í룚ì ë, self para
when: 2010 ⶠ2012 ⶠ2014 ⶠ2019 ⶠ2020
warnings: signs of depression and anxiety ?? just some negative thoughts but i'd rather be safe than sorry
summary: being an idol isn't really his dream but he has worked hard for this and throwing it away doesn't really feel like an option.
notes: idk man i'm just trying to get my muse back that's all.
word count: 763
after returning from school, siwan starts working on a routine for the next monthly evaluation. he may not be the best dancer in comparison to other trainees, but he's worked hard to refine his own skills since he first became a trainee. but lately, he's been feeling as if he was lacking. it wasn't the usual missteps or simply getting the wrong moves, his concentration is elsewhere, the energy in his movements was gone.
he wasn't sure of how to fix this.
he has seen other trainees take the 'go hard or go home' too seriously, and that's not something he'd ever do. it was stupid and harmful. but-- maybe if he tried a little harder, pushed a little more, he'd find that spark. there's also the lingering feeling that making that extra effort would be a waste, was it even really worth it? being an idol isn't really his dream but he has worked hard for this and throwing it away doesn't really feel like an option.
he stopped and stared at his appearance in the mirror, hair disheveled and sweating. he wasn't happy. doesn't recall ever feeling this stressed. he wonders if things will eventually get better, remembers some of his siblings telling stories about how fun their trainee days had been-- difficult but fun. he sighed as he continued to stare at himself. any motivation he had when he entered spotlight was fading away.Â
it's only after they are done filming their first official music video and get to see the final result, when he hears his voice through the speakers, that it finally hits him. this is his life now. he hadn't given himself the chance to really wrap his head around it, that this is really happening.
siwan let's out a shaky breath.
a part of him thinks that this is a dream. fear, that's the most prominet feeling. he's been working so hard for this, what happens next? all he ever wanted was to prove that he was worth something, to make sure that his mother didn't give up on him. he feels exhausted and lost but this is only the begining. he shakes his head, right now is not the time to be having an existential crisis.
deep down, siwan wishes that he hadn't become and idol at all. at first, he had joined out of a fantasy that his mother had ingrained in his head. but when it comes to it, what he has gained from it can't compare to the sacrifices he had to make to get where he is right now. he feels stressed and anxious and scared most of the time. siwan often wonders what would have been if different decisions had been made. what would have happened if he hadn't debuted in traxx? if he hadn't followed his mother's advice? if he hadn't auditioned for spotlight in the first place? he contemplates on them more than he'd like to admit. there are too many days spent questioning everything to the point his head spins.
exhaustation is a constant part of his life, it has been for years. ever since he became a trainee in spotlight. but he feels the fatigue now more than ever before. everything feels so uninspiring and bleak.
siwan forces himself out of bed, arrives at the company way too early. he dislikes having meetings on the weekends, even though as an idol weekends are not very different from the usual work day. there's a lot of talking and he's aware that even if he speaks, idol's voices are very rarely listened. meetings are just an excuse for the company to tell them what exactly is expected of them and how things are supposed to play out.
a couple hours later, he stands outside of traxx's practice room, the one he's come to resent so much over the years, in bewilderment. everything feels numb. a solo debut. traxx has been caught up in scandal after scandal for a while now, it feels quite absurd, but he accepted it without much comment. siwan has almost no creative input but he's okay with that, he's not really interested, the less things to worry about the better.
it's been almost eight years since he signed with spotlight, eleven if we count trainee years, sometimes it feels like this is all he has. everyday blends into eachother, time passes without much impact. he always finds something or someone to be upset at. he knows that it will comeback and bite him in the ass one day.
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