So I have never written a blog but I wanted to share a bit more of the changes I have been going through since we decided to start trying to make more environmentally friendly choices. Â Today wasnât necessarily the day I was going to start writing but its been a day!!
After a bit of a mental break down last year (which if you are close to me you will know about) if you arenât close to me this is helping my recovery and hopefully helping anyone else who feels they just arenât good enough or donât deserve the life they lead and how ive been able to turn it into something positive. Actually it wasnât a bit of a breakdown (im trying to be honest) for me it was a real turning point in my life, it was realizing that if I didnât make a change then potentially my marriage would struggle to survive.
If you donât know me I have two beautiful sons from a previous relationship, Reggie is the oldest (11) and he is the most like me in temperament and Lenny (8) who has the biggest heart of anyone I know, but we were on our own for a little while after separating from their dad and they got me through each day. Until I met my husband, a total chance encounter when I was out on a girls night out with my best friend, that I totally did not expect to result in a wedding (an absolute fairytale) and a beautiful third child, my absolute character that is Alex.
So fast forward a few years to October 2018 where I was helping run the biggest online delivery department in a large supermarket chain (bear in mind this was a role where I started as a shopper just after I finished maternity leave with Alex, and within a year had proved myself and gone through a rigorous training program â that actually  I couldnât be more thankful for, for the skills I learnt and the people I met -) but I started work at 3AM in the morning and although I was supposed to finish at 12:00 this rarely happened, and then I needed to come home and be Mum to a full on toddler and two older boys who were going through some real difficulties themselves and I needed to be there much more then I was physically able to be because to be honest I was just so tired all of the time. What I didnât realise was that actually this tiredness was actually depression. And this depression had been slowly eating away at me for a long, long time. Now on the outside why would I be depressed? I have a loving and attentive husband, 3 beautiful children and a really good job which is what you put out there for the world to see (social media reality verses actual reality) but in actuality I was drowning.
We made the decision to move from a rented 3 bedroom house into a 3 bedroom mobile home in my in laws garden in January, Â because we knew that even if I worked full time and so did my husband we could never save up enough to own or own home. We were so fortunate that I have literally the most supportive and loving in laws anyone could ever possibly have, as they were willing to let us move this stonking huge caravan into their garden!!! Not only did they allow this but they have allowed us to basically use the entire garden as if it was our own and we are often âborrowingâ items we have run out of from their kitchen!! This did put a huge strain on my bigger boys, (although they shared a room before) they now had to share an even smaller space and they were going through a huge amount of anxiety at their dads house too.
So in the short space of 6 or so months we moved from a house to a caravan, I increased my hours at work and also my responsibility with my job level, my bigger boys moved schools, we moved out to the countryside and into my inlaws garden and our lives changed drastically. Each shift at work became even more stressful, there was a day when I started at 3AM and at 2PM I had locked myself in the back of a van while I called James to tell him I had no idea when I was going to make it home because I had to stay until the job was done, the buck stopped with me and I have never ever been able to give anything less then 100% . That day my bigger boys got home from their dads house before I got home from work, and as a mum you feel so guilty. The guilt never stopped it just built, the guilt where I was so exhausted I just wanted my then 2 year old to have an afternoon nap so I could sleep too, or the guilt of falling asleep while watching a family movie with your bigger boys and not spending the time with them, the guilt of just letting them get away with behavior that normally you would stamp out because you are just too tired too cope and then the guilt of knowing that your husband who is working a full time demanding job has to come home and parent for both of us because his wife is a walking, forgetful zombie. The friction in the house was awful; on one side you have the bigger boys who are lashing out because this is their safe zone because they too are going through it with their dad and their mum is a bit vacant, and on the other side you have a step-father who is trying his best to parent them but also raise a 2 year old to not copy their bigger brothers not so great (for some reason I canât write bad!) behavior, then there was me⌠the glue⌠the only reason all these people were stuck in this miserable situation together.. so I reasoned what if I wasnât here anymore? Then that would take away this situation, the reason that these 2 sparring factions were in the same house⌠and this is a dangerous mindset. Add in the tiredness, the constant stress from work, from my wider family unit and the mum guilt of never quite being there enough for each child and then the day, the day I sent my son on a school trip with no lunch⌠and he was too polite to tell anyone at school he had no lunch because he didnât want me to feel bad that Iâd forgotten, this was a recipe for disaster.
This kind of feels like a tangent, but actually itâs a starting point, like a bit of a cleansing to get it kind of all out (not really all,  just like a bit of an overview) but thatâs how you get to where the changes began. The call to my husband from the driveway after work, which id left 2 hours lateâŚagain⌠im pretty sure he didnât understand a word I said through the sobbing, but he left work in an instant and came to me because I needed him and he knew that I did and that day was the start of our fresh chapter. I never did go back to work after that and I take each day as it comes now but I am so grateful that, that day led to our change of mindset and that, that day has led me here. It led me to have the courage to be a âstay at home mumâ who loves baking, and helping with the PTA (at our school they are called FOTs) , and annoying the older ones immensely because I help out at everything I can just to give back and to watch them enjoying themselves when they think I canât see them! And it led me to agreeing with James that we should start something of our own, a business that has grown into a lifestyle choice, which has increased our awareness of the world dramatically and has also helped increase our boys awareness too.
This is where @Salvagestitchrestore was conceived, we began with a small idea of repurposing/ recycling/ reducing to create new things from old and unwanted items and its now nearly 8 months on and we are still going. I know this is not a long time, but to us its huge, and it means so much that families have benefitted so much from our creations and that we have done just a few small things to help the planet along the way.
For me mentally it has meant so much to be able to build a small tiny into a small business and a lifestyle change. It is not a walk in the park and nearly everyday a new challenge is thrown into the mix and lets face it, I know its the same for everyone, but I want to show that we can all pull together and support one another to overcome these obstacles and learn from them and move forward and turn them into a positive.
Ive totally rambled on enough in this!! Im sure I didnât even get to say what  I wanted to say but then thatâs the beauty of a blog ive found (being an expert since this is my first one!)  that actually its getting the words out and maybe something in here might resonate and maybe help just one person, then this was totally worth it!!
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