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billy / 30💀 / london

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

I'm a loser

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No motivation

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I need self belief, confidence and encouragement in my life at the moment. Not self hate ineptitude insufficiency and eroded confidence

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Yeah actually I just realised no DJ could ever clash me in their wildest dreams. Anyone who thinks they can try me I'd just draw for this and done off the whole dance 😂 end of story for real for real 🔫 nobody can't draw for nothing to follow this 😮‍💨 just knowing I can drop this any time gasses me beyond belief. If I ever get on a set with slickman or killa p it's over

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

Stop The War

SO STOP THE WAR

OH GOD MAN

WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?

STOP THE WAR DRACONIAN MAN

WONT YOU COME AND IVERSTAND

STOP THE WAR

WHAT YOU FIGHTING FOR?

OH PURE WAR AND ANGER

FRUSTRATION EVERY DAY

ALONG I WAY

ALL YOUR FIGHTING IS FOR MINERAL AND OIL

CANT TAKE THE SPOIL

I & I NEED TO FREE UP THE LAND

CAUSE ITS THE HAILE MAN'S

AND WE DONT WANT NO DAMNED GENOCIDE

INNA FI WE AREA

ALL WE NEED

IS LOVE AND DEVOTION

- Ras Tuffy Irie, 2026

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

My SD card from my important holiday with the loml got corrupted. Drs are refusing to prescribe me ADHD medication even though ive been diagnosed twice now and if you spoke to me for 2 seconds youd see I clearly need it. The radio show I did with this young kid who spins vinyl got corrupted. Loml is talking about leaving me because I can't get a job.

I'm not good at anything profitable or respectable. I'm incompatible with this world it's better for me to have not existed then to have disappointed and potentially upset and disappoint people. I've wasted people's time. I'm literally just a waste of people's time.

On top of that I'm a fucking weirdo and a loser and I hate myself as well

Why am I here, what am I good for ? I can't stand being autistic I'm fucking sick of how it makes everythiing

I've been back in London for one day and everything is too much already

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Stupid hate myself autistic stupid weirdo freak

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06/07/26 :)

You lot are getting this first. Tape pack style lo-fi recording of my roots reggae live session with huge vocalists from the Brixton area.

I realise I can't post the link here. DM me for the link to listen 😭. If you know my artist name search it on mixcloud!!!!

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

I think I might be really happy and proud of myself with my radio show today with the Rastafarian elders. There was something really special about it. Like it was due to happen from when I was a kid. My record collection and experience and life was culminating towards it. Not just today but today feels like part of it. My child self is really happy about it. I think it's really cool and good and right. Even though I messed up the interview BIG time 🤦‍♂️ and was nervous and all of this stuff I'm really happy with the majority of how it went.

I wish I was more confident on the mic but I'm having a hard time the past few days especially and now I'm trying to enjoy the feeling but I'm also like battling that feeling with feeling helpless and useless. I don't know how to feel I feel like it's a tug of war and im being pulled apart. I'm unable to call angel because she has to go to bed and my dad is awake and he's staying up to watch the football (this is going to be the first time anyone in the world has rooted for Belgium to win the football) ((bc they're against the USA)) but because of that everything is fucked I dont have the space or the privacy to call her and reassure her even though nothing I say matters or has any effect and I don't know what to say everything I say makes it worse and I feel like I'm just rubbish as a person and incapable of not pissing off / irritating / frustrating / annoying / upsetting her 😪

I'm proud of the fact I managed to do the radio show without crying or completely fucking up, even though I did make one big mistake and I was awkward and shit in the talking phase At least I feel like I've done something I can be a little bit proud of myself for.

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I'm so fucked up it's 4:30am I have a radio show tomorrow I've been trying to plan for like over a year with multiple special guests / musicians big huge reggae artist it's finally come together and now I literally don't want to do it because I hate myself I have -1000 confidence bc I massively hurt the person I love most ajd now all I can hear in my head is thick autistic brain snd all these yhings aboutmyself so many words in my head and negative thoughts and I literally feel angry violent and I just hate that im potentially fucjking it up for myself I need to sleep snd donitni can't cancel now

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

3X Krazy - Keep It On The Real [1997]

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52nd Street - Tell Me (How It Feels) [1985]

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I'm not even a good dj

I'm not a good musician

I'm not a good partner

I'm not good at anything

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I'm extremely depressed , I haven't made music in a long time. I have the first session of autism group therapy tomorrow and I don't know how to stop myself from saying that my life has gotten worse since I found out I'm autistic and I actually hate that I am autistic and I just chain smoke copious amounts of weed every day for years to deal with the fact that I am constantly uncomfortable I hate myself and I've destroyed and ruined the most important things and relationships in my life. I am a waste and a negative impact on everyone and everything around me. I'm genuinely a complete burden to know and I wish I could go back in time and delete myself from existing. I'm not being dramatic. I literally feel this way and my whole life is just tragic I'm just a loser there's no point even trying to lie to me and convince me that I'm not. I am irreparable and incompatible with humanity because I'm a freak and pathetic. Useless forever. Disappointing forever. Forever fumbling dropping and destroying things I love. I feel incredibly angry at myself for causing the amount of pain and damage I have.

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

I think cdj djs are literally roleplaying or larping (is that the current phrase) as djs. It's like fantasy football. They can get ANY song they want in the world FOR FREE. AND it's impossible to fuck up or make mistakes there's literally a quantize function built into the cdjs, the waveforms are visible, you can literally see when there's a drop or a break coming. There's absolutely no risk or difficulty or skill ceiling involved and it is Not Stimulating Enough for me personally I might as well be playing tracks off Spotify tbh.

DJing vinyl is like playing a videogame that you love and you've put bare work into you've collected all your special inventory and you've grown connected to it all you know it like the back of your hand. You have a lot to be proud of you feel good about your progress and skills and inventory but at the same time there's so much more to learn and find and improve.

On the other hand Cdjs is like when you've put the cheat code in to unlock everything and be invincible and that's cool but you've lost everything because now the fun's gone

[s0u7hl0nd0npr355]

I'm this close