[rosea-tangible]

[rosea-tangible]

my subjective experience, is the only right one.

[rosea-tangible]

[rosea-tangible]

you were the only one that ever came close

[rosea-tangible]

lonliness does not embrace me, it is a signifier and bearer of my death and annihilation. or rather, it is not lonliness, but desolation, abandonment. no one who has known me has ever wanted me around, and so all I do to sustain myself is steal meaning from people who will never love me. I don't even know if I am even capable of loving another in the truest sense, instead chasing obsession after obsession to keep myself at least afloat. I don't do it intentionally, like a pseudo-sentient creature sustained only by its biological instinct. really I'm convinced no version of me, past and present, has been worthy of loving

[rosea-tangible]

goddamn man I hate myself

[rosea-tangible]

don't even wanna speak, don't even wanna talk. wanna just listen and drown

[rosea-tangible]

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

[rosea-tangible]

I'd like to put myself to sleep, if that were possible.

[rosea-tangible]

I've had this visual I come back to, that I like to imagine in my head, of versions of myself dancing together, in a waltz, or something of that caliber. another illusory visual I come back to far more often entails one of them driving a knife, a sword, putting a bullet through, the other. what elevated intimacy. truly, I cannot hope to come close to achieving such ecstacy with anyone else!

[rosea-tangible]

pressure valve, pressure valve, I think I've said something like that before here haven't I?

[rosea-tangible]

#they trynna kill me

[rosea-tangible]

i wish i wielded physicality enough so that I can terrorise, hit, raise hell, lose myself in a brutality that nourishes my heart. pummel me back, by all means, allow me to sink into the distilled purity of pain and violence, aggression, rage. and it can be a way for me to at least momentarily push back against a mass of humanity so cruel. FOR ALL THE HURT YOU'VE CAUSED HERE IS MY REPLY, a drop in an ocean so large. I cannot appreciate the hurt I cause, distracted so relentlessly I am by the pain I feel is inflicted unto me at all times. you think me cruel? I am incapable of remorse

[rosea-tangible]

where can I go to wrap myself in shielding solitude, where can I escape to that will soothe the cutting anxieties which come with my being alive?

being amongst people hurts like you cannot imagine. stability is not something that I can ever hope to attain, here, among the living. every contour felt or exposed under a light instills into me an overwhelm of abject terror. ugliness, not-rightness— what torture, prickling, debilitating, searing hot marks onto skin already peppered constantly with gooseflesh.

wrap me instead in a veil soft and impenetrable— allow me a healing hibernation, allow me to sink into a void so tranquil. allow me to be wholly separated from the world, allow me sleep. I yearn not to feel the shape of my physical body, and not the pressure that all others seem to effortless exert onto me.

centuries, unawake, sunk deep within the formless veil. this is my closest approximation of heaven.

[rosea-tangible]

certainly, if I cannot be saved within the celestial embrace of your arms, then this long sleep will be my next recourse. it is my current recourse, as your love is not something I can have.

[rosea-tangible]

kill me, god, kill me, kill me, this is how I can find an approximation of peace! annihilation, I seek to be destroyed!

[rosea-tangible]

where can I go to wrap myself in shielding solitude, where can I escape to that will soothe the cutting anxieties which come with my being alive?

being amongst people hurts like you cannot imagine. stability is not something that I can ever hope to attain, here, among the living. every contour felt or exposed under a light instills into me an overwhelm of abject terror. ugliness, not-rightness— what torture, prickling, debilitating, searing hot marks onto skin already peppered constantly with gooseflesh.

wrap me instead in a veil soft and impenetrable— allow me a healing hibernation, allow me to sink into a void so tranquil. allow me to be wholly separated from the world, allow me sleep. I yearn not to feel the shape of my physical body, and not the pressure that all others seem to effortless exert onto me.

centuries, unawake, sunk deep within the formless veil. this is my closest approximation of heaven.

[rosea-tangible]

but it's also nice to have it. it's nice to sometimes feel happy, even if it entails a belatedly felt pain