“steel magnolias” (1989) starters
Feel free to alter to fit muses.
“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”
“Very good, [name]! Spoken like a true smartass!”
“[Name], you sound almost chipper today. What happened? You run over a small child or something?”
“Knock her lights out, [name]!”
“She can’t be more than eighteen.”
“Take your Bible and shove it where the sun don’t shine.”
“I love [name], and I pray for her every day. Sometimes twice.”
“I’m having an affair with a Mercedes Benz.”
“I don’t like her. I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.”
“I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this!”
“[Name], this is your chance to do something for your fellow man!”
“I just want to hit somebody until they feel as bad as I do!”
“[Name] could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.”
“If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.”
“I just want to know why! I want to know why [name]’s life is over!”
“Well, don’t you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doing God-only-knows-what! They’d probably make me eat a live chicken!”
“There was no noise, no tremble, just peace.”
“Here! Hit this, [name]! Go ahead, slap her!”
“That sanctuary looks like it’s been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.”
“You’re jealous, because you no longer have a say in what I do, and that drives you up the wall. You’re ready to spit nails because you can’t call the shots.”
“I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don’t see movies ‘cause they’re trash, and they got nothing but naked people in ‘em! And I don’t read books, ‘cause if they’re any good, they’re gonna make ‘em into a miniseries.”
“[Name], you look like hammered shit.”
“The only thing I have ever said to you, ever, is that I want you to be happy.”
“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
“An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.”
“You need a radio, takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.”
“Relax! You can’t screw up her hair. Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet.”
“We went skinny-dipping and did things that frightened the fish.”
“I am not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for forty years!”
“A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
“The nicest thing I can say about her is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.”
“No judge is going to give a baby with my medical records.”
“[Name] would never point a gun at a lady!”
“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.”
“I don’t know why you have to make everything so difficult.”
“Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!”
“When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hopping.”
“The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God.”
“I’m just screaming at my husband. I can do that anytime.”
“I wish you could be happy, too.”
“Pink is my signature color.”
“I threw it up against the wall when I couldn’t figure out where the batteries went.”
“And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week…”
“They were both high. They’d been smoking everything but their shoes.”
“[Name], can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?”
“You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.”
“I don’t wanna have to kill you!”
“Please, please, I need your support.”
“The one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby.”
“We’ll sell t-shirts saying, ‘I SLAPPED [NAME]’!”
“That wasn’t a very Christian thing to do.”
“Looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket.”
“There is no such thing as natural beauty.”
“You are playing hard to get!”
“We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it. That’s what my mind says, I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart.”
“I love you more than my luggage.”
“You are a pig from Hell!”
“We are in the house of the Lord!”
“Smile! It increases your face value.”
“God doesn’t care which church you go, so long as you show up!”
“In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.”
“There, I said it, I hope you’re satisfied.”
“All gay men have track lighting. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.”
“I’m not as sweet as I used to be.”
“I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.”
“Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something.”
“Don’t try to get on my good side. I no longer have one.”
“I am so mad I don’t know what to do!”
“When it comes to pain and suffering, she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.”
“At her age, she should be playing ‘beat the clock’.”
“This is it. I’ve found it. I am in Hell!”
“I am just about at the end of my rope with you.”
“If I could adopt one, I would, but I can’t.”
“You are evil, and you must be destroyed.”
“I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.”
“Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marching across your face.”
“You just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half of [town name] give their eye teeth to take a whack at [name]!”
“There’s so much static electricity in this room, I pick up everything but boys and money.”
“[Name] got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.”
“You are too twisted for color TV.”
“It’s not supposed to happen this way! I’m supposed to go first. I’ve always been ready to go first!”
“I am going to be very, very careful, nobody is going to be hurt or disappointed or even inconvenienced.”
“[Name]’s so confused he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.”
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’M FINE!”
“Please don’t cry, or I will too. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.”
“[Name], I’d recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwriting of a serial killer.”
“I look at having a baby as the opportunity of a lifetime. Sure, there may be risk involved, but that’s true for anybody.”
“I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.”
“I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”
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