughout my chest, and I feel like I'm going to die. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

You aren’t too much to handle. I just have things going on. I wasn’t aware of any of this. I told you I’m here for you, I meant it. Really Bianca? I’m your girlfriend. You don’t even have to bribe me and I’d go. I told you I’m here and I am. I’m sorry I kind of pushed you away the last week or so I just don’t know what else to do. You aren’t a burden on me or your parents. Eli you have to tell your parents. Panic attacks can kill people? Now you definitely have to tell your parents.

[rebel-eli]

I only told you because you're my girlfriend and I love you. I know you have a lot going on and you need to stay with your brother that's why I'd bribe Bianca, Luke needs you more and I have a staff of trained doctors taking care of me, I'll be hooked up to machines, and probably have on an oxygen mask when I get an attack or I'm sleeping just like here. Luke doesn't have that. It's ok, but please stop pushing me away before it breaks us up, I don't want to lose you. I told them I'm fine. I'll reblog the picture for you so you can see how bad they get. I'm not telling them! 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

Eli why didn’t you tell me. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t know why you’re having panic attacks though. You could never ruin your parent’s plans. They love you and that wouldn’t ruin their plans if they were coming to help you. Maybe it’s a side effect to your meds? I don’t know. I’m sorry, I really am. You eventually are going to have to tell your parents. I love you too Eli.

[rebel-eli]

Because I feel like a burden or that I'm too much to handle. I used to get panic attacks all the time when finals came along from the stress, but they'd only last five minutes and I'd get them about three times a day. They're just getting worse. I looked through tags and saw someone mention their panic attacks were killing them slowly. I can't ask my parents or you to stay with me when they're this bad. I don't want to be alone and I know that if I bribe Bianca with alcohol she'd probably come visit depending on how much she wants it. 

[rebel-eli]

I don't want to be alone anymore. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

The hospital? For what? I thought they found the right meds and everything was okay…? I hope things get better for you to.

[rebel-eli]

The meds are working. I've been having panic attacks, I thought cuddling with you would help them, that's why I've been gone so often and didn't notice you were back. I'm not allowed to leave my cabin because they'd get so bad I'd have trouble breathing. I didn't tell my parents out of fear they'd come home and I'd ruin their plans. I'm just scared and don't want anyone to know about the attacks. They thought that it was because of the stitches and I had to get them changed twice. I love you, Becky. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

Eli stop worrying. I love you I told you this. I admit I have been busy but I had and have family things going on. I’m trying to keep everything under control and I’m not doing well. I’m sorry.

[rebel-eli]

I'm not doing well either. I think I'm going to have the doctors take me to the hospital like they wanted to do in the first place. I hope it gets better for you. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

I got back last night and slept all day. I woke up to a text from Luke saying he was sick. That’s my brother he has a wedding to attend to with Jenna so I’m trying to help him feel better enough to go for both their sake. I don’t want to break up. Unless you want to, you kind of sound like you want to.

[rebel-eli]

I know Luke is your bother, family comes first so I understand about that. You seem too busy for me is all. I do want to be with you, I love you. I just don't know if you still feel the same. I'm not going to see you tomorrow because I saw that you already made plans and I seem clingy now. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

What do you mean?

[rebel-eli]

I was hoping to spend time with you or that you'd come see me when you came back. If you want to break up, let me know?

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

You okay?

[rebel-eli]

Yea. I just don't know what I was expecting. 

[cara-here-deactivated20130803]

I’m back at camp by the way. I just have to give Luke some soup and medicine. I think I’m going to keep checking on him tonight. I miss you too.

[rebel-eli]

Ok.