room to G L O W : my journey to becoming a mama ✨

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Superstitions can be fun. I’ve wanted twins my entire life, so I’m crossing my fingers that this is the best omen. TWO double yolks?! 😍😍😍

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BRB, fawning over my Chani Nicholas horoscope. Another miniature update: I’m currently on CD 17 (or maybe 16?) and all of my apps are predicting different ovulation dates/fertility windows. According to Kindara, I should have already ovulated, actually, but when taking my negative OPKs into account and my lack of temperature spike, I’d say that thaaaat isn’t accurate. Glow and Ovia pin ovulation to Saturday and Sunday, respectively, so I’m hopeful that things are working as they should and that the time hasn’t arrived yet this month. I did notice some EWCM yesterday, and we’ve been BD-ing every-other-day for the last week + the last three days in a row, though. We’ll see. I’m still trying to shift my focus a bit so that I’m less obsessed with TTC/pregnancy and more into losing my winter lbs, but the heart wants what it wants. ♡

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3.8.18: Cycle 2 - Day 9. New Additions // New Edition.

Quick post today to give a heads up on the latest additions to my supplement regimen post chemical pregnancy, & my plans going forward! I’m currently taking... -Maca root -CoQ10 -Selenium -Manuka honey Oh! I put my husband on a super-fun (read: super annoying) vitamin schedule too: zinc, maca, vitamin C, CoQ10, and Selenium. Speaking of husbands, this cycle we’re trying out the Sperm Meets Egg Plan...I think I mentioned that in an earlier post? Anyway, starting tomorrow I’m supposed to start using those OPKs again, which means I’ll have a tangible thing to obsess over. Greeeat. Over all, though, I feel like I’m actually less neurotic and more chill this month. Partially because I don’t want to get my hopes up, partially because I’m scared, and partially because I’ve distracted myself with a fitness kick. Honestly, if it doesn’t happen this month re: baby, I know that I will be FINE. I need to get my body into a more normal/comfortable state anyway—between the pregnancies and the holidays, I’ve put on about 10 pounds and I definitely don’t want to go into a pregnancy already 10lbs heavier than the weight that feels semi-normal to me. So, in the words of Brandi Glanville, it’s time to start drinking green shit and jogging. I’ll keep updating regardless of the outcome! 😋

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I really didn’t want to have to write this

So, I’m not pregnant. At least not anymore. The lines on my HPT? They never really got darker. Even on 20 DPO. That, for me, was not a good sign. Then two nights ago, I started bleeding. It was a chemical pregnancy. It was over. I’m feeling pretty wrecked, especially with the intensity of the emotions I’ve been dealing with the past week—this major high and then, honestly, what feels like dispair. It’s really difficult for me not to hate myself right now. Like, logically I know that it’s not my fault, it’s out of my control, and there isn’t anything that I can do, but I feel so completely shitty. This is literally the one thing I’ve consistently wanted my entire life, and now there’s some reason I can’t do it. It’s frustrating and scary and sad, and now all I can think of are these horribly depressing what-if scenarios. So that’s my update. The plan for next (this?) month is to really top up on my vitamins—I’m adding selenium and CoQ10 to the mix—and to follow the “Sperm Meets Egg” plan, because having sex every day from the time my period ends until a day or two after ovulation was rough on your girl. Real rough. I’ll probably do a post about SME sometime when I’m feeling better. I hope that’s soon. We’ll see. ❤️

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14DPO. These haven’t even dried yet. The pink tests (from The Baby Dust Method on Amazon!) are the most sensitive and had been giving me increasingly-darkened positives as of 10DPO. 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽

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2.20.18 - CD29 - 14DPO

Two week wait #1 is complete. According to all of my apps, and some not-that-thorough research, my period should start today. My cycles average around 30/31 days, but because I ovulated earlier than predicted, this cycle should end up at just 29 days before AF drops in. Only, my fingers are crossed that she won’t. Especially because I got a BFP today. Three, actually. One early results strip (Baby Dust Method, not FRER), one 25 miU strip from the dual pack of OPKs/HCG tests I ordered from iProven on Amazon, and one “squinter” on a Wondfo-style strip that I was sent from the clinical trial I mentioned in my last post. Thank God I had tests from TWO other manufacturers though, because those suck. Suck! They are terrible: evaporation lines, super thin, not sensitive at all. I mean, I get that they probably aren’t early tests, but it seriously made me question every other positive result that I’d gotten. 10/10 do not recommend. So, it looks like I’m maybe possibly pregnant-ish. I’m trying my hardest to contain myself/my level of excitement because it’s still very early...with the pregnancy I lost in December, I was 5-6 weeks along, and as of TODAY, I’m only-just-officially at 4 with this one. Still, it feels good to be here and I’m going to allow myself to be cautiously optimistic and happy about this turn of events. It also helps that I’m already feeling quite different in this pregnancy than in the last—nausea being the most outstanding difference, and they say that morning sickness is an excellent sign for a sticky bean—so even though I’m full-on neurotic, tuning into my body has actually been a reassuring thing for me as of late. We’ll see if that trend continues. For now, though, I’m happy, hopeful, and beyond grateful. Gonna try to bask in that for a bit. ❤️

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2.15.18 - CD24, 9DPO

I’m almost through my first TWW, and as expected, I’ve gone full-on insane. Reading. Googling. Forum combing. It’s nuts and I should probably be stopped. I started a note to track all of my post-O symptoms—which at this point in my cycle are almost certainly entirely from progesterone and not pregnancy, but I’m hopeful that i’ll be able to pinpoint weirder ones that come up and connect them to pregnancy...otherwise I’ll just have a really bomb description of how progesterone affects me. I’ll add it here as soon as I know what’s up with this body of mine. I woke up this morning feeling vaguely nauseated with a BBT of 98.21—my highest yet!—so I’m feeling kind of hopeful for the time being. I did POAS yesterday morning at 8DPO because I’m crazy, and I got a BFN, though, so there’s that. I’m a part of this study program that will have me taking a pregnancy test for the 7 days before my projected period, and the start date for THAT is tomorrow so we shall see. I’m also considering buying a pack of First Response Early Results tests though, since the study sent me Wondfo-style internet cheapies, but I’m trying to hold out, especially because I’ve read that implantation doesn’t even occur until 6 - 12 days DPO with 8 or 9 being the most common, but omg do I want them. I’m impossible, I know. Crossing all of my fingers and toes that everything worked this month!

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Mini Update

On my thyroid: the birthing center called back with my results yesterday: totally normal and healthy. So that’s one less thing to worry about! On timing: I’m currently on CD 16. All of my apps (and I’m using FOUR: M. Cylces, Ovia, Kindara, and Glow) predict a slightly different ovulation day/fertility range. M Cycles, which has my period info for literally the last three years, estimated that I’d ovulate the latest—not until the 11th. Kindara, Glow, and Ovia each predicted the 9th as my O day, but now after inputting consistent data, Glow and Ovia have shifted and both say that I should ovulate TOMORROW, on the 8th. As I mentioned (I think??) going by the dates/cycle length, a calculator I found told me that should ovulate on CD 17—which also happens to be tomorrow—but that my maximum fertility range is CD 15 - 17. I’ve been having sex every.single.day, so I hope I’m good to go. My husband is traveling today, and even though he’s set to be back tonight, I really don’t want to miss my window of fertility. I’m anxious. It’s fun. On OPKs, Ovatel, & castor oil packs/abdominal massage: Pretty sure I had my first positive OPK test today, so that’s cool. We did castor oil packs + abdominal massage every day for the last week or so, stopping the castor oil packs two day sale ago since I read that they’re not ideal for continuing during ovulation or through the TWW. I’m notnsure if/how they’re helping, but it has felt really good to just be calm and warm and toasty and to have some extra attention and TLC. As far as the ovulation saliva microscope, though, I’m getting nowhere. I haven’t seen or am unable to identify the mystical *~ferning pattern~* that’s supposed to signal pending ovulation. I’m actually super glad that’s I was a psycho and have been semi-obsessively tracking everything from my BBT to my symptoms and also using OPKs, because I’m sure that I’d otherwise be feeling more than a little freaked out. For now, though, everything is good and I have nothing left to do but trust the process. ♡

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CD 11 - Part 2

My appointment went well! I’m apparently very healthy and shouldn’t have any issues with fertility, getting pregnant, or staying pregnant. All of the women at the birthing center were amazing—like, so, SO lovely. Kind, inviting, comforting, non-judgmental, and warm. I loved it, and I felt at home pretty much instantly. I made the decision today that if I were to get pregnant, I would 100% be having my rainbow babe—which I personally like to think of as my SUNSHINE baby—at their establishment. It was great. I was told to expect to hear back about my thyroid results by Tuesday or so, but other than that, everything is looking good. The CNM I met with also recommended that I start taking a new supplement! It’s called Pregnancy Prep, and it’s from a company called Vitanica...They sell it on Amazon. I’ll update with more info when I get them. She also recommended that my husband and I both start taking Selenium, so we’re making a Target run to pick some up tonight. Feeling good. Confident. Happy.

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02.02.18 - CD 11 #theothertww

So. A lot has been said about the dreaded tww, or “two week wait”, which is the particularly uncomfortable period that comes between the time of ovulation and determining whether or not conception has taken place. Websites. Books. YouTube videos. Instagram tags. Everyone hates the tww. It’s become glaringly obvious this month, however, that there is a different two week wait that isn’t commonly discussed: the wait between the end of my period until ovulation. So, I wait to start trying (only not, because we’re still having sex as much as possible regardless of the actual potential for fertility) then wait to find out my pregnancy status. It’s a lot of waiting, and as you may have ascertained from reading this blog, waiting is not my strong suit. When I wait, I tend to get anxious. I’m currently on day 11 of my cycle, so I’m nearing the end of TWW v. 1.0. In a “typical” 28 day cycle, women ovulate around day 14. My cycle is 31 days though, so according to my research (lol) I ovulate around cycle day 17. SEVENTEEN! That’s almost an entire week later than if I had a nice, average cycle. More waiting. That sucks. Thankfully, according to my calculated cycle, my “fertile” days actually start TOMORROW, and go from CD 12 - CD 17, so by tomorrow, I can at least feel productive about trying. My saliva monitoring with Ovatel is showing that I might be in transition since I’ve had a few lines—the apparent precursor to ferning—the last two days, but I’ve still had unclear or clearly negative results with my ovulation predictor tests. As far as “charting” goes, I’ve been monitoring my BBT and noticed a drop this morning, but I for sure could be doing it wrong and I still have virtually no idea how to actually interpret my chart. I guess that’s supposed to be something you figure out after three cycles or so, though, so I don’t feel terrible about being semi-clueless. In other news, I have a well-woman visit/pre-conception planning checkup this afternoon. I’m...nervous? Not because I specifically think that there’s anything wrong, but because doctors appointments have begun to make me anxious in general and I’m terrified of getting any kind of bad news. This is a pretty new development, though—I always used to be chill about going to doctor’s appointments—but considering my last experience, which was was at the ER at 1am two days before Christmas, did not have a desirable outcome, I’m currently feeling a bit apprehensive about anything medical. My checkup is at a birthing center that we visited back in December, which feels oddly comforting. I’m going to ask about my thyroid levels since basically every female in my family is hypothyroid and I know that that can interfere with pregnancy. I’m also going to ask about general ways to tune up and generally enhance my health in hopes of boosting my fertility. Logically, aside from the blood draw, I shouldn’t have anything to be worried about, but it’s me and I am. That’s it for now!

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Cycle 1, Day 2 ✨

So, I got my period. This is good! This means we can *officially* start trying for our little rainbow. I’m actually feeling really excited and happy about this. In true celebratory/obsessive fashion, I treated myself to a few new fertility-related items that will hopefully help to make this process go by a little more quickly: a set of ovulation predictor test kit, an Ovatel microscope, and a Kindara Wink device. The OPK is pretty self-explanatory for those in the TTC crowd—it’s a set of 50 cheapie pee-on-a-stick style tests that you use to determine whether or not you’re ovulating...the full explanation is that when you pee on them, these tests detect something called lutenizing hormone, or LH, which apparently “surges” before ovulation. I’m planning to use these in conjunction with my “fertile” predictions from the information I’ve input in My Cycles and Ovia, so I’ll probably start testing as soon as I get the kit, let’s be real, but then strategically next month—should I not get pregnant in the very-immediate-future—on cycle days 11 - 16 since i’m supposed to ovulate on CD16 and the days before are considered “fertile”. I’m also planning to make myself an actual physical chart where I tape all of the tests in a row so that I can geek out and analyze them all right next to each other. Next up on the list is the Ovatel! I half impulse-bought this guy on Amazon after seeing the awesome price point (under $40!) for a fertility tracking aid. I paid the extra $4 for one-day delivery, so I’ll have my Ovatel in my hot little hands by this time tomorrow. What I love about the Ovatel is that it’s basically high-tech-meets-low-tech, because all it is is a teeny-tiny microscope! How does this aid in fertility? Spit. Seriously. Apparently, when you’re ovulating, your saliva changes—it crystallizes and “ferns”. Ferning? Ovulating! Probably. Since we’re in 2K18, though, Ovatel also comes with a mobile app and the ability to upload photos of your spit slide to analyze more clearly, so that’s cool. I’m actually really excited about this one. The final and most expensive item I picked up is the Wink by Kindara, which is basically a fancy Bluetooth-enabled thermometer, which I’m going to be using to monitor and chart my basal body temperature. When you’re fertile, your temperature goes up! Didn’t you know?! I most definitely did not, but after reading about “charting” and “BBT” in every book and on virtually every TTC forum I encountered and having them be hailed for their accuracy, I realized that it miiiight be something that I should look into. What makes Wink different from your standard drugstore thermometer, though, is it’s accuracy: it measures the most minute differences in temperature to one one hundredth of a degree. Of course, it’s also fully connective—it uses Bluetooth to pair with a tracking app on your phone—it takes your temperature in less than 30 seconds, and it doesn’t do an annoying “beep” once it registers your temperature, it just vibrates. Since I’m all about aesthetics, it also helps that Wink is GORGEOUS. It’s so cool and sleek and stylish, omg. I can’t wait to get this one! Before settling on these items, I considered a few other tools including the Himama nighttime wearable, the YONO in-ear monitor, the AVA bracelet, and the Clearblue fertility monitor, but ultimately decided on my personal toolkit after balancing the cost-effectiveness, reliability, accuracy, and reviews of each of the items I selected. Hopefully I chose correctly! I’ll update as soon as I have something worth updating about. ♡

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My TTC Supplement Rundown

These are all of the things I’m taking/consuming/applying in order to aid in my TTC journey. I’m still considering some other items, so I’ll try to update this post if/when my routine and regimen changes. + means it was recently added - means that I’m no longer using it, tapering off, or have switched to a different brand/product that does the same thing. ♡UpSpring prenatal vitamins ♡Red raspberry leaf ♡Pink Stork fertility tea (-) ♡Now Soulutions natural progesterone cream ♡Castor oil packs & abdominal massage ♡Bee Healthy royal jelly/bee propolis/bee pollen/honey

♡High-potency Vitamin D (+) ♡Pre-Seed fertility friendly lubricant (+) ♡Pregnancy Prep by Vitanica (+)

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This is the beginning of my TTC haul: two pregnancy books, red raspberry leaf supplements, and progesterone cream. I’m a major researcher and planner, so once I decide to commit myself to something, I like to get REALLY immersed. I also have a “fertility tea” and two more books coming today—one on herbs for the childbearing years and one called “The Impatient Woman’s Fuide to Getting Pregnant”, plus Alicia Silverstone’s book, “The Kind Mama”, coming on Tuesday. I feel a little silly about all of it considering that we got pregnant three weeks after deciding to try the first time, but this time, I want to be truly prepared and fully informed. I’d also like the experience to be sustainable, obviously. That’s where the progesterone cream, fertility tea, and red raspberry leaf supplements come in. I’ll do a post on their uses and supposed benefits sometime soon. I had a really comforting thought about what happened yesterday: it’s 2018...This is already in the past. I miscarried in 2017. This is a fresh start. And besides, how lovely would it be to find out that I’m pregnant at Valentine’s Day? (I realize that that’s highly improbable and I’m not getting my hopes up, but still.) It’s a nice thought for me to have in my head. ♡

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Making A Mama

It’s 1/12/2018...Less than a month ago, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant with our first baby. A little over a week after taking a pregnancy test, I started bleeding. We rushed to the ER, where an ultrasound tech spotted a gestational sac and a yolk sac and told me that I was 5 weeks along. I thought I was 6. The doctors couldn’t figure out what was going on or what had caused the bleeding, but I was warned that it could be ok or not be okay. It lasted a week: no cramps, never “heavy”, no abnormal clots. Two days ago, I took a home pregnancy test: negative. I took another one the next morning, even diluting my pee to attempt to discourage the elusive “hook effect”, but to no avail. Another negative. It made sense, though, considering it had been nearly two weeks since the bleeding began and I was only diagnosed with HCG levels of 259 during my ER trip. I didn’t want to believe it, but looking back, I feel like I knew SOONER than when taking that test. The day I started bleeding, for example, I noticed that I was significantly less tired, my boobs basically felt normal, and I just felt off...like, oh, this is weird - I don’t feel so pregnant today. And then, I wasn’t. I’ve never wanted anything more than I’ve wanted to be a mother. I wanted this baby. Badly. I’m only 28, but had the timing been right and it’d have been up to me and I’d have accidentally gotten pregnant at 24, 25, or 26, I would have been happy. When we found out about this baby, we were happy. It’s so weird to feel like you spend years of your life ensuring that you will NOT get pregnant, but then when you actually DO want to have a baby, it isn’t as easy as it’s been made out to be. I mean, my husband and I were lucky—we decided that we actually wanted to start trying and casually consulted my period tracker app on dates, and I was literally pregnant three weeks later. But obviously it didn’t stick, so here we are. Back to square one. Starting again. My goal: to get pregnant as quickly as possible AND to have a healthy, viable, full-term pregnancy that ends with a live birth and healthy, happy baby. I knew I wanted this, but I never knew how BADLY I wanted it until now. So, this space is going to be all about how I intend to get there and to reach that goal. Starting today. Now. This is the making of a mama.