"why are we such hopeless romantics, why cant we be a hopeful romantic?" -db2024
Jules of Nature

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if i look back, i am lost

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@rxghvendram
"why are we such hopeless romantics, why cant we be a hopeful romantic?" -db2024
“You remember too much, my mother said to me recently. Why hold onto all that? And I said, Where can I put it down?”
― Anne Carson, Glass, Irony and God
*kisses you while you're in the middle of infodumping* Sorry, you're just being really sexy right now. Continue.
i love tumblr because there's always someone who knows how to express what i feel better than me
Merry xmas! ❄
I wish someone had told me that love isn’t torture. Because I thought love was this thing that was supposed to tear you in two and leave you heartbroken and make your heart race in the worst way. I did not know that it was supposed to make you lighter, not heavier. I didn’t know it was supposed to take only the kind of work that makes you softer. I thought love was war. I didn’t know it was supposed to be peace.
DAISY JONES & THE SIX (2023)
on death with 1. lilies abounded, @petfurniture, twitter; 2. frances molina, “o’death”
how do you just get up and deal with the fact that there’s a last time for everything. there was a last time you sat on your dads shoulders and there was a last time your mom tucked you into bed. there’s going to be a last time you kiss your sister on the head and there’s going to be a last time you hug your best friend. there’s going to be a last time you feel exactly as you feel right now and there’s going to be a last time that person says i love you. i need to lay down
I cant even fantasize abt letting worms and wolves pick my whole body apart bone by bone somewhere in the woods anymore cuz i know theres microplastics in my lungs and shit. Its just not as primal with microplastics involved. The vibe is gone
are you constantly crushed by the overwhelming fear that you may not achieve your dreams or are you normal
took a picture of my school prayer plaque this evening after my last exam. my last day in school as a student body headgirl.
i won't need to look at the plaque anymore since i will no longer be called up upon the stage to conduct the prayer.
will no longer be embarrassed but really giddy about all the opportunities i am getting in the school.
i walked out of school as a happy student. i will cry about it for days but thats just life. endings are so important for moving on.
what killed me hurted me most was seeing lenny’s hint of a cry after the whole speech he gave midge at the end of the episode. “….you will break my fucking heart” will be a mantra in my mind. i will never forget it, just like the final exchange at 3x05. he thinks she’s so good and is so determined to see her thrive it’s RIDICULOUS to think she would sabotage it herself. he’s looking out for her in ways we don’t even know.
if only i had a hot best friend's brother 😔😔
Life was always moving on and so was I with people to places to distances to feelings to where not...
From Sitting in the bus to fighting for that one seat (it's always first come first serve)
From listening guys use slangs to knowing them and being friends with them (not like I wasn't using but okay)
From hating that one weird girl in class to being her crime partner best friend.
From "ugh I hate my teachers" to "oh I am gonna miss them so muchhhhhh"
From breaking rules in the assembly line to making two plates when its our turn on the stage
From getting scolded by the teachers for not completing homework to still getting scolded by teachers for not completing homework (not everything changes after all)
From having that first crush in school to being heart broken when they date some else
From going to the sick room cause we are actually sick to making up fake stories of I fell and twisted my leg and cannot attend the class
From eating lunch in the lunch break on our fixed seats to not knowing who ate who's tiffin
From "no phones aren't allowed in the school" to smuggling them like drugs in them school
From oh I won't even remember you when I leave school to I'll kill you if you forget me
From crying cause "mujhe school nhi jana na" to crying cause "oh no, school khatam hogya mujhe school jana hai"
From standing out of the class for coming late to never going back in the class
From we will be best friends forever to yes we are best friends FOREVER
From here to there life always moved on and seemingly yesterday I was in class 1 now I am in 12th and I'll be out of here in a few months but you'll always be there.
-E.
Feel free to not read this, followers, I’m just going on a little venting thing cause I just had a bit of a breakdown and need somewhere to put my thoughts that isn’t an active conversation. Content and Trigger Warning for discussion of the death of a grandparent and the ensuing grief.
That said, shame is such a fucking useless thing in like 99% of cases when it comes to emotions and shit.
Like, maybe I’ve just spent too much of my young life being aggressively queer and mildly punk and have been in waaaayyy too much therapy but like? Being ashamed of breaking down when you need too? Of having the unexpected sob fest when emotions you didn’t even realize were building up demand to be let out? Of cying just in general? Fucking useless.
ESPECIALLY with grief. Like, my maternal grandma who I was pretty dang close with and attached to, died two and a half weeks ago. It was unexpected. It was sudden. It was terrifying and harrowing and it hurt and then I moved on with my life cause I’d already had to put off my move three states over by a week and then I really couldn’t reschedule my flight again even though it was two days after the funeral.
So today, after watching a commercial on tv with my dad and step mom [for my friends reading this I’m just calling April my step mom it’s close enough] I suddenly had to take a moment because it had reminded me of a thing that my grandma used to do. So I walked down to the bedroom and let myself breathe and thought I’d just be a minute and be fine.
Then I started to cry. And I kept crying. And I couldn’t stop and I started to full on sob and shake and good god it was like I was shaking apart at the seems as her loss hit me like a wrecking ball all over again.
Dad and step mom came to see what was wrong after I’d taken way longer than reasonable coming back. Hugged me held me tight as I fucking bawled myself into a gross snotty mess and then kept on crying for thirty more minutes as I slowly got myself back together and talked about my gram a bit.
And after I’d calmed down and gotten all cleaned up and everything me and dad have to head back to our house (‘step mom’ doesn’t live with us cause it’s a complicated thing and she’s not actually my dad’s wife don’t worry about it) and we talked and they both kept assuring me that this was alright and okay and I don’t need to be upset about breaking down.
Which is great don’t get me wrong we love emotionally avalible and healthy parental figures, but why would I be upset? Because society told me it’s unseemly to breakdown? Because there’s a weird culture of only grief that’s clean and neat being acceptable? Fuck no.
I knew I was going to breakdown at some point, I expected it, and I’m very fucking glad I wasn’t alone cause it caught me out of left field.
But I’m not ashamed. I’m grieving the loss of an amazing woman and the matriarch of one half of my family who was one of the most accepting and loving and kind people I have EVER known. I’m going to cry and be irrational and have a breakdown after watching a Reese’s commercial that tangentially reminds me of her chocolate chip cookies.
Shame has no place in my grief, and when the time comes that any of you who made it to the end of this rant loose someone important to you (and I don’t care if it’s a parent or a parakeet loss hurts and it’s allowed) — shame won’t deserve a place in your grief either. Cry and scream and rage at the sky, you’re allowed to be hurting and you’re allowed to show it as long as you don’t hurt other people doing it. And if you do? You apologize, you recognize what went wrong and your behavior, and you move on.
Because grief is a strange thing just like the rest of our emotions — and being ashamed of it is pointless.
“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”
— Epiphany