I let go of the crown. I let go of it all @recaffeine - Tumblr Blog

June 3, 2026

Strength is not about one's ability to hold anger. Strength is having the ability to set it down, especially when it no longer serves you.

5/21/2026

These past few months I've felt quite lonely. There's been a big shift in my friend group. It was me, Anh, Alec and Victoria for years. I noticed that as time progressed, we naturally just grew apart. A part of me blames myself. There's so many factors that can play into it though. I want to give myself grace because I couldn't do so in the past as well. I still have the same worries, but I don't want it to dictate my reality. I am turning 33 in 9 days. I am transitioning. Into a fiance, into a husband. I just didn't think wedding planning would be so lonely. I imagined myself bouncing ideas between the boys and the COT (church of taeyeon with alec, anh and Victoria). None of that seems to have hpapened. I guess I'm just.. sad and disheartened by it all. Alec creating a lot of space has also really made me sad. I've accepted things now though. It's been a year since our drift. I think I can still be grateful for our friendship in the past and honor what is here currently in front of me. Anh has been such a great support for me this year. I'm so lucky to be marrying her. She's stuck with me through it all. Even though I played a role in breaking her ten year relationship. Even when I was struggling with my unresolved feelings with Kaitlin. She stuck with my imperfection. It's hard not to do self-audits on myself when I've done such things in the past. At some point though, I don't want to be hypervigilant forever. I want to be free. I want to write with freedom. I thought adderall would help me with emotional regulation. I thought maybe the reason that the COT grew apart was because I stopped taking adderall. I think I just wanted some form of control of my reality, but the truth is, the only control that I have is myself. I can control what drugs I take. I'm… gonna try to get off of it again. I think using it every now and then is fine. Afterall, it's just a tool. Sometimes, we do the wrong things for the right reasons. Sometimes, we do the right things for the wrong reason. I try my best to do better even though my shadow side gets in the way of things. Anh teaches me to be generous. She teaches me to be kind and loving without need anything in return. I love deeply, but I do yearn for reciprocity. I've been so focused on what I've lost that I don't have time to see what's right in front of me. There are other friendship opportunities if I just chose to water them. Instead, I spend time ruminating over past friendships. It keeps me in a perpetual cycle of loneliness. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of the self-sabotaging behavior. How much more years of therapy am I going to need? What if this never goes away? I'm okay with that. Life is a seesaw. If I am to apply hermatic principles into my life, it's to realize that things are going to go up and down and there's only so much I can do to stop it. I will stop it. I'm so bogged down by the minutiae of the past. I magnify my losses and it breeds resentment and hypervigilance towards my old friends. I want to have a good birthday with the wolfgang, but I do feel resistance in having them over. A part of me wants to invite the hotpot group that Anh and I hung out with. It was nice just.. being there. People are just talking a lot and I can just be. I'm just not sure if my hypervigelence is keeping me away from the wolfgang.. After all, they're my groomsmen. I do want to spend time with them.

5/11/2026

I will become a best selling writer. My writing will help others with their depression. I will be one of the greatest pharmacists in Lafayette Louisiana. People will remember me as a kind, optimistic, and hardworking pharmacist. I will be patient with my mom and continue to be a loving son. I will treat my father with love and perseverance. I will be an amazing father. I will be an amazing husband for Anh. I will be an amazing friend to the wolf gang. I will be there for Alec. I will be there for Tom. I will be there for Justin. I will be their best friend, and their brother. I will forgive Thomas and Victoria and Alec for their distancing. I will forgive myself for my flaws, my imperfections, and the difficult thought patterns that arise when I'm overwhelmed. I will find the right medication regimen to finally give me lasting peace of mind. I will sit with my sadness and my anxiety. I will be their friend. My wedding will be beautiful. It will be a day that I will adore for the rest of my life.

5/2/2026

I am just a person who shows up, even when it's difficult. I don't need a crown or a title anymore. I act with loyalty, accountability and responsibility. Shame is no longer useful to me. I build my life with Anh, Tom, Alec, Justin, and Dylan and my family. One day at a time, together.

4/6/2026

This entire time, I've been missing the entire point of my anger and my fear. It was to protect my family. My future family.. As I ate with Anh's family this Easter, I was given a moment of levity. I could breathe finally. My body was not tense and in danger. Is this how my anxiety must manifest now? I want to be the brave captain of my soul. Perhaps that's why I've been putting so much pressure on myself the past year and a half. Who am I if I fail? Would people still want to be around me? Would people still care about me? Of course they would. I want to be reliable though. I want to be competent. I want to be all these things. I have to let go of these attachments and just exist.

Because I was able to finally return to the present and just be yesterday. I saw Kaitlin. I saw Thomas. I saw the ghosts of my past. They're still there. Our relationship is just transformed now. But it's still there. I still care deeply about them. That's okay. I'm in a new era now. I will do my best to pave my legacy as a husband for Anh. Anh's family is my family now too. I want to be kinder to Ann. I want to protect her too.

I've said what I've had to say. Now, I need to be full support. I need to learn to unconditionally love like Anh.

1/2/2026

he church of taeyeon was a group that I held dear for the longest time. I knew how special it was going to be. I knew that one day it would end too. This is why I captured so many moments on my phone. This year was the final year of the "flame" per se. I'm sure that it will now transform into something less intense. We won't see each other all the time. We won't always be a big priority for each other anymore. Yet I still want to honor it more than anything. I'm no longer the leader of the group. How can I best honor it moving forward? How can I keep trying to create hangouts when they keep saying no? Anh and I got them christmas presents, but is it even worth exchanging? Did they get us anything? Is it even worth reaching out anymore? Should I even try? A part of me feels like I can handle it now. I can ask without the fear of rejection. Perhaps that will always be slightly present no matter what.

12/18/2025

Today I found out that I still hold onto the belief that love disappears when I stop earning it. The greatest light is not pure white. It is gray. It is steady and persevering independent of the light or dark that occurs on the outside. If I can find my gray, I can find gray in others too. That is true light. Healing won't be able convincing myself that "I am lovable" through affirmations. It is about slowly teaching my body that love can stay even when I fail. Love can stay even when I don't perform. Love can stay even when I rest.

11/9/2025

Kaitlin, I don't know if what we had was romantic love. I know that most likely in this lifetime, I will never really know. What we had was special though. I know it. There was a beautiful bond between us that I don't think anyone in this world can ever take away. You, me or anyone else really. I always thought that love was meant to be a burden. I held that core belief for a long time. That is why I grew resentment towards Thomas when he started to grow away from me. It is happening with Alec right now. Our bonds will have to wax and wane over time and even if we are not fated to connect again, our memories that we made were special. I miss and I do love you still. It's neither romantic or from a friendship level anymore either. It is something beyond. The road that was created from my choices these past 5 years have led me to be engaged to Anh. She is someone who completely accepts me as a whole. Even when I'm making the wrong turns or choosing the right path, she sticks by me. Though I believe I have lost so much in this lifetime, I've gained just as much too. I have the Wolfgang (Alex, Micah and Dylan), Tom and Anh to help get me through this current chapter. I won't hold onto old resentments from Victoria and Alec this time. This will be a new dawn to a better Tommy Tran.

Speaking of Tommy Tran, I want to apologize to my past self. You were a boy who hoped and dreamed. You were just a boy who wanted to share his feelings. Your heart did not deserve that pain. I'm sorry I kept triggering your abandonment wound. I'm sorry for keeping you away from Anh at times. I am sorry for hurting Anh's heart. I have been doing my best to make amends to the situation, for I will always believe in redemption. I will wear my failures and do my best to heal others and myself from them. One day, I know they will be light. There is so much darkness in this world. There is so much pain to come in the future. I will continue to highlight the good in my life. I will continue to be grateful that I am in a position to grow and learn from it. My light may diminish, but it will never extinguish. It will go on.

11/4/2025

The window pierces the apartment with rays of warmth. The couples mantra came from the greatest showman,"a space with things from miles away." The floor chairs are all strung out in the living room. Chairs meant for others to be around with. The light is a bit muted because of the angle of the home. I wish to inject it with more livelihood and laughter. Even so, there is a dim amber gold that lights the apartment. It reminds me of the love that I share with Anh. It is always present even in the darkest moments. A small piano from Costco rests in the corner of our living room, its once-glossy surface a bit dulled beneath a thin layer of dust. The keys remain compact in quiet alignment, wide enough to strike each note with ease, yet designed to fit in almost any apartment. Sheets of music linger on the stand above the piano keys, each piece individually protected by a clear plastic cover -- proof of Anh's gentle care. Though the house has not heard the piano's melody in weeks, the piano stand tall, a soft reminder of Anh's steady love for music.

The chairs around the living room sits by the balcony. Tiny specks of sunlight dance around the room. The Vietnamese coffee has a whiff of coconut. The cushions remain spick and span. They remain empty awaiting for friends to come home. The air is quiet but still filled with the laughter and conversation of two lovers who are recently engaged.

11/1/2025

Gratitude doesn't erase the pain of what I lost, but it does help remain optimistic for future friendships that I will develop. Right now, I am learning to let go of the past. By letting go of Adderall Tommy, Kaitlin and the conflict-averse Tommy of 2025, I will move into into a stronger Tommy Tran. I am grateful for my time with Alec, Victoria and Kaitlin. Perhaps somewhere down the line, I will cross paths with them again. For now though, I want to remain light-hearted. I will remain open-minded and curious about what the future will bring. I will take charge and create a the grand wedding for next year in my own way. I will assist Anh to the best of my ability. I will build friendships that span the decades.

10/30/2025

I have leveled up astronomically this year. I have conquered Adderall. I have let go of my desire to have Kaitlin in my life again. I have finally had my first heart-to-heart with Britany. Irregardless of where I am to go now, I will go with lightning in my heart.

10/15/2025

i've been going to therapy to feel my emotions to it's full extent. I have created systems without the need of adderall to increase my accuracy at the pharmacy. I am beginning my journey on creative writing to make something that can really help others on their own personal journey. IT'S GOAT TIME.

9/28/2025

No antidepressant will cleanse the anger in my heart

It is up to me to find the support for this battle

This battle was never about them

I need a new lens

One that can allow me to see the still clear of this blue lake

9/1/2025

The idea of friendships that span a lifetime still exists, but it is because we are able to respect that sometimes there will be times when we grow apart. That doesn't necessarily mean that the friendship has atrophied; on the contrary, it hasn’t. It is the friendships that allow the waxing and waning of time to occur that spell true friendship. Regardless of time, the bond will always be there.

8/21/2025

I want to keep supporting Alec. It's just been tough lately. I feel like he's been pushing me away so it hurts. I've been angry at him because of it. I got this 2 bedroom apartment for him to move in. Him not being able to move in really sucks. I don't fault him for that. What I do fault him for his how he has been dealing with it afterwards.

It is like he pushed away Anh and I. Maybe that's okay though. It is a good thing that he is branching out. He's been hanging out with his coworkers more and he's developing his own friends maybe. I do think he feels guilty and sad about the situation. I just don't like the way that he's been handling things. He claims that he is stronger. He claims that he is just chilling, but there is a deep undercurrent of sadness that I see within him. It is like he reverted back to his past self. The version of Alec before we formed the Church of Taeyeon. I do really hope he's doing okay.

I will do my best to give Alec a good 23rd birthday. After that, I gotta focus on me. I'm trying to make less mistakes at work. I'm trying to handle my growth as a Costco pharmacist with grace. The saving grace this year has been Anh. I am really enjoying the new chapter of our relationship. She is my fiance now and it does feel like our love blooms even deeper than before.

It is August and I think I have been able to reach a stopping point for pokemon cards. It has been a very expensive hobby, but I do feel like my love for pokemon cards have leveled finally. It was a lot of money that I spent this year on pokemon cards, but it was a really fun ride and I don't regret it at all. A part of me was afraid and I did feel tinges of guilt at times. I was afraid that I would be unable to stop. I was aware that this is probably what my dad feels when he goes to gamble. It is like you're always chasing the next high. Pokemon cards have a gambling aspect, but the sentimental value drew me in a lot too. Of course, it was a one-of-a-kind experience to pull the Sunbreon from Prismatic Evolutions. Yet, I do really love pokemon beyond just the gambling aspect of trading cards. I decided to switch to Pokemon games and wildly enough, I have been able to complete generations 1 through 9 as of this year. I think younger me would be proud that I made this pit-stop. I am not sure what will come of this year, but I will try my best to make the best out of it.

My journey towards getting off of adderall this year has been difficult. I am not as social and I do feel like I've been more depressed this year because of it. I told Dylan that with every low, a blazing rise will come once life equalizes again. Now that I've switched to wellbutrin, I feel a bit more hopeful without the extreme side effects of adderall. Each day, I am getting stronger mentally and physically. I've finally been able to be at 150 lbs. Once my mental strength fully returns, I will be prime Tommy Tran. From there, I will carve a beautiful destiny for 2026.

8/3/2025

I am not just light.

I am the dawn and the dusk of the sky I am every hour of the soul

I will not shun my shadow

I will teach him to sing.

7/14/2025

I had to put writing on hold for a while. I think what I need to do is just incorporate it into my every day being. I've been putting so much emphasis on being a great pharmacist for Costco. It's leading to the point of emotional burnout. I feel the anxiety when I pop into work for the first few minutes. Lately, I have been making less procedural mistakes. I'm more on point when it comes to blacking out the return to stock bottles. I've been making a point to make sure all the refrigerated items are on point. I made the same mistake that Britany did with having Estradiol being in mg instead of grams.

Writing for me has always been the antidote to my anxiety and depression. Yet, I have the most difficult time writing this year. I think I've just been so overwhelmed. I'm at the 6 month mark now. Isn't this enough? I've hyperfocused on being a Costco Pharmacist for a long time. Maybe, just maybe, if I can just take off the foot off of the pedal a little -- I can grow into an even more excellent pharmacist. I want my light to be strong again. I want to hope again.

I know the medication gives me more clarity. I just don't want my source of strength to come from a bottle. I don't want my hope to come from a pill. It does help though. I can't deny that.

I'm still trying to figure things out. Somewhere out there, is a future that I can balance when to take my medication and when I can just be me. I will get there. All it takes is just one step at a time. I trust the process.

Hope doesn’t come when you’ve done everything right. It comes when you start giving yourself permission to be whole.

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I let go of the crown. I let go of it all