A Journey To Grow Our Family

I am a wife, SPED teacher, outdoor lover and my wonderful husband and I are foster parents.

[samiam288]

There are moments while being a foster mom that fill my heart with joy and gratitude. Recently we took in another foster daughter who is 12 and we still have our 17 year old foster daughter as well. We have never had to juggle two separate cases before so that is a new learning experience. I can’t help but think that people probably think we are crazy. Sometimes I think we are crazy for saying yes to another placement as well when we were really in a good routine with our 17 year old. As a family of three we talked and prayed about saying yes to the 12 year old and feel thankful we did say yes. It has been a blessing to get to know her and see how well the two girls get along. Now it has only been over two weeks so it is still in the honeymoon phase but so far I think things are going well. The younger girl really looks up to the 17 year old which is very sweet. If there is any 17 year old to look up to as a role model I am thankful it is her. I am beyond proud of the woman our 17 year old has become and continues to evolve into. I have always admired her resiliency, responsibility and the way she advocates for herself with all the people involved in her case. She is entering into her senior year and I am filled with so much joy as she has chosen us to walk alongside and support her during this amazing journey she is on. I am excited to see her take senior pictures, enjoy driving her own car to school, graduate high school, tour colleges and go to prom. She is breaking through barriers and creating a new legacy for her life.

With all of that said, today I feel blessed I am a foster mom to these beautiful girls ❤️

[samiam288]

One of our teen girls in our care returned to her mom a little over a week ago. It has been a whirlwind of emotions to say the least.

Honestly these past few months have felt like a blur. I experienced some really challenging things with our placement that just went home. There was a point in the last couple weeks that I felt numb to everything that was going on. I had felt utterly depleted and when I took what little time I had to myself to refill my tank it was only just enough to cope with what was going on. I have realized that I was just getting by. Doing the best I could with what little I had left to give.

Right now I am describing my journey forward as one full of healing. I want to be intentional about loving myself and allowing myself to feel however I need to feel. It has been really good to reflect on the past 11 months we had with our teen girl. I finally feel like I can breath again.

I pray that the teen girl who went home continues to receive the support and love that she needs. I pray the transition goes well.

[samiam288]

I am not gonna sugar coat this and keep it real with y’all. I have had to do some crazy things as a foster mom that I honestly never thought in a million years I would experience or go through.

*Taking a teen girl to get a SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner) exam at the hospital. I held her hand through it all and tried not to cry.

* taking a teen girl to an impatient behavioral health center (twice) and having her stay for at least a week each time.

*getting locked in my own garage because a child was mad at me.

*locking myself in my car to have a private conversation.

*seeing a child learn how to swim for the first time.

*taking a teen on her first date with a boy

* meeting with a police detective with our teen placement at the time.

* rubbing the back of a frightened little girl who just wanted to be with her mom.

*playing Barbie’s with a girl to bond

*watching a biological parent become sober and baptized with his daughter (Beautiful!)

*letting a little girl wear a Cinderella dress with cute little heels all day.

*having a little girl run and hug me, telling me how much she missed me.

*being called mom for the very first time even if it was just for a little while (melted my heart)

*throwing fun birthday parties

*having a placement lick the bloody nose tissue that another peer used

*having objects thrown at me

*thanking God for parental controls on phones

*installing window sensors in our house ( you can probably guess why)

*yelling at our teens boyfriend in front of her work (like the scene from instant family)

*Taking a child to the emergency room because they passed out on the school bus.

*learning more about hearing loss and cochlear implants (the process in which to get cochlear implants)

*taking a placement out to various stores right when they arrive so they have clothes and toiletries

*being told from the teen that they have demonic seizures

*navigating a teen being transgender

*laughing hysterically

*creating new and fun memories with each placement (rafting trips, baking classes, camping trips, theme parks and road trips)

*having a teen want you to adopt them (literal tears)

*saying yes to our placements having snakes and geckos in the house (along with the cockroaches they feed the gecko)

*having a heating lamp for the reptiles burn a whole in the carpet (burnt carpet is legit the worst)

*taking a teen to get a nose piercing

* taking plenty of videos when the teen got her wisdom teeth out (endless entertainment)

* navigating the whole period thing with a teen who just got it right when they came to us

If you have read this far I am impressed. I wrote these down as a reminder for me. In a way it is therapeutic as I remember the really amazing beautiful moments that I would have never experienced if I didn’t say yes to being a foster mom. There have also been crazy moments that I honestly have no idea how I get through. I get through them because God is my foundation. Along with our amazing community and a great counselor.

[samiam288]

“It is ok if your strength looks different in this season” MHN

I have just recently started seeing a counselor and I feel grateful that I am able to do so. Being able to talk freely to someone about everything I am going through as a foster parent is a breath of fresh air. My counselor recently told me this quote and it has stuck with me ever since.

I have wondered what my strength looks like right now. To be honest I have struggled with this question. Right now I feel completely worn down and depleted as a foster mom. This has made me realize that my strength right now is saying no when I almost always say yes. I have come to realize that by saying no to these things is me saying yes to my self care. I have to remind myself that I can’t do it all.

[samiam288]

Is our foster care journey all about you?

This is a question that I wrote down while journaling today. I feel like some family has made this whole foster journey about them especially now that we have had teens. Here are some comments we have received

-They are not my grandkids and therefore I will not treat them as such.

-It is much easier to love and bond with a newborn than it is a teen.

-Why are you fostering teens? Wouldn’t it be much easier if they were younger children or even a baby.

-You wouldn’t adopt a teen would you?

-We admire what you do

-We support you

-It is a lot harder to bond with a teen and we just don’t know how to approach things

All these comments have either lifted us up or hurt us. I believe any child of any age that is in foster care deserves love. I don’t think love has any limits. These teen girls didn’t ask for any of what they have been through to happen. They are not to old to have someone care about them or want to know them. Yes they are teens but that does not exempt them from love. My heart breaks when I hear some of these comments. I try really hard to understand that persons perspective and the things they say to us. I usually nod and listen. I don’t want to ever force anyone to ever be apart of our foster family or take an interest. That choice is on them. Our foster care journey is not about you, us or anyone besides the children we welcome into our home.

[samiam288]

I love being a foster mom and feel very blessed my husband and I can do this. We currently have two foster placements right now and they are our first long term teen placements. Let me just say I love the teens. It has been so fun to do all sorts of things with them like hiking, rock climbing, and going to all the sports/ activities they love to do. I mean they definitely have their moments like any teen, but that’s to be expected. These girls have been with us for about 3.5 months and we have learned a lot.

We just recently came up on our two year mark of being foster parents and don’t see ourselves stopping anytime soon. In those two years we have learned a lot. Most recently I have had to come to terms with things that I have never thought of. Recently my brother and his wife welcomed a baby girl into the world. I am an aunt for the first time and simply overjoyed. My mom has gone down to see her new granddaughter frequently (understandably so). I am so excited and have loved seeing my niece as well. What I did not expect to feel was grief in a sense. As we have struggled through infertility there are things I have felt I have had to come to terms with. Recently I feel sad because I have never had that experience of a newborn myself. I have never had my family flooding to my house to see my newborn child frequently or wanting to come make meals for us as we adjust to having this little bundle of joy. That has been hard. It is a different world being foster parents. I think a majority of the time people don’t know what to do which is understandable. I know our families have the best intentions and try hard but let’s be real they are just not that excited to come and meet our teen placements as they are to welcome a new baby into the world. This is the reality of things which I understand. It is just really hard at times. I love our foster kids and always will. To us they become apart of our family once they walk through our doors.

[samiam288]

It has been a hot minute since I have written anything. So here is a an update.

We currently have no foster placements in our home and have not since mid October. Our first placement we had for a year moved in mid July. That was one of the hardest things we have ever done. We are grateful for everything we learned with her and actually just did respite for her recently which was amazing. We feel thankful that we can still see her. Then about a month and a half later we got our second placement of two sisters. One 5 and the other 8. They were freaking cute and while they were only with us for a month and a half we had a great time with them. They loved to give hugs, color and read books. We were originally told that they would be with us for a while but as with everything in foster care things can change quickly. They moved to a kinship placement. We were very happy for them as this was a good move but we miss them dearly. Since then we have done respite several times. Then we were in the process of having two sisters, age 10 & 11 move in with us around Thanksgiving time. They were moving from another foster family but the team found an uncle who had moved back in town so they moved in with him and his family instead. Then around the beginning of December we got a call about two brothers age 4 and 8 needing to move from their foster home. We said yes and were in the process of having them move in to our home. Then the team decided to look into a kinship placement so everything was put on hold. We talked to our home supervisor about what to do next and she suggested being open to calls. We have been open for calls a couple weeks now and have not gotten any. I want to say we are patiently waiting but I would be lying. I feel like I am impatiently waiting and wondering if we will ever get a call. I sit here wondering maybe we are low on the list because we both work full time jobs. Maybe we just are’nt good enough. Needless to say it has been hard waiting. I constantly try to remind myself that I need to just trust God and that it will happen when it needs to. There are moments though when that is just freaking hard. We have walked this journey of trying to grow our family for a long time now ( I don’t even know how many years). I start to think of all the other ways we could go about expanding our family. Serrogacy, IVF....again( heck to the no) private infant adoption or maybe we are just meant to not have kids which quite honestly is crushing. So here I wait whether I want to or not ,I have no choice. Trying to make the best of it by providing respite or watching our friends kids. We miss the sound of children running around our house or having toys everywhere.

[samiam288]

I try to hold myself up and keep it all together. I try my hardest to be this great foster mom. Remembering that I am anything but perfect and to have grace for myself. Easier said than done. With our decision about being an adoptive option I feel like I am just going through the motions of it all. Then tonight a wave of emotions just fell over me as I feel so sad and emotionally worn out. The time I get the opportunity to decide If we are an adoption option we say it’s not what is best. Gosh that is freaking hard. It’s freaking hard because all we have desired is to have kids. I want to be a forever family and in my mind I thought if this opportunity came up we would say yes. To be in a position where we are a no is so much harder than I ever imagined. In all of this I can’t help but be so frustrated with our infertility. In this moment I hate that we have struggled with infertility. I just want to scream it’s not fare and you know what that’s ok. I can sit in this and let myself feel the way I feel. So many times I make myself feel bad for feeling this way but no more. If I don’t feel these emotions then I bottle them all up. Today I was jealous of my friends who have cute little babies they can snuggle and watch grow. Today I was mad at myself for feeling jealous and to remind myself to be grateful for the little girl we have had the blessing of being foster parents to. Today I put on a happy face when on the inside I am trying to work through all I was feeling. I will remember to take it moment by moment and to let myself feel all the different emotions without any judgement.

[samiam288]

About a week ago I made this mala. As you can see it represents courage. When I decided on the beads I did not know how much this would mean to me two weeks later. My husband and I have had to make one of the toughest choices since being married. A few weeks ago we were asked to seriously think about whether or not we want to be an adoption option for our current placement. This is our first ever placement since becoming certified foster parents and we have only had her in our home. Based on certain circumstances we know that for her placement to be successful that she would need to be the only child. We were accepting of this and knew it was needed. There have been many ups, downs and all arounds and we will have had her in our home for a year in July. We had some beautiful moments that have left a lasting impression on my heart and moments when I feel heartbroken or just want to scream. I still can’t believe it has almost been a year. In this time we have learned so much and I know even when this chapter comes to a close we will continue to look back and learn even more. We are grateful for all we have learned and look forward to our future as foster parents as we would love to take sibling groups and have multiple children. This week I learned to be brave even when it is hard and my emotions are all over the place. Even as I move forward I know it takes courage in every moment of all that is happening. We seriously couldn’t do what we do without our friends and family.

[samiam288]

I feel like time has gone by so quick after Christmas and New Years. Celebrating Christmas for the first time as foster parents with little miss was a lot of fun. We actually had all of my family over for Christmas Eve and it was a blast. I felt so blessed that everyone made it down to our place especially since we decided not to go out of town for Christmas which I am glad we did because little miss had a visit with her dad on Christmas. Since Christmas little miss has been doing great behaviorally. There have been no tantrums, hitting, throwing or screaming like there has been before. It has been a breath of fresh air for sure. Maybe the holidays brought on a bit of anxious feelings leading up to the holidays. I am so very thankful things have been going good and adjusting back into the routine of being back in school. There are still moments that any kid has with handling her emotions but nothing like before. We are just going to keep moving forward and giving her praise in the respect she has shown as well has her growth in being able to really stop and think before making a choice. We are all feeling really excited about the new year and what it holds for us.

[samiam288]

Feeling it all

This week has been on of the hardest weeks. Tonight at bible study we had a little Friendsgiving and little miss got all upset and we had to go talk in my car. We worked it out and the rest of the night was ok. Well I just completly broke down crying. I could feel myself this week trying to keep it together. Remain calm when she was getting all worked up screaming and yelling at me. Well tonight I just had to let it all out. My really good friend who just got certified with her husband as foster parents came out and was awesome. I appreciated it so much. The encouragement and hugs mean so much. Especially with a week like this when you wonder if you are cut out for this whole foster parent thing. I am thankful for our amazing community and the love and support they give. Tomorrow night we have support group which I am really excited for. Little miss is anything but excited as this support group is new because we just transitioned into it from new comers group. The kids are new and she says they are all mean and that she doesn’t want to go and will just sit in the car. I pray it goes better than what she is describing. Trying to stay positive and press forward with love, patience and understanding.

[samiam288]

Going with the flow as best we can

Well I don’t think little miss will join us for our trip out of state which is a huge bummer. Even though I told them two months ago about going I don’t think our caseworker ever put in the request. She just shot us a text saying it was denied when it really probably wasn’t. We were so excited for her to come and experience something new. I mean things could change last minute because that’s what seems to always happen but for right now I am super thankful I arranged respite care. It is definitely not ideal and I hate giving such short notice for respite but there are amazing foster parents who are there to help.

Oh and to top it all off we never received confirmation for her visit with dad to start up this past Sunday night. We never got an address or anything from the caseworker. Well we planned out our night and were in the middle of making dinner when the visitation supervisor called asking where she was. Are you kidding me?! I explained to her that we did not know where or that it was even confirmed. We hop in the car and I zip her over. Once I dropped her off I saw her embrace her dad and the pure happiness of them finally seeing each other. My heart filled with gratitude that I could get her there and then a hope that it all works out in the future. Dad is very nice toward myself and my husband and for that I am grateful.

I am so frustrated with our caseworker. I can’t believe she dropped the ball on these things. I really have no sympathy for her because all of this is affecting little miss and that is not fair at all. With all of this crap going on we really try to be as positive and neutral with little miss because once we get all worked up and emotional she will feed off that which we don’t want. Doing our best to go with the flow and continue relying on God through it all.

[samiam288]

It seems that recently little miss has started to really make some gains on handeling her frustration and anger. In October we really saw a spike in behaviors with more tantrums that included screaming and just full meltdowns. We got a feelings chart, choice wheel and feelings journal. All of these things have helped a lot as we have really tried teaching her some coping strategies. She seems to be in a more upbeat mood and is willing to try different ways of calming down than before. It is kind of surprising because her visits have gotten all messed up. I feel so bad for her and this shift in visits. We still have not received the updated address for visits from our caseworker which is super frustrating.

We also told our caseworker, GAL and homesupervisor about a trip we want to take to Utah this comeing Friday for six days. We told them the dates two months ago as soon as we decided to go. On Oct 15 the caseworker was supposed to bring it to the judge but forgot and told us she would ask the next day. Well I have no idea what the heck happened but the GAL, home supervisor and even caseworker told us it would most likely be approved so when I get a text from the caseworker this past Wednesday night saying it was denied I was surprised. Now we have less than a week and a half to find respite because everyone waitied till the last minute. Then I get a text from the GAL asking for more details about the Utah trip and that she is trying to get approval. What! I thought it was denied but the GAL said she thinks it never was. Now we are less than a week away and we have no definite answer so we proceeded to look into respite to be on the safe side. No one has told us anything in a couple days and it is driving me crazy. We just need an answer for goodness sake. It is so frustrating. We are trying to be as positive as possible around little miss. It is hard at times because we are really trying to create a stable home for her with consistency, communication, and love but it feels like everything around us is working against that.

[samiam288]

The highs and lows

You know that song Hot N Cold by Katy Perry. I have recently felt myself thinking of that song as little miss goes from one extreme to the next. I loved camping.....no! I did not like camping. We are learning that the honeymoon phase has ended and we are really getting into the thick of things. We have some really special moments that we love like snuggling up on the couch or the excitement she gets when she can come workout with me. She has truly started to show that affection towards me like wanting to always be right beside me and have my arms around her. I love it. She is so sweet and thoughtful. We also have moments like today when we experience the biggest meltdown yet. She was pretty ticked that we were listening to our music and she wanted to listen to hers. She was not having it. Her door was slammed and she was screaming. We came to a compromise and talked through her emotions which was really good. We are learning to ride the highs and lows while not taking anything personal. I will continue to celebrate in the highs and work through the lows with love and compassion.

[samiam288]

Respect

“Trusting God means you don’t get all the answers at the beginning of the journey. That would not require trust” #soulscripts

We don’t know everything about little miss or her case. All we know are little bits of info here and there. We went into becoming foster parents with that understanding that we won’t know everything that this child went through and we have accepted that. I am learning that the people around us think that we know everything. People will sometimes ask us every time we see them “what is new with the case” or “ is she going home soon” “ are you adopting her?” “What’s the story” “is she adoptable?” “Why do you have to wait so long to get permission to leave the state?”

These questions drive me a little crazy at times. Out of confidentiality and respect for little miss and the situation I do not share the information. I do not know everything and don’t expect to. The process for getting permission for anything is what it is. I’m ok with it. I want people to have understanding for it all. Maybe understanding is not the right word because a majority of the people in our life does not fully understand what we are going through as foster parents. Maybe the word is respect. Respect that we are foster parents and we do not know everything. Respect little miss and her emotions as she battles the ups and downs everyday. Respect that we have to get permission to leave the county and state. It takes some time, so please respect that.

I have also learned that as we have little miss with us everyone still kind of expects us to still travel to see them out of the county. It is more work to travel out of the county now and we do our best. It would feel amazing if people came to visit us every once in a while. Little miss would love it. Now I am not saying no one visits because we have close friends who live in our same town that come over all the time and we love it. I have learned just how important those friendships are. The ones that truly feel like family.

That was kind of a rant. Thanks for reading and hearing me out. We continue to trust God everyday and rely on him in the unknown.

[samiam288]

Our world turned upside down

I first want to start off by saying that we love being foster parents, and are beyond thankful for the little girl that we get to love, support and pray for daily. Once little miss came to live with us I felt like things seemed so surreal, like is this really happening. Our house is now sprinkled with all this cute girly stuff, glitter, unicorns, and dolls. As we go into month two of having little miss with us I have learned some things and I know I have way more to learn.

- people have the best intentions in there questions but are very uneducated in the whole foster system

-we have become way more organized in our scheduling (therapy, visits, home visits, etc)

-planning a vacation (even out of county) takes a lot of work with getting approval. Now to see how the process goes for getting approval to leave the state.

-foster care can feel lonely at times and I am learning how very important community is

-the cam scanner app is a life saver with all the paperwork

-try leaving 5-10 minutes early because you give yourself a better shot of leaving on time.

-learning to coordinate our home supervisor, Caseworker and GAL to do there monthly visits on the same day together.

[samiam288]

A new adventure

We have had our first placement with us for almost a month now and it has been great. There have been little things here and there we have had to work through but nothing crazy. We have loved getting to know this little girl and see her fun personality come out. School has started up and we are all adjusting to a new schedule and routine of things. Since she came to us I have loved getting her room set up, going to the park, hiking, playing with the dogs, going to the library, sitting by the fire pit, reading books, playing dolls, doing her hair, and simply enjoying family time. Along with her adjusting to living with us I have learned more about her past and what she has told me. It breaks my heart to be honest, and the more I hear the more it breaks. I love this little girl and pray that she be where she needs to be that is safe and loving. We also had our second support group tonight which is amazing but to be honest after hearing about the families and some of these children’s back stories I was overwhelmed. I legit drove home bawling. My heart truly broke for these children. At the same time I had this gratitude that these children are now with amazing families. God is doing amazing work through these foster families. I continually pray and lean into God as he teaches me more and more everyday as a new foster mom.