yvan

all the clouds in me are raining — r.h. sin

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[sadnessindecember]

august's threads

i remembered august was one of the nicest ones. it wasn't until last year when I had my heart broken at the end of july, now august is becoming a december.

i wondered why it was just difficult to get through this month. problem after problem, despite the good i received, it never seemed enough. then, i realised that maybe it was my body's way of processing ptsd from the year before.

the anxieties, the silent breakdowns, the crying in the cubicle — all because that was the only place i was ever truly alone.

i am loved, i am useful, i am appreciated. i know this and i should believe it. i am doing better, slowly getting back up my feet. my life, although the process is slow, it's steering back to where it should be.

but now, i'm just hanging by a thread.

[sadnessindecember]

what causes the heart to feel sorrow?

why does sadness overwhelm me even when i am amidst laughter?

[sadnessindecember]

[sadnessindecember]

memories do haunt

in this specific post today, i’m going to talk about my early childhood. it might be a long post, might be short. 

to start things off, i will admit that i’ve never been the kid who is able to socialize well with kids my age. i usually converse well with kids either younger or older. i’ve always been the kid who wants to know things first and i was an outcast because i usually couldn’t fight for myself. 

i think it all started when i was in second grade. i’ve told this story more than a couple of times, but i still feel like telling this story to more people. part of me tels me that i was a clueless kid, but the other part of me blames the teachers for not trusting me enough. a presentation that went wrong, is what i’d like to think. and ever since that presentation, people started teasing me about it. saying what bullshitery i was spitting-- to the point that even the teachers told the other kids to not trust me. this was when i started to try harder, trying to fit in even more. 

i remember clearly of the times when i was a bit too good in my work, the teachers would blame me for letting either my parents or my helpers for doing my work. i remember exactly when i started to give up, studying less and not caring because the teachers wanted certain kind of kids to be the smartest and whatnot. i remember being so dumb i couldn’t get any knowledge in, that i was always placed to sit beside the smarter kids. 

i would be lying if i said i’m not holding any grudges with my former classmates, i do honestly. but damage has been done. it wasn’t like i could turn back time to change everything and proved the teachers and the students wrong. 

bullying was what i feel like i experienced but talk so little about. sitting beside the smarter kids, they’d tend to dig any bullshit things i talk about and report it back to the teacher. they’d also make me massage them, and there was even a day i came back home with nail marks all over my arm because the smarter kid pinched me with her nails to the point it tore a layer of my skin. me, trying to gain their trust, i kept a smile and said it didn’t hurt. i wanted to impress. and i did almost everything. 

by 13, i was slowly bonding in with my classmates. although they still hated me i feel, they were slowly understanding me and the pain i go through daily with my problematic body. i was beginning to forgive everyone. that year, a huge change happened and continued till i was 16. but i shall not go too far yet. because on confession day (we decided to stand in front of everyone and speak about anything and everything), i decided to tell them that i was stuck with a guy. he seemed nice initially. i didn’t go to much details, but i did told them, if they were more understanding and kinder, i feel like all of these wouldn’t have happened. in their head, it was me doing things. but in my head, i wanted them to find out as quick as possible and get me out of this mess.

[sadnessindecember]

sad not rad

it’s a little bit too late for me to keep an annual diary when it’s already november. but i’ve noticed this sadness i’ve been feeling since late september. in this post, i wanted to talk to the two boys i met, online, that i loved so much. at times, i’m not sure if all of these feelings could be used as past tense, but let’s keep things simple, for myself too. 

exactly a year ago, i met daniel. i first saw his face in an app called rabb.it where you can watch movies together. daniel... was my secret. till this day, no one really knows what really went down between the two of us. but what wasn’t there, i can confirm, was trust. daniel and i knew we liked each other after a couple of hours just talking. and those butterflies i felt... were the same butterflies i felt for tony. 

in a way, tony and daniel were very similar. they were very cheeky. clingy. hot tempered but are really soft when it comes to me. and both... were so close to me. both were supposed to be here for me, as they promised. and both, were never official. 

daniel is the type of person to not believe in anniversaries and dates. he counts the length of relationship by seasons. and because of that, i had to decide on my own anniversary with him. i chose the day we first said that we loved each other. 

daniel was the only boy i boast about to my mom. my mother had mentioned, she’d see me crying at least once a week because of arguments we had. my mom was the only person who was there for me. she was the one to knock the door, 3am in the morning just to hand me the box of tissue and say, “make sure you don’t snots all over my dress.” by the third month, she saw less of the tears and at the end of the third month, she never heard about him from my mouth. 

the journey with him... was like a train. so fast, so consistent. and the next stop was our good-bye. there were a lot of reason to our end. one, was that i was to friendly with a friend of his. two, he thought it was very rude of me to get involved with his family matter. three, he didn’t feel the same way, etc. but both of us knew, the real reason to this end was because i didn’t trust him enough. if i thought about how things could’ve ended up, i can never shake the thought that i was right to not trust him. to go missing without saying a word for more than a month, giving messages through applications he knew i would never be active in, being a mystery, i feel like it wasn’t my fault that i didn’t trust him. 

there were things that he has admitted. things that i knew would’ve killed me to know if i was still madly in love with him. there were things that he said, with intention to hurt me but i wonder... why can’t i hurt him back?

to this day, i can’t help but feel like if i had been slightly softer and listened to his excuses, i would’ve still have him. 

about a couple of months later, a close friend of mine of 16 months had confessed his interest in me. i knew that i wasn’t ready and i knew that i didn’t want to destroy what we had. our friendship is similar to a spouse and i loved that about him. of course, after a few weeks, i took the fall and took the risk of losing everything we had. 

dean* was close to perfection. the whole relationship with him was almost flawless. i could still count the number of fights we had with one hand and those fights, were my insecurities. despite the huge time difference, he managed to tell me how beautiful i was in the morning and to have a good day and said i’ve worked hard and i deserved the rest that i need including his pampers and his compliments. 

dean... was the one but i didn’t feel it. 

i loved him and i loved his company. everything else was similar except the fact that we were a couple. i knew better than to hurt a person for no reason so i tried. i tried to keep the conversation going and i tried show him love like he did to me. i tried... to love and i did. we had almost hit our third month when i realised that... it was only me who was trying. 

it was my birthday. although it was me that questioned him, to stay or to leave, in good terms, he left. i cried. and i didn’t know why. 

it’s pretty obvious if you’d ask me, which did i love most? it’d had to be daniel. although the journey with dean had been nothing but pure bliss and love, it felt like i lost a friend more than i lost a lover. 

*dean was not his real name. 

[sadnessindecember]

realising.

in the year 2018, i turned 19. also, in this year, i’ve lost two boys that i’ve loved with the fullest. in this same year, i’ve seen joy and happiness from my closest friends and i’ve seen their mud. but in this blog, i’ve separated, my deepest, darkest thoughts - be it good or bad. 

every month, something new happens. and every week, i ran away from things. every day, i laughed it all away. but i’m not sure if i can handle another hour, another minute, or even another second to hide all of these untold feelings that i’ve kept. 

i want a voice, too.