Holiday One-Shot 🎁 #2/31(?)
Title: Secret Love Songs
Rated: M (no smut)
Pair: Angsty Kaixing
“When you hold me in the street…
When you kiss me on the dance floor.
Why can’t it be like that?
Why can’t we be like that?
I’m yours.”
“Secret love Song” - Little Mix
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There’s an all too familiar feeling in his chest - an ache. The same one he gets when he has to break their kisses behind stage. It’s the same one he works though when they have to play it safe. It’s never ending it seems.
That ache. The ache to run out and shout, “I’m in love with you” to anyone that will listen because… the silence is suffocating. Eating him alive as he sits and watches the best thing to ever happen to him tell the MC that his ideal type is all parts woman when, in reality, Yixing’s ideal type is the dancer not two seats away.
They’ve both known it since their first innocent kiss all those years ago. The nights then where endless, long hours of practice never became a burden. They were nothing but trainees with stars in their eyes and time to kill; or so, that’s how the world woked for them anyway. The first time Jongin had mustered up the courage to press his lips against the others wasn’t perfect - no first kiss ever is - but it was powerful. It lingered in the dance room, vibrated through the hard wood floor they’d been dancing on like maniacs not minutes before. It had taken his breath away.
He’d felt Yixings heart beat only for him - without restraints and as fast as jets. His chest heaving up and down like he’d run a mile, and cheeks stained a shade of red. Yixings slender hand reaching up to cup the side of his neck gently; holding Jongins gaze like if he let go he’d regret nothing more in his life.
Jongin could never forget.
And now? Yixing found it easy to kiss him breathless into the still of the night. That same beating heart shouted his name loud and clear, but it was silenced by a standard.
They were part of EXO - their dream was at stake. And so an ache formed. It formed in the pit of his chest, and twisted his gut, whenever Yixing had to hold anyone else. It thrived in him whenever Yixing had to watch Jongin try to love anyone else.
On and off screen they ached to tell people they loved the best person in the world - but to do so would come at a price. One they couldn’t pay. Not after all the years of dancing. Not after all the years of training. Not after having left everything behind to chase what they knew they would become. Not after the company found out. Especially not after the company found out.
Their manager had found them in the dressing room once. It’s hard to explain to an outsider looking in that the love of your life is doing what comes naturally when you’re part of an all male group.
They saw eachother less after that.
The ache grew so much then. It hurt so much then. Stolen moments were all they had for a long time after that. And then the company thought of a better way to hide them.
Jongin watched as the MC asked Yixing if he’d prepared anything for their audience; they were in China after all.
“I arranged something with Baekhyun to sing to you all today,” he said in Chinese. “It’s dedicated to someone, but it’s a secret, okay?”
Jongin hated how they had to hide. How the only person in the band that even knew about them was limited to three members: Suho, Baekhyun, and Kyungsoo. The company ordered Suho be told. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo found out because they were close to the couple in question. They never once vilified them for it. If only the company saw it that way. Because now he was the reason Yixing was singing a heart broken rendition of “Secret Love Song”.
“Why can’t you hold me in the streets?
Why cant you kiss me on the dance floor?”
The last night before their debut, Jongin had suggested they go out and spend the day at the mall. It had rained on the way back, and they’d missed the bus. Yixing had been cold, and Jongin had done what came naturally - he wrapped his arms around the shorter male and held him.
“I’m such a bad hyung” Yixing had laughed. “You’re so good at taking care of me, one day, after debut, I’ll be the one holding you okay? Don’t bend unless I can help you do it. I don’t want you to break.”
That was one of two times they’d gone on a date. The second one ended in tears years later because the company told Jongin he needed a scandal. He needed lover. He needed a woman.
“What if you fall in love with her? What then?” Yixing had sobbed. “ What if you decide I’m not -”
Jongin had kissed him then. Silenced the ache for just a moment - all the people around them be damned.
“Bend, don’t break remember?” he’d said. “If I break from you I break completely. Don’t you ever forget that.”
Jongin watched as Yixing bellowed out notes from his soul that no one knew he had in him.
“… wish we could be like that.
Why can’t we be like that?….”
The song ended and Jongin had to stop himself from letting tears fall. He had to stop himself from giving into that ache; stop from reaching out and holding Yixings body close to his to assure him that he wanted the same thing - to stop being a secret.
Yixing looked at him then; a silent exchange. He’d be gone in an hour, off to another part of China to film. He’d be kept busy to keep away from suspicion. He’d be kept away from Jongin.
Later - only after the show is done and photos being taken - they calm th ache for just a moment. In an empty room there’s a kiss - a secret love song not ready to public ears.
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah shoot me what am I even doing writing anst??????? *cries* btw these one shot gifts are all going to be different genres not just holiday themed.❤ also, go give this song a listen it really is beautiful.