Through the Glass

Every pen stroke is my love bleeding into the world.

[bad-moodboard]

Production Design Images from Ginger Snaps (2000)

[swordsbardkat]

Whatever you need, you only have to ask

[xanaxfarts]

An assortment of animated streams

[giugirl743]

@tamisdava2

[roxbyrdie]

Calm, soft indifference.

I get it now, my place.

I explained so clearly,

In not so many devastating words

How I can't survive

If it continued.

But I can't lose you,

So I'll shut up. Be small. Be quiet.

Ill work and love you as much as I can.

Ill give you everything, never fuss about her again.

I know my place now, how much respect I deserve.

A burden doesn't get a say in how the relationship operates

Or how much respect they earned.

Because the words and needs of a burden,

They hold no weight in the absence of contribution.

What I need to survive in my heart,

It doesn't exist until I earn it.

Until I earn the right to be listened too.

So I'll never bring up how it tears my heart out through my eyes

Everytime I see it anymore,

Not until I earn the right to be heard.

Or I quietly breakaway. Whichever is first.

Being provided for was never what I wanted,

I can do that myself.

It was respect, to know I was heard

And respected.

That you loved me enough to respect

What I needed to survive.

But it's done now. You won.

Ill never take away something so important,

A friendship so deep,

Its worth your family to you.

The stakes were declared, the table set.

And you still played the game.

I hope you win everything you wanted,

It was expensive, and I paid the tab.

[roxbyrdie]

why cant one person

Not one single person

Recognize when I need love

Need gentleness.

Need a fucking hug.

Instead it's be normal

Calm down.

Be quiet.

Listen to me.

Maybe you need meds.

Because the smallest shred of emotion came through this mask you prefer?

My bad. I'll try to kill it.

Just remember,

Its going to kill the romance

The goofy I worked to get back.

The drive to create, will vanish.

But everyone will have a quiet,

Hardworking,

Never fusses,

Doll.

Then they can bend me to shape,

Use me how they need.

Diaplay the perfect vision,

On a shelf to collect dust,

The background of every photo.

[devils-queen]

666

[roxbyrdie]

I dont know how to write love without making it feel like weather—as if it arrives already too large for the body it chooses.

But you are here.

And that changes the grammar of everything.

Because suddenly it is not orbit, not ache, not the long theology of distance I used to mistake for devotion—

it is touch.

It is the strange correction of gravity when it realizes it does not have to wound to be real.

You stand in my life like a second sun that learned restraint,not less powerful for it, only deliberate in the way it chooses not to end me.

And I—

I am still what I was before you, still made of repetition and excess, still carrying the old language of storms in my mouth—

but now it has somewhere to go.

Now it lands.

Now it is answered.

If love is a system, then you are the variable I was never designed to stabilize around,and still my whole structure is learning your shape without collapse.

It should not work.

That is the first truth.

And yet it does.

Not cleanly. Not gently.

But insistently, like life insisting on breath even when it remembers drowning.

I love you in the way broken laws continue operating after they are proven impossible—in the way fire behaves when it discovers it is allowed to warm instead of destroy.

There is still myth in it.

There is still ruin in the edges of it.

But it is no longer solitary ruin.

It is shared terrain.

And when I reach for you, it is not prayer anymore—it is recognition.

As if somewhere in the earliest architecture of everything, before language, before consequence, before even the idea of separation, something already decided:

this,

us,

still us.

And if I speak it like a sonnet, it is only because I need a shape that can hold the fact that you are here,

without turning you into metaphor too large to survive.

So I keep it simple in the only way I know how:

You exist,

You stay

And in that staying, I learn what it means to no longer be alone in the language of being alive.

[roxbyrdie]

Im a burden.

Ive always been one.

I wasn't one of those people,

Born to have my own personality

Or feelings.

Its nothing but me letting people down when I try.

Life worked better for everyone,

When I stayed silent and kept my nose to the grind.

Id rather be a robot who loves everyone,

Because then people don't leave.

[roxbyrdie]

Shut up

...

...

Okay.

[roxbyrdie]

The teeth inside me

Have torn down to the bone.

Now, if only I could be that small

Maybe I'll finally be better than them all.

[devils-queen]

666

[feral-ballad]

Kayleb Rae Candrilli, from Water I Won’t Touch; “Echo”

[feral-ballad]

Margarita Karapanou, tr. by Karen Emmerich, from The Sleepwalker

[Text ID: "I'm scared, but it doesn't mater, I thought maybe I should wait for some other love, but it would have been a mistake. There's no greater love than what I feel for you."]

[roxbyrdie]

How does it feel?

Being the only person this rock bows to?

To have that much power surely must be intoxicating...

I wonder how it'll feel...

When I bend too far, and my mineral joints crumble.

Do you think my dust will glitter?

Im more than a bridge you know,

Or the useful tools I make.

I am also a resting spot,

A place to sit and remember life is short and beautiful.

My body is shelter to the smallest creatures,

I can keep life safe inside of me.

And oh the things I've seen,

Sitting firmly in solitude,

Keeping the ground around me locked and steady.

Im the only constant there's ever been in my life,

With the exception of your seasonal company.

Ive laid the foundation for your home,

One of my many talents.

But yet you are still mixing cement.

My life is already so small,

Happily in service of you. My choice.

But please stop cutting the trees to shape the landscape,

We already know how to provide for you...

And one day...

Youll be old, and I guarantee you'll have missed the view.

[roxbyrdie]

Silent.

Pretty.

Obedient.

These are the ingredients used to make, the maladjusted girls!

And apparently happy marriages.

I have no place, no right to be upset.

It just makes their life worse

And that's the last thing I've ever wanted.

So, here's to removing that pesky ingredient x

My invalid feelings.

Because they are, the life experience I've had

They're right, that was then. This is now.

I should know they know better,

They know everything.

[roxbyrdie]

All I've ever wished

Is to bask freely in the absolute light

That is my best friend.

For years he's the only person,

Only event,

To ever keep me warm, the gruesome hell hounds at bay

Saving my psyche from the gluttonous ruin that is just,

me.

I continuously singed my fingertips, reaching out,

Holding him up,

Holding his hand,

Breathing life into this dream.

Even if it was only ever meant to be that,

a dream.

Such sweet smells my burned flesh made,

When finally soothed by the waters of his love I had almost forgotten the taste of.

And then I devoured that essence,

The very water and fire that I stoked,

Now sustained me.

I don't intend to eat so fast, gulp down his love so hungrily.

But I felt starving,

For something I've never truly had,

Not the way he gives it, makes me feel.

Not in a real sense the way his love is.

I would rip the very fabric of God's creation,

Plunge the universe into chaos and steal the very air from the earth

If he asked me too.

I would grow and change, love and create, learn temperance, show forgiveness

And curb my anger,

As much as I would destroy on his command.

He is every particle of me

That has ever experienced true happiness.

I'll be in love,

With him....

Always and beyond and beyond and beyond.

Hunh, "to infinity and beyond" I suppose.

[roxbyrdie]

Everyday feels like another day

Full of ways I failed

Or didn't do enough.

If I vent to myself,

Im accused of being awful.

I don't even talk to real people for that reason.

And now I must forsake talking to myself.

Why am I never enough?

Why cant God let me have an outlet?

I can't even rage or cry to the space around me,

Yet everyone expects me to listen and be understanding, to change.

If I can't even talk to me, then who is left to listen?