[resilient95]

I’m so depressed. I’ll never understand how I even get out of bed. I think deep down I know that if I don’t, I never will. It’s hard to believe that just 8 years ago I nearly escaped. The universe decided for me, but truthfully, I didn’t want to stay. Everyday I live in a body that’s mine, but feels like it isn’t. I hate every inch of it..and everything it isn’t. I know I’ve got a great life on the outside looking in, but everyday I wish I had defied fate. I wish so badly that I had escaped.

J.A

[resilient95]

Am I breathing? Am I actually real? Am I just existing? Questions I’ll never be able to answer with certainty. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know what my existence means..if it means anything at all. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know my purpose on this earth. I’m not sure I’ll understand till I’m buried in the dirt. Maybe then I’ll transcend the beliefs of what I could’ve been, maybe only then I’ll realize I had some meaning, something I left in my path, something that matters.

will I ever matter? J.A.

[resilient95]

To this day I doubt, and doubt, and doubt

I don’t know what is worse..to find out I’ve made it all up, or that it was entirely true. Maybe, either answer would kill me inside even more. No matter what the truth is, I’ll never be the same. I’ll never know the person I could’ve been before you. Either way, I’ll never forgive you.

[resilient95]

and you deserve prison but you won’t get time

Taylor Swift TTPD

[resilient95]

You’ve taken everything from me.. mind, body, and soul. Will I ever just be human? Will I ever just be whole? I am so tired of grieving the soul that has been lost in fragments. Every piece of me that has died with every single time I tried to save you. You didn’t want saving, you just wanted me. You got your wish, I’m still suffering. I’ll never be whole, I’ll never be what you wanted, I’ll never fix your soul.

J.A

[resilient95]

Trauma..does it ever fade? All the embarrassment, hiding, and shame? It’s been years now, but the same cloud is still haunting me. Will I ever be just me? Or will I forever this phrase of “I’m sorry , but I am too hard to know?”

J.A

[resilient95]

Haven’t I grown too old? Too old to notice the little things? Too old to know how in my most miserable adolescence years that I’d probably feel the best I ever have? I miss the years of having nothing to lose. No choices, no options..just are you here, or are you out? I would’ve chosen out any day of the week..and sadly at 28, I can still say the same. Feels like getting older is just a place of acceptance. For some, that is being content..happy, for someone like me, it means riding all of the harsh waves till I hopefully drown someday. Depressing, but true. Some of us don’t get the happy ending we hope for I guess.

[resilient95]

I don’t know who I am anymore. Part of me wonders if the old me died, and nothing has come to replace it. Each time I try to heal, I am reborn, but the problem with rebirth means the next stage is death if you don’t hold onto that hope of recovery. So, here I am again, a shell of whoever that person was. Partially alive, mostly not..hoping that someday this cycle finds it’s end, but without me fighting, there is no end in sight, there no shred of light at the end of this tunnel.

-J.A

[resilient95]

I’m tired, but not the kind of tired you’d think. I’m tired, because my brain feels like it runs twenty miles every day. I’m tired, because it never stops. I’m tired as in, I can’t stop looking at the clock deciding if it’s time to eat yet, and if it’s not time, how much is left. My mind is consumed by the idea of hunger, wanting, and fearing it. I’d give anything to just be a child again, excited that mom was taking me for ice cream, not caring if it was ten in the morning, or seven in the evening. Only feeling the joy of a beautiful necessity that means you’re truly living. Yes, I’d give anything for that feeling again..

-ana came, innocence left J.A.

[resilient95]

I’ve lost so much of myself this past year. I’m not even sure who is looking back at me in the mirror anymore. That girl has shape shifted, turned into something she swore she had left behind the last treatment center doors. Promising herself that this was it, that she was ready to quit self destructing, and truly start living..but here I am yet again, and I can already hear the time bomb ticking.

-J.A.

[resilient95]

I can see the elephant in the room every-time I look at myself in the mirror. We don’t talk about it, but we both know you hear my silent screams each time you watch me eat. But maybe, you don’t notice anymore, maybe this hell I’ve created is our new normal, maybe you want to believe I’m going to find my way out of this like I have before..or maybe we just won’t talk about it till we can’t ignore it any longer.

-J.A.

[resilient95]

I’ve always felt god had abandoned me when I was 15. I remember crying out on the bathroom floor saying to please help me if you’re listening. My cries went unanswered and I continued to unravel inside. I try to not think about it, because then anger comes boiling to the surface. Don’t they say in church we are all his children? So why would you leave me when I was broken?

J.A

[resilient95]

I say I don’t want to be here, but what I think I really mean is that I want to go back to when I was 6. Before the world and the people in it left me scarred. Before I ruined my own flesh and nearly stripped myself to the bone. Back when things felt light, beautiful, and I felt at home in my body. A time before I knew who I would be. A time where I actually believed I could be anything I wanted to be.

J.A.

[resilient95]

I feel like a broken down toy under a childhood bed, wondering if anyone is coming back to claim me..to wipe off my dust, and say I’m worth saving.

-J.A.

[resilient95]

I’m so tired of preaching kindness, and empathy, when in reality nobody actually gives a fuck about me.

-J.A.

[resilient95]

All I care about is numbers anymore. I’m so sorry I’m not who I was before. I’ve lost myself down a rabbit hole of calories, exercise, and starvation. I don’t know if there will be anything left to salve of the old me when I’m done. I wish you had listened to me 5 years ago when I told you to run, run far away from me.

-eating disorders and relationships J.A.

[resilient95]

I miss a lot of different people that I’ve never met. I miss all the people I could’ve known, all the love I could’ve of felt, instead of wasting my years being so fucking sad. I miss who I could’ve been, I miss what I never was, and most of all I miss feeling like I still had time to figure things out. I’m not 15 anymore, I’m 26, with new scars, deeper pain, a ghost of a person who has left no imprint on the world. I miss the lifetime I could’ve lived, the years I missed, and all the years I’ll probably miss again, because I am still fucking sad.

J.A.