CHVN

Reinventing in progress

[reinventionrevolution]

Thanks Ben Kheng + TEDx Youth @Singapore

Inspired by Ben Kheng’s TEDx talk. And Lisa Nichols. And Sharon Au’s interview by Andie Chen.

There must be a reason why I’m born an artist & writer right? Why I have this need to tell stories. I need to let it explode out of me right now.

These fears of being judge have been holding me back for so long. I can feel my soul dying & deadening day by day, but have been pushing those feelings away and instead embracing my helplessness. I have excuses for everything. Always never ready. Seeing Ben Kheng’s example really inspired me.

As Lisa Nichols said, “If there’s no distance between you and the thing you want - then that thing is yours.” I need to 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and start doing it. (Mel Robbins).

2 days ago I signed up for OKC out of desperation for variety and excitement in my life and I really want to delete it tomorrow if no one replies to me. It’s so soul crushing ugh. There are a few guys who seem decent, but they haven’t written back so far. I’m starting to think I’m better off meeting people in real life. After talking about it with my good friend L, she agreed that OLD can be a hit or miss. Since I’m jobless now, I’m living in a special kind of void that consists of me being in my room, being online and my only human interaction are with my own family members 24/7. I assure you, it’s a special kind of hell….that doesn’t stop until friends are free to meet me after work or during the weekend. Then it’s back to the prison of monotony.

For me, there’s this ongoing struggle of stability and variety. Being controlled and being out of control. Being controlled by a job, an employer, a boss. And then feeling thoroughly sick of it, feeling dead inside. Then quitting it all. I keep doing this. “Fuck this shit, I’m out!” Then when I’m jobless and at home hugging my pillow on my bed, I’m like, shit, I need money. Holidays need money. Things cost money. Now why did I quit that job again? I just wanted that little bit of control back in my life. Always that tension between this is MY life! And no, no it’s not mine, please take it – I need the money.

OK - so back to OKCupid. I’m going to need rules to deal with this scourge that is OKCupid.

Rule #1: I’m going to delete it in days’ time if I don’t get a reply.

Rule #2: I’m going to check it only twice a day. 10am and 10pm so I don’t go bloody mad.

[reinventionrevolution]

Getting Unstuck

I met up with my secondary school friends yesterday, and it hit me.

That two of them are wives and mothers now. Another one is a supervisor at work, managing a staff of 4.

Whereas I’m still figuring things out now on my 6th career at age 31.

Maybe I landed here because previously I haven’t matured in my thinking yet. I wasn’t yet at the pain point to push through my circumstances and reach out for something better. I used my dysfunctional family circumstances as the excuse not to do more, a security blanket. I avoided my deepest fear of having to change myself into someone I don’t know. Crippling fear of fallout and the repercussions of becoming someone better. But i really want to break out of this cycle.

I really want to build a resource to motivate people who may be stuck in their circumstances like me.

Father giving you problem - you don’t trust men and you don’t dare to partner up even though you really really want to.

People who are always negative, with self-esteem issues start to infect you with their negativity and self-esteem issues. Or they verbally and psychologically abuse you until you start to feel bad about yourself.

Fuck them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you fundamentally.

They are the ones feeding you that idea. Sure, you could do with some improvements and tweaks to make yourself better, but the bottom line is, there’s nothing “bad” about you. Your baseline - whoever you are, wherever you are - is one of goodness.

It’s far easier to start building your life with a fundamental appreciation and acceptance of your goodness than starting from a “bad” position. Then your whole life will be about striving to move yourself from the “bad” to the “good” side. Between the two points of “bad” and “good” lies all manner of self-loathing, people pleasing, crippling anxiety and fear and inaction. Your thoughts just go round and round in circles.

I believe the antidote lies in action. In doing and being. Being - accepting who you are. Doing - building something you care about, achieving some goals external to yourself. It could taking care of your health, or forming close relationships with great people, or paying attention to and building a career you’re proud of.

Do instead of dwell. You’ll feel better, trust me.

[reinventionrevolution]

Born Rebel

Rebel against dysfunctional family, terrible, abusive teachers at school.

Rebel against conventional path - studied filmmaking & art and reschooled myself as an accountant at the age of 27.

Rebel against conventional guys that i should settle down with

Rebel against annoying bosses and stifling workplaces.

Rebel against “safe” and “stable” jobs and progress up the corporate ladder, the Singaporean dream.

Feels like I’m most comfortable when i can rebel or fight external thing.

I want to redirect that willingness to fight and question norms to serve people.

[reinventionrevolution]

The Call to Write

I’ve always wanted to be a writer.

To tell stories, to touch people.

But the key to being a great writer is having life experience to draw from. As a teenager with zero life experience, I felt completely unqualified to write. Although I had story ideas, I had difficulty fleshing out characters beyond caricatures. I knew I had to get some actual understanding of human nature and the world. Having never experienced love, struggle or success or worked a day in my life, how then was I going to write about life? Anything I write would be hollow, and pure fabrication that anyone who wasn’t a teenager would be able to see through. How was I going to write the stories that touched people’s hearts, if I’ve never made the descent into my own and got to know myself?

So I put my literary ambitions aside and set off to learn as much as I can about Life. I studied how movies and art were made, I travelled to foreign lands and met foreign people. I picked up foreign languages and learnt to dance. I learned how books were published, how copywriting was done, and even how to become a certified accountant and work in corporate jobs dealing with numbers and emails.

Years passed and I was so entrenched in the ‘real world’, I’d forgotten why I’d ventured so deeply in the first place. The call to write had fallen away, like a distant dream. The need to ‘measure up’ and accumulate more money occupied my mind, as did the agenda of people close to me.

But writing never stopped calling out to me. Especially in my moments of struggle. I’d have the strangest feeling as if I was watching a movie of another person (me) going through the motions of having a job, while I was absolutely detached. The conflict and stress I faced were the problems of ‘that worker’, and meant nothing.

I hear my soul calling me now, to share my well of experiences with those who have been waiting all their lives for them. To return to my original vision. To serve something from my soul on a page – which I have been preparing my whole life for.

[reinventionrevolution]

Dating red flag: when he tells you his sexual history right away

“???”

??? was the follow up to his last message, prompting - no demanding - a reply from me. After I went silent for a day.

He: 26 year old data analyst at a bank. 175cm tall. We haven’t met in person yet.

His ??? makes him seem clingy. I have better things to do than reply to your inane messages… And I don’t live by my phone, sorry. Although, if I were truly attracted to him, I would reply straight away.

During our online interaction over 2 days, he kept bringing up “partying over the weekend”, and soon asked me how many exes I’ve had. In between, he never asked questions to find out about me as a person – interests, that sort of thing. If establishing my personality is not important to him… how serious about finding a relationship can he be?

He confessed that he’s had several girlfriends and many too flings to count.

He liked to visit clubs and get drunk when in his poly days. At which point, I’d already written him off. It feels like he’s only interested in a physical relationship, even though he said that he was looking for a “steady relationship”.  Yeah, right, bullshit. This was after I told him that I was looking for the right guy, to explain why I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I’m looking for the genuine article here, the real deal, yeah?

It really drove home to me that having flings was a deal breaker for me. It shows that he could chat up girls easily and doesn’t speak well to his ability to stay loyal in a relationship. Sorry.

I realized that I prefer someone with zero or few previous relationships, because they want to find that special someone.

Someone who doesn’t enjoy clubbing.

Someone of similar intelligence and background.

Red Flags on his Dating Profile:

No travel/activity photos. All are photos of him – no interests? No friends?

His description – “Just a good Singaporean boy.” Seems disingenuous. It’s not something that you would say if you REALLY were one. Right?

Topless photo flexing his muscles in the mirror – Probably looking for casual sex, self-absorbed.

He doesn’t smile in his photos – feels like he’s hiding something. Doesn’t seem trustworthy.

He doesn’t sound intellectually curious. He’s not my physical type.

To be fair, I haven’t seen him in any other capacity – at work or playing sports, etc so I probably don’t have a full picture of him as a person. But I have to say:

Beware if someone talks about sex before establishing trust.

You know what you’re getting yourself into. It doesn’t matter how sexy, or successful that person is. To me, it just speaks to impulse control issues, lack of empathy or social skills eg blurts out the first thing he thinks about to a stranger online (how many exes have you had?) without any concept of proper behavior, or public vs private conversation topics that you’d only bring up after you have established a rapport with someone. Probably self-centred?

Just thinking of being with someone who has had many sexual partners just gives me the creeps – ew, gross. Am I just going to be another number? Does he view women as objects and can he form a real relationship with women? So many red flags even before meeting.

If you feel that you can’t trust him, run.

It’s hard enough building a relationship on a solid foundation ie someone with good values and has the same priorities as you. If you can’t trust his decision-making skills even in the early stages, this trust issue is just going to get worse.

There’s another guy I’m chatting with whom I like better. He sounds more guai (wholesome) – loves his pet dog, cooking, travel.

Pluses on his Dating Profile:

Photo of him with a boy and girl whom I think are his siblings (the 3 of them look so alike!) - close relationship with family, or has a social life.

Photo of him playing table tennis - oh look,someone with a hobby!

Smiling in his photos - he has a lovely, kind smile, which is nice.

However, he messages really infrequently, which makes me think that he’s only on the dating app cos he’s bored/stressed out from work. He mentioned previously that he was very busy at work, hence the lag in replies.

That’s my cue to stop investing in him until he becomes more available for interaction and dating.

[reinventionrevolution]

What to do when your family is just dysfunctional?

Dear reader, allow me to share my story with you. Recently, I’m hearing more stories from my mother about her gripes against my father, who acts like a fool or feels the need to exercise his ‘authority’ at home by blaming someone for something. Loudly.

I can see my mom getting worked up and frustrated with him, sometimes I want to ask her why she doesn’t divorce him if he’s so fucking annoying, but I’m afraid to go too deep with this questioning as well.

Maybe it’s better the devil you know, right?

Sometimes I wish my mother had divorced his deadbeat ass. Choosing to stay in such a marriage means choosing that kind of father for your children. And what kind of marriage are they modelling for us anyway? I understand that people are not perfect… but to have a family unit or marriage partnership that doesn’t function 90% of the time - what kind of life is that?

A few years ago, he did something that that really crossed a line for me and I yelled at him so hard, and so loudly, I thought I was going to kill us both. It was just like 20 years of savage rage just poured out of me. After that, he was just dead to me. I had no respect for him as a father or a person. Just pure disgust. I don’t talk to him or acknowledge him his presence or bother to form any kind of relationship with him. He’s a nuisance, a burden, a caricature of a man.

I used to feel so ashamed that i my father was such a loser. Back then my self-worth was still dependent on the state of my family and how it looked to others. But now I understand that we don’t get to choose our family, and having a dysfunctional family has no bearing on me as a person. Trying various ways to better myself, and working various organisations over the years have opened my eyes to different types of people. The good news is: my father isn’t the worst of them. But given the choice, god no, i wouldn’t choose to even be near this person.

I do regret that i never had a close father-daughter relationship, or even a ‘complete’ family. In the last decade, we’ve never stepped out for a meal as a family except for Chinese New Year reunion dinners with the extended family. Or even if we did have a family meal at home for Chinese New Year, my sister and I will ignore my father. So no family celebrations, no family outings, no birthdays, no family talk or discussions. No wise fatherly career advice, no one watching out for me, no fatherly approval. Maybe he does care in his own way, but it’s always conditional and at his convenience. Don’t even mention the countless screaming matches and quarrels he has with the rest of us.

We have to hide the fact that my mother hangs out with my sister and I for meals sometimes, and we go for hotel buffets and expensive meals and foreign cuisines, which my father could not afford and would never appreciate.

Having a front seat into my parents’ marriage, I kind of am afraid of marriage. Marriage ruins lives yeah… (mock serious expression).

Recently I’ve been thinking maybe I won’t get married or have children. I’ve always been hopeful for a loving marriage and family of my own, but now they just seem so out of reach. Will I ever meet someone who appreciates me for who I am and has the same vision of family life?

My Partner’s Traits

Family oriented, wants children. Understand the teamwork behind family and marriage. Wants to please me to his best ability, wants harmonious family life.

Social skills. Has close friends and family. Emotionally open.

Works hard at something he is passionate about (a job or hobby)

Emotionally mature, can manage his own emotions eg disappointment, failure, hardships. Not afraid of hard conversations, can talk anything through without getting personally offended

Self-reflective of his mistakes, able to take in criticisms and change for the better

Open-minded, curious, shares love for finer things in life, travel

Positive, easygoing, sense of humour, perseverance, good work ethic

Long range planning skills

Polite, chivalrous, a gentleman, considerate of others, has empathy

Same spirituality - belief in the Universal as a benevolent force

I can imagine having a son just like him.

Has some competitive experience.

[reinventionrevolution]

Message from the Divine…

2 Divination Lots from Waterloo Street Kuanyin Temple

Work #58: Don’t enter a new field/industry. Return to my area of expertise - writing.

Love #30: Don’t go seeking love or I might get hurt by unseen forces.

[reinventionrevolution]

The Opener

It’s been 2 weeks since I left my last job. I didn’t expect to be saying this but - I’m BORED.

I used to long for nothing more than to be left alone, at home with my own thoughts, with all the time in the world to read all the books I want and just relax. But I’m actually glad - and pleasantly surprised - at how the last few years have changed me. Now I feel as if I must go forth in the world to make a change, or serve people or do SOMETHING. It feels like i’m finally coming out of my shell. Transiting from an introvert to becoming a little more extroverted. I’m a little less scared of people, and more welcoming of human company. Letting go of a lot of old fears, value judgments and limiting beliefs.

Slowly growing into the person that i want to become deep down. All in all there has been progress over the last 3 years, I say!

[reinventionrevolution]

I’m Back!

Hello, I’m back! I’ve been away for a little over a year, simply because I didn’t really have much to say after April 2017 when I was hit by a setback: I’d failed the ACCA P4 exam for the 2nd time in a row. Just felt like I had to hide...from the shame.

It’s funny how things don’t matter so much when you see them in hindsight.

It’s a year later, and I actually passed the exam 3 months after my last post (yay!) and visited Italy for the first time 3 months after that (double yay!).

Going to get some goals now.

What I want to bring to the world. What is the message I want to bring to the world?

It’s ok to be expressive, be happy.

Be able to run 5km every morning (1h).

Get back to rockclimbing.

Join Virgin Active gym.

Join Spartan 5km race in Oct 2018 (5 months).

Make $1,000 monthly from the stock market

Get creative.

Teach English.

Forget about the salary, how people might see me for a moment. What would make my life meaningful?

I’m afraid, but move along.

Join an acting & performance group.

Join Toastmasters and speak in front of people about my struggle to fit in.

Create arts event network, support aspiring artists, tie in with F&B, activities like salsa, language course.

Cut off all ties with the accounting field.

Embrace the power of the written word. Embrace my superpower - writing.

Write my books and publish them online.

I have this image of me, having breakfast at a trendy but homey cafe.

Have my fitness under control.

Achieve emotional health & mental peace.

Be congruent with my Soul and provide the space for people to be that.

Introduce new ideas that benefit people.

Inspire people to express themselves.

Accept that I’m never going to fit in.

Strengths:

1. Coaching people - enthusiasm, compassion, patience, see possibilities in people

2. English - writing, reading, speaking

My mission, my quest, my personal legend and message is to tell stories so powerfully as to awaken people’s Souls.

I’ll always be writing away... I want to die holding a pen in my hand.

Bruce Lee’s mastery & achievement.

“Pursue your goal mercilessly.” - Franz Kafka

This job will be demanding, tiring, but it’s the impact that i want to make that drive me forward.

Writing will be tough sometimes, but i HAVE to share my stories. Being able to have my work read by others drives me forward. I have to make things happen.

What do I want to accomplish?

Happy married life. Journey overseas, adventure with my partner. Write. Teach. Support. Speak.

House sit in Belgium July 2018, study French for 1 month, work part-time, write my book, photography, visit my friend.

[reinventionrevolution]

22 April 2017

It’s his birthday!

Time to reach out to him on FB and wish him a hot happy 31st! LOL.

If you haven’t messaged him yet, well this is the perfect opening...

They say make it easy for your guy to impress you.

Well, that doesn’t seem too hard - I’m already impressed by him. Truly.

Omg he gives me the butterflies! *squeals*

[reinventionrevolution]

17 April 2017

You open your email with excitement. You scroll down and see that you’ve passed P4!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Excited, you show your results to Mom and the two of you jump up and down with joy together! You let out a crazy triumphant yell and do a crazy dance till your lungs feel like they might give way soon!

You Whatsapp your sister the very best news and announce it on Facebook!

“Woman, 30, completes ACCA in 4 years (Mar 2013 - Apr 2017)”

You laugh and cry at the enormity of the moment! YOU’VE DONE IT!!!!

IT IS ALL OVER - the struggles, the pain, the late night studying...!

WHAT WAS ONCE A DREAM, IS NOW YOUR REALITY!!!

You can’t stop smiling, as you realise that you’ve become YOUR OWN HEROINE.

Relief, joy, and gratitude washes over your body. The tension in your neck vanishes, and you drop your shoulders as you feel a mighty weight lift from your back.

Finally you can look at the world in the eye. Finally you’ve achieved a dream that you’re proud of.

Finally you’ve reached this sacred place, this sacred state of being.

I have done it.

Give yourself a HUGE PAT on the back!

ACCA has been an amazing journey :)

Time to uncork that celebratory bottle of wine! Well done you! You’ve made it through!

Now, to sign up for that ACCA Graduation Ceremony in June 2017...

Apply for ACCA Membership...

Print all those ACCA certs & transcripts on card paper...

Get all official-y...

A new chapter begins...

[reinventionrevolution]

19 March - 25 March Weekly Recap

Week 1 Highlights

Sun 19 Mar: Met up with Choo in hillview, West Mall - explored shop Tom & Stefanie, Du Yi bookshop, Cathay cinema, Face Shop. Watched Magic in the Moonlight.

Mon 20 Mar: Got medical report back. Ate yong tau hoo for lunch with no carbs.

[reinventionrevolution]

10 March - 18 March Weekly Recap

Exam Week Highlights

Fri 10 Mar: P4 Exam, followed by celebration Asahi beer

Sat 11 Mar: Went to Toa Payoh Lor 7 food centre with Mom for lunch. Had korean food delivery for dinner from FoodPanda. Cute delivery boy. Shared Dester beer three-ways while watching AKB Horror Night Adrenaline no Yoru.

Dad came back from Vietnam trip

Sun 12 Mar: Morning jog, ate cashews from Vietnam, watched Logan & went to Overseasy for dinner. Ordered a rather potent cocktail christened as ‘Dr Pepper’, which contains tequila & jalapeno. Dozed off around 9pm

Week 1 Highlights

Mon 13 Mar: Blood test in the. Bought Aztech homeplug & borrowed 7 books from the library. Set up the plug for use. Internet connection worked fine on my computer. Later that night realised that sis’ connection was off. Reset her internet connection. Nevermind regroup tomorrow. Watched Deadpool

Tues 14 Mar: Reset, retest, replug and finally settled the internet connection issue. Passed bread loaf meant for aunt to mom while mom was on a bus. Started on christmas gifted M&S green tea. Master planning time Watched bits of The Proposal. 1 episode of Forever.

Wed 15 Mar: Visited Kuanyin temple with Mom, ate vegetarian lunch at Fortune Centre, drank ice Milo, accompanied Mom to Singapore Pools to buy 4D for aunt. Watched Dr Strange & went for a jog at 11pm.

Thurs 16 Mar: Accompanied Mom & sister to hospital for scope, we ate dinner at Ichiban. Finished Dr Strange & Beauty & The Beast 1991.

Fri 17 Mar: Met sister at orchard for lunch at PS Cafe. Had their Brioche & mushroom sandwich, truffle fries & chai latte. Walked around Paragon, Kinokuniya. Ate seafood with Sea Turtles. Watched Magic in the Moonlight.

Sat 18 Mar: Went for lunch at market with Mom & Sis. Swam at friend’s house in evening. Watched Dead Man Walking.

[reinventionrevolution]

10 March 2017

You’re well-prepared for the exam, and you’ve written all you could and did your very best.

You’ve put in your best effort to understand the subject and perform in the exam. It was telling, as the answers and workings flowed like water from the tip of your pen.

You know in your heart that you have passed. You’re grateful it is so.

You’re feeling joyful that it is now over – ALL FINALLY OVER – and exhilarated that the celebration now begins!

You’re living proof that you CAN accomplish whatever you intend, if you stick to it and keep at it over and over again.

Anything is possible to you. You feel POWERFUL.

Obstacles no longer seem so daunting, they are stepping stones that lead you to hone your creative problem-solving  skills, and communication skills, and your ability to ask the Universe for what you need.

You feel buffeted by forces of love, of grace, and feel an abundance of resources in your life that you’re able to access, to fulfill your dreams.

You feel soooooooooooooooooooooooo grateful, that you can now walk on the path that you’ve always been drawn but feared to act on. That persistent urgingof your soul that made itself known to you as a kid but you never allowed it to take root. It is calling to you now, beckoning you back to it fold. It has always beent here, patiently waiting in your heart for your consciousness to shine its light on it.

You’re one step closer to embracing and stepping into your role in this world and living your ultimate dream of being a writer.

Your dream job. Your dream path. Your destiny. YOU.

Finally you’ve turned a new page on life. Promise your soul that you’d live as you wish, and act solely for your dreams. 

Now go forth and celebrate! Relax, Write, Sing!

[reinventionrevolution]

Short pre-exam rant

I read about this lady investment banker. She’s my inspiration now.

This is such a far cry from 12 years ago, when I wanted to be a famous film director. Life’s funny.

A friend from film school is opening a cafe next month. Strangely enough, I didn’t envy her for fulfilling one of my childhood dreams. I don’t feel any envy at all.

I used to envy her and her clique who seemed to have it easy with the demands of film school. Why was it that they blossomed and flourished but i crashed and burned into the ground?

Back then, they seemed to have it easy while I struggled with expressing myself and showcasing my life and creating ANYTHING. Every assignment was a painful reminder of my shitty childhood and ALL of my demons. I would be so envious whenever they could show a personal, poignant story on film.

I guess the difference was that I had A LOT of growing up to do, and A LOT of issues to face and overcome. I accept that film school was just one pit stop in my journey to growing up and finding myself.

Still, I’m itching to do a Tales of Woo - Singapore Edition...

My childhood dream of opening a cafe was a childhood fantasy actually.

The truth is I just wanted a place where I can find peace, away from my family situation. Where I didn’t have to be so strong all the time. Where I could be loved. I was handling a suicidal-depressed family member and was coping the best as I could as a kid.

I wanted an escape. That’s all I actually want. But to my kid mind, that desire came out as a cafe, as being a writer, a director. Movies gave me peace and enjoyment and escape when I was watching them. So heck, make movies, why not?

Except that the logistics of making a movie just frustrates me. There’s so many details to manage, so many people and egos and so little time and money to do it!

But hey, that’s just me.

All I’m saying is, it’s not the kind of environment that I thrived in. I wanted instant gratification back then. I didn’t want to work very hard, but i wanted the glory.

My desire for escape, to actually BECOME a different person led me to film school. Not the wisest choice at the time and I let the experience screw me up pretty bad - but hey, I was curious and didn’t want to listen to my mother’s advice so I went.

I allowed the experience to screw me up because I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER. I wanted it to be this pinnacle of my life experience but no, it turned out to be total shit for me (of which I take full responsibility. I was a self-absorbed little shit back then). I didn’t take to the things I was learning, except for art and film history and photography studies - all written subjects. I wanted to pigeonhole myself as a director in order to give myself some semblance of an identity, but i just couldn’t. I joined film school to find out who I was, the point of my life, why was I suffering so much. What was my place in this world? I sought my identity from the external world, but i know how that it’s a futile quest. It’s like trying to Google for an answer on the Web when the answer is in a book on your bookshelf at home.

So I failed. I failed TERRIBLY. It seemed like my dream to being a film director - which in my mind was going to be the ultimate panacea to the pain in my life - failed in the most epic way.

In hindsight, what I wanted was to NOT BE IGNORED. I wanted my voice to be heard. I wanted my voice to matter. Possibly because at that time i didn’t think that my voice mattered. I didn’t trust myself. I betrayed myself so many times that I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Now of course, a decade later things are different. I’ve mistakenly continued to find my identity externally from my job, but now I’ve accumulated so many experiences and did all these crazy things that I’m starting to get a feel for who I am. And all those blanks in between, who cares?

I don’t have to be super clear about who I am. That’s the whole magic and mystery of life. Cos pinning myself down to one identity is limiting myself. It’s evolution that excites me and makes me feel alive.

Well, one thing I DO regret is alienating myself from them back then. I was ashamed of what i was going through and I just pushed them away. I grew a wall around myself to protect myself from pain, and it’s only slowly coming down after a decade. And I know, in the light with what was in my mind and in my heart back then I was being burnt from both ends. I was not myself. I couldn’t be that cheerful kid who loved her jpop idols and was trusting and chatty with friends. I just wanted to be done with school so I can grow up, work and get the fuck of the house. I did my best in the those circumstances.

I wish them all well, and hopefully we’ll be able to reconnect in the future.

--------------------------

Now, as an adult, i DON’T want to run an actual cafe and serve actual customers and clean up and do retail hours behind a counter. The logistics of it just doesn’t suit the kind of free-flowing lifestyle (writing & travelling) that I want. Heck, I could patronise her cafe but running one - no way. I don’t want to be tied down to a location. But I’m happy for her, it seems like she could take care of this business plus raise her kid at the same time (I imagine her kid growing up IN the cafe :)

I guess as a kid all I had were my fantasies and I cherished them abit too much. Without a proper support system, my dreams WERE my support system and to me they were ‘real’ and comforting from the harshness of my own life.

When my dreams didn’t come true, I felt anguish, like my own dreams had betrayed and forsaken me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that was only the beginning of a long road to self-discovery back then:)

[reinventionrevolution]

28 Feb 2017

You’ve officially left the company. Congratulations on concluding your journey in this company in an honest and appreciative fashion.

Although mentally, you’d already checked out 15 months ago, it’s still valuable to reflect on the 3 years you’ve given the company, and to give thanks to all the learning that you had been granted in return.

It is also worth noting that this marks the final year of ACCA, and the start of your 30′s, a new period that you told yourself you would live as if death is chasing you.

I wouldn’t say go for your dreams, but build your dream life, one day at a time, one passion at a time, one breath at a time.

Take a deep breath. The end is coming for us all.

Now go study for that P4 paper and claim that success that you know is yours.

[reinventionrevolution]

My Taurus guy - 11 March 2017

God, he fascinates me. I want to get close to him, possess him.

I have so many questions (is it possible to get close to him? I’ve never spoken to him in person! The last time we were in the same space we were 9 years old), there’s so many obstacles (he’s in the US, I’m here in SG), how will this work?

He seem to want to hike and travel all the time to take photos. Don’t I also like the outdoors & travelling? Isn’t that what draws me to him in the first place?

Knowing me, I would be bored by a conventional relationship. His sign (Taurus) and mine (Virgo) are a good astrology match hehe.

I don’t want to approach him with an agenda. I think everybody hates that and will have their shields up by default.

Just reach out with a friendly line like Celeste’s husband and ask questions like a normal person being curious about another person instead of starting with an agenda.

“How are you? Which other parts of Asia are you visiting?”

People remember how you make them feel.

Be open, friendly, casual. Then it’s up to him if he wants to get closer to me as well.

Is he my destiny? I guess we’ll only know in hindsight.

11 March msg him