YOU HAVE STOLEN MY HEART! @ryukatters - Tumblr Blog

|| moon river. || part. xiii. ||

|| masterpost || part xii. || part xiv. || ao3 ||

“Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it." David Foster Wallace. pairing: Levi x fem bodied reader chapter content: modern au, coworkers au, suggestive themes, SMUT (we're having vanilla loving intercourse okay), unfaithfulness themes (there is no cheating!), alcohol/drinking, fluff paired with heavy angst, cliffhanger warning, self deprecating thoughts, Levi's sad sad past, reader's respective past, the kids are Fighting, description of a panic/anxiety attack, mentions of previous death and related traumas, terminal illness mention, this chapter is equally cute as it is dark man, jealousy, did not beta this one we are dying like men, minors/ageless blog do not interact. summary: in which levi gets a little jealous. wc: 11.7k a/n: there will be no warning, only chapter appearing on your dash. after two and a half years, I am back writing this story. thank you, YOU I AM TALKING DIRECTLY TO YOU, for sticking around so patiently for this update. I love this story with my entire heart and soul. thank you for loving it as much as I do. I hope you enjoy.

“Have you ever thought about where you’ll be in five years?”

The question catches you off guard, shattering the comfortable silence hanging in perfect fragility of the moment. The sun is scorching hot, and you’re absolutely positive the intense rays are leaving burns on your exposed body. The sky is cloudless, the sand beneath you is baking in the heat, you find absolutely no relief in your lounging form, or solace in the dampened towel under the backs of your legs. There’s a breeze, not strong enough to bring forth a chill, but just enough of one to dance and tickle its way through your ears.

As soon as Mikasa is done with this conversation, you’re sprinting full speed into the lake directly in front of you. You feel as though you’re laying in fire sunbathing on this beach.

“Not really,” You say nonchalantly. “You?”

“Yeah. I think about it all the time, actually.” Her gaze is transfixed straight ahead towards the gentle waves caressing the shoreline, leaning so comfortably back in her beach chair.

“Where do you think you’ll be?” You redirect her question.

Your sight is hinged in deep oranges, a side effect of the sunglasses perched over your eyes, but it doesn’t obstruct the view of Mikasa’s gentle smile as she responds, “Here. Owning a big house, being a doctor, maybe I’ll be married or something.”

“Definitely married,” You chuckle. “You’re already getting proposals.”

“Jean asking me out on a date is not a proposal,” She crosses her arms.

“You should go out with him, he seems nice!”

“He blushes every single time he sees me. It’s embarrassing.”

“I think it’s sweet!”

“I don’t.”

The two of you share a look and erupt into laughter. You shake your head, “Fine, fine. Who are you getting hitched to in your dream future?”

“Well, Eren and I have been close almost our entire lives,” Mikasa muses cautiously.

“Eren is a full blown idiot.”

“He’s cute,” She defends.

“Mika,” Your tone deepens. “He’s not worth your time or energy.”

“Yeah well, he was worth yours, wasn’t he?”

The sour expression painted across her face is painful enough to look at, but accompanied by the venom on her tongue, the hurt you feel is comparable to being stabbed in the chest. Your heart tightens at the internal pain.

Eren is just your friend these days. He is nothing more and nothing less.

“I’m sorry,” Mikasa sighs. “I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay.” It’s not, but you tell her this anyway.

“I’ve just always liked him, you know? Even if he doesn’t feel the same, I can’t help it. I just do.”

You nod, “I get it. I just think you deserve someone who’s head over heels for you.”

“Yeah, well, he is for you isn’t he?” She digs her toes in the hot sand and allows your silence to settle the topic. She fills the air, “So anyways, five years, where are you?”

Your eyes float away towards the glimmering water before you. It’s nearly blinding, the way the rays bounce off the waves in full opacity. The lake almost looks black in color beneath the sparkles.

“In five years,” You start slowly. “I really don’t know. Probably here, just like you.”

“Is that what you want?”

“No.”

“So then you know what you want.”

“I want to be somewhere new,” Your lips lift into a sad smile. “Meeting new people, exploring the world, all that sappy stuff. Maybe I’ll be able to do it with my degree, that’d be really cool.”

“It would be,” She nods. “Then I could travel with you to all those places, visit you wherever you settle down. Maybe we could be pen pals.”

You close your eyes. Mikasa has no idea. “Pen pals, that’d be cute.”

“You’ll have an art gallery in every major city,” She continues excitedly. “Critics will be raving about you. I can see it now.”

“Not even the best artists get those kinds of reviews.”

“You will though. I’m sure of it.”

“I’ll miss you,” You try your best to disguise your growing tears as a chuckle, as choked up as it may sound.

“We’ll talk every day,” She states. “You won’t miss me that much. It’ll be like I’m right there with you, wherever you are.”

“Let’s not talk about it anymore, I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.” Because this isn’t a five year plan, you’re leaving soon and she has no idea.

“Okay, fine,” Mikasa shakes her head, a playful grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. “Only because I don’t want to get emotional either. Just know you have my full support.”

“And I just want you to know,” You take a deep, staggering breath. “That I really love you, Mika. I always will.”

She slaps her palm against your bare bicep, “I just said I don’t want to cry! Stop it!”

You laugh, “Okay! Okay! I just had to tell you!” In case you never get the opportunity to again.

“And I just have to tell you right now, whoever is the last one in that water, has to be the one to go on that date with Jean.”

She bolts out of her chair with a ferocity comparable to a lightning strike. Your jaw drops and you scramble to your feet, screaming after her, “That’s not fair! I don’t even like Jean!”

Mikasa is already at the bank of the lake when you finish shouting, bare feet colliding with the tender waves that melt on the shore.

-

You’re awake, yet the memory continues to play behind your closed eyelids. That day spent at the lake was one of your last moments with your beloved friend, and it’s not a day you often like to dwell on. It’s too painful to remember. How completely unaware Mikasa had been of your plans, yet so in tuned to you, like she had known all along.

How strange that you think of her now, of that specific memory. You mull it over for a brief second, remembering how freezing cold the water was beating against your knees, how soft the sand was under your toes. Mikasa’s face is the only detail that seems blurry, and you realize it’s fading. It’s been well over a year since that day. You don’t know how to feel about that.

A fingertip tracing your spine jolts your body forward, a quiet gasp releasing from your lips. You hear a thick chuckle behind you, “Sorry, did I scare you?”

You turn over onto your back, Levi’s straying finger blossoming into a full palm on your stomach, and you hum, “Maybe.”

Levi smiles in response, eyes heavy and drooping, “Too bad.”

Entirely distracted now from your previous thoughts, you shimmy closer to Levi’s bare chest, nestling your head in the crook of his neck. “You’ve got a lot of attitude going on right now, not sure if I like it.”

“Is this a complaint?”

“Formally, no. Just a critique.”

“Hm. I don’t accept those.”

“Critiques?”

“Complaints,” he corrects.

You nip at the skin of his shoulder, “What would you call this exchange then?”

Levi grasps your chin, angling your face towards his, “A disagreement.”

“And how do you plan on addressing this problem?”

“Like this.”

His lips are swollen from sleep, and so entrancingly soft as his head dips down to meet yours. He kisses you slowly, his tongue pressed to the back of his teeth, swiping sneakily past the barrier to prod at your bottom lip. You melt, bidding a goodbye to your sarcasm to fall under Levi’s spell.

“What are you doing today?” He murmurs against your mouth.

“Working,” You respond, trying to recapture his kiss.

He leans away playfully, “What a coincidence, me too.”

“Levi,” You pout. “Stop teasing.”

“Teasing? Me?” His wrist rises, thumb grazing the underside of your chin. He gently sucks in a puff of air, your focus darting to the sliver of tongue that appears when his mouth parts. “I’m just trying to talk to you, jolie fille.”

(Pretty girl.)

“Talk to me later,” You mumble, leaning in closer. “This is a priorité.”

(Priority.)

“Look at you,” Levi chuckles. “En utilisant vos mots, une fille si intelligente.”

(Using your words, such a smart girl.)

You roll your eyes, unknowing and uncaring to what he even said, and press your lips to his once more. Levi succumbs valiantly, you think, his hand trailing down to caress your neck, keeping you trapped in your embrace.

Would it be too much to tell him you loved him again? You’re tempted, and it would be so easy — pulling away when the troublesome need to breathe surfaced, the skin of your mouth still entangled with his, so softly brushing against one another as you speak those words, “I love you, Levi” — no, it’s too much. Too soon.

You don’t regret telling him so rashly last night, entirely lost in the throes of heat and pleasure and passion. You do wish you had made the sentiment more meaningful though.

You’ll have plenty more opportunities to do just that, you think. To tell him you love him.

“So soft,” Levi purrs, delicately sucking your bottom lip. “Maybe you were right. We can talk later.”

A whine gets trapped behind your teeth when his fingers tighten around your throat, squeezing lazily. Fire ignites in your sleepy body, your eyelids fluttering and breathing shallow. It’s ridiculous how much of an effect Levi has on you. Although, you suppose that must be love. Or at the very least, lust, and that is an emotion you are not hesitant to express.

Something changes when he locks his eyes to yours, his hand beginning its descent down your goosebump ridden skin. He halts his motions, a look of worry painting his expression. Your eyebrows furrow, a look of confusion on yours.

“Maybe we should talk,” Levi says after a moment of silence. “About last night.”

That fire flooding your veins turns into frigid ice. The juxtaposition of temperature kills any of the previous budding desire in your core, and in an attempt to recapture it, you shake your head. There’s no need to talk about anything.

Levi presses his hands to the tops of your shoulders, immobilizing you from chasing after his kiss again, “We need to talk about what happened.”

“I told you already, last night,” You resign. “I called a friend from home. She didn’t answer.”

He sighs your name, “Have you talked to her since you left?”

It’d be a lot easier to lie if Levi wasn’t looking at you so intently, so full of care and worry. You tell the truth, “No. I haven’t talked to anyone. Kind of ruins the mystery of running away from home.”

He skips past your poor excuse of a joke, “That’s why you were crying then.”

“Yeah.” You close your eyes.

“You miss her.” Not posed as a question, just a simple observation.

“Of course.”

“Maybe she’ll call back,” He murmurs, and when you open your lids and peer at his face, his expression is vacant.

“I called her to talk about you,” You say slowly. “I wanted to tell her about us.”

Levi blows a humored breath out of his nose, “How cute.”

“It was mostly to brag. You’re really hot and we have incredible sex.”

That elicits a change in his features, the playfulness returning into his eyes, “How modest of you.”

“What can I say? I am nothing but humble.”

“If that’s what you want to call it, sure.”

“You wouldn’t describe me as such? Ouch.”

“There’s a lot of words to describe you, but modest and humble aren’t at the top of my list.”

“Of course, how could they when the list starts at beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, captivating—“

“Just do me a favor,” Levi turns serious one final time, laying his forehead against yours. “If you need to cry, don’t run away. I can handle a few tears.”

You soften, “What if there’s a lot of them? What if I have snot all over my face and I cry really ugly?”

“Anything, I can handle it. Just don’t run away from me, okay?”

There’s something swirling in his silver eyes, something you can’t place. Fear, maybe.

“Okay,” You breathe.

“Okay,” He says. His thumb swipes across your jaw, grazing the shell of your ear. “Your breath stinks, by the way.”

You roll your eyes, pulling away from his embrace, “So does yours, asshole. C’mon, let’s go get ready for the day.”

-

You’ve worked an uncountable amount of shifts beside Levi, but tonight feels much different than any previous times. Maybe it’s due to the fact that his eyes never leave you once — truthfully, they never have, as Levi was always expecting you to fuck up crafting a drink, or to trip and fall and break something, including yourself. Or maybe it’s because he’s being incredibly bold tonight, trailing his fingers along your back as he brushes behind you, leaning in extra close to your face when you speak to him about a customer’s drink order.

But it’s probably different because of the undeniable fact you are in love with him and you are the one unable to keep your gaze off of Levi. You aren’t a master of subtlety, that much you can admit, but you feel that you’re making your yearning extra obvious tonight.

It’s not exactly a secret you and Levi are fucking each other anymore anyways. Hange and Petra know, even Claude, who sits smugly at his usual stool, fifty dollars richer than he was before all thanks to his winning bet.

You still need to find out what this bet was exactly. It’s eating away at you in the same way you’d be unable to remember if you left the faucet running at home. Stuck lingering in the back of your mind, it’s a nuisance of a thought.

Levi has this stupid, and probably right, idea that you two need to be professional at work. What a joke, since he nearly fucked you raw in Hange’s office a few weeks ago. Now he wants to play the perfect angel, all sweet and compliant?

Realistically, if this kind of relationship between boss and employee had happened in any other job setting, you’d both be sitting in some office, tails between your legs while you recounted your indiscretions to a Human Resources representative. However, in your special case, said representative caught you red handed and spread open on their desk and laughed in your face.

So you feel entitled to the opinion Levi is going for overkill with the elusive displays of affection. Sure, when he dipped closer to your face to understand your speech you did try to pucker your lips and kiss him. Yeah, it’s understandable he pulled away, a customer standing directly in front of you. But who cares? Everyone already knows anyway.

You pause in the middle of your thought process, uncorking a bottle of wine. What do they know exactly? Do they think of the two of you as a fling, or something more serious? What is the definition of you and Levi anyways? Is the naming of a title something that concerns you now? What do they think? What does Levi think? What do you think?

You flicker a glance to the ravenette, speaking loudly to a patron. It wouldn’t be so bad to be his girlfriend, you think. Girlfriend feels so childish though, but friend doesn’t seem serious enough. Fuck-buddy is off the table with the L-bomb being dropped. Partner would imply years of history. Any other title requires a formality both you and Levi are definitely not ready for.

So where does this leave you? Why do you suddenly care so much about what the two of you are, and what others may think?

Maybe, you ponder, you feel this way because no one has been solely yours before. Any romantic conquests in your past have been defined by noncommittal ambiguity, a do not ask and do not talk about policy. You have never truly claimed a lover, not in the permanent sense.

You think of Eren, of all the awkward fumblings and inquisitive explorations, the lack of feelings and passion. You ponder what it meant to be a young girl discovering her sexuality and romantic feelings, and finding nothing of substance at the time. Sure, Eren was fun, but what did it mean?

It meant that you knew what love would really feel like when it finally rolled around, you decide. Not that you didn’t hold love for your friend, but it wasn’t – Levi. Levi, who urges you to self-reflect and dissect your past to build a solid foundation for your — well, whatever this is.

Truth be told, you’ve never really done this before. Taking a look in the mirror is uncomfortable. But Levi deserves someone capable of humility. You wouldn’t call yourself shallow, but neither would you declare yourself deep. Maybe it is time to change that.

Not just for him, but because you deserve it too.

You smile softly upon the epiphany. Maybe you’ve been treating yourself so unkindly for all this time because you never really believed you were deserving of this kind of love. Maybe that’s why you have your track record of escapes. Maybe this is why you’re choosing to stay.

Your fingers gently brush against Levi’s back as you glide behind him. A tall glass of wine leaves your opposing palm, passing it off to a patron. You wear that silly smile with pride and continue on with your shift, heart warm and mind distracted by wickedly sweet love.

The end of your shift arrives surprisingly fast. The bar was fairly busy tonight and thankfully easy to manage. Though the feeling of confidence has settled in for a few weeks now, you’re at a place where you can boldly declare that you are now excelling at your job. You have regulars, specifically requesting you to make their cocktails. It feels good. It feels rewarding to see your hard work and perseverance pay off.

“Hey! Did Levi tell you yet?”

You glance up from your side work, rinsing soapy glasses. Hange leans against the bar counter, elbows sliding across disinfectant Levi had just sprayed.

“Tell me what?”

“Good for nothing,” Hange laughs under their breath. “I’m hosting a dinner party tomorrow night! Nothing fancy, but fancy-ish.”

“What’s the occasion?” You ask.

“Moblit’s birthday!” They grin. “No need for gifts either, I have everything handled.”

“Are you sure?” You ask, frown sliding from the corners of your mouth. “I feel weird walking in empty-handed.”

“I’m sure,” Hange winks. “Your presence is gift enough. Although, if a bottle goes missing from the bar, I won’t say anything.”

You chuckle, shaking your head. “Of course I’ll be there!”

Hange throws a thumbs up, speaking loudly over your head, “Levi! Bring your camera!”

He grunts, nodding without glancing over. Hange disappears shortly after, and the night dwindles on. Uneventful and quickly, your shift wraps up.

Per routine, Levi walks you home after locking up. He holds your hand, making casual conversation about nothing in particular. You smile and nod along to his words, though you mostly stare at where your fingers interlock with his.

It’s sweet, being like this with him. It’s heartwarming to be invited to parties together hosted by your mutual friend. Whatever title you two hold doesn’t seem so important when you’re in this moment, so viciously present and insurmountably happy.

Stationed in the sanctity of your bedroom, Levi presses open mouthed kisses to the nape of your neck, fingers reaching lower and lower down your clothed belly. He whispers inaudible sweet nothings between his employed lips, tracing the peaks and valleys of your flesh. You shiver in anticipation, arching and mewling at the divine attention.

You find it justified that you’re picking up exactly where the two of you had left off this morning. Or rather, what you didn’t start.

In the process of, whatever you want to call it, you’ve discovered that your insatiable appetite for Levi reaches no limit. You crave him insistently. There is no way to quench your desire for him, in every and any form he exists in.

It is all consuming. Where you had feared love before, every fiber of your soul screams to pursue and to follow.

His hand dips below the waist of your jeans, palm cupping your covered heat. Levi grinds the heel against your cleft, an action all too teasing and mean to declare enjoyment over.

You need more. You will always need more from him.

In a frenzied haste, you spin to face him, ripping clothing from your body. His focus is violently direct, his eyes never leaving yours as Levi follows suit. Standing bare before one another, you lunge for his lips, kissing him so deeply and passionately you knock the breath from your lungs. He matches your vigor, carding his fingers through your hair and caressing the back of your neck.

It feels as though you two are the only living beings in the entire world. There is no one else who exists or matters.

Levi, Levi, Levi, you mentally repeat in a mantra. Love, love, love.

Your palms glide down his naked biceps, clutching and scraping at his tense muscles. You grip and mold, memorizing every curve and indent in his flesh. When your hands meet his wrists, you clutch desperately at the bones.

He takes the touch as a plea. With a warm press of his open hand to the dip of your back, he leads you backwards until the inside of your knees rest against the mattress. You fold at the contact, laying down. Levi cascades over you in a seamless set of motions, never interrupting the meeting of your mouths. Your legs circle his waist, ankles hooking once they collide, and without a drop of elegance you lift your hips to slide against his. Your dripping center brushes against his throbbing member, your sexes so wet and hot from all of the anticipation.

“Want you,” You murmur against the plush of his lips. “Need you.”

Levi barely nods, too consumed in the sizzling connection. Your lashes part as he nips at your bottom lip, gazing at him with starry eyes as he pulls away. A whine ripples through your vocal chords at his departure, despite knowing the distance will be short lived. A smirk dances across his mouth, his eyes lidded and heavy as he takes in your form.

His head descends, his mouth parting in anticipation to greet your heat with salivating fever. Your hand darts up, tugging at his scalp to stop his movements. When his eyes lock to yours, confusion swirling in his silver irises, you shake your head. Silently, you answer him with another kiss, lifting your hips once more to rock yourself against his cock.

Levi understands, or so you assume. He reaches down, sliding an inquisitive fingertip through your folds. You whimper at the contact, so sensitive and so needy. With a curse under his breath, his palm circles around his swollen member, jerking languidly. Guiding the leaking head between your blossomed petals, he swirls your clit in a messy pattern. He lines himself to your entrance, pausing to gaze into your eyes.

He wants you too. He needs you too. It’s written all over his face.

Slowly, Levi pushes in. Your hole wraps around the head selfishly, walls contracting and pulling his shaft deeper. He hisses in pleasure, his pupils rolling behind his eyelids. His hips jerk as he is completely consumed by you. His cock twitches, pressing upwards at the soft spongy spot lurking in the depths of your cunt. You choke on a moan, lifting and rotating yourself to repeat the motion.

“I’m gonna’ cum if you keep doing that,” Levi says breathlessly. “Fuck, feels so good.”

“Don’t care,” You whine. “I need you, Levi.”

“So selfish,” He chuckles darkly. “Want it that bad, huh?”

You nod, gasping as his hips flick in a shallow thrust. His palms travel to the backs of your thighs, lifting your legs until your ankles dangle at his shoulder blades. The burn in your muscles feels so sinfully good, it renders you wordless.

“All yours,” Levi says huskily. The gaze he holds contains such depth, a rich endearment swirled with pure carnal desire.

He plunges. The pace he sets is sweet, each pull and thrust stroking at every nerve ending within your body. You grip at his arms tight, holding onto some semblance of grounding. Your mind is gone entirely, your voice a casualty to your surmounting pleasure. That familiar liquid fire begins to build, igniting your veins, teasing at feelings beyond your comprehension.

The bedframe shakes, creaking and groaning with Levi’s increasing pace. His mouth is positively filthy, hissing intelligible praises and curses. His expression maintains that desperate ferocity, his eyes raking up and down your flexed body. Your breasts sway with each movement, your torso pressed together so tightly you feel as if your lungs are in your throat. You’ve never been a contortionist, but in this position, you fear that you may gain the skills necessary for the job. The stretch of your muscles only echoes the pressure building in the pit of your belly, a numbing effect replacing any pain.

A hand leaves your thigh, trailing down the curve of your ass and the decline of your center. A fingertip trails the crease, a thumb presses to your aching clit. A swirl, gentle at first swipe. A delicious pressure applied. A breathless moan. A quickening speed.

You’re out of your right mind. Completely at Levi’s mercy, you gape up thoughtless and outright stare. You’re sure your expression conveys how absolutely fucked out you feel.

Levi makes good on your neediness. His rolls are precise and aimed to deliver the mind-blowing euphoria your body begs for. It’s filthy, how well he knows your desires. How well he executes the actions required to bring you to climax. When one pattern on your clit grows weary and familiar, he swipes up and down, eliciting toe curling and bone shaking.

This is a union intended only for pleasure. You want it fast, hard, and immediately. From the brutality he unleashes, Levi craves the same.

The heat in the bottom of your sternum rises, impossible to ignore. You’re close, and judging by his thrusts growing irregular, Levi is as well.

“Come on, pretty girl,” He begs. “Meet me there, I know you can.”

You cry out in response, panting at all the attention. His cock stretches against your tightening walls, brushing at the back of your cunt. His thumb works in tandem, amplifying the dizzying stimulation. Levi’s going to force it out of you.

Your legs quiver, still positioned high, as you begin to approach absolution. It’s going to hit you hard, you know this. It’s all too much but exactly what you need.

It all spills over in a matter of seconds. Before the words can even reach the back of your teeth, you’re shaking and shrieking breathlessly. Billow waves plummet over you, bright white casts your vision. You constrict and pulse around Levi, who gasps and moans alongside you. His dick throbs, twitching erratically as he meets his demise. A mix of fluids fill you entirely, the world pausing for the moments shared in complete bliss.

You cum so hard it is almost agonizing. Levi whines above you, shoving his face in the crook of your neck, gripping ferociously at whatever he can grasp. His thumb twitches but remains dutiful, stroking at your sensitive bud with increasing gentleness. The come down is hard. It feels never ending. He breathes deeply, huffing hot air against your skin.

When you finally begin to regain conscious thought, the stretch in your lower body becomes unbearable. You whimper, tired and exhausted from all the vigorous activity and uncomfortable flexing. Levi loosens his grip on your thigh, slowly bringing it down beside his torso. You cringe at the feeling, soreness settling in within your hips. The relief is almost immediate despite.

“Fuck,” You giggle, pressing a sweet kiss to Levi’s temple. “I fucking love you.”

He grunts in response, eliciting a more pronounced laughter from your gut. A lazy peck is placed upon your clavicle, and you understand it as a shared sentiment of emotion. He rolls over unceremoniously, flopping onto his back beside you. Reaching for your palm, he intertwines his fingers with yours.

After a few moments of lounging in post sex euphoria, Levi searches for a towel to clean up all the mess left behind. He cleans you thoroughly despite the exhausted state, a content smile glued to his lips.

Levi likes taking care of you, you’ve learned. As you settle into bed for some much needed rest, scratching loving patterns between his shoulder blades, you observe another simple fact.

You like taking care of him too.

You love him.

-

Hange’s house is almost exactly what you’d expect their house to look like and at the same time not what you’d envisioned at all. Which you feel is pretty on brand for your employer and friend — predictably unpredictable.

Stationed on a crowded suburban street on the outskirts of the city, the home seems extraordinarily normal, especially nestled in tightly with the neighboring exteriors. The houses line up directly side by side, roof heights varying and unique but still so distinctly antique and harmonious — if it wasn’t for Levi guiding you inside the intended dwelling, you could’ve walked up to any single one of these homes with the utmost confidence that this was Hange’s residence.

The difference would’ve struck you immediately upon entering the wrong dwelling. Hange’s decorating is so irrefutably Hange’s that, well, it makes sense. The front door opens into a dining room, cluttered with deep brown furniture — there’s hardly any room to walk.

There isn’t a single centimeter of wall that remains bare, dark maroon paint peaks through here and there in between photographs, years of memories being honored and celebrated in each frame. It sort of reminds you of Levi, minus the chaotic placement. You curiously peak at the ravenette as you glide through the entryway, watching his eye twitch at the sheer disorganization.

You stifle a laugh, but you become instantly distracted upon the mesmerizing sight of the beautiful line of house plants lounging against the front room window. Nestled in the corner, given just enough space to dance and bloom with the sun, the greenery stuns you. You think of Jeremy and his potential and you mirror Levi’s expression.

You clench your teeth. Hange’s plants, plural, three of them to be exact, entangle their limbs together, speckled leaves caressing one another so lovingly. As if they’re the greatest of friends, choosing to bloom and grow together without any complaint or hostility.

Jeremy needs a friend, needs one yesterday.

Through a narrow hallway leading away from the front room, Hange and Moblit emerge, but before they’re able to greet the three of you, a golden haired puppy comes barreling forward. His face squishes in between Moblit’s ankles comically, and the little one is off.

His paws are too big in comparison to his body, his legs uncoordinated, the puppy jets to Levi first. He yips excitedly, tail wagging, licking and biting at the tips of Levi’s shoes in greeting.

You smirk, unable to hold back your chuckling this time, and bring yourself down to a crouch. Big brown eyes flicker towards you, and Levi becomes old news.

In your hands in an instant, paws on your chest to stare into the depths of your soul, you fall so deeply in love that you question if you’ve ever truly loved before this moment.

You glance up at Levi, stars in your eyes and the beginnings of a plea on your lips. He glares back in response.

Well, there goes that idea of convincing him to get a dog. To be fair though, you’re underestimating your abilities. After all, you made it your life’s mission to befriend him, and despite the odds it worked out even better than what you had set out to do. So just maybe you could figure out a plan in which he ends up with a furry companion in his arms.

With mandatory visitations and custody rights on your behalf, of course. Really, the dog would just live at Levi’s, but it’d be yours.

“No need for us to say hello then since Bean has that covered,” Moblit chuckles. “Thanks for coming guys.”

“Thanks for having us,” You beam. “Happy birthday Moblit!”

He grins shyly, bashfully thanking you. “Hange’s finishing up cooking now, please make yourselves at home!”

“By finishing up you mean the delivery driver is almost here?” Levi arches a brow.

You smack his arm playfully, “Levi!”

“Hey! I worked hard placing that order over the phone!” Hange shouts. “Do you know how hard it is to place an order that large?”

Moblit sheepishly chuckles, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “In our defense, they really did make a salad.”

You laugh, shaking your head. “No judgement here.”

“I’m judging,” Levi breathes.

You squint your eyes and raise your hand to land another blow. He relents his sarcasm.

“Anyways come on in, take your shoes off, get comfortable!” Hange says. “Drinks are in the kitchen! Help yourself!”

The couple lead you further into their home, the puppy at their heels. Bean is his name, if you remember correctly. His paws patter across the wooden floor, and your heart melts.

More plants and a dog. You’re going to look into this immediately.

Down the short hallway, the walls open up to a large living room. Dark emerald green couches take up the majority of the space, a large coffee table sitting in the center of the room. More pictures decorate the room, more notability family portraits of people you don’t recognize. Parents and cousins, you presume.

You inform Levi that you’re going to grab a drink from the kitchen. He nods, beginning to embark on a conversation about photography with Moblit.

You follow Hange’s directions to their kitchen, and nearly slam into something tall and hard once you pass through the door frame. A pair of muscular hands grasp your shoulders, preventing a disastrous fall.

“Nice to see you again too!” Erwin laughs, bright and cheerful.

Heat rises to your cheeks, “I am so sorry! Wow, that’s so embarrassing. I’m sorry, I didn’t hurt you or anything did I?”

“Not at all!” His hands trail down your arms, releasing once they reach your elbows. “Could’ve been rough for you though. The floor isn’t very forgiving in this place.”

You laugh weakly, “I’ll find some other way to put myself in danger, I’m sure. How are you?”

Erwin smiles charmingly, “Busy. I have a client in the area that is entirely too demanding of my time. But they make phenomenal art, so I just have to deal with it I suppose.”

“Oh, what do you do?” You crane your neck to the left.

“I’m an art collector,” He says proudly. “Well, dealer, but primarily collector.”

“That’s amazing!” You say. “You must travel all over the place!”

“It’s exhausting,” He chuckles. “But extremely fulfilling. It’s a family business, so I inherited the job when my father retired. I never got the hang of creating any art myself, but admiring it is a skill in itself.”

You nod, “Absolutely.”

Feminine arms wrap around your midsection as your name is shouted into your ear, “Hey! Is Erwin talking your ear off?”

“I was only telling her about my deeply riveting and nuanced career,” Erwin smirks.

“Boring,” Petra whispers. You conceal a giggle poorly. “I’d rather be the artist, like this wonderfully talented girl here.”

“Oh, stop it,” You say sheepishly. “I’m not a professional by any means.”

“Really? You’re an artist?” Erwin quirks a brow. “You know, you kind of have that look about you.”

“The self-depreciating, existential dread look?”

“The look that you take in every detail,” He smiles. “You know, if you’re ever looking to be a “professional”, I’d love to see your work.”

“She would love that!” Petra shakes your shoulders gently. “Weren’t you just saying that you were thinking about taking classes again?”

You bite your lip. While you like your art and even consider your pieces to be adequate, this proposition seems far from your capabilities. Don’t professional artists have to be geniuses? You paint well, you know all about composition and color theory and what-not, but not like that.

Honestly, you don’t know what to quite make of this conversation, so you decide to play to humbleness, “I was, yeah. I don’t really finish pieces, so I couldn’t show off anything that I’ve done.”

“Ah, I see,” Erwin says. “In any case, I know a studio in the city that holds classes every other weekend. I frequent them myself, scouting out new clientele. I’d love to have you join me sometime. Say, next weekend?”

Is he – is he asking you out? Or are you secretly a narcissist, assuming Erwin, with his big blue eyes and exaggerated vowels, is hinting at anything other than platonic friendship? Maybe his work-life is slow, maybe he lacks the clientele he speaks of. Yeah, he probably is just searching for some unknown artistic genius to discover and make a stupid amount of money off of.

Maybe you’re just the fool to fall for it too. He speaks so earnestly, you doubt that he’s hitting on you. Besides, everyone knows you and Levi are together, right? Though, Erwin isn’t intimately involved in your friend group. Still, you never followed up with meeting with him when Hange initially suggested the idea. Didn’t he get the hint?

Besides, is a career as a painter something you truly want?

“She doesn’t need classes. She should be teaching them, actually,” The familiar grit and gravel of Levi’s voice cuts through the anticipation of your response. Petra takes a step back and Levi fills the empty space she leaves, a tight fist circling your waist. He grips you, almost possessively, as he continues, “Petra is right. She is talented.”

Erwin’s eyes lock on Levi’s embrace, a taut smile growing across his expression. “Levi, wonderful to see you again.”

“Likewise,” Levi replies dryly.

A pregnant pause ensues, tension thick enough to slice through. You flicker your focus between the two men. Erwin’s stature noticeably stiffens, his shoulders squared back and jaw flexed. It’s like he’s fighting for politeness. Levi – you crane your neck – looks as if he is about to launch himself toward the blonde. A storm rages behind his narrowed eyes, a frown deeply embedded in his mouth.

This is a bit ridiculous, in your humble opinion.

Petra must pick up on the brewing hostility, as she timidly breaks the ice, “Weren’t we grabbing drinks?”

“Yeah!” You speak just a bit too quickly, too high-pitched. “I totally forgot!”

“That was my fault,” Erwin relaxes just a fraction. “I completely interrupted you when you bumped into me. Good thing I caught you before you fell, at least.”

“Yeah, good thing,” You reply awkwardly.

Without further conversation, Erwin walks off in the direction of Moblit and Hange, throwing a cold glare at Levi. Levi’s eyes trail his retreating form, brows knitted together.

Levi momentarily distracted, you mouth a “what the fuck” to Petra, only answering you with a shrug of confusion.

Opting to press forward and forget the weird encounter, you follow the strawberry blonde into the kitchen. Levi follows suit, noticeably less tense. Petra pours the three of you a cup of pink looking liquid. The house drink, she remarks casually, probably something with vodka as it is Moblit’s poison of choice. You take a tentative sip, pleased with the taste, and enthrall yourself into light hearted conversation with your best friend.

Petra catches you up to speed with the on-goings in her life. The trials and tribulations of online dating, how work has sucked since the two of you haven’t shared a shift together in a couple of weeks, and how bothersome it is to own and drive a car in the city. You listen excitedly while Levi zones out. You spare a few glances in his direction, growing more and more worried about his quietness.

“I think they’re about to sing happy birthday!” Petra interrupts herself in the middle of a rant, leaning over your shoulder to gaze into the living room. “Looks like everybody is here now!”

You turn to see a sea full of people, only recognizing the hosts and Erwin. Everyone else is a stranger, and you laugh under your breath. Here you thought you were special, being Hange’s friend. Turns out, they have loads.

Makes sense, with their endearing personality and charming demeanor.

Levi trails behind you as Petra guides you to the crowd, erupting into the song once a lighter flicks in Hange’s palm. A cake is held in front of a sheepish Moblit, blushing and grinning ear-to-ear. You clap when he blows out the candle, laughing when Hange swipes a bit of icing from the top and glides it across Moblit’s cheek. He shakes his head, staring after Hange so lovingly it makes your heart swell.

It’s picture perfect. You look over to Levi expectantly, waiting for the flash of his camera. An empty space stands where he should be, but a bright white light strikes from somewhere else in the room. He doesn’t rejoin you afterwards.

Petra resumes her rambling, introducing you to other attendees amongst her conversation. You smile politely, feeling a bit out of place without Levi by your side. You try to push down that worry that something may be wrong, that perhaps you did something wrong, but it eats away at you throughout the night.

It isn’t until Erwin locks eyes with you from across the room that feeling of concern heightens. Nearing midnight, you haven’t seen your ravenette in nearly two hours. Did Levi think you were flirting with Erwin? Is he upset with you for simply talking to another man?

You’re becoming increasingly irritated by the idea. You love Levi, proclaimed it several times verbally and physically. You are as wrapped around his finger as one can possibly be. In fact, this is arguably the most time the two of you have spent apart in weeks. You have conquered your own fears and insecurities, reluctantly at the start maybe, but goddamn it. You did it.

You try to imagine yourself in Levi’s shoes. What if you had been the one to catch him talking to another woman? Pondering the thought for a moment, you lack the tight grip of jealousy in your stomach. Simply seeing another woman in the vicinity of your lover wouldn’t send you over the edge of rage and loathing. If she were to flirt with him? Still, no strong feelings claim to be felt. Just as you belong to Levi, he very much belongs to you.

But what if he doesn’t see it that way? Does he think you are noncommittal? That you lack the dedication and seriousness after all that has happened?

Levi has gifted you with so much, and has spent so much time by your side. Day in and day out, it has only been him. You eat every meal together. You share the same friend group. You work at the same job. You live next door to one another. You sleep in his bed three nights of the week, he sleeps in yours the remaining four. So quickly, he has become your entire world.

A clarity you did not seek comes hurtling towards you. Is it possible that he has grown bored of you? Is that why he abandons you now?

You’re spiraling, and you know that you’re spiraling. You feel mildly pathetic, leaning against the wall, sipping from your cup, gazing off into space. Petra walked off a bit ago, swept up between grabbing another drink and catching up with another friend. When did you get so dependent on Levi’s validation and attention? If you thought he was being ridiculous before, having a pissing contest with Erwin, you feel ten times outrageous at your trail of thoughts.

“Where’d your body guard go?”

Almost grateful for the distraction of a distinctly English accent, you focus on the blonde standing before you. “Levi is probably catching up with some friends, if that’s who you’re referring to.”

“How long have you guys been together?” Erwin places himself to your left, mimicking your anti-social lean.

“A little while now,” You smile. “How long have you guys known each other?”

“A little while now,” He smirks. “Moblit and I were coworkers for a spin, hence the friendship with Hange. Levi and them are a packaged deal. In a roundabout way, I guess that makes Levi and I friends too.”

“Really seems like it,” You say sarcastically.

Erwin chuckles warmly, “I wouldn’t say that I am his favorite person by any measure. He doesn’t appear to like me very much.”

“It took some time to break through his wall of ice, but with some blood, sweat, and tears, he’s really a great person,” You reply. “Oh, and a batch of cupcakes that he swears he hated.”

“Hm, noted,” He says. Following up with a diversion from the topic, he asks, “What brought you to the city?”

You dread this question. Only having explained it to Levi, Petra, and Hange, you feel very uncomfortable confronting the reality of your move. It sounds bad saying you ran away from home, horrible even. Like you have some deep, dark, mysterious past. In a way, sure, but it feels so childish in comparison to other people’s struggles.

“A change of pace,” You decide to answer. “Gave up most of my possessions, took all of my savings out, and decided to risk it all. You probably think it’s silly, but it ended up working out.”

“I don’t think it’s silly at all,” Erwin’s thick brows descend into his lashes. “That’s quite brave. You must’ve been so scared.”

Brave. A word Levi had previously used in a very different context. How peculiar that Erwin’s use of it feels wrong, like he’s coddling you.

“Yeah well,” You bite your cheek. “Like I said, everything worked out for the best.”

“Please forgive me if this comes across condescending in any way,” He begins, a weight dreadfully pools in your chest. “But based on what I know, you seem far too, what’s the word? Motivated to be where you’re at.”

“What do you mean?” You force down a defensive tone.

“Working at Hange’s,” He clarifies. “It shocked me when I first met you that someone like you would find yourself in the service industry. You don’t strike me as the type to conform to a typical easy job.”

“It isn’t easy, first of all,” You respond, words clipped and politeness abandoned. “Second, I am completely grateful that I even have a job. I was weeks away from being homeless. Levi and Hange are owed every bit of thanks for that.”

“I apologize if I’m being offensive. I tend to be blunt,” Erwin says hesitantly. You see the words forming behind his eyes, the careful choice of vocabulary as he continues, “I like you. I like what you have to say. You intrigue me. I think you have a lot more to offer, and I am interested in that.”

“Wow, you are blunt,” You blink, shocked at his confession.

“I was serious when I said I’d like to see your work. I’d like to get to know you better. Both professionally and otherwise.”

Your mind reels. So Erwin was flirting with you earlier. A pulse of rejection sweeps in your throat, ready to clarify your romantic interest as zero percent. Sure, you thought the blonde to be attractive previously, but that was before a certain raven haired asshole stole your heart and offered you something so beautiful in return. The idea of being with another man disgusts you, simply put.

Before you can respond, shutting him down on the spot, he extends two fingers, a business card slotted between them.

“Call me if you’re interested,” His eyes flicker over you, distracted by something. “Or whenever he isn’t around.”

While you’re gaping at the audacity of his words, Erwin seizes the opportunity to push the paper into your hand. He bids you a quick farewell, disappearing moments later.

Without an opportunity to process what just happened, fingers land on your shoulder. You jump, startled by the abrupt sensation, and crane your neck sharply to your right. Levi quickly removes his touch, expression stoic and hard.

“Where have you been?” You inquire, pressing a palm to your thrumming heart. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

“Around,” He stares blankly. “I’m ready to head out.”

“Oh, okay,” You say. “We should probably say goodbye to everyone then.”

“Yeah.”

Okay? You raise your eyebrows in question, but Levi is already en route to the nearest friend. With hugs and thanks to Hange and Moblit for hosting and a tender farewell to Petra, Levi leads you swiftly towards the front door. You make sure to pet Bean on the way out, tuckered out from all the attention the pup received from the party guests. Levi flags down a taxi, wordlessly opening the back door for you, and joins you from the opposite side.

The car ride home is spent in excruciating silence. The spiraling you traversed through earlier resumes, enhanced by Erwin’s offer. Did Levi hear all of that? Does he know that you’re not interested in Erwin or his professional opportunities?

You think back to the night prior, how strikingly different the energy feels between the two of you. Levi held your hand as you walked home, whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you drifted off to sleep, cuddled up in his embrace. He sits so far from you now in the backseat of this taxi, practically crushing himself against the door. You wish to cross the distressed leather, to laugh and smile as he recounts his night, thread your fingers through his and place sickly sweet kisses to his cheek.

You gaze at him from the corner of your eye. Levi glares out the window, figures beyond the glass blurring past in dizzying haste. Lights pass his face in a flash, illuminating his emotionless expression. You almost want to cry, displeased that he would assume the worst from you. Clearly, Levi is upset.

The thoughts take a darker turn, ones so deeply embedded in the rawest parts of your being. You disappointed him. You hurt him. He sees you in an entirely different light now. You are not a good person. This is all that you are good at, inflicting emotional pain and burden upon others.

Selfish. You are selfish. You do not deserve Levi or his affection.

You grip at the paper card in your pocket, bringing it discreetly into your lap. You rip it in half silently.

The ride is unbearable and tormentingly long. Despite this, as the cab slows in front of your building, you feel hesitant to exit. Levi all but dashes from his side, shoving a fistful of cash at the driver. Gulping nervously, you find the courage to join Levi in his departure. Taking long strides towards the lobby doors, your body begins to shake. Anxiously, you pause, drawing on pure adrenaline to guide you next.

“Hey,” You call out weakly, wrapping your arms around yourself. “Can we talk?”

Levi stops, fist wrapped around the metal handle of the door. “About what?”

“You’re acting off. What happened at Hange’s?”

He doesn’t turn to face you. “Nothing happened.”

“Levi,” You implore. “Don’t be like that. Talk to me.”

“If you want someone to talk to, there’s a card in your pocket with a phone number on it. Try calling it.”

And there it is, the crushing realization that you were right all along. He thinks you to be unfaithful, flighty, drawn to anyone who bestows even a fragment of their attention.

“Levi, I love you,” Your resolve breaks, a shattering crackle to your words. “I am not interested in Erwin. I was shutting him down when you walked over. Both times.”

“Didn’t look like it,” Levi sounds so dejected, so defeated.

“Why are you being so–”

“So what?” He flies, hurtling towards you so swiftly it throws you from the moment. “Jealous? Insecure?”

“Yes!” You shout. “I thought we were past misunderstanding each other! You should know I would never flirt with anyone other than you!”

“Do I?” His tone shifts to that of ugly condescension, bruising both your ego and your perception. “Do I really? You were practically drooling over him, talking about art. I saw it all over your face. You like him!”

“Be so fucking serious!” You’re nearing hysteria. “I hardly know the guy!”

“Like it matters. Erwin always gets what Erwin wants.”

“What the fuck are you even talking about, Levi?”

“C'est de la foutaise!” He throws his hands in the air.

(This is bullshit!)

“Can you just please just speak to me?” You plead. “This is insane.”

“I can never just be happy!” Levi’s eyes line with the hint of tears. “I can never keep anyone that I love! You are so perfect, so unabashedly you, and I am so fucking undeserving of that.”

“That is not true.”

“Mais ne voyez-vous pas? It is, mon précieux. These past few months have been perfect, far too perfect. Look at me, chérie, really fucking look at me,” He gestures wildly. “I have nothing. I have nothing to offer. I am not some art collector sitting on a fortune, ready to spend it on whoever catches my eye. I manage a fucking bar barely making ends meet, I own nothing of value. I can’t even look you in the eyes and ask you for commitment. I don’t know how to.”

(Can’t you see? – my precious – darling.)

“Why would I care about that?” You step closer, a small breath away from his face. “Levi, I don’t care! I’m not exactly in a great financial place either! I never was!”

“But you are so – alive,” Levi pauses, gazing so deeply into your eyes. “You are so brave, the bravest person I have ever known. You feel everything. You are so full of talent and adventure and lust for life. Until you, I had no passion for anything. Not even photography. I feel like I’m an echo chamber of everything that you are.”

“Stop diminishing yourself!”

“I’m so fucking scared,” He says your name, a broken call. “I am so scared that you are going to see right through me someday. You are going to see everything that I am not. I have lost so much, and I refuse to watch you walk away.”

“Where is this coming from?” You ask exasperatedly.

The reality of this situation dawns on you. Levi is having a panic attack. The swirling of his pupils, the accelerated intake of his breathing.

“I’m sorry,” He heaves. “I tried so hard to be good enough for you, but I can’t. I don’t know how to hold on to the people I love.”

“Levi,” Your tone softens as you begin to understand. Your palms reach for his face, flushed and blotchy, caressing him gently, “I love you, and you are more than enough for me. I am not leaving you, not now or ever.”

“You’ll have all of me,” He says. “Every rotten part of me. And then you’ll move on to your next grand adventure once you get bored of me.”

“Hey,” You coo, heart wrenching. “That isn’t going to happen. Look at me. Levi, breathe, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

Tears threaten to fall from his lashes, “Everything that I have ever let go of has claw marks on it.”

“I never took you as a poet.”

“Only if the situation calls for it.”

A weary smile breaks through your worried lips. “Is this really about me talking to Erwin?”

“No,” Levi admits, slowly regaining a sense of calm. “Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.”

“I didn’t know,” Your thumbs work in circles on the edges of his jaw. “I’m sorry.”

“I should have told you.”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t matter. I’m here now, I’m listening.”

He nods reluctantly, peering at you with such intensity it makes your brain rattle. “She died when I was young. Cancer. My uncle – Kenny – took guardianship over me after my mom passed. Threw me out at seventeen. Ever since, I haven’t had anyone stable in my life. Hange is the closest one to ever resemble some kind of security, but I take care of them and the bar. It isn’t the same, they rely on me most of the time.”

“I’m sorry,” You offer weakly. “I can’t even imagine the loss you’ve been through.”

“I don’t like the pity,” Levi shies away for a brief pause, embarrassed and disparaged. “I don’t even like thinking about it. It feels weak.”

“It isn’t, though,” You say. “Levi, you have been the only person taking care of yourself. If anything, you should be angry.”

“I am,” He cuts. “Because I alone have the control over who hurts me now, who can leave. And you—“

“Left something before,” You finish for him, a finality to your tone that surprises even you.

His face scrunches, as if hearing the words brings some kind of painful conclusion to his venting. “I don’t want to make you feel ashamed, but it’s what I worry about.”

“I don’t want to leave you though,” You insist. “You make me so happy Levi. Happier than I have ever felt before. I ran away from home because I was drowning. You have gifted me so much.”

“That’s not fair,” He hisses. “To you or to me. I can’t be responsible for your happiness, I can hardly manage my own. Clearly.”

“We are human,” You firmly state. “We both have our shit to deal with, to heal from. But I want to figure it out with you. I don’t want to run, I have no reason to. For the first time, I want to build a life, something permanent. I want that with you.

“I am so far from perfect,” You laugh without humor. “But I stopped being afraid when I started falling in love with you. I want to feel everything. I want to experience everything, the good and the bad. Levi, you have left an immeasurable impact on me. I have grown so much. I have changed.”

“You don’t need me for any of that,” Levi frowns. “You would still be doing all of that if you hadn’t met me.”

“But it’s because of you I spent the time looking inwards, to face all the bullshit I ran from. You make me a better person, just being in my life.”

He searches for something in your face, maybe a hint of doubt. “How are you so – sure?”

“I’m not. Not even in the slightest. I have no idea what the future holds, or who I will be tomorrow, next year, or in five. But,” Tears burn behind your irises. “I know I want you there.”

He takes a deep, stabilizing breath, “More than anything, I’m terrified to ever let you go.”

“Then don’t.”

“You make it all sound so simple,” Levi chuckles bitterly. “This is all so much easier when you’re the focus.”

“Hey, I can handle a few tears,” You repeat the words he’d murmured to you previously. He smiles begrudgingly as you continue, “Come on, let’s go inside. I’ll make you a cup of tea, and we’ll keep talking okay?”

Swiping the back of his hand along his eyes, Levi nods. He shakes his arms, ridding himself of the emotional weight of his vulnerability and fears. Loosened now, you reach for his hand, holding his palm securely. You stare at one another, so raw and earnest.

You cannot deny the irony of it all. Levi, who has lost everyone. Withered and battered from abandonment and rejection, so adamantly convinced that somewhere within his being there lurks something so deeply flawed and unlovable. You, who has run away from everything you have ever known. Motivated by the belief that the only way to survive is to leave the damage and destruction behind.

Faces flash in your mind’s eye. Your mother, who changed so dramatically for the worst over the course of your life that you hold only a handful of fondness for. Armin, who gave you the gifts of kindness and empathy. Without him, you do not believe you would find any sort of profoundness in your previous actions. Eren, who bestowed you with passion and regret, but also forced the hand of forgiveness of self. What tidal waves of feeling would you experience without his influence? Would they mimic shallow pools?

Mikasa, the deepest and grandest friendship you have ever felt. You would have never dared to look at your own reflection, reflected on your decisions, dreamed of a future, without her.

You are a collection of all the people that you have ever loved. The weight of the absence is palpable, but they are never truly gone from you. Through you, they still breathe the same air that you inhale now.

In some capacity, running away from home was a mistake. Maybe you could have faced your fears, conquered the hardships lingering in these connections that haunt you, made a life for yourself despite the insufferable circumstances. Perhaps you would’ve met Levi along the way.

The universe has a funny way of ensuring you learn your lessons as viscerally as possible.

The likelihood of meeting Levi, knowing him in this intimate way, would have been slim. You connect with him in this reality in a very specific way. The bolter and the abandoned. Assuming you stayed, you most likely would have healed in a very different form.

You think of resentment. The stifling cage of conformity. The lack of control over your life.

It doesn’t matter, you conclude. Exhuming the past is exhaustive and only leaves you hollowed with the lack of closure. It holds substance only as long as you allow it to.

You are no longer that person. Levi will understand this too.

You will spend every devoted second ensuring that Levi knows exactly how beloved he is. Not only is it what he deserves, it’s what you deserve.

Hurt people hurt people. You remember thinking of this phrase months prior, but with fierce determination, you intend to break that cursed cycle.

Hurt people heal. Hurt people love. Hurt people are changed.

The one who stayed and the chosen. You think that description fits better.

Levi clings to your side as you embark the ascension to your apartments. The silence is strikingly more comfortable than the one shared in the ride home. Reassuring touches usher forth from your fingertips, communicating what words do not. On your floor, Levi tugs you gently towards his dwelling.

Once inside, you make yourself comfortable on his couch. Locking the door behind him and traversing beyond the threshold, he joins you. Placing his body close to yours, he maneuvers your legs to dangle over his lap. You smile fondly at the gesture, tracing patterns with your thumb on the ball of his shoulder.

“I’m sorry for how I yelled at you,” He starts, all traces of panic and insecurity vanishing from his expression. “My mom’s death anniversary isn’t an excuse for how I acted.”

“No, but it explains why you were feeling the way you were,” You reply. “Why seeing Erwin talking to me made you upset. I’m sorry that I would ever make you think I would ever entertain him.”

“It’s less you and more me,” He says. “I haven’t asked you to be exclusive with me. If you were interested in him, I couldn’t bring myself to be angry. It ultimately would’ve been my fault.”

“We aren’t teenagers, you know,” You joke lightly. “We can be exclusive without proclamation.”

He laughs, deep and graveled, “You’re right. But still.”

“What’s the deal with him anyways?”

“I just don’t like the guy. Never have, probably never will. Erwin is a stuck up rich boy.”

You shake your head, smiling, “Not my type, just so you know.”

“Mister big blue eyes and charming smile?” Levi arches a brow. “Yeah, right. I don’t believe that, but I’ll let that go for the sake of not rehashing my insecure breakdown.”

“Levi,” You say intently. “I don’t care about Erwin. I don’t care what he has to offer. I only want you.”

He gazes at you with such profound vulnerability as he says, “Do you promise?”

You nod, “I’ll spend every day proving that to you in whatever way I can. I love you, you idiot.”

Levi bites his lip, casting his focus to the floor. “I love you too.”

“So, we can start with this,” You reach for his hand, lacing your fingers through his. “Would you like to be exclusive?”

“I would like that very much.”

“I would too.”

“I am truly sorry,” He says. “For acting that way tonight. I should’ve just talked to you.”

“We’re talking now,” You respond. “I’m here to listen.”

Levi takes a deep breath and dives into a valiant display of vulnerability. Clutching tightly to your hand, he recounts his childhood. How loving and wondrous his mother was, how he never really had a father figure in his life. How hard it was when she passed, how guilty he felt for being so young and useless. How his uncle neglected him, left him to fend for himself. How photography made the world a bit better.

He met Hange in his early twenties, becoming fast friends. He felt responsibility for the brunette, following them throughout their adult lives. He still feels responsibility. He has never been able to shake this feeling that everyone depends on him to have his shit together. Levi struggles with close connections because of this.

Levi speaks and vents until he is practically asleep. Still, he reflects, he talks. It is open, raw, and honest.

You listen to every word without interruption. Even when you leave the comfortability of the couch and travel to Levi’s bedroom, he continues to explain why he is the way he is. He has never known peace. He pretends he is confident, that he has his shit together. In truth, he doesn’t.

Laying side by side, you caress his cheek as his muttering loses any trace of resentment. He speaks earnestly, “I don’t want to end up alone.”

“I’m here now, Levi,” You say softly. “You’re not alone.”

“Good,” He smiles, eyelids drooping. “Neither are you.”

You reach for him, tugging his body to the heat of yours. Embracing him fully, you cart your fingers through his raven locks. You place a kiss on his forehead, making whispered promises of devotion.

You have both been through so much. You are deserving of love, of each other. With a fierce sense of understanding and commitment, you swear to uphold this way of thinking throughout the duration of your relationship.

Which, you hope lasts forever.

-

Waking with Levi tucked securely to your chest, the sun a vivid fixture in the fragmented rays extending beyond the curtains, you lay with half lidded eyes recounting the night and its confessions. Remembering your poisoned thoughts, you allow them to mull over in your mind’s eye. How wrong they feel now, thinking that you were undeserving of love. It speaks against all that you have learned and blossomed into. For months now, you have fought with every ounce of mental strength to become a better version of yourself. You feel disappointed in yourself. How could you ever regress back to those weaponized, loathing ways of being?

Levi, who still sleeps soundly, became victim to his own demons. Your heart aches for him, for all the loss and devastation that has plagued his life. You hope you can provide stability for him. You’ll do everything within your power to ensure that.

A gentle knock at his front door stirs the ravenette. You blink wearily, mildly disappointed you could not continue your mental musings. Introspection is a vital tool for you these days to process your life.

“Expecting someone?” You ask, voice still poignant with sleep.

Levi groans, rubbing a palm over his face, “Not until later.”

“Who is it?” You watch as he forces himself up, throwing his comforter to the side. He throws on a sweater, big and comfortable.

“Just my cousin,” He says. “She’s visiting for a bit, but I didn’t think that she would get in this early.”

“Cousin?” You smile, excitement budding your chest. “You didn’t think you had any other family, from what we talked about.”

“She lives in the States,” Levi explains, continuing to dress himself. “Graduated college recently. You’ll probably like her.”

Without further conversation, he exits the room hastily to not leave the family member waiting. You cannot contain the happiness that floods your veins. You have met all of Levi’s friends, have made them your own as well, and now – an opportunity to prove a permanent fixture in his life presents itself.

Meeting family. It’s a big deal.

You hear the murmuring of voices echo throughout Levi’s apartment as you rush to dress yourself. Glancing in a mirror hanging on the wall of the bedroom, you rake your fingers through your hair to tame the bumps acquired overnight. Deeming yourself presentable enough, you take a deep breath.

Taking calculated steps, you mentally prepare for introductions. You hope you’re likable. You hope you like her, this cousin. Already the two of you share so much in common, coming from another part of the world. You wonder if she’ll share any resemblance to Levi – the dark raven hair, the sparkling eyes.

You see Levi first as you enter the living room. He turns his head, a warm smile lighting up his features.

He calls out your name, “This is my girlfriend. This is my cousin–”

“Hi!” You interrupt, mimicking Levi’s bright grin. “It’s so nice to meet you–”

Levi steps to the side, allowing a clear view of his family member.

Your heart sinks to the floor.

Mikasa stands in the threshold. A timid smile on her face descends into an open mouth gape. Shock paints both your expressions.

She says your name hesitantly. The world falls down around you.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

YOU HAVE STOLEN MY HEART!