The Elephant in the Room, and on my Back
My back hurts. It hurts so much that I called off work. It only took a moment to send the email to my boss letting him know I wasn't coming in but i soon realized that I was still talking to him. Not only was I talking to him, but also my wife. And not only was I still talking to my boss and my wife but we were arguing about me taking the day to care for my back. Then my mother joined into the fight and I was being attacked from all sides. It was a rational three prong attack, that never happened.
In truth, all this was playing out in my head. My boss, in his reply email, told me to get well soon. My wife, still sleeping on the other side of the country hadn't even seen my Allo messages yet and my mom, well, I haven't talked to her in a very long time.
So who was I arguing with? Where did these voices come from? Well the simple truth was me.
It has come to my attention, through therapy and mindfulness, that I am a victim of, well me. Don't get me wrong, not the conscious me, but the part of me that tries to imagine the worst possible outcome so that when it happens I will be ready. A defense mechanism I picked up from my childhood. It has also come to my attention that that worst possible outcome rarely happens. And though I rarely have the knock down drag out fights in reality that bombards me in my mind, my body doesn't know the difference and reacts in kind. So much so that my already sore back received a healthy dose of constricting muscles as my body geared up for fight or flight. Which as you can guess, increased the back pain.
Here is the amazing thing. I recognized it. For the first time in a long time I took the reins of this particular elephant and did my job and guided it. I recognized those thoughts of war with friends and family as just thoughts, misty guesses of a possible but highly unlikely future and you know what happened, they went away. My breathing slowed, my heart rate quieted and I felt at peace.
I am new(ish) to Secular Buddhism and Mindfulness but in just a few short months I learned that I am in control of my emotions. And that by taking what I learned through mindfulness meditation and applying it to daily life, I regained control. I regained my ability to choose.
You are not your emotions. You can be washed away by them or make the choice to see them for what they are, observe them for validity and if they are toxic, let them go.
This is what I am reflecting on today, at home, with a bad back. Puts a literal spin on no pain no gain.
