things aren’t going terribly
the past week was rough in some ways, i think i had too many expectations and that always makes me more crazy than it actually helps. so i’m learning how to let those go. i’m learning how to let go.
i *finally* made more fixer, i made some developer and began to develop the 4x5 films from ellie’s portraits, louise’s portraits, some self-portraits and even some community day portraits. i fucked up a whole batch though, i think i accidentally set the timer 5 minutes too long and there were no images at all at the end. i did good though. i just let it go. i hope to finish developing all those 4x5s by tonight so i can make some contact prints and see what’s worth printing.
idk. 4x5 is calling my name again. ironically enough, right after i got the hass as a gift. maybe that’s why i’m ignoring it. james fucked me up on that idea of showing the camera who is boss. it’s me. i’ve also been thinking a lot about portraits. i’m going to make fotos of lifers at DCI. i’m nervous about it. i need to shoot a lot of portraits so that when the time comes, i don’t fuck it up. whatever that means. so i’ve been planning for thaaaaat.
i ordered more film developer, some more binders to hold the negs and prints, more 400 iso 120 film and fixer. this time i paid for it. $92 god damn dollars. whatever.
i’m taking for the first time ever, a visual arts class where i have to draw. it’s with forest, who i really really really really like as a professor. i like talking to him too. anyways, being in that class has been really good for my ego. it’s destroying it which is what i need. starting from nothing. no expectations. i’m okay with being shitty. i don’t need a reason of why to draw stuff. it’s just so i can do it more and more and get better. whatever that means. and so i realized that i don’t fucking need a reason to take pictures. just cause. the more i do it. the better. whatever that means. i think james has been trying to drill that into my head for a while now. funny how a lot of the things he has said to me have stuck even though they don’t make sense until way later on. it’s weird how i feel like i’m totally on my own now. i know he’s busy. he has a kid. a family. a class. a job. yada yada. he’s really been the force that has pushed me through all this time and now i’m figuring out how to be that source for myself. it’s scary sometimes. this whole fucking thing is. i guess it’s why i keep doing it. in a way, i like it. it’s this big void that i can’t make sense of. i’m not sure i ever really want to.
there’s some things that are starting to make sense. for now. whatever that means.
a photo really can be anything. kinda how there’s no right way to live your life, there’s no right way to take a photo. or be a photographer. you can’t emulate other’s truths, you gotta find your own. and that’s a hard pill to swallow. cause there ain’t no right or wrong. it’s all this big ambiguous mess that means absolutely nothing but what you want it to.
also. seeing is more than looking. it’s what you’re thinking about. how you’re feeling. what your dreams are. i like thinking about different ideas. thoughts. it’s like the whole crafting of my being is just as much a contribution to my photography than anything. of course there’s the shooting and the developing and the printing but it’s also about me. who i am.
what kind of pictures do i want to see in the world?
those are questions that pop up in my head but i can’t get tooooo bogged down on them cause then they inhibit me. but they’re worth throwing out there.
i’ve been listening to podcasts of interviews with photographers. its comforting to hear that they are all so different. i’m different from them. so there is a place for me in this world. in the world of fotos.
anyways. just a ramble like always but who fucking cares, at least i’m writing.
it’s monday and i’m so god damn grateful for the darkroom.
for the paradox of infinite death.
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