Risuave’s Random Blog

Random life observations, thoughts, rantings and ramblings of a 30 year old voice actor. Don't forget to love each other!

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[risuave]

A big thanks to Bethany whose daily conversations helped shape these thoughts this week. Thanks for constantly taking the time for a guy like me and continuing to inspire.

For Brad.

A little over a week ago I joined Andrea Toyias for a live Zoom hangout (the link for which is on my Facebook and IG) and she talked about what it really means to be an actor. What it means to truly enter that world and get into that headspace. I’ve had some thoughts on that.

So often we hear people talk about the thing we love to do as “not a real job.” “It’s easy,” people say, “you just say lines someone else wrote and get paid a lot of money.” They say we’re “too much” and “a lot to deal with” because of how open we are. How emotional we are.

And expressing all of that? Talking about our traumas? Exploring the darker parts of our psyche? Forget it! That shit gets shut down real fast. It’s inappropriate. It makes people uncomfortable. It’s chalked up as “bitching” or “complaining.” We're told to "get over it."

But it’s the very things that so many people tell us *not* to be that makes us who we are. It’s those uncomfortable, impossible, real situations that make this a job that is emotionally challenging in ways they will never understand.

How many people are willing to embrace every single part of who they are; the good and the bad? How many people are willing to look into the darker parts of themselves and make peace? How many people are willing to open those boxes we seek to hide away? To face our whole selves?

What defines you in this world isn’t how many nationals you've booked. It isn’t how many AAA games you’ve worked on or what awards you’ve won. What defines you is your ability to be the MOST human. To be able to draw on and experience every aspect, good and bad, of being human.

Not the BEST human, because there are some people that live fully who are utter shit human beings, but the MOST human. To be able to say “I am grateful for the things that every day I wake up and wish never happened.” The things that give you empathy. The scars that make you...you

You are the soul healers. The dream makers. The mirrors reflecting back people’s true selves, and boy oh BOY do people not like that. So few live as fully as you do. So few can accept themselves as who they are. Can love themselves fully or complete themselves without another.

So keep being “too much.” Keep living fully and keep being a walking human story. Make people uncomfortable. Keep being the most human you can be and wear the ugly parts of you with the same pride that you wear the good stuff. It's hard, yes. But it's also the path to true joy.

Besides, the people that can’t handle that aren't the people you want to surround yourself with anyway. They’re the ones longing to be as free, as beautiful, as you. They are the ones who wish they could do what you do. After all: if it was easy, anyone could do what we do.

[risuave]

You were Superman.

Do you remember?

You soared through the heavens, the skyscrapers beneath you little more than specks. You fought for a better world. Villain’s trembled at the very mention of your name. You were a hero. A legend. A symbol of hope.

There was no doubt in your mind. No distortion, only conviction. You weren’t a kid pretending to be Superman on the playground, asking everyone around you if what you were doing was “right” or “believable.” You weren’t playing a part. You just WERE Superman.

But then…something changed.

You grew up, and the world around you began to change you. Culture told you that you were just ordinary, or worse: convinced you that there was something wrong with you. A committee of clowns took up residency in your head and made you second guess every single decision. So you hung up your cape and bent to the world around you. You put aside things like purpose and passion and set out to fit in. 

To try and be “enough.”

2020 tested all of us in ways that no one could have predicted. So many people have lost their jobs. So many people have lost their homes. So many people have become sick in so many ways: spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally. So many have stared death square in the face for so long (Kristina and Nick: you two know just how true that personally was). And so many were taken. So many are left grieving the loss of a loved one. To COVID. To their inner demons. To the bleakness of 2020.

But if you’re reading this, you’re still here. If you’re reading this you are still fighting. Days may feel like never-ending struggles. They may leave you questioning if you will ever truly heal. But you’re still here. Whether you came out of 2020 full of personal growth or you’re less together than you were 366 days ago, you are here. You are still here, full of that same life and hope and fire that propelled you through the blue sky. No matter what the darker voices tell you in your mind, you are here because you are MEANT to be here. You belong here. You are needed here.

You are enough.

And the world needs you to pick up that cape again.

The world needs you to find that purpose once again. The world needs you to not play small in order to fit into the binds it tried to confine you in. It needs you to look in the mirror each and every day and say “I love you.” The world needs you to feel, to cry, to laugh, to *not* be ok, and to know that that’s ok. To be mindful and compassionate. The world needs you to be all of you.

The world is crying out for you. To live in purpose. To follow your passions. To build a better world for yourself, and in doing so show others the way. 

The world needs you to remember:

You are Superman.

[risuave]

Blog 13- They matter

“Took you long enough.”

Startled, I looked up. I was so engrossed in my little world I didn’t realize that Kristina had finished in the shower, her blue hair still slightly damp. Such mundane sights had become almost routine; with there being no AC in my room back home, I’d taken to spending a lot of time over in her well-cooled apartment. Still, the “I’m seeing you” grin on her face was…unexpected. After all, sitting at her table with my laptop open wasn’t exactly a rare sight.

“What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes in the way only she could. “The song. You’re finally actually singing. Not, like, that quiet thing you do but actually singing.”

In all honesty, I hadn’t noticed. “Hey there, Delilah” wasn’t exactly a song I had in my repertoire. In fact, I had only recently heard it again when making a playlist in a house in upstate New York. Yet there I was, singing as if I’d said the words a thousand times. Singing loudly. Singing fully. To me, it was nothing new: mindlessly singing while gaming was something I had done often in front of Kristina. Yet somehow, this time was different. And it was only after she pointed it out to me that I realized she was right.

I smiled sheepishly, “I guess you’re right.”

With a knowing twinkle in her eye, she walked away, the grin still on her face.

I’ve been thinking about that seemingly mundane conversation a lot these past few weeks. About how the people around you, especially those closest to you, notice when something about you is…different. When suddenly your energy is different. Better. And how that energy affects them as well. Suddenly you’re singing louder and people are singing with you. You’re laughing fuller and they’re laughing with you. You’re dancing not like no one’s watching but like you’re freaking Beyonce and people want to see you. I’ve been thinking about how something different in your environment can change so much about you. 

How one person can change everything.

Because in so many ways, Julia changed everything.

Julia and I first crossed paths on one of my many trips to New York. We immediately hit it off: I was quickly taken by her wit, her charm, and her seemingly boundless optimism. Within hours we were already planning out the next few years. Within days we were sharing our most intimate secrets. What could have so easily become one of a thousand stories of two people rushing into the whirl of emotions became life-altering. In Julia, I found a person who I felt comfortable just being…me around. Who sang at the top of her lungs on crowded streets and encouraged me to do the same. Who viewed life as a never-ending adventure and helped me see it again. Someone who never once, even as a joke, poked fun at my passions or my ideas but only ever encouraged them. Who dragged me to her house and played the piano while I sang because “even if you don’t sing well, I love to hear you sing.”

Such a force, such a person, could only have a positive effect on me. And before long I’d be singing at top volume in Kristina’s apartment; not caring one whit about what she thought or disturbing the neighbors or anything. Just comfortable being me.

Somewhere along the line, we forget that. In a world constantly telling us to be a certain way, act a certain way, we lose ourselves in the process. We so readily conform to our environments to please the most amount of people. We strive for the validation of a thousand people and in doing so fail to validate ourselves. Julia helped remind me of that. She reminded me of lessons the people closest in my life so often taught me. She continued to teach me until the very end.

Looking back one year after her passing, it’s hard not to think about the influence she still holds in my life. The stands that were taken. The people I’ve opened up to more. The ones I walked away from. The ones I still, perhaps foolishly, fight to get back to where they once were. The opportunities that I have opened up. The healing process is long, and I’ve hurt plenty of people and made plenty of mistakes along the way. I’m sure I’m going to continue to do so.

Yet because of her, because of her life and her death, I understand just how important the people in my life are to cultivating the environment I want. People like Carrie, Kyle, and Nick who I grow with, who see me at my best and my worst and still stay and allow me to reciprocate. People who came before like Joe and Julia who left behind lessons as to what to seek in the people I bring close and what to strive to be like for anyone I allow into my life. These people help me to mature. To grow. To avoid toxic people, to seek out people who will fulfill me, and the insight to understand the difference. And that effect cascades.

The people in your life influence your environment. Your environment influences your actions. Your actions influence your reality. A shitty environment, filled with toxic partners and people who leech off your energy like a battery, will lead to a shitty life. A life that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. A life you long to escape. But when you surround yourself with people who encourage you. People who don’t pat you on the back and tell you what a good person you are when you’re shitty but instead gently encourage you to grow. People who shine a light on your positive aspects even when you don’t see them. Who support you, who cheer you on and encourage those pursuits that they see give your life purpose and joy. Well, then the ball starts rolling. 

A year later, I am fully immersed in a career I only ever dreamed of having. I talk loudly for a living. I dance like everyone pays to see me and sing like I’m Sinatra. I stopped writing and talking about injustice and the things I “wish” I could do to change things and actually started doing them. And it stemmed from her. From a girl who would play the piano while I sang. Whose lasting gift was a reminder that even when she went to finally meet Joe and dance among the stars with him, the people that are still here, the family and the friends, would continue to give me that very same gift. If I let them.

It took me a while, and on plenty of days I still fail. But I finally started listening. 

The people you keep in your world matter. The person you are in someone else’s world matters. Change your environment, and you can change your entire world. 

Julia certainly changed mine.

[risuave]

BLOG 11- The Tree

Shout out to the few roots in my life. You may be few and far between, but I wouldn’t be where I am on my journey without you. You make me more than happy: you make me better.

Tyler Perry once made an analogy that has stuck with me for a long time. He said there are three types of people in your life: the leaves, the branches, and the roots. To start this little venture into observing and altering our environments to allow ourselves to grow, I want to get you to think about these kinds of people in your life.

First up are the leaves. They’re beautiful in the beginning. Essential. Ephemeral. And yet when the wind blows, they blow away with it. When the seasons change, they change. Think of these as your connections that burn hot and bright and beautiful but, ultimately, have no substance. Eventually, they fall away.

Think of the people you had in your life who were like this. Those people who you thought were destined to be there forever. The brightest and most beautiful of fires that just as suddenly, just as heartbreakingly, burned away. Left you with nothing but lessons and memories.

Remember: these people are beautiful and essential, but they are gone nonetheless. Yet to run away from people like that, to try and keep them out of your environment would be devastating. You needed them in the time that you needed them. They helped you grow then. Even though it may hurt they helped bring you where you are today. If you detach and appreciate them for what they truly were instead of what you wished them to be, you can find peace.

Next, we have the branches. Now, THESE are fun. These are unintentionally deceptive people, the ones who can really do some damage. And nine times out of ten they really don’t mean to; they usually have pure intentions. They are the ones who you really let into your heart. They are the ones who you begin to believe are your very good friends. Maybe even your “person.” You certainly can think of the people who have said things like:

“I’ll always be there for you.”

“Call me whenever and you KNOW I’ll be there”

“You can trust me with these loved ones.”

And then, because you’re a human who needs somebody sometimes, that time comes. You turn around to look for their support. You make that call and say “I need you for this.” You trust them with the ones you love. And then…

…nothing. All empty. All hollow.

These people are the ones that hurt the most. The ones who leave the deepest scars if we let them. Who can do the most damage to you and those you care about. Unintentionally, rarely maliciously, yet damage nonetheless.

Now before you go looking at those people in your life, remember: we’ve all been like this to someone. And we’ve all had this done to us. We are all humans: we all have shortcomings that prevent us from being our ideal self of service. Yet it is important to see these people as they are, not as we wish they were. It is important to surround ourselves with the people who genuinely contribute to our emotional, physical, and mental health instead of the people we want to do that for us. In forgiving yourself for the moments you came up short, you can find empathy and forgive those who did the same to you. Yet you can also realize these people aren’t truly meant for the role they claim, and you can let them go in your heart. Of course, they’ll still be "friends." If we were to cut away every branch, every acquaintance and every friend who wasn’t the be-all-end-all…well, we’d all be very lonely. But learn to see these people as they are, and respond accordingly. Focus on what they do and how they actually treat you: not what they say. As you so often hear: “if they wanted to reach out, they would.” So stop expecting a branch to talk to you every day. That roll is for another.

Which brings us to the roots. Your “people.” These are the relationships that go through everything, and I do mean everything. For me, the person I immediately think of is Carrie. A relationship that can go months, even years, with conflict or fighting and yet come back and grow from it. These are the people worth keeping, the ones who actually stand strong even in your darkest moments. The ones who grow and push you to grow instead of keeping you in the same place to make yourself and them feel better. These are the people who don’t just hear your stories, good or ill but are a part of them. These are the ones worth fighting for, the ones that hold you even when the harshest winds. They’ll tell you the truths you don’t want to hear and, if you let them, give you the love and support needed to flourish.

It’s ironic, however, that so often these are the relationships we neglect. The ones we take for granted or even take advantage of. And I get why: They’re not the flashy ones or the ones that have you taking selfies on the couch at 4 AM all the time. They’re not the ones who make your heart flutter or are exciting. They are the ones that make you…you. And in a world where we’re so often trying to escape that, it’s only natural that we’d neglect the people that are so essential to our growth. Remember: in life, you can have a million leaves that come, teach you something, and go. You can find hundreds of branches: the good people with good intentions who ultimately aren’t equipped or able to handle a true relationship. Yet it is the roots, those few precious people, who nourish you and give you what you need. Hold on to those people as tight as you can.

Look around your life as to who those people are. I mean really look. Stop asking yourself who you wish was a root or who you think is like a root and who is actually a root in your life. See the world in truth, and when you see those people, cherish those relationships. And know that it is ok to let the rest go, no matter how sad or painful it may be.

In the end, you can’t change the people around you. But you can change the people you are around.

- V

[risuave]

Blog #10- Words from the Wise

Shout out to all the people who have appeared to help me find the light in darker times. From Carrie to Nick, from Julie to Kyle It’s an honor to share the gift you have and continue to give me.

“I feel emotionally depleted. The last year has been a constant trauma roller coaster and I would very much like to get off.”

One of my VO peers tweeted this recently, and boy oh boy does that hit home. I mean THINK about it: this year on a global scale we got stuck with a global pandemic, Tiger King, violence on our streets, a toxic global environment and cultural heroes just dying left and right. And that doesn’t even BEGIN to get into the personal drains. Relationships strained and broken. Jobs taken. Wages lost. Worlds shattered by loss: to COVID, to time, to accidents. This darkness is seeping into our very psyche; it’s affecting our consciousness and, in so doing, affecting our world. It’s a vicious feedback loop.

Personally, this week has been depleting even by 2020 standards. Losing friends. Watching friends lose family. Watching people lose what they once thought was their entire world. Seeing anger and that “I’m fucking DONE” mentality on the streets firsthand. It’s been enough to make anyone want to curl up and shut down, I know I found myself feeling that way this week.

Yet even in moments like this, perhaps ESPECIALLY in moments like this, I find myself looking for the light. In the inspirations and conversations with friends and family. In reading and re-reading passages from idols and inspirations. In seeking the wisdom of those who are no longer with me, whose examples I constantly seek to emulate.

So today, I’m ceding this blog to the words of my inspirations: Chadwick Boseman in the photo and John Lewis in the words (you can read John’s essay on the other socials.) The photo above is from a text Chadwick Boseman sent out a few weeks into quarantine. Even in the darkest of moments; a fucking pandemic and the immediate shut down after, Chadwick was looking at the beauty in the world. In the darkest of moments, Chadwick was able to find the light. His life, his viewpoint, is one that’s always been inspiring and a proper legacy he leaves behind not just for those that knew him, but to all.

As for the words themselves, I’ve chosen to print out the words of the final essay of John Lewis and the challenge he left behind for us. The hope he has given us. I hope, in your own way, you can take comfort in his final charge to us all.

For hope, and the knowledge that her there is always the light.

-V

“While my time here has now come to an end, I want you to know that in the last days and hours of my life you inspired me. You filled me with hope about the next chapter of the great American story when you used your power to make a difference in our society. Millions of people motivated simply by human compassion laid down the burdens of division. Around the country and the world you set aside race, class, age, language and nationality to demand respect for human dignity.

That is why I had to visit Black Lives Matter Plaza in Washington, though I was admitted to the hospital the following day. I just had to see and feel it for myself that, after many years of silent witness, the truth is still marching on.

Emmett Till was my George Floyd. He was my Rayshard Brooks, Sandra Bland and Breonna Taylor. He was 14 when he was killed, and I was only 15 years old at the time. I will never ever forget the moment when it became so clear that he could easily have been me. In those days, fear constrained us like an imaginary prison, and troubling thoughts of potential brutality committed for no understandable reason were the bars.

Though I was surrounded by two loving parents, plenty of brothers, sisters and cousins, their love could not protect me from the unholy oppression waiting just outside that family circle. Unchecked, unrestrained violence and government-sanctioned terror had the power to turn a simple stroll to the store for some Skittles or an innocent morning jog down a lonesome country road into a nightmare. If we are to survive as one unified nation, we must discover what so readily takes root in our hearts that could rob Mother Emanuel Church in South Carolina of her brightest and best, shoot unwitting concertgoers in Las Vegas and choke to death the hopes and dreams of a gifted violinist like Elijah McClain.

Like so many young people today, I was searching for a way out, or some might say a way in, and then I heard the voice of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on an old radio. He was talking about the philosophy and discipline of nonviolence. He said we are all complicit when we tolerate injustice. He said it is not enough to say it will get better by and by. He said each of us has a moral obligation to stand up, speak up and speak out. When you see something that is not right, you must say something. You must do something. Democracy is not a state. It is an act, and each generation must do its part to help build what we called the Beloved Community, a nation and world society at peace with itself.

Ordinary people with extraordinary vision can redeem the soul of America by getting in what I call good trouble, necessary trouble. Voting and participating in the democratic process are key. The vote is the most powerful nonviolent change agent you have in a democratic society. You must use it because it is not guaranteed. You can lose it.

You must also study and learn the lessons of history because humanity has been involved in this soul-wrenching, existential struggle for a very long time. People on every continent have stood in your shoes, through decades and centuries before you. The truth does not change, and that is why the answers worked out long ago can help you find solutions to the challenges of our time. Continue to build union between movements stretching across the globe because we must put away our willingness to profit from the exploitation of others.

Though I may not be here with you, I urge you to answer the highest calling of your heart and stand up for what you truly believe. In my life I have done all I can to demonstrate that the way of peace, the way of love and nonviolence is the more excellent way. Now it is your turn to let freedom ring.

When historians pick up their pens to write the story of the 21st century, let them say that it was your generation who laid down the heavy burdens of hate at last and that peace finally triumphed over violence, aggression and war. So I say to you, walk with the wind, brothers and sisters, and let the spirit of peace and the power of everlasting love be your guide.”

- John Lewis

[risuave]

Blog 9- The Mental World, Explained 

This week’s shout out goes to the people who help me get out of the mental space and into the physical world. Specifically, all the people in the VO world who literally made it my job.

So a few people who reach out to me about the blog from last week (which is super cool) and a lot of people were fascinated by or flat-out confused by the idea I brought up of the “mental” world. So today I wanted to delve into it a bit: what it is, where it crops up, and how it ties into what we’ve been discussing so far.

In a general sense, the mental world is no different than the dreaded “happiness-at-all-cost” space that so many of us try to cling to. It’s the space of ego. The space of power. And the reason for it is because it is the place where “perfect” comes from. Not actual perfect; as I keep saying, perfect is human and flawed. No, the mental world is the place where the idea of “perfect” comes from. It’s the space where you do no wrong ever. It’s the place where every action you take is the right one and everyone around you is the fuck up. It’s the place where every conversation goes EXACTLY the way you think, so you’ve already pre-set the moves. You know how someone will react, how to counter, what they’re going to say, and the way to get them to feel the way you want. Here, you are always in control. Or you’re not. Perhaps you see the conversation going poorly, you know someone is going to be difficult and you think that no matter what you say or do, you’re going to get nowhere.

 See the problem with the mental world yet? 

For people with the self-critical voice, this space can rear its ugly head at work. You already know the character is going to pale to someone ELSE’s character. You already know you’re not getting picked. In this world, it’s a waste of time. In this world, they’re always just scoffing. You’re always good, just not good enough. Or, conversely, the world is in your palm. You know when you hit that line the audience is going to ROAR with laughter. You know where to turn, the best wink, the quip to charm them all. And in the mental world, they’re always charmed.

In relationships, this appears in the space of loving or hating the idea of someone. You build a picture of your friend, your girlfriend, your family member in your head. They’re the person who does that thing you love. Who is charming. Who is charismatic. Who makes you feel alive and if only X, Y, and Z wasn’t a thing they’d be perfect. If they would do A, B, and C they would be the perfect person to have in your life. 

Get how it all connects?

All of the things from the above, from the relationships to the work, come from a space that DOES NOT EXIST. You ever see that quote on the internet about how there are a million different versions of you in people’s heads? That happens because every single person is doing the exact same thing: they are creating a reality in their head that has no immediate bearing on the world around them. One person may think you’re Lucifer in the flesh, another may think you’re the greatest thing in the world. Those realities, though? They have no real bearing on who you are. They don’t determine how you act, they don’t determine what you do, where you come from, etc. Same goes for you, you wonderfully human ball of ego. Those thoughts you feel about interactions don’t magically make them go that way. Those relationships aren’t working on the idea of someone. Just because we *feel* something is true doesn’t *make* it true. The mental world you create is not the actual reality that we all inhabit.

Until it does.

Because no doubt you’ve hit that moment where the two worlds collide. No doubt you have that lurching sensation when you hit that line and the audience doesn’t laugh. No doubt you’ve begun to spiral when someone doesn’t respond the way you thought they in a conversation and you suddenly have no idea where to go. No doubt you’ve had the emotional hurricane when you hit the disconnect of “why does this person that I see as being like this acts in a way that doesn’t fit that notion?” When you allow those thoughts to bleed into actions, when you try to force the world to fit into how you see it, the results tend to be rather…unpleasant.

This is one of the central reasons for doing the work of bringing yourself to the present. This is why this theme keeps appearing in what I write. When we allow ourselves to let go of that stuff, when we find ourselves able to act based on the world in front of us and not the one in our mind, our relationship with the world becomes so much better. We allow ourselves the freedom from so much unnecessary burden. So allow those thoughts to come, acknowledge them, and let them go. Accept that everything you *didn’t* do is always going to feel “better” than what you actually did. Accept that, despite what those voices are telling you, there are things you just don’t actually know AND THAT’S OK. Accept that to gain control in your world you first need to let go and stop forcing your mental world into the world around you. Because people aren’t going to be what you want them to be just because you paint them that way in your head, no matter what your ego tells you.

So give yourself a little freedom. Trust me, it feels great.

-V

[risuave]

Blog #8: Voices in my Head Again

Today’s shout out goes to Jay Shetty & Dr. Daniel Amen for their discussion on the brain and for this particular exercise.

Special shout out to Kristina on her special day. Get those gifts like you’re looting a boss in a DnD campaign!!

So over the past few weeks, I’ve been talking about a great many different aspects. And sure, from a “high minded” perspective, things sound so easy. Of course, I should live in truth! Self-love? Hell yeah, sign me up! Accepting my own toxicity and slowing down my ego? Yes PLEASE!

Of course, it’s all great on paper. But as every person who is breathing knows: such ideals, such things are so much easier said than done. There’s just one problem: our brains and our minds. The voices are actually real: we may not actually physically hear them as some do, but that nagging self-doubt is real. That voice making excuses is real. That ultra-critical asshole telling you all the things you did wrong is real. And guess what? It’s not just you: even when you feel like it is, that’s just not true. Everyone has them. Everyone gets to deal with them.

The thing is that as humans, we’ve sort of had it engrained from us from the very beginning that we’re supposed to shut that stuff down. We’re supposed to “control” our humanity. Men are told to “be cool” because “men are always stoic and not the ones that can let shit bother them.” Women are told to “act like a lady.” 

So we clamp down, we control, we keep that shit locked down. And the result is that things just always feel HARDER. We become hunters, always looking for something to go wrong so that we can stop it from going wrong. Fun thing about that is that when you’re always looking for a problem, everything becomes a problem, and then you’re ACTUALLY going to have a problem. 

 One of the things this leads to the most is what I call the “self-sabotage of the easy.” Hear a thousand songs about the hustle, hear about a million successful people who went through hard times and it becomes ingrained in your brain that easy is wrong. Easy is bad. For some, if their job is easy the voices say that CLEARLY, something is just wrong: they feel they need to walk because it’s not ‘fulfilling’ or they’re clearly messing up somehow. If a relationship just feels easy; if communication is easy and the worst of fights are tampered by healthy boundaries and communication, then that voice tells you that something is just fucking WRONG and the other shoe is sure to drop. People are inherently TERRIFIED of easy. But you know what makes things easy? Being GOOD at them. Learning good communication. Learning self-love and self-control. When people walk away from healthy relationships or good work, it’s usually because, without evidence, they fear a problem. The world in your mind I talked about last week starts to imprint on the physical world, and before you know it you’ve ruined something really great. Take it from a guy with a lot of experience: self-sabotage is a bitch.

Embracing the contradictions and the chaos of humanity helps address all of that. Things are easy BECAUSE things were hard, you put in the work to learn and to grow, and you made it easier: not because it changed, but because you did (no matter WHAT that self-critical voice is telling you.) Trying to fight that, to control it, is foolish and harmful. True control doesn’t come from trying to squeeze something tight and control the outcome: those are a fool's ideas of control. You show me a good and healthy relationship, whether it’s with the self or with another, that’s full of restrictions on what you can and can’t do, who you can’t and can’t be around (unless they’re dangerous, obviously) and I’ll call you a liar. True control of self comes from knowing that things are good, are natural, without you needed to exert any force. Even when things are “bad,” actively focusing on it and trying to “control” it makes it worse: ESPECIALLY when the ego we talked about last week kicks in and we try to control someone else’s self. When you let that shit go, when you don’t focus on it with all your might and try and work it like a problem, you gain control over those voices. 

Contradictory, I know.

Through control, we can better our relationships. We can better rise above our demons without needing to resort to using things to try and “tamp them down” or to “not feel:” they don’t get smaller and you can’t stop yourself from feeling. In finding an environment where we can embrace these things, in creating a space for ourselves where we can do this work, we benefit not only our higher selves but those around us. Trust me, you’ll tell the difference between someone who’s actually mature and in control and someone trying to exert control from a place of fear and insecurity. Generally speaking, that second group is going to cause you a great deal of unintentional harm: not because they’re cruel and they want to, but because they cannot help themselves. Love them, understand them, but love yourself more and take the space so that you don’t become that same level of toxic.

But again, all of this is great on paper but these are just words. Great as something to consider, not practical in application. Because even knowing all of that doesn’t actually silence the voices. It doesn’t make you beat yourself up any less. So let’s take this to the practical world and actually DO something!

Fortunately, there are practices to help you get there. One exercise I discovered in quarantine that I’ve particularly enjoyed comes from Dr. Daniel Amen: a renowned psychiatrist and brain disorder specialist. The next time you find yourself wrestling with a negative thought, a self-critical doubt, a depressing sadness, pause. Take a breath and write down what you’re thinking. Yes, I know, I’m asking you to use a pen and paper, but just go with me on this one. Write the thought down. Let’s go with one of my classics.

“That person looked at me funny when I said something; they must be judging me.” Or, to make it simpler: “This person is judging me.”

Ok, so now you have the thought out of your head. Now we can work on it. Look at that statement and ask yourself: is it true? Yes, I know you originally THOUGHT it was true but now that it’s out on the paper ask yourself the question again.

Is it true? Answer: Well…you’re not them, so you don’t know. Could be. Could not be.

Next question: Is it absolutely true? Is it 100%? Since we just established that you don’t know, the answer is no.

Now look at that thought again; a thought that is not absolutely true. How do you feel when you have that thought? How does it feel when that voice is telling you you’re being judged? Answer: awful. Sad. Alone. Like an outsider.

Who would you be if you didn’t have that thought? Free.

Now take that thought and turn it to its opposite: once you’ve done that work, you’ll realize the opposite is usually true. That look was literally just a look. So why are you torturing yourself over…well…nothing? 

Try to make this a habit. Learn to question your thoughts. Learn to embrace the contradictions of humanity. Start to ask yourself these questions and let the voices just chatter away: things can be easy and life doesn’t need everything to be controlled.

Because guess what? Those voices miss one thing: you, just being you, is already perfect. 

— V

[risuave]

This week’s shout outs go out to all the people who keep my ego in check, not limited to but including Anna, Rachel, Matt, Carrie, Kristina, Nick, Candice, Julie, Liz, and all my VO coworkers.

Special shout out to my friend Spencer who helped me bring some happiness and light to someone in a very dark place.

Stop me if you’re brain has said this to you:

“This is all my fault.”

“I constantly feel like things are my fault.”

“I beat myself up for my part in how everything goes.”

Sound like you? You’re not alone: pretty much my whole life I would, in every possible situation, turn the guns on myself to find my faults. What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? How is this my fault? However, as I’ve had time to reflect and grow over the past several months, I’ve come to realize that this part of me was just a much more pernicious face of my greatest enemy. That thing that you, too, probably find yourself facing on a day to day basis.

Ego. Your best friend and mine.

We all know the things that we generally associate with ego. It oftentimes rears its head in the form of our vanity. Our pride. How so-super-awesome we are and how dare the world or anyone in it think otherwise? From ego comes the mental space of the “shower TED talk” where we win every argument because we’re RIGHT. In that world, the conversations we have always go exactly the way we believe they will. The rash actions we take when someone contradicts how we feel things are supposed to go. It’s that thing that pushes us to weigh in on everything, meddle in everything, because dammit if the world would just LISTEN to you everyone would just be better off. So you meddle in friendships and relationships. You push people away who DARE contradict you. We go out of our way to make manifest the mental world.

And then it hits the reality of the physical. The happiness bubble meets the reality of the truth. That conversation you planned perfectly immediately shifts. And because your ego starts spinning rapid-fire to try and bridge the reality you created in your head with the reality that is in the physical world, things get bad. 

And that’s the rub of ego. All of that desire for control: the creation of the world in your head where things go smoothly to smothering any descent from it; all of it comes from a place of fear. Fear in the inevitable pain of the future. Fear of failure. Fear of looking at ourselves and owning our shit. Fear of the truth. And so we try to control, and in tightening that grip we squeeze the life out of our relationship with ourselves as well as with those around us.

How vain. How arrogant. How incredibly foolish to believe that we are always so damn right. And what a freaking BURDEN. To hoist so much bullshit responsibility in being the arbiter of truth. In being the person that’s GOT to be the one to do the job PERFECTLY and that no one else can possibly have a valid insight. In my VO career (as I’m sure it is in many others), such a belief is limiting to the point of crippling. How can I capture a human moment if I’m literally chasing the most inhuman thing of all: perfection. A perfect delivery. A perfect line read. The perfect show of “this is what happy is/this is what sad is.”

This burden is what brings us to the other side of the ego. Because that same level of arrogance is what gives you the belief that everything is your fault. It’s what makes you beat yourself up and immediately look inward as the source of all your problems. Think of it: how arrogant is it to think that you are so damn central and important to how someone else is feeling/thinking/doing that CLEARLY, the reason things went wrong is because of something YOU did and not at all what is going on in another person’s life. 

I know it might be hard for so many to hear in this world of echo-chambers and self-gratification, but sometimes…you just don’t matter.

And that’s a really, really great thing. When we allow ourselves to be free of that burden, when we allow ourselves to see ourselves not as so central to the world around us (the reality our mind creates) but as human, as flawed, and equal to those around us (thee reality our actions create) we have the opportunity to remove so much of the stress in our lives. We start to realize that what we think and what we believe may not actually be true: that “look” you got could literally just be someone passed gas and it’s not them glaring at you because you did something wrong. We have the opportunity to connect with people on a much deeper level, to approach people not from a place of ego and self but a place of empathy and understanding.

It’s far easier said than done, I know. But as you continue to journey with the truth of the present moment, slowly find the moments in which you can begin to release yourself of the burdens of your ego, your vanity, and your pride. Find those moments when you’re focusing inward on how crucial your reality is and instead embrace the understanding that sometimes other people go through “human things” and it doesn’t have anything to do with you. Take a breath, take a step away from that situation, and free yourself from the responsibility of the world.

After all, it’s hard enough just being a damn human without you having to be the center of everything. 

-V

[risuave]

No blog this week. This week, after a week of mourning and missing people on their birthdays (both the living and the dead who are no longer in my life) and looking at a VERY busy recording and class week I'm actually going to take a page out of the book of my captain Marcie and follow her advice: take a breath and slow the fuck down.

So instead of a blog I'm going to plug this discussion between self-health guru Jay Shetty and one of my favorite people and colleagues Zachary Levi (you'll probably know him as the voice of Flynn Rider from "Tangled" and Shazam from DC's "Shazam"). It's a beautiful conversation on mental health, therapy, and self-love, and I think so many people can be inspired by it. I certainly was.

See you all next week.

- V

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cp_hDiWUKjQ&fbclid=IwAR2-2ARGh4gtESbLzSI4LiUhWBHEfUtQn8p6rT8yMLPZVJs9xkjh5AT5s9w

[risuave]

Blog 6: The Value of Time in the Present

This week’s shout out goes to…well…everyone. From family like Julie and Anna to influencers like Chris or Marcie to friends like Kyle, Nick, or Carrie and everyone in between.

So this week I know I was supposed to write about the ever present enemy that is ego. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that but after the rather interesting dynamic of the week that’s just past, I wanted to re-up a piece I had written last year. Because I remember last year. Hell, I remember today from last year. 

I remember how I started the morning. I remember the people I spent it with. I remember celebrating Kristina Sivak’s birthday at Tiger’s Tale with Carrie and Alex, all of us happy friends just living our lives. I remember talking to Julia, a friend of mine who was slowly starting to teach me all the lessons about living she learned through her sickness. I remember it all.

A year later, that world seems more like a dream, an idyllic fantasy than a memory. Kristina’s gone. Julia is dead. The very idea of going and sitting in a bar as just something you can do without fear or consequence is laughable. In just one year, the world turned upside down. For many, death became a constant while for others new life became focus. This week, thinking of birthdays and death days, thinking of the beginnings of cycles and the ends of them, I began to look towards that messy part in the middle.

Because that chaos, that…stuff…is what life is. That’s what life does. It goes forward. Life changes. Things that you never thought possible begin and things that seemed so damn enduring end. We can’t change the past. We can’t know the future. Only the very beginning and the very end are known. Everything that gets you to that last point…well…that’s the present. As I’ve been hammering home for weeks now, that part is in your hands.

So don’t waste the time you’re given. Don’t stress about the things that, when the world turns upside down, we see don’t really matter. Don’t fight the battles that aren’t yours to fight. Embrace empathy. Accept forgiveness for yourself and for others. Love yourself and accept love for yourself. Stop thinking control is love; whether it’s internal as you attempting to control the uncontrollable humanity within you or external in thinking that the person who tells you what you can and can’t do, who you can and can’t talk to, truly loves you as you.

In the end, that middle part is all up to you. So you may as well love it for all its quirky chaos.

- V

My voice over teacher had some quirky sayings that he would constantly employ in order to help loosen us up. One of them, more or less, was that time is a construct that was created by one species on one planet and only has meaning because we give it meaning but only has meaning to us. Not something we often think about, but the man’s got a point. In the VO world, that viewpoint is used basically as means to get some of the fears of time out of our head (should I stretch this word out? Am I talking too long? Etc) and just do what comes instinctually. But I think time as a whole concept is something we each have so ingrained in us because, so long as we’re alive, we HAVE it. We have infinite moments, infinite possibilities, infinite chances to start over or to do better.

Here’s the catch, though. Our time ends. We don’t often think about it, but each construct we build has an end point, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. And because of the subjective nature of time, this often leads people scratching their heads when they realize that they are too late.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I have essentially lived in a world with a visible and obvious end, and trust me when you spend enough time there you start to truly appreciate how malleable time truly is. How one can do a hundred things, can make a thousand memories in a week. The same time period that another person would go and say “well come on, that’s just not that long a time so don’t freak out if we don’t talk” can literally be the entire amount of time someone has left in their life. I’m not about to go all “carpe diem” on you here, but trust me when I say that the time you think you have is just that: an assumption. A gamble. And sometimes, you lose that gamble. Sometimes you’re too little, too late.

This past weekend my friend was informed that even if she were to change her mind and decide she wanted to restart treatment, she has progressed too far for it to make a difference. Her time, whether she likes it or not, is now up. And as I stroked her hair through mutual tears, I couldn’t get that idea of being too late out of my head. Of being so arrogant thanks to the seductive ideas from our personal views on time as to think that we have infinite opportunities to get it right when in reality, you just don’t. 

Sometimes that apology comes too late, and despite your sincere regret the other person simply doesn’t accept it. Sometimes that person who loved you stops waiting for you to become who they know you can be. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own world that when you look around, everyone else has moved on. Sometimes you just don’t get that “one more day” with the friend who you thought would be there forever. 

So stop assuming you have time. Stop assuming the world is going to stop spinning for you. Stop assuming you can get it right next time, or that you can talk your friend when you’re less busy. Stop putting off that dream and that passion for a “better” time or that what you see as a small amount of time is how the rest of the world sees it. Because one day, someone may be coming to you to tell you that your time is up. And when it comes, would you be able to say that you were satisfied with what you did with your time? Or are you going to be too late?

[risuave]

Blogging tomorrow, but tonight I’m having a silent little toast in my small little world. To Birthdays, to death days, and to all of that wonky stuff in between. Here’s to that middle part, that somehow you and I get to keep making good. https://www.instagram.com/p/CDIb419BmGQ/?igshid=2m0ufwz71xml

[risuave]

Let’s have some fun at midnight, shall we? @taylorswift #taylorswift #folklore https://www.instagram.com/p/CC_fDj1hgG5/?igshid=wkahxvj3l27w

[risuave]

Blog #5: Environment in the Present Moment

This week’s shout outs go to Carrie, Candice, Halsey, and Nick for helping keep me grounded during a particularly stressful week, and to the troll who keeps hitting me up on IG. I’ve got trolls folks: I must be doing SOMETHING right!

Ever hear the song “Graveyard” by Halsey?

If you haven’t go stop what you’re doing and go take a listen. Seriously, my own personal biases aside for that particular song, go give it a listen. Aside from it being quite good, it actually does a pretty decent job of capturing what happens to you when you find yourself in a toxic environment. How as you fall in love with someone who is in a bad place, before long you too find yourself in a bad place. 

Sure, we so rarely actively seek out these environments. At least, that’s what we tell ourselves. Of COURSE, we’re going to avoid the people that are floundering. Of COURSE, we’re too good for that. Except, of course, we’re not. Except of course we start to rationalize. My situation is DIFFERENT. This person in my life isn’t LIKE all the others. I’m in a good enough place that I can take this. 

Spoiler alert: unless you’re actually trained to deal with those sorts of environments, you’re not. So you keep digging yourself down deeper. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve written in a kind-of-a-sort-of-a step by step way about the basic tools and mentality needed to begin to face the world with clarity. To approach the truth in our lives with humility and acceptance to begin to break some of the more negative cycles and habits and instead begin to find fulfillment and happiness. By accepting that truth and reality are the goals over "happiness at all cost." By accepting that you can pin the blame on other people for your troubles all you want, but in the end, toxicity stems from you too. By beginning to take accountability for our leading roll in our own lives and that we control where we wind up. By grounding ourselves in the present moment, not clinging to dream of a better past or being driven to try and control the inevitable pain and turmoil of the future.

So now that you find yourself in this present moment, ask yourself: what do you see?

You don’t have to share with the class. But put aside your ego for a moment and take a real, genuine look. Don’t think about how you got where you are. Don’t worry about what comes next. For this moment, just look at where you are right now.

Look at the relationships in your life. With your friends. With your chosen partners. With your family. Which relationships bring you fulfillment? Which challenge you? Which do you derive pleasure from? Do you respect those, or do you find yourself constantly ignoring or even pushing them away because they ask you to rise up? 

And what of the negative ones in your life? Do you truly understand the effect they have on you? Is there someone who controls your life under the guise of “deep love?” Which relationships drain you? Which take advantage of you? Which just feel like a roller coaster? 

What about your actual current daily living environment? Does your job fulfill you or do you constantly feel like you’re just going through the motions? Do you feel purpose in anything you do? Are there things in your life that excite you? That scratch that itch? How does your body feel daily? What are you putting into it? How do you treat your own mind? Do you respect it or shun it? Ignore potential chemical imbalances out of a sense of pride or shame or denial? 

When we begin to tether ourselves to the present is when we begin to truly be able to acknowledge just WHAT our present moment is like and that matters. Science backs up the fact that when you find yourself in a toxic or negative environment, your brain actually begins to change. It becomes more negative to reflect and adapt to the environment around you. Whether you realize it or not, you begin to follow that person, that job, that thing that just takes over your life and fucking DRAINS you all the way to the graveyard.

That toxic girlfriend or boyfriend you have? Your brain is going to start to mirror that environment and then you too will turn just as toxic towards your friends and loved ones. Enjoy those 1 AM screaming matches you never used to have but now are just a weekly part of life.

That job that just fucking kills your soul? Yeah, it literally does that: it biologically begins to alter your mind to reflect the surrounding environment. Hope you didn’t want to find any joy in things outside of work, enjoy that mindless Netflix binging every night.

Your own mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health is fundamental. To be the best you for both yourself and for the people around you that matter, you need to be in a place where that’s possible for yourself: there’s a reason airlines tell you to place the mask on your own face and breathe before assisting others. The first step is truly entering the present and acknowledging it for what it is. The things that work? Cultivate those things. Show gratitude towards those relationships, use them to help you find those passions, and find passion in them. Move TOWARDS those relationships that push you and challenge you and help you stay grounded in reality instead of feeding your ego with your own bullshit. Make time for the things that bring you joy and passion and the things that are entirely your own. Set boundaries around the people who drain you or unintentionally take advantage of your time and kindness, and stop feeding relationships that hurt, manipulate, abuse, and/or control you and call it love. 

By facing, acknowledging, and ultimately working to better our present we serve both ourselves and those we love. We set the stage for a better future. And we begin to heal, grow, and break the cycles we have been bound by for so long. We stop going all the way to the graveyard.

Next week we’ll be talking about the bane of my existence and the trap of so many of our lives: ego.

[risuave]

Always. https://www.instagram.com/p/CCzFC-Rh8aA/?igshid=1sus2j0bgc3lf

[risuave]

Keep making good trouble. Keep getting in the way. https://www.instagram.com/p/CCxPYw7BmMr/?igshid=1osl65et2an9l

[risuave]

Blog #4: Being Present and the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Method

This week’s shout outs go to @jayshetty for teaching me this method and to @sunlightlocks @rebelworld27 and @mswillycoop for showing me the healing power of spirituality.

Show of hands: how many of you are mindless FaceBook or IG scrollers? How many of you find yourself texting or using the phone at dinner or when hanging with your friends?

If this wasn’t a virtual medium, I can guarantee you that you would see yourself surrounded by a sea of hands. In today’s technological revolution world it’s almost become second nature to find our mind being stretched in a thousand places. Playing this game while sending this email and shopping for those shoes, all while sitting on a park bench. We are told it’s efficient. We are told it’s the way to hustle.

Yet as we stretch our minds in a thousand directions we find ourselves leaving the only thing that really matters: the present moment. We can’t live in the past: such a desire holds us from going forward. Nor can we live in or know the future: such endeavors often spring from the fear of pain and loss in the future and a foolish desire to control that to prevent it (a desire I’m all too familiar with). Only the present can be molded. Only the present can be lived in. Only the present can be embraced. Only by being in the present moment can we see the negative environment we are in and likely help create. Only by being in the present moment can we begin to be accountable. Not by looking at who we were or who we want to be but who we are. Not where we were or where we want to be, but where we are.

Only in the present can we bring peace to our past and shape a better future. Through surrender, not control.

So, close your eyes.

Ok finish reading this first, but then close your eyes.

Take a deep, long breath in. Feel your body fill with the air.

Now slowly exhale. Focus on your breathing. Focus on your energy.

Slowly open your eyes and...well...be.

Take it all in around you. Every color. Every shape. Meticulously, list off five things you can see. As you do, really focus on them. Don’t just look at them with a passing eye as we so often do. Truly see them.

Begin to move your hands. Feel the world around you. Find four things you can touch. Truly feel whatever it is against your skin. Its texture. Its energy. Its relation to you.

Open your ears to the myriad sounds that encompass your present moment. Focus on three of them. How does your body respond to them? How do they react to the world around them? Do they drag on? Do the change or are they constant?

Take in a deep breath through the nose. As you do, focus your senses on two things you can smell. Really focus on them. Allow your body to respond to them. Is it pleasing? Does it twinge at nostalgia? What part do they play in shaping the world around you?

Lastly, focus on one thing you can taste. Really dig deep into it. Give yourself time to embrace it. Notice how different parts of your mind and body react to different tastes.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Welcome to the present.

Next week we’ll take a deeper dive into things you can do to potentially better your present now that you’re present.