I’m scared average is all i will ever be.
I would never describe myself with having a talent. I am made up of a randomised set of hobbies all at the level of being average. Good, not great. Good, not terrible. I’m not smart, well i am I know a lot of things other don’t but that’s because i have actively sort out the knowledge not because i happen to know it. I like to learn new things, study and revise on useless information. I could never teach it to a class, I can’t speak in front of people and regurgitate the information. I stumble on my words and my legs collapse under me.
I like books, love even. I read a lot. Romance mainly and by mainly its the only thing i want to read. I can live vicariously through the characters and i love it. I yearn to be someone from a book, who seems to effortlessly fall in love with someone. And it doesn’t matter what trope it is, they always, always, fall in love. But i want to read about mystery’s and real peoples lives, about dragons and the 1800s. Yet i pick up that genre and my mind sourcing my memories for stimulation.
I can draw, sort of, not really but the passion is there. I use to be really good at drawing but i got burnt out, binned all my art work, gotten rid of most of my art supplies and just this year ,after at least five years, I’ve picked up pen. To draw, not write. It’s the same thing I’m drawing over and over and over and over again. Eyes. I like drawing eyes, I’m good, not great, at drawing eyes. I’ve drawing other facial features, it’s sloppy and disfigured. Practice, practice, practice makes perfect.
Being talented isn’t a personality it’s a skill and i am average.
A year and a half ago I properly started working on my healing journey. I had lost all my friends, i was alone and i knew i had to change or i would be alone forever. So i made amends, i got a clean streak going, i started working on my mental health. Why was i so hated? What about me made me so distant from everyone?
I have spent a year and a half working on myself and i am average.
Healing isn’t easy and it isn’t linear and it isn’t instant. Sometimes i feel on top of the world, sometimes I couldn’t wait to die. In between those large, non understood moments was a plain old average girl.
I think average is okay and it will be okay. Maybe ,not for me now, in the future maybe i will be okay with being average.
