Sad Metal Is Sad

Sharing photos of metal bands looking sad for no useful reason at all

[sadmetalbands]

SUOTANA are sad because what if fish DO have feelings?

All they wanted to do was to experience that magical moment of inspiration when, just for a fleeting, sublime instant, you capture lightning in a bottle.

Instead, they caught lightning in this pond.

Those poor, poor koi.

[sadmetalbands]

HATE are sad because good intentions will only get you so far.

Living off the land sounds wonderful. Bucolic, pastoral even. But it's so much harder than you expect.

Nothing is growing, not a single sprout or bud has dared to break the surface of the soil. What kind of soil is this anyway? Peat? Peat-free? What's the PH rating? How do you even tell?

Subsistence farming looks increasingly like a Sisyphusian nightmare, all effort, no reward. Screw it. Let's get pizza. Maybe that can put the spring back in everyone's step since spring has singularly failed to deliver a bountiful harvest. You can shove the simple life where the sun doesn't shine. Which is precisely here on this field.

Sad metal is sad.

[sadmetalbands]

INSOMNIUM are sad because there are, in the words of Jimmy Cliff, many rivers to cross.

Life is a journey, not a destination but sometimes you'll come to an impasse. And that's when you discover just what you're made of.

Verily, this is a moment of import to rival Caesar crossing the Rubicon. To turn back and admit defeat in the face of adversity, or to dig deep within, to mine heretofore untapped reserves of courage and fortitude?

Unfortunately, nobody wants to spend the day with wet feet.

'Look behind you?' What is this, a pantomime? Not falling for that, my friend. Home it is then. There's always tomorrow.

[sadmetalbands]

P.O.D. are fine, thank you very much. Really, it's good exercise walking around every parking lot at the airport because no one wrote down where they left the car.

They had a mnemonic picked out and everything, but what was it? Car Park C for Charlie, like Charlie Sheen in Two And A Half Men, row A for Sheen's underrated sci-fi film The Arrival, space 97 because the Declaration of Independence in 1797, which was not signed by Charlie Sheen.

Hang on, the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776. And was it row T for the 'The' part of The Arrival? How many times can you use 'the' in a sentence before it loses all meaning? Damn, it's hot out here.

They abandoned their bags hours ago. No point dragging those around. Not to worry, they know where they are. It was Car Park D for Diehard With A Vengeance, row G for Godzilla...or was it K for Kong? And number.... number...

Ah nuts!!!

[sadmetalbands]

GOD COMPLEX are sad and frankly a little embarrassed.

Cannot believe you've put them in a time-out on the stairs.

Okay, so the basement is a mess, the sink is crammed with dirty dishes, and someone spilled their energy drink all over the rug. But a time out? For grown-ass men?

Fine. Not even going to look at you for the rest of the day.

No, YOU'RE sulking. This is a silent, sit-down protest that just happens to be on the stairs.

See how you like them apples.

[sadmetalbands]

DARK FORTRESS are sad. Not to mention tired, kind of irritable, a little anxious. And that broken fingernail from the gig last weekend is taking forever to heal. Something's up.

Could be a Wiccan curse maybe, perhaps even forces from beyond the veil of shadows. Cool.

What's that? Vitamin D deficiency?

Farts. Well, to quote Kate Moss, nothing tans as good as pale feels. Still not going out in the sunshine. Makes the eyeliner run like a greased pig. No thank you, sir.

[sadmetalbands]

PALEFACE SWISS are sad because they're starting to suspect they paid too much for that mail order interior design course.

Is there a theme here? Flowers for life and spring, and the noose for death. Sure, that's cool. Not sure it matches the wallpaper.

And a bed and a writing desk, but no bedside table? The carpet says warm and cozy, but the lack of storage suggests bare minimalism and it's hard to reconcile those competing aesthetics.

So, it's back to the drawing board. Time to send away for that Introduction To Feng Shui course. Flow, that's what this room needs now. Flow.

[sadmetalbands]

ORANSSI PAZUZU aren't sad, but they might be tripping their heads off.

Have you ever just stopped and looked at water? Like really looked at it? It's like whoa, what even is it?

What was it Bruce Lee said? Be water, my dude. You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a teapot, it becomes the tea. Put water into a wine bottle, it becomes the wine. Or was that Jesus?

Pretty sure Bruce Lee would win a fight against Jesus. That dude could flow. Who wants to go watch the shower running for an hour until this wears off?

[sadmetalbands]

JAG PANZER are sad because it's just impossible to make heavy metal music that's as unapologetically brutal as this architecture.

These straight lines, so unforgiving, implacable, unyielding.

The exposed concrete is giving tough and unbreakable.

The whole effect is simply fearless. It's just too heavy. There's got to be a way to channel that sense of savage utilitarianism into a riff. Can't let a building be more crushing than music, dammit.

Anyway, it's awfully high up here. Can we come down now?

[sadmetalbands]

UTFLOD are sad because this team building exercise is a bust.

They were promised a fun day out at the lake, toasted marshmallows, and the chance to see a bear or a moose. You know, one of the cool, big, dangerous animals. Megafauna. Megafauna is a very metal word.

Yet the sun has barely scraped itself over the horizon, everyone is suffering from Kokekaffe withdrawal, their shelter of branches won't stand up, and the only wildlife in evidence are the bastard mosquitos.

If there isn't a pub within walking distance, it's kicking off. They might be tired and undercaffeinated, but they're surely cranky enough to open up a pit on your ass.

[sadmetalbands]

TO THE GRAVE are sad because it's so easy for the message to be lost in transmission.

This is a band with something to say, dammit. It's time for a wake-up alarm, a call to arms, a rallying cry. The world is burning, we're consuming ourselves into oblivion, and trashing the environment.

But it doesn't seem to matter how loud they scream and rage against the dying of the light. Come what may, end of every show, some wiseacre will shout out, 'That'll do, pig. That'll do.'

Why is it so hard to be taken seriously?

That movie was awesome though. Baa-ram-ewe. Baa-ram-ewe. To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true. Sheep be true. Baa-ram-ewe.

Love that little pig.

[sadmetalbands]

200 STAB WOUNDS are sad because are you even trying to get yourself up off the floor?

Was it not the great Nineteenth Century thinker Samuel Smiles who said, 'The battle of life is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honour'?

We're all sorry that somebody fell on you in the pit and snapped your cruciate ligament, but no, we're not calling 911. Have you any idea how much they charge for an ambulance nowadays? It's like over two grand. That'll wipe out the merch takings from the whole tour at a stroke.

So instead of lying there, why not embrace this experience this as a character building moment? 'If there were no difficulties, there would be no success.' Honestly, Samuel Smiles has a quote for every occasion. Inspirational, that's what he is. You, not so much.

[sadmetalbands]

HELLBUTCHER is sad because it's starting to feel like the baristas are mocking him.

Mel Crutcher.

Hail Butler.

Swell Dutcher.

Pat Butcher.

That one always happens in England and they all laugh. Who the hell is Pat Butcher and what's an Albert Square?

Anyway, one Americano to go please. Make it black. Like the metal. The name? Oh, what's the point of even trying!

[sadmetalbands]

MÉLANCOLIA are sad because you make that extra effort to look nice and no one notices.

It can make a person question the whole purpose of spending money at the nail salon.

Admittedly, it's always a great place to catch up on the latest gossip and to hear what the salon girls have been up to. Some of them are absolute wildcats outside of business hours.

Not like those prudes at the hair salon. Butter wouldn't melt, apparently.

Anyone, just going to keep flashing these shellacs until someone notices. And if no one pays attention, well, sometimes it's nice to pamper yourself. Got a spa day booked next week. Something to look forward to.

[sadmetalbands]

ATHENAR from MIDNIGHT was sad because he's still not allowed to have an actual guitar. Not after the neighbours called the cops that one time.

But now things are looking up. He found this pretty sweet post that was just stuck in the ground and with a little tugging and pulling, it popped right out.

Now he can pretend it's like a giant guitar or even a schlong. So it's cool and hilarious. No one's ever done this before. Rock and roll.

Heh heh. Schlong.

[sadmetalbands]

DEVIL MASTER are sad because everyone wants them to go home and change. Absolutely not. They're outside during daylight hours, isn't that enough?

It’s true that family get-togethers are becoming increasingly tense for everyone involved, but capes should absolutely be considered formal wear. If a velvet cape doesn’t count as making an effort when going out for a meal, then frankly the world doesn’t make sense anymore.

Dracula was royalty, for gracious’ sake. He wouldn’t be caught out at a dinner party without a cape, would he? So if everyone could just chillax and stop staring and/or snickering, we can go back inside the restaurant and all this unpleasantness can be forgotten.

And for the last time, no, it’s not a phase. It’s a lifestyle.

[sadmetalbands]

NECROPHOBIC are sad because they're always late for everything. Birthday parties, dentist appointments, even their own soundchecks.

Turns out that an hourglass is noticeably less useful than a wristwatch. Obviously, it looks way more metal but there's really no accurate way to distinguish quarter past two from, well, any other time at all.

Promoters take a dim view of bands that rock up to the venue five minutes before you're supposed to be onstage. You can blame it on the hourglass but it always falls on deaf ears.

Alas, there's just no room for a wristwatch with all these awesome spiked armbands. And don't even ask about what happened when they tried using that sundial. Clouds. Absolute menace.