Salty and Deprived

[saltyplusdeprived]

Tired again

I’ve worked at a high school for the past year and a month now. I get carried away with my thoughts often, and since I came here, I’ve been thinking about my high school days. I hated them in the moment, and objectively they weren’t that great. I always used to think my life was going to get better. 

For whatever reason, my dream ages were 21, 23, and 27. 21 has come and gone, I’m in the midst of 23, and 27 still has yet to come. 21 was alright. I still had college and friends. 22 was still fresh “adulthood” so I had some shocks and harsh realities to face, but the raw pain was still mixed in with pleasure and surprise. I felt somehow that 

So what has changed? I feel my head is fading away now, just two years later.

I’ve been struggling lately. I couldn’t give a damn most things. I am so tired. 

I am so disappointed in myself that I don’t have energy anymore. I thought maybe I could change. Now I don’t care if I live or die.

[saltyplusdeprived]

i feel a little bit like i’ve come full circle this past year. not much has changed, maybe. maybe i’m just feeling nostalgic. maybe i’m just depressed. 

when i first came to japan i wanted to be a different person. i really wanted to everything over. i did everything i wanted to do and more. was i happy doing that? i think the exhaustion from doing everything all the time prevented me from having any judgment. somehow i had energy to carry on for a good five or six months. i’m not sure where that came from.

but, after that, i crashed. winter was really hard. the spring was hard. the work situation makes things significantly worse but outside of work too, i was still struggling. i don’t think i cried, though.

now, i feel more like myself than ever. i’m scared about that, because i believe just being myself will make me not succeed. there are so many things i need to work on. i just dont have any motivation or energy now.

[saltyplusdeprived]

i’m still here

i’m still here and breathing.

i wish i could say i was thriving but i am too honest. 

[saltyplusdeprived]

New beginnings + it’s raining

There are so many things that I want to do, kind of.

I have to get moving on my blog.

I’m a bitch. I wish I had a Japanese keyboard. I just got half-internet.

My shoulders hurt.

[saltyplusdeprived]

What is happen

I am lazy I am sad I am impatient I am disappointed I am depressed I have no identity I want friends I want a friend I want sex I want love I want to know somebody I want someone to like me I want someone to love me I want to do well next week I want to do well tomorrow And the next day And I want to have fun on the weekend And actually make friends And maybe something else I don't know There are so many things that I want right now that I don't have. And I'm sad and in stressed about it. I want to make myself into a real person but I can't. I mainly want a boy with a big smile. And I want to be successful.

[saltyplusdeprived]

There was a flicker of light And then a fleeting moment of peace But then the wind started to blow I heard it through the sliding door at night And I shivered in my sleep Woke up feeling empty and tired The coarse ways of the world Opened the wounds again And now my entire body is stinging

[saltyplusdeprived]

More days in japan

I am incredibly tired And I feel lonely Fuck you for making me feel this way. Why the fuck did we have to meet. Everyone I see now could never be as good as you. I took a nap and now I'm going to try to quietly practice my oboe. I haven't touched the thing in such a long time. I got home today exhausted. I was so hungry. I still am so hungry. I was going to exercise but the sun is setting. I don't want to feel creeped out running alone. I don't want to get lost tonight. I have to wake up early again tomorrow. Things are happening but so slowly, and it's killing me. I'm trying my best to be patient. Fuck you. I wonder what happens when I get to 1gb of data. I wonder what will happen next week. I wonder what will happen this weekend.

[saltyplusdeprived]

complaints and thoughts about living on my own in japan

These are very scattered thoughts. I have a lot of complaints and worries right now about the very basic necessities of life... This is bad. I think I'm most worried right now about not getting arrested. I don't know how to do everything correctly here, from riding a bike to getting to work on time, to taking out the trash, to paying my bills, to getting Internet. There's so many basic things that I haven't mastered or even tried yet and it's very overwhelming. I really dislike how hard it is to throw anything away here. My predecessor left __so much crap__ in this dumpy, old apartment and didn't throw out any of it. I have to get rid of it all. And if I don't do it perfectly, I will get fined. my internet situation is terrible. I have the worst phone plan and the worst wifi situation in the world. I don't know how I'm going to pay for any of it either. I am really worried about having enough money. I have the air conditioner on whenever I am home because otherwise I will get heat stroke. I don't know how to survive this summer without air conditioning. I'm sure the utility bill will be attrocious. I can't wait. What if I can't pay it? Will I get kicked out of Japan? On top of the very real, concrete issues I have with living on my own, I'm worried about my health. I'm getting unhealthy from all this crap I've been eating. The 100 degree heat and humidity makes it unbearable and dangerous to exercise. I don't want to cook too much because of the danger of overheating myself. How does anyone live here during these months. If I survive until September I will be so happy. I'm worried about making friends. I'm trying to focus first on being able to live here (the practical issues I have above), but I'm also worried about finding people here I can spend time with and learn from. I'm not sure if any of the people I've spent time with so far like me. I'm not sure if I will become close with anyone. I still have feelings for someone back home but I think I shouldn't hold onto that, because I know he isn't going to. It's sad because I don't think I will ever meet anyone like that again. I wonder if I'm too honest and straight forward to be loved or liked by a person. Maybe that's my problem. I have no shame anymore. I feel very lonely all of a sudden. It took me twice as long to get home today as it should have because I bought the wrong train ticket and had to ask many people for help at the station. I wish my Japanese was better so at least I wouldn't look so silly all the time. I'm worried I'm not making a good impression at work. I was already late on the second day. I need to ask about my summer vacation days. I really hope I'm allowed to take them, or have them in the first place. There are way too many things to think about right now. I want to cry and go to sleep and not wake up. I don't know how I'm going to solve any of these issues anymore. End rant

[saltyplusdeprived]

to keep my health, to do my work, to love, to live, to see that i gain and grow and give and give. 

never to look behind me for an hour,

never to wait in weakness, nor to brag in power,

always working, searching for more truth, more light,

always writing, teaching what i found good and right.

robbed, starved, beaten, fallen wide astray.

back with the full-truth i’ve learned 

...

[saltyplusdeprived]

I think today was an ideal day. I had to physically and emotionally recover from the past few days and I think I did so successfully.

I didn’t do very much. I read for a bit, slept a bit, ate a bit. The rain was good background noise for all of these activities. It’s still raining now, very peacefully.

If I do leave soon, I’m going to miss eating salsa. I can’t imagine what life would be like without it. But if I don’t leave, I can have all the good salsa I want.

I thought a little bit more about my situation today. I feel like I’ve become too introspective over the past years. I’m a little bit detached from reality at this point. My emotions have become more condensed and I feel less as a result. Gray feelings. Nothing can really catch me off guard anymore, and I don’t feel strongly about anything one way or another. I guess that’s a good thing. 

However, I am looking forward to seeing what else I can fill up in my head, in the areas that used to be taken up by emotions. Something good, I hope. Useful information? Knowledge? Underneath my dull exterior, I still have a desire to become an interesting person with a dark shadow.

[saltyplusdeprived]

Novel ideas

I’ve been feeling down lately. Although I am wallowing a bit in my own misery, I figure maybe I should do something about my strange situation and sadness.

1) Remember one good thing that happened during the day, no matter how little or insignificant it feels. It’s probably better to be appreciative. Life is volatile and unpredictable, so when anything good comes my way, I have to recognize it, cherish it, and be mature enough to let it go when I have to.

2) Don’t get bogged down. I feel drained and emotionally vulnerable a lot of the time depending on what happens around me or “to me.” I need to grow a thicker skin. I don’t need to pay close attention to everything that hurts me.

3) Remember that my reactions to things are important and defining. If I give up then everything ends on a sour note. Maybe there’s beauty in failing at life (suicide, dropping out of society, etc.), but it’s probably not the best thing for say, my parents. Or my dog. (There are other ways I convince myself not to succumb, but I will save listing those thoughts for another time.)

4) Believe that I will make something out of myself, one day. I have serious doubts surrounding my personal capabilities and the objective significance/weight of my “potential,” but I will never know where or how far I can go if I don’t try.

[saltyplusdeprived]

Status report

I’m in a strange place, still. I feel like I often think I’m in a strange place.

But, seriously though, if my head was in a strange place at any point in my life, it would be right now. I cycle between overthinking and not thinking at all about everything and anything. It’s black and white and I know that’s bad.

I’m reckless in my decisions. I’m kind of happy currently, but I know I’m going to be in pain soon. I am already hurting, actually. I know the temporality of things and while I am fascinated and am trying to embrace it, I am really damn scared and sad about it. I am going to wake up soon and feel hollow.

I wish I knew what was going on in my brain.

[saltyplusdeprived]

Reflections, take 1 of 68,549,877

I think the dust is clearing now--I’ve overcome some sadness (temporarily) and I’m done with everything I have to do. All there is now is emptiness, though, and I’m not quite sure how to fill it up. I don’t know how to go about that, though, and I don’t even know if I should. I tried so hard for so long and in the end, I have nothing. Everything in me has been used up. But what do I do now?

[saltyplusdeprived]

Doing this on my own

I’m obviously self absorbed, but maybe not in a clichéd way; I care deeply about what others think about me, but I hate myself. However, in the past months I’ve realized that people are either 1) unaware of my existence or 2) disgusted by my existence. There’s no in-between, and I’m not sure which opinion is worse. I’ve tried to please people for too long and all that’s really happened is weariness, loneliness, and self-loathing. If no one else is going to love me, I may as well love myself--something I never thought I could do (and something I can’t do, still). But I may as well try; I have always looked for validation outside of myself and outside of my family (the only person who could give a rat’s ass about me is my mother: props to my mother!). 

It is abundantly clear to me now that I make zero impressions or negative impressions on everyone I come into contact with--how or why, I don’t know--but I’ve struggled trying to figure it out for my entire life and I still don’t have an answer. I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of the disappointment.

Goal of 100 percent self sufficiency. Because the world is a really screwed up place, and it’s home to even screwier people.

[saltyplusdeprived]

I wish I didn’t feel the way I feel, still. I’d like to think it’s because I’m physically stuck in this unhealthy environment that I feel so unhealthy. But I really don’t know if things are going to get better.

It’s been awhile since we parted ways. You rejected me after a year of putting in everything we had. I put in everything I had and I was trying, so hard--but you didn’t understand. At the end of it all, you still didn’t want me.

I wish you had wanted me. I wish I was over this. I wish there was hope of finding something else, but I’m afraid it’s too late for me.

[saltyplusdeprived]

Realizing you have no friends

Over the past four months or so, I have come to the realization that I am not only socially inept, but also incapable of every improving my abilities to be social as a human being. I am unlikable and also intolerable. My friends are apathetic about me and they actually don’t like me. There’s no way I can ever interact with human beings again. I want to shoot myself every time I see people. I’m so ashamed of myself, but I think the situation is hopeless. There’s no end in sight and there’s no way I can ever connect with another human being again.

What’s the best thing to do in a situation like this? I think I’m going to hide away for awhile and see how that goes. Maybe there’s meaning to life beyond people? I’m not sure. Maybe I'll learn math instead. I just don’t know how to deal with loneliness. But I think all feelings subside after awhile. We’ll see. In three weeks I’ll say goodbye to this miserable existence and be off on my math journey.

[saltyplusdeprived]

How to not get laid

1) Ask the person through a friend how they feel about friends with benefits (fwb)

(pro-tip: make sure it is someone you actually wouldn’t mind doing)

2) Wait for the person your friend is texting to freak out

3) Have the friend reveal the identity of the interested party (that’s you)

4) Text the person yourself and apologize for the immaturity; you are interested but too bashful to ask

5) Commence awkward flirting and “planning” of the fwb situation

(pro-tip: the person is already in another fwb situation, but their person wants it to be monogamous)

6) Person will ask you to eat an awkward meal with them where you will discuss sex positions, fetishes, etc.

(pro-tip: make it a late lunch on a friday, for 45 minutes)

7) Person will tell you they are going to likely break it off with the other person so that they can sleep with you

(pro-tip: at the end of the lunch, after telling you that they are in a fwb with the other person who wants to be monogamous, the person of interest will try to kiss you. shout out in confused protest and then awkwardly let them kiss you without you reciprocating)

8) Valentine’s Day! Things haven’t progressed so send them an awkward, sexually-suggestive card

(pro-tip: include a tiny chocolate)

9) Person of interest will reciprocate with a sex coupon!!! Redeemable at any time, with unlimited uses!!

10) Text person of interest and ask if you can redeem it!!

11) Nope, person of interest is still with monogamous-seeking fwb partner

12) Wait a month, ask again for a status update

13) Nope, person of interest is still with monogamous-seeking fwb partner. They assure you it will end *soon*

14) Lose self-confidence; consider contacting person of interest one last time

(pro-tip: don’t do it)

15) Celibacy