sara

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[sakleijn]

when i think of the first time i fell in love with you i think of all the moments where i have stood in busy rooms filled with the people i love in which i still found myself thinking of you. thinking of how i would rather be with you doing anything, or nothing at all.

- sk

[sakleijn]

i never knew i could be moved by something so incredibly out of my control.

- sk

[sakleijn]

i couldn’t hate you, so i started hating myself. please love me, until i love myself.

- sk

[sakleijn]

i wanna be perfect for you, but i don’t wanna be changed by you.

- sk

[sakleijn]

i spent nights laying on my bathroom floor wondering what it was that i did that made me such a bad friend.

- sk

[sakleijn]

we never talked about it. the way you yelled after you found out. we never talked about the “after”

- sk

[sakleijn]

in december i couldn’t get out of bed. i had to remind myself to brush my teeth, and to answer my friends’ calls. cause i wouldn’t have any left by the end of the year.

- sk

[sakleijn]

uncomfortable conversations, that need to be held. i run from them, like i run from you. i run and run and run, and i don’t know how to stop. i don’t know how to stop running from vulnerability.

- sk

[sakleijn]

you ask me about the scars on my wrists, and i tell you about my day. i lie and i lie and i lie. the bandage sticks to my wrists.

- sk

[sakleijn]

there is something in the back of my throat. it wants to get out. i don’t have a language to describe it in. i just know it misses you.

- sk

[sakleijn]

the way our knees touched and neither of us moved. i don’t know you but i know this, i know there was something there. there was something in your eyes, that you also saw in mine.

- sk

[sakleijn]

i think you’ve grown angry with me for all the things i never told you for the bruises on my wrists, and what he left behind.

- sk

[sakleijn]

talking about my feelings makes them real. if i keep quiet they don’t exist. i can hide them away, in the corners of my mind.

- sk

[sakleijn]

i think i miss you a lot, but i never told anyone. i think talking about it makes it real.

- sk

[sakleijn]

time heals all wounds, but it’s been a year now, and i still see you in my dreams. you’re still there when i wait for the bus.

- sk

[sakleijn]

i get sad for long periods of time, especially during the winter. i see the snow fall and hear the laughs of children sledding down the hill, but it seems so far away. i can’t remember the last time i had more than two meals a day.

- sk

[sakleijn]

christmas is coming up, but i’m not happy. my family is spread across the world. new year’s day makes me sad.

- sk