just need a little space to write some things down that are circulating in my head right now
im 24 years old yet i feel like im 50, some times i feel alienated from the people around me and i know its partly from my own doing, no matter how much i try things never seem to truly get better for me. i know im in a great place right now with many people around me who want to help but i still feel as though i cant reach out because the things that are going on arent important enough or ive put myself in the situation, yet i struggle to get out of it mostly getting so far before it crashes again and leaves e feeling like ive just been pretending the whole time.
im here at university, im messing up my life because of something i cant control and its gotten out of hand, im in the middle of exams, none of which i am prepared for in the slightest mentally or physically. after a massive crash half way through last year and continuing still i have barely been able to attend my classes, barely able to pull myself out of bed and most days i cant bring myself to leave the house.
the people who i count on most are starting to tire of me, and i know being around me is becoming a chore for most. and i cant expect them to be happy to be around me when i cant even be happy in my own company, so why would anyone else be.
i worry about everything, finances, school, my apperance, my personality, my friends, my health- mental and physical yet feel so powerless to do anything about it. not for lack of ambition which i have plenty of, its just something im realising im just not capable of reaching at this moment but stuck in the loop of trying to fix it only to break it again. i worry that im never going to find someone who loves me, or that i can love, i feel like everything i had was given to the wrong person who (not with out reason) made me see that ve changed and it was not for the better ive only gone down hill since then more so than the incline i was already on. but now i have no way of climbing back up to the point wher, i have nothing i can give to anyone else and cant see anyone willing to give themselves to me when i cant offer anything in return.
im broken, and seemingly unfixable and only seeming to get broken down even more. i didnt think i could get any lower, but theres a whole new level im discovering and its too deep for anyone to pull me out of.
some days i think ive made the best decision of my life to be here, then i realsie that infact itt was really stupid yet i have no escape.
it all bubbles down to the fact that i have no idea what im doing, and sometimes it seems better to not be here to try.
ellievsbear
baratheonpilled
blakekathryn
kaledo-art
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
