‘I just can't find my keys, can we do this later?’
I felt lightheaded, I was gonna throw up. I cant believe i lost em.
‘It’s okay baby, I'll help you out.’ she pushes me back on the toilet seat.
She locks the stall door. People could probably hear our whispered voices, my panicked tone and her sultry one.
She sits on my lap. I know what's gonna happen now. I don't know if I want it to stop or not. The anxiety over the lost keys was still burning. I can’t relax. I can barely think straight enough to lean into her kiss, which was rushed and sloppy. I remember our braces bumping n how weird that felt.
Her lips were cold and smooth; she was cold from hanging out on the ice rink all day. She told me my hands warmed her up. i was sweating bullets.
I kissed back, copied the way I've seen people do it on tv. It didn't feel right. I wasn't turned on, I didn't feel anything.
My anxiety burned me up more than her shaky breaths against my ear. Just, nothing.
I wanted my locker key back, I wanted to grab my stuff n go home. My mom doesn't even like her, and my friends ask too many questions.
But I felt so cool, the way I was making her feel, how she was drunk on our kisses. That made me feel good, that I was making her feel good. Even if it did nothing for me. Maybe it was an ego thing. Or a way to cope.
I thought about telling my friends that I got some, how validating it would feel. Maybe they'll forget the other questionable aspects of our relationship.
I also remember thinking at some point, ‘Do I even like girls?’
I still kissed back, I leaned back in and kissed harder. So I must've wanted this. I wanted to have sex for so long.
I read books about it, ive watched movies and shows, ive fantasized about it, even dreamt about it. So..?
Why can't I let myself have this.
I remember not letting her touch me. I binded extra hard, and I already felt dysphoric. She was a beautiful barbie doll compared to me.
She unzipped her jacket, or I unzipped it, I can't remember. I don't even remember who asked first if I could suck on her tits. But I tried it. n it gave me a chance to look away. It was an oral fixation, I didn't have to think about anything. Just picturing how I remember seeing it in that one porn video. Just focused on making her feel good. Giving her what she wants.
Maybe then I can go home faster.
Maybe I can even use this as my chance to eat pussy. But, I don't want that with her. I don't want it to be her.
I wanted to go home. I wanted a hot shower. I wanted the day to end.
pixelskylines
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amandla
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