thinking out loud ✍︎
nobody likes to read sad sh*t. the only sad content i can think of that anyone willingly consumes is music and films, if and when they’re in that zone. however, i’m not writing this out for an audience to read or consume. not even myself. if livejournal was still a thing, it’s the kind of post i’d relegate to live there—untouched and isolated as the soul who typed it out. thus… tumblr. a medium as innocuous, underrated, and unproblematic as yours truly feels. it also offers an unintentional metaphor for how invisible and disconnected i feel from everyone on every other social network. why even post there? to prove to potential employers i’m ‘real’ only to inevitably scare them off with my candid, pluto-opposite-mercury nature? how insufferable.
atm it’s 8:30 PM PST on halloween; the very day that's animated my soul since birth—serving as my fav time of year, the blueprint for my personality, and one of a few things i consistently looked forward to each year. as much as i live laugh love everything spooky, nothing in my tumultuous lifetime prepared me for this. for the most terrifying, uncertain, and dark (think ‘vanta black’) era of this incarnation. i’ve been isolated in my room (that initially i was jokingly-to-mask-my-bottomless-sorrow* calling the “prison realm” a la jujutsu kaisen) for so irreversibly long, that on the rare occasion i do venture outside of it, it’s either to refill my water at 4 AM or to take out some trash. the latter i've increasingly avoided, as now being exposed to the outside world triggers so many emotions** i’m usually tearing up before i get back inside. *tell me you’re a sag rising/scorpio 12th houser w/o telling me you’re a sag rising/scorpio 12th houser
** i.e. “i used to love this time of year. i remember i used to get to do XYZ with XYZ and things felt carefree and blissful compared to now—even knowing how much anxiety and depression i was dealing with back then. i’ll never feel those simple joys again. i don’t even deserve to tbh. i’ve never been enough. for myself, in my relationships, for my employers… for anything. if i can’t even get a goddamn job washing plates in a dingy bar to afford a meal, what right do i have to be out here among ‘the living,’ casually experiencing the world and allowing the world to experience me—unfiltered. while i know my inherent and intrinsic worth isn’t based on financial status—or what i can do, give, or offer to others—that knowledge doesn’t amount to sh*t within the capitalist hellscape we created. embracing the idea of unconditional self-love, not needing to ‘deserve’ happiness, and/or ‘being enough’ regardless of circumstance = cultural suicide, essentially. or a three-step plan toward being houseless. (ironically, i’m almost there even without all that ‘being nice to me.’) maybe we really are all ‘fated to pretend,’ as the prophets MGMT sang. idk why we so violently cling to life when it’s ultimately never been more than chasing carrots on a treadmill with a gaping blackhole behind you. why was i cursed with a brain that thinks like this, anyway? did i do enough so that at the very least in my next life i might be so privileged as to deserve a brain that someone could truly love? ‘my next life’… lol. my 12th house planets in scorpio + neptune rising blatantly show my daily struggle to even be here for this life—why would i look forward to another? i want off this ride jfc…” < emotions like that 🤗
anyway, so why am i shaking my fist at god™ and kvetching online to no one in particular? who cares? (empathy and the internet are like oil and water, i fear.) i suppose because i’m so emotionally backed up it’s either this or become an even bigger problem to myself and innocent souls around me. behold one of my gravest, life-long fears: taking up any space whatsoever. there’s an old taking back sunday lyrics that’s lived in my frontal lobe rent-free since the first time i heard it bc GOD if i don’t know the feeling…
“the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt” — taking back sunday (you’re so last summer)
basically my entire existence for most of 2023 and 2024 (or longer) has been running ‘damage control’ for everyone else while walking a tightrope blindfolded with no safety net doing my v best to emulate a human who wants to be here. or who fits in. or who has a snowflake’s chance in hell of being understood or loved unconditionally beyond a walk-on part in a background shot of a movie i’m not in. for years i’ve wrestled with whether or not i’m even ‘real’ to the point stupid things like the fact 98% of my past relationships carefully hid me from their social media (IG posts, stories, etc.) traumatized me... #redflags101
i haven’t had any meds since june now (not sure they were rlly doing anything, besides my ADHD medication—which honestly due to the shortage was causing insane anxiety attempting fill 'em each month). haven't had any insurance, for that matter... i managed a debilitating toothache for weeks by taking 8x 200mg ibuprofen a day—which is…not recommended. not only did i find out i can’t even afford to file for bankruptcy, but after being 80% finished with the paperwork they hit me with "it’s highly recommended not to file if you have no income." WHICH IS WHY I EVEN HAVE TO FILE IN THE FIRST PLACE LIKE? unemployment = a joke. tried applying again only to learn they have to MAIL me a ‘code’ (which can take a week) before i can even log in to FILE ...and then—IF they even approve me—it’d take 3-4 weeks to receive any funds. (note to self: next time i wanna avoid being evicted due to unemployment, make sure to plan out being laid off months in advance… L O L) it gets better when you learn that i’m so backed up on bills i don’t even have anywhere to send money in the first place! my only checking account is over $400 in the hole…so the SECOND any $ hits, about 8 different debt collectors are going to snatch that right back out faster than i can buy a loaf of bread. so where does all that leave me? no income. no prospects. nowhere to even send income if i had it (other than venmo, of all places—the one liminal ‘account’ i have that ‘autopay’ can’t rob. it is owned by paypal, though, one of my debtors—so who knows how long that’ll last.) the only reason that i’m not posting this from a tent is my sole remaining meaningful bond: a roommate and confidant too good for this world—and the last person that should have to shoulder rent for two (and, understandably, couldn’t sustain that even if she wanted).
my estranged family can’t help—they live on the complete opposite coast of the country (a ‘poetic’ metaphor for how distant we’ve been in every other way throughout my life) and are dealin with hurricanes, aren’t exactly Jeff Bezos-wealthy themselves, and tbh don’t owe me a thing just bc we’re related. (s/o to my father—who while struggling himself, did wire me a couple hundred $. while i haven’t managed to be able pick it up yet, it at least gives me a prospect for not starving just yet once i do make the pilgrimage to get it. also, unrelated, an amazing individual i had the privilege of working with for years back in indy sent me an offering out of the blue that means more than i'm able to express.)
i’ll spare you (as in the tumblr server, bc there’s no way a human's still reading this lol) the absolute nightmare job searching has been. take everything else out of the picture and it’d still be enough to make me want to unalive on its own. the state of it only seems to get worse by the week. scam jobs, human resources are now all inhuman (L O L at the computers we type on being the ones to decide our fate/whether we deserve to earn a living), nobody follows up/gets back to you, and the absolutely absurd # of hoops one has to jump through to even be considered worthy of conversing with a human for a minimum wage job is a parody. it all may as well be an SNL skit/game show. a game i decidedly am fed up auditioning/trying to be ‘enough’ for.
i did my first tarot pull in at least a year (but feels like several) earlier tn. just a quick three-card shot. nothin fancy. 1) what’s been blocking my path, 2) what’s the current climate, and 3) what’s the move going forward. plus i always like to peep the card at the bottom of the deck as a sort of underlying vibe/energy/tone—nothing specific; more like insight into the current state of mind. i used my first tarot deck and it didn't disappoint. i don’t think i could be much more disappointed, so i guess what i mean is it was like putting on a pair of prescription lens you haven’t worn in years and finding they're still flawlessly accurate. but as the saying goes regarding pharmaceuticals—“pills don’t give skills”—chemicals can make symptoms easier to manage, but there's no magic ‘cure’ for the root. AKA—it is nice to have a ‘destination’ in mind, but it doesn’t make it an iota easier to find your way there. else we’d be there already ...right? i mean... you don’t have to tell hungry people they need to eat …you need to show 'em how to get food. it was still nice doing something that the husk formerly known as jãson used to enjoy (tarot pulls), but a proper perspective is prob the only variable we rlly exercise any real ‘control’ over (to an extent). we don’t have to view it as being a victim, but we're dead wrong if we deny we are all at the mercy of something beyond our understanding/reach. for more scientific proof, look up what mother nature does to all the opulent cities and skyscrapers capitalism has championed.
on that note—when whatever that thing is doesn’t seem to want you around (and your very existence has always felt like a wine stain on a wedding dress) every breath you take is a civil war...
