[earnestveins]

vines, my own.

[riven-and-unkept]

I’m asking you to keep loving me. I know I’m asking you to do something that most humans aren’t capable of. I know your back will get tired of bending over constantly picking up my broken pieces and your arms will ache from having so much weight on them continuously. I know I’m asking you to hold me tighter than you probably could, I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need it. I know that I’m asking you to hold me up in a bathroom stall as my heart pours itself into your palms and my tears soak through your shirts. I know I’m asking you to look at my heart and realize whose name is engraved on it. I know that I’m asking you to wrap me in your arms like you did that night I slept next to you with a nightmare. I know that I’m asking for you to let me fall into your heart and I understand I’m asking you to take care of my heart, because you live there. I’m asking you because no one else will hold my hand the right way or pick up my heart off the ground and not drop it. I know I’m asking a lot. But please be patient with me.

I need to grow back again (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I’ll tell you a few things I’ve learned about myself being with you. I won’t ask for help but I need help almost always. I will not tell you why I’m upset, I expect you to understand why without me saying anything. If i get suddenly cold, something you said upset me but I won’t mention it. If I walk away from you, it’s not because I don’t want to stay, it’s because I don’t want you to see me cry. If I tell you to leave I mean stay. If I’m acting like everything is wrong but I refuse to admit it, my world is falling apart inside my head but I won’t mention it. My throat tightens at the name of her but I’ll smile and nod and pretend my heart didn’t crack. I won’t believe you when you tell me I’m your world because she was once your world and even though that world came crashing down, sometimes we all miss the past. I’m sad, I’m always sad at night and if you ask me if I’m okay, I’ll promise I am, but I’m not. I’ll stare at my face in the mirror until I start to cry because my hair isn’t blonde and my thighs are larger. When I get angry at you, I’m really just upset that you don’t know why I’m upset. If i see them and my body shuts down and i stop reacting and you search for a reason, it’s because I’m trying to stop my hands from shaking. When you hold me close and I start to cry, it’s not because you make me sad, it’s because I’m afraid of being too happy. If you make a comment about me being too emotional, I’ll hold everything in until I break down from forgetting a piece of paper. I’m insecure and I’ll question every damn thing you say to me. I’m jealous. I’m so fucking jealous. I’ll wonder if you’re having fun without me, because I can’t without you, and when I realize you are, I’ll shut down. I’ll build my routine around you and if something doesn’t work out as planned because you need something different, I’ll shut down. Not because I’m controlling. But because I’ve built my life around you inside and out. And what the fuck am I supposed to do when I realize that I’m only a piece of yours? I’ll deny it and slowly pretend it’s fine. I’ll make you my home and slam the door the second the ground beneath me starts to shake a bit. I’m fragile. I’m scared. And I’m hurt, still. I break easily and I can’t let you in no matter how hard I’m trying to. Maybe it’s childish, it’s my way of defending myself. And the walls are built so high, it’s unlikely anyone will have the energy to climb them. And that’s why I know that I’m waiting for the day you finally have to give up on me, because everyone else does.

I won’t tell you any of this (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I looked up and paused, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need you to be in love with me. I need it because I'm in love with you and my world doesn't make sense without you. I need it because I've spent months repeating to myself that you do, and that she isn't important to you anymore. My heart isn't my heart anymore, you have it in your hands and I just need you to be in love with me, like I've imagined you are. Like I've prayed you are." She turned a little to the side, half her face glimmered from the sunset that outlined her disapproval. She didn't say anything, her eyes were locked with mine, as she put the bottle to her lips and drank. A tear dropped and dried on her face. Slowly, she walked toward me, and placed her hand on my cheek. And before I could blink she was gone.

- I fear the unknown (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

She loved the moon, sunflowers, the sound of rain, the smell of soft laundry. She smiled at almost everyone. She never pulled away from a hug first. She loved the sky and the stars. And she loved fruit, dogs, music, swimming, and the color orange. She was the kind of girl a lot of novels are written about, you know the kind where the main character sets off on a journey to find themselves with sweaters and a train ticket. Her mind was either full of thoughts that she couldn't express or completely empty. Black or white. Never gray. Even on her darkest days, her light still shined through. Like moonlight. Maybe faded, but never gone. She had the cutest nose and the widest smile and a dorky little laugh. She was pure. For someone who loved making brownies and reading Oscar Wilde to be tainted with the world seems quite unfair. Yet she still seems to remain pure somehow. Perhaps it's her hearts that's woven out of gold. And maybe she'll be pure for forever.

- the world doesn't break everyone, even though it tries (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I felt it in my chest when I was with her. It wasn’t just the glances and the brushed fingertips over one another. I felt it deep down in my chest when she rolled over under the covers and kissed me. Each time feeling like she was saying something different, something beautiful. As she lay there, quiet, soft, and vulnerable as the moonlight shone through my window and just barely outlined her features, I laid aside her, holding her, I felt it in my chest that I was holding my world. I felt the need to wake her up from her sleep to kiss her again because I miss her. Though of course I didn’t. There was something about the way she looked at me, something about how all my pieces seemingly started to fit together whenever she held me. This love is the kind of love you read about. The kind that brings tears to your eyes because of everything that is at stake merely holding them so dear to you. The kind of love you can feel in your chest, that’s meant to last, for forever.

- my heart only knows her name (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I hated sleeping next to people. I could feel my own breath on my face and I could feel the hotness of their breath come back at me. I never knew what position to lay in and my arms would always end up becoming numb from laying on them. I was always too hot next to them or I didn’t have enough room. I hated sleeping next to people until I fell asleep with her and waking up I could feel in my heart everything I had ever wanted in my entire life. I hated holding anyone’s hand. My hands would naturally become clammy and uncomfortable. I never knew where to put my fingers or how tight to hold on. I always ended up letting go or finding an excuse to drop their hand. I hated holding anyone’s hand until I held her hands and my fingers fit perfectly and she intertwined hers with mine and I never wanted to let go. I hated being called anything but my name. I thought that I didn’t need a nickname because I didn’t deserve one. I didn’t let anyone before her call me anything but my name. I hated being called anything but my name until she called me ‘baby’ for the first time and suddenly that’s all I wanted to be called. I hated staying up late to talk. I was always exhausted and talking to them was the least of my priorities at that point. I always just went to bed fully knowing I hadn’t said goodnight and I could just use the ‘I fell asleep’ line. I never once ran myself ragged trying to type a goodnight message with only one eye open and my mind dazing off. I hated staying up late to talk until I spoke to her and the words spewed out of my mouth and never stopped and I would legitimately fall asleep talking to her because I didn’t want to say goodnight and the conversation to end. I hated waking up and texting them. I found no purpose in it. Whoever I was talking to was never a reason for me to wake up in the morning. I would sleep until one - one thirty every day because I had no motivation to wake up and automatically start talking to them. I hated waking up and texting them until she became ‘them’ and suddenly I woke up at ten almost every day I could to talk to her and ask how she slept. I hated the bland, emotionless conversations I had. They were useless to me. I tried to avoid them as much as possible. I would ignore them to ignore the conversation. I didn’t care who they were and I had no genuine desire to get to know them. I hated the bland, emotionless conversations I had until she became a vibrant yellow love quietly forming and I suddenly wanted to know every ounce of her. I hated the sappy ‘I love you more’, ‘you’re cuter’ shit. It annoyed me. I didn’t see the purpose in “arguing” with someone about how much you love them. It was stupid to me. I hated the sappy 'I love you more’, 'you’re cuter’ shit until I could feel soul wanting to burst out of my chest whenever I saw her, thought of her, or anything that had to do with her and I realized how much I physically and mentally loved her. I guess you could say I hated a lot of things. Love was almost one of them. But she, she taught me how to love. She’s the one who I want to sleep next to every single night of my entire life. She has the hands I want to hold from now until the day I die. She’s the one that calls me baby and she’s the only one I ever want to call me that. She’s the one I stay up late talking to because I love her so fucking much I want every minute of my time to be consumed with her. She’s the one who when I wake up, the first thing I do is text her because she never leaves my mind and I want her to know that. She’s the one I want to know inside and out and she’s the only one I want to know me inside and out. She’s the one who I love the most and who has taught me to accept sappiness, like this writing. She is the one who has taught me to feel love and let it consume me. She is the one and only person I have ever truly been in love with and I always will be.

I hated writing about love until I met her (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

As much as I could, I held it in. Held every waking moment in where she twisted the knife deeper and deeper into me. I held every tear, every scream, every crippling memory and tearing of my heart in. I held every rapid breath from seeing her around the corner in and ignoring the burning sensation I felt inside me when I heard her laugh or speak. And with everything inside of me wiped off every blood drop that fell because of her. It wasn’t just a friendship that ended badly, it was my entire world falling down, repeatedly. It was my self-worth fading and my genuine desire to be happy and live removed from existence. It was my trust, my way of life being shredded to nothing, and my walls built up higher than all the tress and flowers that once grew in my heart. It was my heart shattering into billions of pieces and then having those pieces ground up. It was torture. Nightmares and choked down tears with burning eyes and throats still linger and the desire to erase her from memory is stronger than ever. It still is. It still hurts. And all I can do is hold it in. Held in every time I am put to a task I doubt whether I’ll be good enough for it. Held in thinking that I’ll fuck it up before being satisfactory for him. Held in my emotions because “I need to get over it”. Held in the crippling anxiety that came over me when I got my grades. Held every hysterical outbreak alone in my room in. I held every thing I didn’t say in my mind and let it eat me alive. Held in being scared of him. “I’m so proud of you” is all I needed to hear. I held in my exhaustion of running myself ragged to inhumanly accomplish everything he asked of me. It was my undying love pushing me to want to be better for him when he kept asking more and more of me until he finally realized I’m not strong enough for it. It still affects me, it still hurts. And all I can do is hold it in. Held in that I am repulsed by every inch of myself. Held in that I once ripped my skin open at the mercy of my thoughts being drawn to not deserving love, or happiness. Held in that I dug my nails so far down into my palms that I drew blood because of the overwhelming anxiety I felt looking in the mirror. Held in how I wanted to fix every thing about myself and led myself down the path of feeling sick with consuming food and eating, for I was sickened by an idea of gaining weight. Held in that I was paranoid to go out because I didn’t want to see anybody I knew. Held in that I spent summers up in my bed, mentally blocking any feeling I had out. Held in that I broke my damn back saving people when all I fucking needed was to be saved myself. Held in that I needed someone when I said I didn’t need anyone. Held in that I wasn’t strong enough to continue on. It stills hurts. It still ruins things for me. And all I can do is hold it in.

and all I can do is hold it in (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

“I have many fears. They include trusting the wrong people, losing my loved ones and having the people around me see what I see in myself. I used to read about things online and how people could "fall out of love” and of course I believed it. But I never thought it was so easy to let go of someone you swore was your entire life and claim you hated them the whole time. A friend of mine was severely upset and messed up for a good month and every time I asked him why, he would say “she’s hurt. I don’t care what happens to me. As long as she is okay, I am okay”. About three days ago, he broke up with her. And today he proceeded to tell me how he hated her all along and he’s finally seeing it. He said he doesn’t care if they talk at all or not. He’s just happy he’s away from her. Never did it cross my mind that someone could have that happen in the course of three fucking days. The most horrifying thing that could possibly happen to me would be watching the person I’m in love with sink down to the bottom and suddenly swim up and decide they no longer love me or care about me at all. Or having them realize they truly hate me and they wouldn’t care if we were even friends. I guess it scares me because I hold on, to everyone and everything around me. I hold on so tightly because I’m afraid of being alone. I think that “falling out of love” could quite possibly be the scariest thing ever. “

late night thoughts (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I have sat on your floor and picked every fucking piece of you off your floor to put you back together because no one stuck around. I have gone through more than I can handle for you. And I have bit my tongue through every word in a bitter argument with you. I have been there for you when you thought no one would be. I have laughed with you and cried with you and drained myself for you. Go and choose her. I beg of you. Because if you can be with someone who made me want to split my veins open then I do not need you. I’ve wasted two years on you now. Don’t come crawling back when she leaves you again. You’re pushing everyone away. And I am not going to feel any remorse when I slam the door and turn my back on you.

you can’t keep me around like an old pair of shoes (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I knew it was coming. Yet I was still surprised when you turned around and walked out the door, to leave me alone as if I’d be fine. You took everything and anything close to me. I thought our bond was deeper, and more reliable. And I put everything into you. Eventually you were overturned with spite and threw me to the wolves. And faced the other way to laugh about it. Months went by and I locked myself away. Threatening any sense of life I had life. I had no motivation. I fell deeper than I had ever been before. And this time- I had no one. Because of you I listened to my mother fall asleep crying because of how hard I had just cried on top of her. Because of you I am traumatized about arguments. Because of you I asked my mother what was wrong with me on a daily basis. Deeply wounded and abandoned by anyone I had, I turned to sleeping my life away. I turned to hanging out with my younger sisters friends because they wouldn’t do what you did to me. I blame you for every ounce of my broken heart. But I do not blame anyone more than I blame myself for letting you in, more than once.

it still hurts (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I am to the point where words don’t sound like words and nothing make sense. Nothing feels right anymore. I can’t keep doing this. No matter how hard I cry, no matter how much I try to find myself, I can’t. I am lost. And I am empty. My head is spinning and my throat is burning. I am so alone. I don’t want to die alone maybe that’s what’s keeping me from leaving.

I am broken (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

And I don’t remember quite exactly how it happened. All I remember was looking in the mirror and stopping. I picked up my hand and pushed it against the cold glass where my reflection shined through. I took a step back and suddenly lunged forward with such force that my fist collided against the glass and it all came crashing down. Not only the glass shards but the angst, the pain, the memories. By the time I let go of my clenched fist my other hand was drenched in blood, my eyes caked with mascara and tear stained cheeks. I looked up to meet my eyes once again this time the view distorted from shards missing, I screamed. I assume only god knows what I screamed because I can’t remember a damn word forming from my mouth. All I remember was looking back down at my hand, there was still glass pieces inside. I started to walk. I grabbed a rag and wrapped it tightly around my hand and walked out the door. I kept walking for what seemed like hours. Crying even harder because of what I had done. Why did I do it? That’s a funny question, I did it because I thought it’d be the only thing to let myself go.

an excerpt from a book I’ll never write (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I hope you find someone better than me I hope you find someone who won’t leave you I hope you find someone who isn’t completely insecure I hope you find someone who doesn’t hate themselves so they can love you more I hope you find someone that knows how to deal with themselves so they don’t take it out on you I hope you find someone who will make you happier than I ever did I hope you find someone that takes away this pain I gave you I hope you find someone who makes you laugh so hard you cry I hope you find someone who isn’t so shy so she can sing along while you play guitar I hope you find someone who doesn’t fuck everything up I hope you find someone who spoils you I hope you find someone who kisses your neck but kisses your head when you need it the most I hope you find someone who isn’t me

I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

I’m sorry I lied to you I’m sorry I was the one who left I’m sorry I’m the one who hurt you I’m sorry you don’t understand I’m sorry I’m a mistake I’m sorry I couldn’t do it any longer I’m sorry I made you cry I’m sorry I broke your heart I’m sorry I couldn’t be okay for you I’m sorry that it’ll never be the same I’m sorry that I can’t explain I’m sorry that I am a hurricane I’m sorry that I love you

I hate myself more than you could ever hate me (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

even though I was the one who burned the bridge and made it impossible to get back to the other side, I’m still looking back and screaming to you “I’m sorry”. Because I never should’ve done what I did. They say things happen for a reason But what reason was there for me to ruin you and myself ?

excerpt from a book I’ll never write (h.k.)

[riven-and-unkept]

maybe I’m fucking insane maybe I’m fucking insane for leaving the only thing that made me okay maybe I’m fucking insane for wanting to scream and kick and kill myself maybe I’m fucking insane for not knowing anything anymore maybe I’m fucking insane for being heartbroken over my fuck ups maybe I’m fucking insane for giving away everything I’ve ever had maybe I’m fucking insane for feeling so alone maybe I’m fucking insane for hating myself so much maybe I’m fucking insane for destroying everything that’s good for me maybe I’m fucking insane for wanting to escape everything so badly maybe I’m fucking insane for crying at a family dinner and sitting in bed all alone crying my fucking eyes out because I am too scared to get up maybe I’m fucking insane for how I handle myself maybe I’m fucking insane and that’s why I did this

maybe I’m fucking insane for wanting to die (h.k.)