Beast of Burden

Side blog for random stuff :] main acc: @bluelolblue

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Seeing everyone getting praises for their art/writing while I'm here makes me want to quit actually

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It's like I'm trying not to kms every day bc I think abt it. I know I'll end up all alone one day, everyone will leave bc I'm a very overwhelming person, I was alone my whole life and I get attached quickly. No matter what I do, it's always like that. "People come and go" it doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't. It hurts like fucking hell.

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It's 4 am in a few min and I can't sleep. I want to kms. I can't stop my mind from spiraling.

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I hate when I talk too much, well, send messages that are longer. I always have so much I wanna say, I worry I'm not being understood, so I try to explain all over again. I need to learn how to shut the fuck up. No wonder ppl stopped talking to me.

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3 am, thinking about ending everything

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Starting to think I should've killed myself when I had a chance to.

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I need to accept that I'm not worth trying for, but that's easier said than done

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No, I'm not okay. Every single day, I try not to sh again. Every single day, I ask myself why no one wants to give me a chance. Why am I not worth staying for. Why do I ruin everything. Why do I ruin everyone's lives. I'm no good, I just make things worse for everyone. I want to be a good person, a good friend to everyone. I'm trying to stay positive before losing someone in my life forever, I know I won't be well after that.

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Ahh okay I won't drink alcohol or smoke, I was told that could be very bad for me anyway. So I decided to drink coffee and drink energy drinks instead <3

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Imma be genuine.

HOW. Can you listen to TV or your phone on FULL VOLUME, especially if there's YELLING INVOLVED?? How? How do you not get overwhelmed?? Also, having TV on, YOUR PHONE AND ANOTHER SHIT THAT MAKES NOISE AT THE SAME TIME?? HOOOOWWWW???

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Do people just don't ever wanna give me a chance to prove that I've changed and can be a lot better? I do keep my words. I do. I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong all the time whenever I try to make things better

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I can't believe I live like this, I think this is emotional abuse. Idk what else to call this. Constant yelling, screaming and throwing things while on the phone with that person and putting me in situations where I'm fighting back panic attacks every day? Sounds like something seriously wrong. And nothing I say or do works. Absolutely nothing.

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I can't believe I got treated like dog shit on the side of a road

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I feel so mentally unwell today I can't get out of bed the whole day. I didn't eat much at all, and it made my stomach hurt anyway. I barely got Lara out for a walk. And I'm just in bed, and I can't do anything. My mind won't shut off at all.

I thought I made progress and now I'm back at where I was

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I have changed, I am more self aware, I feel like I can be a better friend.

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It's a different type of pain when you care so much about someone who doesn't give a damn about you anymore.

And I just can't understand why you would do this after seeing how much I'm trying and being honest and caring.

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Waiting hurts so much when you're mentally ill... I miss you so much, I'm sorry for everything that happened

I wish so hard for things to be okay...