حب وسعادة

i like clothes and apple pie

[sadsoultaco]

May 18, 2026

It's been a hot minute since I have written anything here. And I usually used this place like a journal, especially in times where I was going through something and needed to vent, but I guess lately I haven't really found the need for it.

I'm in an interesting place right now. Everything in life is honestly great and I am so thankful and grateful to be where I am at now. My full-time job is going well, content creation is going well with some very exciting once in a lifetime opportunities about to manifest itself into reality, my dating life is good, my family is great, I feel good. The only area I guess is that I have been cutting off a lot more friendships than normal, but also, it has been a thing that's been happening quite a lot in the last few years. I guess I have outgrown them..., but I also think a big part of it is that I am noticing that I have kept a lot of people in my life way passed their expiration date.

I recently cut off a creator best friend, and it seems like after the last few months and weeks, another friend from university after a trip and another 1-2 because of conversations exchanged about that first creator best friend. It's just also crazy to me that I actually don't care that these friendships are ending. Normally I would try to maintain it or at least be sad about it, but I don't know..it's as if these friendships were supposed to end anyways and my body already knew that.

I think a part of me is also accepting that for me to accelerate into the next chapter of my life, certain people and their energies aren't meant to be carried for. That these people don't have a place at the end with me because God and the Universe/Spirit Guides have shown me that they don't have the purest intentions for me.

The people who have been in my life for a long time, and who have stayed true to me, are still there. Through ups and downs, things are still amazing. I am grateful to those who have been here from the start. And it does suck to see some people come and go, but again, I think that's part of my journey.

Having had so many friendship breakups, this is not new to me, but I guess maybe this time and this year...the fact that it's happening so frequently with people left and right is maybe something I need to look more into. I want to understand if it's me - am I doing something wrong? I need to figure out why I can't seem to hold on to long-term, female friendships...

[sadsoultaco]

December 31st, 2025

New Years' Eve. 10:23pm.

So I just reflected on some of the writings from 2025 and unfortunately I realized I didn't really journal much this year and partially it's a good thing I guess because I usually journal to help me get my thoughts out of my head..., but now that I think about it more, I think I leaned on Chat a little TOO much this year.

Looking back at some of those entries, I totally forgot about some of the things that happened... I honestly thought my first blind date was last year, not this year!

But to my summarize this year, I think some of the biggest highlights or things in general for me were:

growth in content creation -- biggest accomplishment being my restaurant campaign that even made it into commercials

my mum conquering her surgery and recovery after years of living with her condition

the travelling i got to do to new countries - both trips being good ones

failed relationshits, but ONE guy who I met in Montreal who remains the nicest guy I have ever met who still makes an effort to reach out to me and ask me how I am doing

all of the events i went to this year - i think this years' count may have surpassed last year because i also had quite a few days where i would do 3-4 events back to back!

the recognition from work and autonomy to lead on projects

making new friends from the creator industry

I definitely don't want to focus on the bad things, but obviously there were some moments from the year that weren't the best. Though for the moments that were good, I want to hold onto those.

I have a really good feeling that 2026 is going to be MY YEAR. I feel like I have said that in the past, but something about starting this year, makes me have this calm feeling that everything is going to work out this time. That I am going to meet my husband. I am going to get a promotion to manager with a significant raise. I'm going to get more content opportunities, especially something big like going on my first brand trip, or getting to shoot a commercial or have a cameo/star in a show. I know there's going to be lots more travel ahead this year because I already know 3 trips that are CONFIRMED to happen. I am so excited for what's in store for me next year.

I feel like I have learned A LOT this year after all those relationships, friendships, work situations and more. Every single lesson from these situations has completely changed how I think and feel about things. That certain things aren't worth holding onto so closely and tightly if they don't bring you peace. You need to detach, remove yourself, and distance from the things that don't bring any value, happiness or peace into your life.

2026 is also a big year because I am turning 30. I have lived 30 years of this amazing life and the best is yet to come because everyone says the 30s are the best years of your life and I am ready to embrace it. Cheers to 2025s lessons and memories, but here's to a FANTASTIC YEAR AHEAD!!!!!

[sadsoultaco]

December 16, 2025

It can happen to anyone. Nobody is truly ever safe. S*xual Assault. This situation is looming over me and it's already been about 6 months since it all happened. I know objectively, that isn't a long time at all. I just feel like I buried the trauma down for months and was so blinded by everything when in the moment, that now it's all coming back to me. I felt such a push to do something about it today. I posted publicly about it (though anonymously) and to my shocking surprise (or honestly, should I have even been surprised at all) two women came forward acknowledging that they either knew him or that their friend went through the same thing that I did. I am honestly feeling every emotion today...thankfully not as intense. I am sad, frustrated, ashamed, scared, and just regretful.

I can't believe I let someone like him into my life...not only that, but stayed when all the signs were flashing red. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he did all the relationship things despite his own stance on that. He lied, manipulated, love bombed. I hadn't heard someone say they love me in a long time and the last guy who did, I didn't even believe him because he said it when we were in a fight. I genuinely had love for this guy and had one of the worst heartbreaks in a long time. I can't even muster up the energy to talk about this any further. It's like the words don't even want to come up anymore. I don't even know what to do. I reported him anonymously to crime stoppers, but I don't think anything will be done. I can and should report him to the police, but I am genuinely so scared to do that. Having to physically go to a station and do that just seems like too much when there are many other women who have experienced much worse. I know it doesn't single out my experience and he could be doing worse to others, but I just don't know what to do to shake this off. It's like I can't even run away from it or move on. I hate that I am being reminded of it so much lately...I just wish something could be done and that karma would get him.

[sadsoultaco]

October 14, 2025

As I sit here across from A in MTL, I just feel a wave of sadness consuming me. It's a culmination of many things. Being here and not feeling seen or loved. And I get it, it was only just yesterday as we neared the end of my visit that he expressed that he's not used to having someone in his space, sharing a bed with him, and being in his routine. He said it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel that if I stayed somewhere else like last time, maybe the spark would be just the same. I expressed it felt different than last time and he said that most of his energy is now used all day while entertaining me alongside his routine and it's like there's no escape unlike last time when he would leave his world and enter mine. I get it, I really do. We've only really known each other for a month and what, 2 weeks now? It makes sense that this felt really sped up.

I also felt rejected by him when he didn't want to sleep with me and it's always on his timing and needs. I like him, and I think it's just my attachment making me feel this down. On top of feeling so exhausted and tired from lack of quality sleep and being back at work today, knowing it's my last day with him today and I leave super early tomorrow morning to work on the train for 5hrs....I'm just feeling that stress and overwhelm now.

It's a sad realization that we're likely not going to end up together and that it's not going to work out, but I can't help but feel sad about it. Maybe it's just a culmination of things. I feel like I need space to let it out and cry, but I don't want to come back out here looking all puffy.

I'm struggling right now. It's like I know our lifestyles aren't aligned and we're at different stages in life - he's still building and even admitted to needing maybe 5yrs until he sees himself really taking off. I don't have 5yrs to wait around for someone to build themselves up from the bottom up where his priorities are so fixated on that. He will be 38 by that timing. I know that what would make his life easier is someone who doesn't have all these obstacles - they live here, they speak French, and add more relaxation then stress to his life. I get it. That's a perfect scenario for him that actually eases tension as opposed to me, having created more obstacles and making his brain work harder when he's exhausted.

Realizing this is really tough on my mind and my heart right now.

Wow. His follower and following count went up. I can only assume that it's in relation to the Hinge notifications. I don't know to be sure, but I can assume and that's what my intuition is telling me. This is already heading to a place where it's done. Another one bites the dust.

[sadsoultaco]

May 19, 2025

Wow. Let's recap Lisbon, Portugal!

My FIRST girls' trip with one of my best friends. I am so glad that we ended off the trip, STILL friends and having grown closer together. We were so in sync with each other that everything just meshed so well - we had the same schedule, cycles, interests, relative energy levels, and just vibed the whole time. No arguments or disagreements. We were both just down to do the same things and it made the trip SO easy. I was never really annoyed or frustrated with her. We got to open up to each other, partied, had some amazing food, and just fun!

The trip started off rough though - we landed and had to wait FOUR hours to get through their customs..absolutely ridiculous. By the time we were done, it was already lunch time and we were able to check-in to our hotel airbnb which we didn't anticipate before because we were supposed to arrive and be at the hotel by 10am, not close to 3pm.... Anyways I am glad that that didn't deter us from the good vibes at the start of the trip. Even though we were both so tired, once we took a shower, we went straight to our first dinner by the waterfront! We had a MEH meal, but the weather and vibes were incredible! We then finished the first night by the water, enjoying our first caiprinhas and got pretty lit just off that! Then we walked around the area and did some shopping before we wrapped up trying McDonald's - the McArch literally gave us both the runs LOL

Day 2 we started off with our second pastel de nata and ate it by a lookout point by our place where the tram used to go up and down. We walked to Time Out Market, around the area to shop some more/try some foods, then we did a day trip to Cascais, bought some souvenirs and enjoyed a bit of the beach. The hike down to the rock beach was too scary and it gave me A LOT of anxiety so I couldn't commit and made us turn back halfway... We then went back to Time Out Market for dinner. We then got back to our place to get ready for a night out! She was so down to go out even though it was like close to 10pm and I rarely ever go out here at that time, but what started off as a tame night, quickly began the BEST rage night we ever had. We got invited to bars for free shots and then by the time we reached the second, a karaoke bar, we met some girls from LA who were SUCH A GOOD TIME. We ended up bar hopping with them, being stupid, getting free drinks, just acted like we were 4 besties who have known each other for a long time! We danced on tables, sang our hearts out, screamed at disgusting men approaching us, laughed at this girls' taser LOL, went to a drag show, and ended off the night having drunk McDonald's. Easily one of the best nights I had!!! Thankfully wasn't too drunk or hungover!

Day 3 we had a later start to the day as we got home at 5am the night before LOL we got to this TikTok popular seafood rice spot - wasn't my favourite, did a bit of shopping or browsing in the area, and then went to check out some lookout points before we had to go back to get ready for the boat party. Nothing to say about that one besides it was SOOO fucking cold and not the vibe. We ended up meeting two ladies from the same province we live in who had mutuals with my friend LOL. We got shawarma at the end of that night, ate it at our Airbnb and went to bed haha

Day 4 we checked out another cafe, had some OJ and pastel de nata. Then we went to LX Factory! We enjoyed some sangria and some chips + salsa on a rooftop and it was lovely weather! We then made a stop to the sentido jewlery store where we went OFFF on some amazing new pieces, so happy about them! We got hungry and stopped by an Italian restaurant for some pasta - it was delicious. Then we made it back to our place to change and get ready for dinner at Bono, the BEST spot we dined at. After that, we walked around Pink Street and back to where we were at day 1 to meetup with my friend from France who I met 5 years ago in Miami! We ended up grabbing caiprinhas again, and then a guy from a Denmark handball team approached us and we got roped into going to K Urban Beach Club with him and his friends that night. Many drinks were had, many dudes had approached us. Another night that ended up at McDonald's with me facetiming my Italian guy again (won't get into this, but we were supposed to do a week of space/no contact by my suggestion, but I called him twice and ended up texting him the whole time.. I couldn't help it.. I missed him and love talking to him..anyways I digress), and getting back to our place at like 5am. We met a Jake Paul lookalike who was OBSESSED with me...lol but let's not talk about him...

Day 5 we had an AMAAZING lunch at Faz Frio - best truffle potatoes I've ever had! Then we walked to see some Miradouros - look out points. Very underwhleming...got some photos then we checked out some flea markets, and stumbled upon the biggest ZARA and went ham on shopping LOL after that we went back to change for dinner at a Japanese spot - CRU. Delicious food once again! We got back to our place and had continued the rest of the "We're Not Really Strangers" deck and opened up to each other about quite a few deep things....it was nice! We had some snacks and wine during it as well!

Day 6 we woke up and went to SEEN Sky bar - beautiful rooftop patio! Super windy and it started raining, but the OYSTERS were BOMB! We then walked around this boujee area for shopping and then ended up at a mall where we did some more damage at another Zara..the items are such good quality at decent prices! We then dropped our stuff off and went to Belem Tower, got a lemon sorbet ice cream which SLAPPED and had some wine from "Wine with a View" - I even got to keep a souvenir glass! Then we were hungry so we walked over to a food truck and got more wine and a charcuterie board! We finished off with a pastel de nata at Pasteis de Belem - the BESTTT SPOT FOR IT!!! Then we finished our last night off back where we started day 1, by the pier and with a caiprinhas in hand. The owner of Drinks4All even gave us 2 free shots and remembered our names..it was so lovely! Then we went back, finished up our packing, and got up hella early today at 7:15am to make it to the airport. It's now 6pm local time and I am starting to get tired. What a trip! I am so happy and needed to get away. Even though I am tired, I feel refreshed and relieved of my stressors pre-trip! I am so thankful for travel. I am grateful for my travel buddy bestie. Anything else that is going on in my life that stressed me out before this trip - family surgery stuff, Italian guy, content...all of that can be dealt with, but I feel good about everything right now!

[sadsoultaco]

May 11, 2025

Maybe I should take comfort in knowing that he: - was the one who brought up "what we're doing" as soon as he felt like things were getting too much for him with attachment and moving too quickly - could have continued to use me for a FWB and convince me to continue to hook up with me and cut it off down the line - respected me enough to cut it off at our highest of highs because he knew that continuing any further would hurt me - has a fear of hurting and disappointing people

I rode such a high ever since meeting this guy and after I saw him last night, I've been processing how everything just went so wrong. We basically had our "breakup" tonight. Knowing he needs to heal on his own and that I can't help him. NOT knowing what this relationship could have been... it's eating me alive because I genuinely feel so comfortable around him, have no bad gut feelings or major red flags. He satisfies so much of what I was looking for...

He's so incredibly funny. His sense of humour compliments mine so nicely. In just 11 days time, I've never laughed so hard with a man before. It was so refreshing and genuinely makes my heart so warm.

He can get so vulnerable. The men who I thought were vulnerable in the past, proved to me that they weren't being so genuine. This guy felt shattered knowing I used to have depression and was s**cidal. He opens up and tells me how he feels and he's not afraid of it. He cries, he looks at me with so much guilt and hurt in his eyes when he knows he hurt me. He feels so deeply.

He understands me. Everything above, but knowing who and how I am. It feels like I have known him FOREVER. He feels the same way too.

He's sexy. I didn't find him so attractive at first, but I've fallen for his smile. His big arms. His tattoos. His strong, protective stature.

He's hard working and driven. He started his own business and is actively putting himself out there to network and do more. He has great ideas and I am proud of his growth.

He makes time for me. He's consistently texting me, spends hours talking to me on the phone with no awkward pauses.

He is always pulling his phone out to take pictures or videos of me when I'm doing something funny or random. He filmed me making a pizza with him, pictures the morning after our first date lol, me showing off my OOTD, me saying a phrase in his language, me in his sunglasses, in the elevator of his condo, in the store he suggested us to take a two POV photo, more selfies in the car, me playing a shooting game at the arcade...he was capturing so many fun and joyous moments.

We just vibe. We can be silly and goof around like bros. He doesn't take life so seriously. He's DOWN to get just as weird and crazy with me. Gets in the shopping cart.

He's supportive - he listens to my work, gives me compliments on it, and tells me how proud he is of me.

He listens. He remembers things about me. He references things we've talked about or I mentioned in the past. He asks about my mom. He cares. He is thoughtful and genuine and kind.

I can go on and on about the things I like about him. Not to say that there aren't a few thins that I don't like about him, but the good things outweigh the bad tremendously.

With this trip coming up, it will be good to have some space from him and him from me. I hope that time apart will really push him to try to heal, process what's going on, and realize what's right in front of him. That him not trying to heal what's inside of him, is going to jeopardize his future and make him lose out on what could have been a happy, fun, understanding, loving and beautiful relationship. I hope he can see it. I hope he can realize. All I can do is hold onto the hope that I have and pray that the universe, my spirit angels and spirit guides will protect me along this journey and show me that all of this is happening for a reason. 444.

[sadsoultaco]

May 8, 2025

Wow...I have not blogged in a while and regrettably, probably not the best because I used to journal all the time, but I guess fortunately for me, life has been busy in good ways..until now.

I can't believe in the span of 1.5 weeks, so much has happened. I went on 2 first dates, had a traumatic experience with one of them, and then dealing with my mom's surgery amidst trip planning, work and content creation. All of this running on little to no sleep.

I am extremely exhausted, mentally and physically drained.

I don't even know where to start. My mom went into surgery yesterday (finally), but the recovery is the hardest part now to see. What makes it worse is that I am leaving on a trip next week, but I guess in a way it's a good step away from all the stressors and weight that I am feeling from things at home. I am sure my dad and sister will be well-equipped to hold down the fort while I am away.

Now let's get into these dates...I went on my first blind date and it was interesting to say the least. TLDR, it's a no for me. This guy was basically looking for a shiny trophy wife to take care of his every need - cooking, cleaning, and just being in her feminine. Which don't get me wrong, I would love that, but not at this stage in my life when I want to be out, exploring, meeting people, working, growing my professional and side business. The experience was interesting though.

But now the more heavy focus...the other guy. I met this other guy in an ideal situation...at a fancy wine tasting. I remember the moment I met him.. I saw him walk-in and didn't really think much of him, but was introduced to him by the host. I shook his hand, and then went back to shooting content with my friend. He ended up sitting in front, one person right to me. I had a good vantage point of him, but I wasn't really interested. He was speaking at the event and so I made an effort to pay attention and noticed he did give me quite a bit of eye contact amongst everyone else seated at the table. It was such a fun night with some of my creator friends - the food was amazing and I actually enjoyed every glass of wine I tried. Towards the latter half of the night, I actually got to speak to him for a minute when he came by to me and one of my friends. He didn't ask me much as we got interrupted by an announcement, but we did end up taking a photo together at the end. Haha I remember complimenting him on his scent, to which he returned the compliment. We then stood next to each other, arms around each of our waists just smiling at my two friends taking a bunch of photos of us. We were exchanging a few funny remarks as we posed and smiled wondering when to break our contact, and I found it so sweet that at some point we were laughing together and holding onto each others' hand???

Myself and two of my friends ended up staying behind to chat with him a bit more and we got to know him better and it was nice. We're all around the same age so it was just nice to be able to relate and connect on the "same level". We stuck around maybe for another 45mins or so and then we left. I honestly didn't think I'd see or hear from him again because even though I started to find him cute (I had a lot of wine lol), I didn't think too much of it. But that night he messaged me and said it was nice meeting me. We then got pretty flirty and he was very persistent in asking me out on a date. I ended up saying yes when my plans changed at the last minute and literally went on a whirlwind of a date just days after meeting him. Things have already progressed SO quickly. I've only known him for a week and we've already:

Seen each other twice

Spoke on the phone twice - each time the call was about 3-4hrs long!

Have inside jokes

Been quite intimate...

I didn't really have any expectations going into this, but he was so persistent, funny, and actually showed that he CARED for what I do and what I'm about. He fully listened to my podcast and provided ongoing commentary with him LAUGHING and so engaged. He remembers little things here and there too and can reference back to it which is so key for me. I told him I don't like a certain word, and he said he respects me enough to not use it around me which is huge to change that part of who you are because I said I didn't like it.

I don't know...a lot of other advances were made in the last few days and I genuinely don't know how to feel about it, but I like hanging out with him and talking to him so far. He has shown me that he cares, checks in, can be vulnerable, funny, works hard, and a giver. Not sure if this will go anywhere, but I know me and know that I can't let myself get attached after a week of knowing someone. Thankfully I don't feel a crazy attachment or that I am "falling hard" for him - rightfully so after all these traumatic experiences with men LOL but I am happy with how things are progressing so far as I am just having fun!

[sadsoultaco]

new year, new post

It has been a REALLY long time since I have blogged anything on here and that's honestly because I've been so busy and just kept a lot of rants/venting to myself in the last couple of months. Also, not too many crazy things have happened for me to feel so compelled to blog about it. Additionally, I have undergone serious transitions in my brain with the amount of exposure I've had to my screens and smoking maybe a little too much each night that I now understand the meaning of "brain rot". Anyways, I needed to get my thoughts down on "paper" because some things have been weighing heavy on me that I don't really have anybody to talk to about.

Friendships have ALWAYS been a huge part of my life and trying to find genuine people has proven to be a bit of a struggle. At the start of last year, I cut off a lot of friendships that were incredibly toxic - these people had a secret animosity towards me, and/or chose sides when the first part happened. I mean the truth is, people choosing sides goes to show who was always there for me and who wasn't.

To be honest, the friend group I was in was probably the worst of it and I honestly don't care about that one much because none of my other close friends or family even liked any of them. I was always told that they gave off really bad vibes. With one of my male ex best friends, he decided to choose their side and unfollowed me on one of my Instagram's and then muted me entirely on my personal account. At that point, you might as well just unfollow me. I have always lowkey been a petty person when shit like this happens because literally WTF did I do to you?! I have always been the friend that thinks of others and puts their needs before mine. I always do my best to give them opportunities, reach out and plan events, give them gifts, speak highly of them, support their goals and passions, listen to them rant....all the things that friends do that I would hope would get in return. Sure these friends listened to me rant as well when I needed it the most, but everything else? Not prevalent. Were they ever thankful and appreciative for the things that I did for them? NOPE. All they did was take take take, and then be all fake about it when things went sour or when I treated them the way THEY treated me. But it's all good because at least all of those friendships ended so I never have to worry about those people ever again.

But now...I have a small, tight knit friend group that I put together. All of these individuals are MY friends that I brought together and are now becoming close and trying to plan things to do on their own without me. Like that makes me feel ways....

I have one friend who claims to be my best friend who I have observed acted a bit weird with me lately. I gave this friend SO many opportunities, practically got him into the spotlight and now they are getting more invitations to things and they aren't even inviting me out to things anymore OR being very secretive about it. He wouldn't be where he is WITHOUT ME. He wouldn't be with their partner WITHOUT ME. He wouldn't have gotten all this clout WITHOUT ME. It sucks that you do so much for people and they end up succeeding you without as much of a thank you or appreciation for getting them there. The biggest issue that doesn't sit well with me that made me change my perspective on him was when I invited them to an event that I got invited to....needed to cancel to shoot content, and THEY STILL WENT TO THE EVENT?!?!?! How do you still go to an event that I INVITED YOU TO? How do you prioritize flexing and taking MY opportunity when I needed help shooting content. It's really telling of a person to choose that over helping a friend. The real ones were there and that's all that matters.

It just sucks that I feel like even though I am good at bringing people together, I somehow always get left behind or don't have as much fun as everyone else when I was the one who made things happen.

I don't know what to do now. I guess in the last month, I stopped including and inviting people to events and just went to them by myself or invited other people who aren't in the scene to take advantage of my opportunities. I think a big thing is that I am also going to stop telling people about my opportunities because I am afraid of people wishing the worst on me and not being happy for me. So many times I have spoken too soon and watched things not work out. I think my biggest lessons are to really just keep shit to myself, grow in private and just let that be my noise when I succeed and have the product/end result to show for.

Lately I have been feeling so conflicted with the relationships in my life.. I hope it changes soon with the New Year just starting.

[sadsoultaco]

5:14pm

Jeez, life has been so busy that I haven't even had time to sit down and blog. It's been 2 months since my last post, but I feel like I am busy in a good way.

Besides being down with cold symptoms after the long weekend at a music festival, I am slowly recovering and getting back on my feet. Work is busy AF - recruitment seasons is heavy with 2 back to back roles that I am hoping to at least close ONE before I leave for my trip in September. Content work is also BOOMING in all the best ways possible, but it's really gotten me busy. I am thankful though in a way that the events have slowed down so I can focus my evenings on shooting/editing or just coordinating and getting back into my normal routine of going to the gym and catching up with friends before the summer ends.

I feel like my life and mind has been so GO GO GO that it never shuts down. I multi-task and jump from one thing to the next and only when I feel like I have a break, I scroll endlessly on TikTok or catch up on my Netflix shows. Things could be worse, so I am very grateful for all of the amazing opportunities I have now that I was working so hard to manifest last year!

Life is good! I have so many amazing paid collaborations that have finally landed on my lap with multiple brands, amazing opportunities and event invitations, meeting amazing people, and getting the exposure that I was seeking last year. Everything feels like it's coming together behind the scenes. I am so excited to see what else is to come for me in the future.

Work is good - I am still making mistakes here and there, but overall my boss recognizes that I am making improvements and excel in certain areas. I know that I need more refined polish because I still forget to do certain things or my critical thinking isn't as strong. I don't have anything to blame it on, but myself and just not being mentally as strong and in it as I used to be. I definitely feel like a year off has really stunted my mental growth and intelligence. I need to find the time to get back into reading again and build up my vocabulary to further enhance my articulation.

Boys are the least of my priorities right now as well as friendships.. I feel like I am SUPER laser focused on work and content right now to even give a shit about them. To even expel any energy on people that won't benefit me. And truthfully, I don't want to distract myself in a headspace where I know I've struggled in the past with. I don't want to meet someone and be sucked into another cycle of anxious attachment. I don't even have enough time for my own self-care and love that I don't want to use what limited time and energy I have left on losers. I'm good on my own and so happy and content with everything right now!

[sadsoultaco]

June 1st, 2024

Oh boy do I have updates to share. Happy June 1st. Here's to new beginnings, new chapters and new adventures.

Yesterday evening I finally cut off the fucking red flag fucker that I was dating for the last 2ish months. I was so fucking mad at myself for being put through this crazy situation again. This guy love bombed the shit out of me in the beginning, saying all the right things, got me in bed, asked to be exclusive, said he could see himself falling in love with me, planned cute dates, got me flowers and a card, called me sweet nicknames and did allll the things that would make a girl naturally get swooned and attached quickly.

I fell for all of it. I took it with a grain of salt, but it still got me because I never experienced anything like that before and stupid little me got caught up in the moment thinking that people can actually be this genuine and excited early on. I was love bombed. He played me for a fool and I am so fucking mad at myself for letting it happen. I was reassured at the beginning because of the things that he told me that I never felt any real anxiety around him. He was providing me with that security that I never second thought anything. The red flags were apparent, but I suppressed them because there were so many green flags at the time. We had so may shared values and commonalities that it was hard to fixate on the red flags at the time which were his alcohol addition and the way he talks about his exes all the time.

They say that your body is a strong indicator of whether or not a person is good for you based on how it reacts around them. Even though I didn't feel anxiety for a bulk of the beginning, I rarely get panic attacks and had the BIGGEST panic attack on my way to his place on a Wednesday evening.. I fully panicked the second I drove and parked in his visitor parking. I haven't had a UTI in YEARS and I got one after I slept with him the 4th/5th date. I then got STREP throat as well. I hadn't been sick in so long or had a panic attack that bad and all three of these things happened to me while I was with him. It was like my mind was so confused and not feeling the anxiety so my body was like HEY THESE ARE THE WARNING BELLS IN YOUR BODY, PAY ATTENTION.

I learned so much from this fucking experience.

I attached way too much expectation on him because I shouldn't have listened to ANYTHING he said about the love bombing shit. I should have continued to take it all with a grain of salt and not even treated our situation any different. I got so fixated on all of the things I wanted a guy to do (made future plans, wanted me to travel to Montreal with him, wanted me to meet his friends, invited me to a concert months in advance, planning music festivals 2 months in advance...). He knew all the right things to say to me because he knows how to play the game and has been IN the game for 34 years.

I got so anxious when he started pulling back, making him the center of my attention by fixating on how I needed to depend and rely on him for my own happiness. I gave him so much power and for what reason? Because I was insecure and unhappy with myself. But also because he set the pace so fast at the beginning, love bombed, said all these bold things and then when I wanted to slow down, he wouldn't really respect those boundaries. I would tell him what I needed, what I didn't like that he did (granted early on in the dating stage) and he wouldn't do anything to fix it. It was so fucking clear that I was being disrespected and he didn't give a shit at all.

I send my breakup text to him and block him and he never made any effort to reach out to me. I unfollowed him on all social media. He unfollowed back on one of my accounts, but not the other. He still watches my story. I don't know what his game is, but I am glad I am done with it.

This is going to take a lot of healing on my part. Dating has always been a hard challenge for me. I need to try to work things out on my own first before relying on friends. I need to stop having so much expectation for people early on. Take things with a grain of salt. NOT PUT ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET! Be chill, be cool, date around, have fun and don't stress over things you can't control. As soon as you see or feel a fucking red flag, please find the strength to walk away. For the love of Universe, PLEASE. I could have left this guy 2 weeks ago when I started to feel the anxiety and vibes shift. Never again. Please.

[sadsoultaco]

4:21pm

I'm laying in bed after a long weekend of ups and downs in terms of how I'm feeling with this guy. It started at such a high on Friday, then it died down Saturday morning and I was extremely exhausted - mostly due to lack of sleep and a hangover, but the conversations had just didn't quite satisfy me.

Leading up to Sunday's event, it was nice, but it started out super tense. The rest of the day was fine, but then Monday morning and rest of day was off. Am I expecting too much? But I genuinely felt like the vibe was off. I felt that he was pulling back. I felt like I was annoying him by invading in his personal space. I addressed it and felt better talking it out, but I can't help but feel like something switched. Something changed. He felt it too. I was surprised. He feels like things are stagnant right now because we've hit a point where we're trying to find a balance and figure out how to navigate moving at the pace we did whilst not even being in a relationship together. He said he's holding back a lot now because he doesn't want to love bomb - call me babe, show PDA, etc. but in smaller doses to show he has affection, but not to the point you would in a relationship. He says he hears what I am saying and is becoming more aware of the things that I brought up that were a concern, but where did that guy go that I met the first few dates?

He seems to be a different person than who he was on the first date. Sober him vs tipsy/drunk him are two different versions of him and I told him that I don't know who I am going to get until we get into a certain situation involving alcohol.

My gut still tells me that we have a potential of growing something together. That there is a possibility of love and being each others' person. But right now there's some kind of blockage that we're trying to navigate and get through before we can come back to a healthy and loving place. I say all this stuff and my body is not rejecting it. It's not fighting it back. I know I have been really in tune with myself so this feels ultimately like it will get better and it's just a roadblock of me fighting my overthinking/fears/anxieties. And that I need to get back to a place of having a life outside of him. Go back to my passions and find that source of motivation again to work hard and be someone that he can continue to admire. Keep myself busy and pull back.

I need to relax and allow myself to be happy and enjoy the ups of the dating process. I'm going to make a promise to myself from this day forward in the dating process with him that I will focus on the ride, calm down, enjoy the moments together, be 100% myself, still make time for my friends and have a fucking life again. If he's serious about me and wants to make it work, he will make the time for me. He will make it work and chase again. It's time to take my power back and let him chase me.

[sadsoultaco]

4:03pm

I'm confused. For the first time I'm not confused about the other party, but I'm confused MYSELF about MY feelings for another person.

I've always been the one to be anxious and confused with how someone feels about me, but for the first time in my life, I am more concerned with how I feel and whether or not I like this person. And it's just so fucking crazy to me that there isn't anything "wrong" about this person in the time that I have known them so far. I never felt anxious around him...I didn't get any immediate red flags, though now I have one but maybe it's just due to his lack of awareness. He talks about his exes a lot. I want to think that he's doing this because he feels comfortable enough to tell me and be open and honest, but a lot of the times he brought them up, didn't really warrant him to bring that up. Sometimes he would preface by saying, "I probably shouldn't say this" or "this might be TMI" - so for some situations, he is quite aware that he shouldn't be bringing them up so much. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to know all of the intimate details of his relations with past partners. All I want is to know the past timeline, things he's learned from past relationships, any red flags or why things didn't work, significant reasons in terms of why things ended with certain partners and that's really it. For him to always bring up an example or story with one of his exes or someone he's dated just makes me feel icky.

I'm also concerned with how I'm not feeling the way I feel like I should be feeling. I know there isn't one right way to feel, but with all of my past relationships/situationships, I have been through so much toxic shit that I genuinely don't know how to think and feel right now. Communicating that to him has been kind of hard. I briefly shared with him my anxiety, but I didn't get into mental health. He's mentioned that he has been depressed maybe 2x in his life and that's it. Most recently for him was when he got sick with influenza for 10 days - it can be hard for someone to understand if they haven't really been through it and it seems like he hasn't felt what I have to my depth and I'm a little concerned about that too and how he will react to that.

He knows I've been cheated on and have been in many not so great relationships. I tried not to share much of this with him because I've done this in the past and guys have just used that against me in treating me with the bare minimum knowing anything they do will be so grand for me because I've never experienced it.

I'm feeling anxious today. I don't know what exactly my body is trying to pinpoint for me. Maybe I'm getting overwhelmed because all of these things I am going through are so new for me and I don't know how to navigate. It's a seemingly reciprocal connection, he checks a lot of my boxes, he's a great communicator and extremely smart and observant. He knows what he wants and he's going for it. He's making future plans with me. He wants me to meet his friends. I'm attracted to him. He makes me laugh. I don't feel nervous or scared around him. I feel comfortable opening up to him and sharing things with him. It feels healthy and healing besides the exes part. I think maybe a part of me is scared to mess up something good, but I try to remind myself that if he was my person and this was meant to be, nothing that I do will mess things up. Putting my faith and trust in the process is so hard for me because I'm not used to this. I keep thinking he may have ulterior motives and bad intentions. I can't help myself and it sucks because of how I was treated in the past. I want to let my guard down, but I've been hurt so many times in the past. I'm so scared to be fully happy and let myself feel every bit of emotion with him because what if he breaks my heart. I don't know that I am strong enough to bear a heartbreak with someone that I could see myself falling in love with because that happened once and it sent me down the worst spiral of my life. It could be all of these things subconsciously just eating me alive.

Universe, spirit angels, spirit guides - please help guide me through this connection. Keep me protected and safe with my heart and emotions.

[mv11]

[underratedmf-deactivated2024011]

ي

[hauteavocation]

[inloveforevr-deactivated2025041]

She is the poem - June Bates

[remanence-of-love]

[sternenpflueckerparadies]

-C

[sadsoultaco]

April 24, 2024

May the universe continue to protect me through this next chapter in my life.

I started talking to someone recently who at first, I wasn't super keen on because I was entertaining another guy who was a full-on love bomber with so many red flags that I wasn't fixated on anyone else. I then met this guy and had one of the best first dates - we went bowling, got sushi and then went to a bar. We spent about 7hrs together on the first date and could continue to talk for hours. He told me knew after the first 10-15mins that he was interested and wanted to date me. We went on a second date a day later and ended up hanging out for 12hrs and then a day later we hungout again for 7hrs. We would have such a good time laughing, asking each other questions, goofing around, doing fun activities and just being fully present with the other person.

Everything seems too good to be true. I don't sense any major red flags - just things that I may be cautious of, but a lot of it is me self sabotaging. I don't feel anxious at all like I normally would with waiting for texts, before meeting him, about saying anything to him...it's so easy, I feel comfortable and happy. His energy is so healing. He's so communicative and understanding. He just gets me and he listens. Sometimes he cuts me off though and changes the topic which I don't like, but that's something that can be worked on which is the only thing that bothers me and his texting isn't the best - he will respond to some messages and not others. But in person is so much better.

He knows and feels my guard is up. I'm trying not to hold back and give myself in fully, but it's so difficult for me to fully do given my past which I have explained to him. I feel like things have been moving so fast and he feels it too, but he says that there's magic and he's going with the natural flow of things. I just don't want to get hurt. I feel good though. He reassures me without me even having to ask. This feels so healthy and healing and I've never experienced this before. I know I am being guided and protected along my journey and I hope that this is real. That this is my time and chance to fully explore a real connection with someone and that it will be and exceed everything I've ever manifested.