a whole new world* @reeshapeesha - Tumblr Blog

Cyclical..

There’s just something about the way you say my name that has me out here acting insane because deep down I know nothing’s gonna change, yet I keep engaging hoping the this time will be the last of the pain.

We fuss, we fight, we call each other names, and a while later we’re back at it again- making promises we can’t keep and we just add to our long list of complaints.

We try to move on, forget this in the past- but nothing else seems to stick. We try to replace each other but that ends fast-we just sit there comparing our nexts to what used to be- it’s obvious that no one can measure up to the love we had ...

No one understands, I’m pushed to prayers, faith, and belief in some greater divine plan- the amount of turmoil I feel should not ever be brought on by a man, yet here I sit, with my broken heart in hand.

So back to Crying and missing you- I find myself at it again, hoping to look at my phone and see your name- the only thing that seems to momentarily ease the pain.

And Sure enough, like clockwork- there we go...back to love filled sentences, heart felt budding romances, and promising to be better on our one millionth and one chances, the raw sensual advances, the thrilling fantasies of what could be....and then a simple word will upset me.

Brings me right back to the pain, the shattering feeling deep inside- the reason nothing was the same...and I find myself resenting you yet again after a long draining blame game....

You hang up, I turn my phone off- my usual response: just withdraw. Hours later turning it on to find missed calls round the clock.

You’re sorry and you didn’t mean it.

Then you call back, and I answer as a matter of fact, “what?” You take a breath and say, ‘ you know I love you’

Even though our actions can’t attest to that being be true...a sigh of relief escapes me and I whisper, “I love you too”

It’s a constant cycle, a rollercoaster that doesn’t end- because really, how do you fall out of love with your best friend?

...

who you are is not who you were.

humans are funny.

we want each other to be the best possible versions of ourselves, but we don’t actually let people achieve this.

we don’t let people achieve this milestone because we are too busy dragging them backwards to who they were.

we judge people based on decisions they made in their younger teen years- maybe out of confusion, frustration, or simply being a lost soul. we use these incidents to chalk a person up to being “good” or “bad”....and we don’t let them break out of that mould because why would we? it’s easier just to continuously point out someone else’s flaws because it takes away from us noticing our own. it’s easier to say that person is “worse” than you because they may have done something you didn’t.....but we have all done something we would rather not have done... and if you ever meet someone that says they have never done anything wrong..... delusional much? steer clear of this person. they do not value growth. they will always be in a stagnant mind set where whatever they believe is the word of god, and everything else can go to shit. they are not open to new ideas, new places, or new people. if you stick around, you too will become small minded and delusional.

I have no problem admitting that i was a wild child in my younger years. i made stupid decisions, i made emotional decisions, and i made careless mistakes, but the difference is, i have grown. i have realized the error in my ways. i have sat for countless nights repenting and wishing that i could take those decisions and moments back. i have made great strides in who i have become because i actively make a choice to not revert back to those moments.

but recently, someone told me, “if you don’t want to be judged, then don’t do things you’ll be judged for” initially that really hurt. i sat there resenting my 18 year old self for making foolish decisions. then i pondered about the validity of the statement, and i got to thinking of the essential concept in the matter.

someone who is born rich, is rich. someone who was born poor but worked their ass off to become rich...is so much more than “rich”.

so to all the people who sit on their high horse and self righteous thrones, just because you didn’t “make a mistake” does not make you better than those of us who did. How stupid would you feel for judging someone for something that God has already forgiven them for? How stupid would you feel describing someone in a way that no longer even comes close to reflecting who they have become? How can we be so self righteous and superficial that we continue to judge someone based on who they were and not take them for who they are now?

A person who cannot see and appreciate growth, has no place in your life if you want to move forward. don’t plant roots with someone who refuses to grow. So if anyone in your life is dragging you back to a version of yourself you no longer identify with....speak up. and if they do not listen to you and respect your growth...its time for some more growth.

cut those dead ends off.

sometimes the lord gives you what you so desperately want....just to show you that it is not at all what you need

Why

You cannot destroy someone’s wings and then hold them responsible for not being able to fly... As such, you can’t break someone and then expect them to be whole again. We live in a world where we hurt others in so many ways and then get mad because they have a reaction- some sort of feelings- towards what we have done. Why are we like this? We let our actions and words tear other people down,shatter their dreams, and break their hearts- and then get frustrated because they can’t ‘love’ us. No one stops to think that maybe they are trying the best they can, from the thousands of little pieces we have shattered them into. We are such selfish entitled people. We break people down as we please and then get annoyed because the person is ‘broken’ and hurt. Why are we like this?

another year, another bunch of lessons...

2018

Happy 2018! 2017 has been one whirlwind of a year in every aspect possible; physically, mentally, and emotionally. There have been times where it seemed too good to be true, and other times where it felt like a nightmare. Despite these polarities, one thing was constant, and that was the little voice of faith somewhere deep inside. Having faith that everything would work out for the best, kept me going on days where I wanted to give up. Having faith that things were happening as they were meant to be, allowed me to immerse myself in moments and enjoy them to the fullest. I was challenged personally, professionally, and physically. I struggled with having a wonderful relationship. Wait what? Yeah. I struggled. It was a new feeling, and I was not used to feeling that amount of love and care, and part of me was terrified that it was too good to be true. There were moments where I tried to Sabotage myself because I was scared, but I held onto the faith that this amazing man is my better half. And that he is- if I had given up, I would’ve lost the most wonderful moments in my years to come. Professionally, I made some very tough decisions and if I did not have faith that everything would work out, I don’t think I could’ve moved a day forward. I had a great job, but at some point along the way, I stopped being fulfilled. I had faith that taking the next step would allow me to be challenged but also be fulfilled in a different way. Here is hoping that decision was right because hello more student debt! This year was a tough year for my health. As a relatively ‘healthy’ 27 year old, being bed ridden for a couple months was unbearable. Being the overly independent individual I am, it was unbelievably challenging to be reliant on those in my life. Though I lost parts of myself I won’t ever get back, I did gain a deeper foundation in my faith and there is no price for that. There have been days where I almost gave up. The curveballs being thrown my way, the complications, the roadblocks, almost defeated me. But somewhere along the beat down, a little voice said, “no, this is not how how my story ends. Keep going.” I have pushed past some of the most challenging moments of my life this year, and I did so with a shred of faith that it would get better. There have been people that have hurt me beyond belief, taken my loyalty and trust and torn it to shreds. Initially that hurt like the wind on a bitter winter day but as I took a step back, I realized that I was grateful for the experience as it taught me a lot about myself and interacting with people. Today, I can say that I am glad because it allows me to appreciate the great people in my life that much more. There were moments in my year where I was helpless and the only thing that calmed my emotionally torn soul was prayer. Without prayer I was lost, and spending a few moments praying, and having faith, allowed me to be grounded and be firm in the belief that if it was meant for me, it would work out for the best. And that it did, though it did come with some loss, I can say that it has made me appreciate everything I do have. Faith is the water with which we swallow some of life’s most bitter pills. I hope in 2018 we can all learn to have some faith and trust the process!

confines of dependency

it's a weird feeling to think that the smallest movement of our body is a blessing. The last few weeks I've been bed ridden, unable to move on my own even the slightest.It shook me how for granted I took such little things like turning over to my side, reaching for something, or even sitting up in bed. As I lay there waiting for a nurse to have a moment in time to help me turn over slightly because my side was so sore, I realized that I took for granted every night I tossed and turned in my own bed. Laying there watching the night turn into the morning, waiting for the morphine to drip slowly into my IV and knock me out for several hours to numb the pain- became routine. You don't think about these things as you run around your daily life. You go from one place to another- juggling a billion things and somehow doing it gracefully.And then suddenly, you can't even sit up on your own. As you lay exposed and in excruciating pain- you see the bright OR lights, you smell the insanely clean hospital smell, your arm is numb because the IV has been in for hours now...you begin to wonder what life is really about. The billion tasks you had planned for the long weekend seem mundane and irrelevant. The multitude of people in your life doesn’t seem to matter because all you want is a select few around you. You look up occasionally and see faces of loved ones and want to talk, want to tell them how much they mean, how for granted you have taken them, and how sorry you are- but words don't escape you. You stare blankly and then back into your slumber you go. You lay there after visiting hours, surrounded by flowers, balloons, and stuffed animals- but all you want is to be in that someone's arms. You want to be home. You want to be able to get up and walk to the fridge and have whatever without throwing up. You want to sit with your person and have the cheesiest pizza without a fit of coughing and puking. Initially people worry, they send you concerned messages full of hope and love, but as days go by, the messages decline in numbers because well…life.They tell you that recovery will be smooth, you're doing well, you're healing. Are you? You're deteriorating as days go by. You haven't eaten properly, you still can't walk properly, you can't even breathe properly. You look down and see the large scar and are reminded of the helplessness everyday. Usually when you feel this way, you go for a walk, go to the gym, go for a drive...what do you do when you literally cannot do any of those things?You get stuck in your thoughts, the really dark ones that make it almost impossible to have any ray of hope. But you put on a smile and try to be the 'strong person' everyone keeps dubbing you to be because no one wants to be around a negative Nancy. You smile but you feel defeated in so many ways.parts of you were lost, and you’re trying so very hard to ensure that you are still some what whole, but deep down you know you’re not the same person. I have never stopped to think how blessed we are in our independence until you experience ultimate dependency. Life is about the little things, the things we overlook in our search for more.

News flash, it's you.

In all honesty, we've all stayed in situations we know we're better off leaving behind us. As a social worker, I feel this innate compulsion to stay, to ride out the wave, and hope for positive change. Rarely is this the case, and more often than not, you end up with a headache...or worse, a heartache. As someone who wants to believe that all people, even the shittiest of people, are capable of change given the right tools...I find myself always at dead ends that are disguised as horrible people. I have put my feelings and needs aside countless times because the person on the other end has it much worse right? They've been through worse, I just need to be there for them.... No. You need to be there for yourself, before you can be there for anyone else. Basic survival is taught this way...if in an emergency on a flight, secure your own oxygen mask before helping someone else with their mask. The sheer simplicity of this can be applied to relationships. We jump in hoping we can teach someone to swim when we're barely treading the water ourselves. We think someone else will help save us from the darkness of our souls, but honestly, you just end up being tossed into the black hole that is someone else's storm, while your own needs get pushed further and further away. You find yourself making excuses for them- they're going through a hard time today. They've had a long day at work, they've not slept because they're stressed, they haven't eaten yet because they've been so busy....but what about you? Are you not allowed the same courtesy? You want to address your feelings but you live in this constant state of anxiousness...what's their mood like? Should you say something? Shoot- what if they snap? And like this, you subconsciously teach yourself that your needs are not important, and you teach the other person that they are the end all be all, and it's them over everything and everyone else. No matter what. You become the person that cleans up the mess, when this person refuses to even acknowledge there ever is a mess. Maybe you do such a good job of cleaning up, they can't see the crap they spew. When you become this person it's hard to escape it- familial relationships, friendships, professional relationships, and the ever demanding, Romantic relationships. The ones we grow up looking forward to, because we think that someone will come into our lives and make all the bullshit worth it. News flash; that person is you. Be there for yourself. Tend to your needs. Stop expecting people to be there for you when you can't even be there for yourself. We always settle for the treatment we think we deserve. So really, the problem isn't this other person that is being a horrible human towards us- it's us. We are letting them. People will get comfortable disrespecting you if you let them. Don't.

Ramblings...

Sometimes life has a funny way of making sure you are the strongest version of yourself; sometimes that is the only choice you have.

Whatever you may have come across in your life thus far, whether it be failed attempts at love, the loss of a loved one too soon, losing an important job, failing an important exam, missing your chance...it has brought where you are. Maybe you grew up in a broken home, with constant fighting, never a sense of security- physically, emotionally, financially, whatever security is to you. Maybe you've experienced first hand the unfortunate circumstances from physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse. Maybe your needs were neglected because people in your life never put you first. Maybe you battle with unhealthy coping habits, addictions, or debilitating mental health concerns. Maybe your body has betrayed you- despite you never pouring any toxins in it. Maybe you fight a daily battle to live. Whatever challenges and roadblocks you have over come, or learned to cope with, here's appreciation for you because it is indeed a lonely road. Do not give up when there are stumbles along your path, do not surrender when there are days as dark as night and you feel like it would be easier to accept defeat....don't. As humans we tend to pity ourselves and wonder why me? A person is only given a burden they can sustain- and sometimes you need to push yourself to gain that strength. No one starts off being able to run a full marathon- you work at it until you make it look effortless. On the outside looking in, you're put together and smile so convincingly, no one would stop for a second to think that you face the struggles you do. You have experienced more in a few years than most people will in a lifetime. There are days where you think yo yourself, 'isn't this enough?' Once in a while you come across another soul you open up the lid for just a bit...you haven't even gotten to the pit in your stomach and they tell you 'wow, you've been through so much, I don't know how you do it' or they decide it's too much, and they can't be that person for you.. you learn to be self sufficient- you learn to address your own needs, and feelings, and work through the bullshit. Reflecting on things, sometimes particular incidents just evade your mind because there is no sense in holding onto things that are beyond your control...you forget how much you have actually endured. You grow up and pick a 'helping profession' because you've helped yourself get through all this bullshit alone, you can surely understand the struggles people face. Its always easier to divert the focus and attention from taking that plunge into the depths of your overwhelmed soul. There have been days where you wonder who this is even for, does anyone even care enough to make sure you're doing okay? And not on the surface, but in the depths of your soul- are you managing? Someone who sees the horrific parts of you, the horrible scars, and stays because they see the beauty behind it... you're surprised to see that you still have some sort of faith in the world, despite being exposed to the ugliest parts of it. Some days you battle the hardest battle, and that's against yourself. It feels like you take one step forward and then run a mile backwards.

You've gotten used to rock bottom- it's your familiar place, your battleground. This is where you built your foundation.

Just when you think you're able to let someone else in, someone you can be honest with, move past the grasps of your past, life throws you another curveball and you're left grasping onto thin air- you fall backwards hoping something catches you, and you realize that you are the only person you can rely on. The only person who can handle the impact of the fall, is you alone. So you hit your foundation- rock bottom. It feels familiar, it's easy to just manage your emotions, your reactions- it's easy to put a smile on and help others deal with their bullshit. Yet there are days where you cry on your way home, where you lay wide awake hours into the night, where you wish you could let your guard down just for a little bit- your shoulders are tired. But you wipe your tears and square up your shoulders because no one will tell you it's going to be okay, only you know that- you.will.be.fine. You have come this far, you have moved mountains where people would not have tried, you have leapt oceans where people would not cross puddles. You realize that you haven't let anyone or anything break you despite the ample attempts. There are days where you are broken inside but you admire the person you have become because the cracks in your soul have been filled with sheer strength. No one applauds you or sits there patting you on the back after a long day of facing internal struggles- no one even knows because you handle it with such grace and poise. Here is my pat on the back for you, here is my roaring round of applause because it's not always easy to be the put together strong independent person, but it is worth it- it teaches you that you can let your situations define you, or you can be a warrior and own the battle. Here's to owning all our battles, whether they be big or small.

Yes to being a no woman...

We are taught from a young age that we can't be too ambitious, too loud, too outgoing, or too much of anything because someone won't want us. We are taught to conform to what society believes is perfect, even though every fiber in our body may scream otherwise. We are expected to put our ambitions on hold because that is what is expected in society. Any woman who forgoes the idea of marriage to pursue education has to deal with countless claims on her character and sanity because 'she's probably crazy so no one wants her' Or the woman who forgoes the idea of children to push for that milestone achievement in her career is deemed a heartless monster. We are expected to nod our heads and give up our dreams to 'settle down'... We are conditioned to believe that only 'yes' women find love and are able to keep it. Is that what love and success is? If so, then no- I do not want it. Instead, I want to be able to say no- no to things I do not agree with on a personal, spiritual, moral, or preferential level. That does not make me less of a woman. In fact, it makes me one heck of a woman because I'm standing up for what I believe in. And I believe in no. No bullshit, no drama, no double standards, no limits, no unrealistic sacrifices, and simply NO. No is enough, no is a sentence. You do not owe anyone a lengthy explanation for why you are saying no. Growing up I've always fought this nonsense cultural divide that because I am a woman, my priorities and aspirations should be on a different time line. I've always felt this pressure to explain my choices because I could feel the judgment burning into my soul. They say when you can't beat em, join em... Or beat them at their own game. So this year, I vow that I will say yes. Wait what?!? I know you're thinking that- but here's the method to the madness... I will say yes to doing things that make my soul happy, I will say yes to seeing only those people that help me grow, I will say yes to opportunities that better me, and I will say yes to adventures that open my mind. I will say yes to the things I am ready for without letting myself feel any less because it wasn't when everyone else expected. So this year, instead of saying no to the nonsense expectations society has, say yes to the ones that you have wanted for as long as you can remember. To all the important women in my life who continue to help me grow and become the strongest version of myself by being inspirations, this one is for you. Thank you to all the important men in my life that allow me the space to say yes to my own dreams and goals. #internationalwomensday #bebold #change

It just happens...

It's funny isn't it- we grow up hearing countless times that 'when you stop looking for love, you find it' And we scoff at the thought because how do you ever find something without looking for it? The overly logical part of my brain struggled with this notion. I refused to believe in the almost magical aspect of the statement. Shit did not just 'happen'- at least not in my world. I worked hard to achieve everything I had proudly accomplished.I felt rather failed at the concept of love, so much so that sheer doubt had replaced the possibility. I had begun to do what I usually do best, talk myself out of it, tell myself I was better off, it was not something I desired anymore - so I didn't care to achieve it. The list that had been added to, readjusted after every failed attempt had now been crumpled up, because surely no such creature existed on this earth and I was obviously extremely delusional, right? I mean after countless attempts to test any theory, you start to accept that maybe the null hypothesis is actually true? Then one day, out of nowhere, life surprises you. Throws you a curve ball that gets you right in the face...and you see stars for a while because what the actual fuck just happened? You meet someone. You exchange pleasantries, a few sarcastic remarks, eye rolls, smirks.....numbers, meals, dreams... And obviously you have your guard up, your bullshit tolerance is nonexistent, and you look for reasons why it'll never work because that's a trend and you're not about to waste anymore of your time. You're taken aback because as this human opens their mouth....your crumpled list has come To life in the form of this handsome, smart, talented human and you're dumbfounded. You can't fathom that this is happening so you naturally try to screw with it. Don't. Let life work its magic. I promise you the best people are found when you least expect them to show up in your life.

New year new lessons

Happy new year. I have never been more excited for a year to end. This past year has been one of the most challenging years thus far. Not all of it was bad, there were significant good, even great moments, but it all felt like a surreal whirlwind of events. This year I learned that hard work pays off ten fold when you actually put the effort in. I learned that effort means a lot more than a particular outcome- the journey is just as important as the destination. I also learned that actions will always speak louder than words. I learned that I can't be there for people who refuse to be there for themselves. You can't be there for someone who isn't present. Also, you can't pour from an empty cup- you don't have to take on someone else's burden and have it deplete your sanity and well being when this person isn't even invested in making changes. The only change that's occurring is the steady decrease of your sanity. This year I have learned the essence of letting go. Letting go of anything or anyone that does not better my life, help me grow, or provide comfort in a time of need. I have been the person that gives everyone benefit of the doubt but this year I've learned to extend that same benefit to myself. This year I vow to leave negativity behind, and embrace change wholeheartedly for the changes that come may be a hundred times better than the negative mediocrity I've grown comfortable with.

Walk away.

That's the thing about being someone who cares. You assume everyone else does too. You go out of your way, you accommodate people to unreasonable lengths, you let people give you their side of the story, and genuinely believe them. You try to find a method to their madness; a reason for the ruckus, you try to find some truth behind the tangled web of lies they've spun. Sorry sweetheart, I've learned the hard way- so here's my advice. Never let anyone's bullshit change who you are as a human. Once you get sucked into this never ending tale of lies, you start losing parts of yourself. They make you feel like you don't care- because oh my goodness how dare you walk away after being lied to and disrespected continuously? How dare you walk away when they've opened up to you? How dare you show yourself an ounce of respect when they've shown you none? How dare you say you love them? They're just going to become the empty shell they always were and it's all your fault. No. Say it with me. No. Walking away does not mean you do not care about this person, or love them any less- it just means you have to love yourself enough for the both of you. Love is kind, love is respect, love is trust and faithfulness. Love is knowing that this person can absolutely fucking shatter your entire world, but being able to say with confidence that they will do no such thing. They will love you in the hardest of times, and the happiest of times. They will love you when you don't love yourself. They will love you when you are sick, and upset, and look like a mess. They will love you every time someone tempts them to do otherwise- they will always put you first and foremost. You love them, so you're always loyal, you don't entertain other individuals- even ones who you know would care about you tremendously more. You stay loyal....to the lies, excuses, and empty promises. Walking away from someone you love is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Because you hurt three people: You hurt yourself, you hurt the person you thought they were, and you hurt the ego of the person they actually are. Walking away from your love makes you feel like you're being Weak, you're leaving when you should be fighting to make this work. Oh darling, how long can someone paddle a canoe alone? How long is one expected to walk towards the middle ground, when it's nowhere to be seen? When you are the only one making sacrifice after sacrifice; compromising left, right, and center; giving out chances like Halloween candy to the annoying kid who won't stop ringing your doorbell? Eventually the candy runs out. Don't feel bad for one person draining out all the candy. That person isn't considerate. They aren't nice. They empty the pot, leave nothing behind, and don't share the sweets. And when the nice sweet kid comes looking for candy; you're annoyed that you have non left and lash out on the nice kid. Let that sink in. Don't let someone rob you of your love and sweetness to the point where if you have walked away, you've got nothing left for the right person. Love yourself enough to walk away, and know that sometimes loving someone means walking away.

Uneasy

It's been a while since I've been alone with my thoughts. I've started what seems like the most draining academic year thus far as there is a whirlwind of chaos in my life. There is uncertainty, there is upheaval, and there is a severe lack of clarity. I've always made sure to be sure- and now I wasn't. Not about school, not about career paths, not about love or the concept of it- in all honesty, I wasn't even sure about what I would do in my next moment. I wasn't sure if I should stay or if I should go. That statement can be applied to a multitude of aspects of my life, and that scares me. Is there really nothing, literally nothing, I am absolutely one hundred percent sure about? There is. I am very sure about this unsettling uncertainty. Unsettling. Uneasy. Uninvited. I can't say what perpetuated this feeling of being lost- I've generally always had my life together. School usually goes well, I end up with 'exceptionally high' grades by my peers' standards, work is work, my performance evaluations are always excellent, my parents are proud of me, family friends always use me as an example of how well I balance my life, my friends always have positive things to say about how much of a great friend I am, boys I've dated have told me that im the 'ride or die' type of chick....but here I am, unsure of the essence of my being. I always set extremely high expectations for myself and I guess in other people's eyes I'm always above the general baseline; but I never seem to meet mine. I have changed my lifestyle from sheer idiocy to turn it all around and be whatever a "proper" girl should be by cultural and societal expectations...and nothing shifted inside, in fact i felt more uneasiness. I've had many feelings of sheer loneliness, and feeling unwanted and unloved- I'm not usually one to care because I love myself enough not to feel that void. However, there comes a time where even self love falls short- you start thinking maybe it is you, maybe you are too difficult to want, and have. I didn't think there was anything worse- I was wrong. What's worse than sheer loneliness you may ask- I too was puzzled. But it's the feeling of having many faces in your life, many faces that countlessly say they are there for you, but really, actions over words. That's the kind of emptiness and loneliness that drives you insane. You're surrounded by people but deep inside you know you are utterly alone. Just you, and your uneasiness.

kushandwizdom

I know when that hotline blings, That could only mean one thing..

reeshapeesha

😏

It was probably nothing, but it felt like everything.

Our society always encourages being selfless and helping others. However, if you are of a certain kind of soul, this is your downfall. You always put people first, you cannot see someone else in pain, someone else’s heart being broken; their happiness being depleted….

Even if someone is sitting across you making you feel all sorts of broken; the second they utter or exhibit any sort of hurt, you forget what you are feeling and start tending to them.

You do this day in and day out, to the point that you do not know when you are hurting, because you’ve ignored it everyday.

Then one day as you sit in silence, with tears pouring down your face, you think you’re broken. This feeling, this experience is so foreign to you, you know how to help others but how do you help yourself. You look up in hopes to see one of the faces of the countless people you’ve helped, but are left fruitless.

People have learned to be selflessly selfish, and you missed that train, and are now left unable to tend to your own emotional wounds because you’ve given out all your care to those who may not deserve it.

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a whole new world*