I think my mom will always choose my sister
im mad at my sister. And i wish I wasn't.
I love my sister but right now i have this grudge again her, for something that i cant even blame her for.
Im 18 and she is 22. She has tried several time to get into uni but was unsuccessful (iykyk how hard is to get into university in italy for med) because of that she had been living still in my house with me and my parents. That should not be a problem. I have never made fun nor comment rudely about this with her, but her not getting into university feels like a punishment to me.
because she did an online school and cannot speak german well( we live in germany) she does not have many friends . My mom has asked me repeatedly to include my sister in my hang outs with my friends, this includes going to parties, dinners, halloween parties, my birthday parties, donner kebab with friends etc. this has lead me into feeling guilty to not include her into my plans or going outs with my friends.
She is everywhere i am. Every time i talk with my mom , even if its about personal matters, she appears. every time i want to go to the supermarket she follows me. Every morning she would use the excuse of wanting to go for a walk to drop me of at my school. Sometimes i would notice her following me to ny friend’s house when i needed to pick her up. I dont uderstand why she does this. She has repeatedly overstepped boundaries that i had settled. Im sure she means no harm but it makes me act rudely and aggressive towards her, just to get my point across. I understand that she might be feeling alone but it’s not like i haven't tried to include her or tried to have fun dates and hang outs with her.
my mom always defends my sister, im guessing is because she feels bad for her. Ive never heard her side with me, she did tell me sister to not act like “a mom “and to listen to me but has never worked, she makes me feel guilty when i tell her i dont want my sister there and she pressures me to include her in every hang out. The only time i spoke agains it direcly has been for my 18th bd party where i specifically told my mom i did not want my sister there. But she accused me of hating her and wanting to abandon this family and that i was excluding her on purpose.
then there is university.
At first i was planing on applying to universities in milan and florence. When my mom suggest venice i didn't really understand why, but after i was told my sister was applying to padua i understood. My mom wanted me to be close with my sister and live togheter. I got into venice, i love the university and im very exited of getting in.
the problem is that now my sister probably wont get in padua and my mom has told me and tried to convince me to remain in germany and study in another university( which she wants my sister to apply to) . She wants me and my sister to live together no matter what and when i mention wanting to have a place on my own she gets mad.
ive always felt ignored because of my sister. When i graduated highschool i was reminded that my sister did not have a party like mine, im constantly reminded that my sister did not have the same opportunities to make friends like me, when i got into uni after 10 minutes the conversation switched tot he fact that my sister did not get in.
ive become mad , ive become aggressive and resentful. If my sister had gotten into uni at 18 i would have not had all the fights, confrontations and lack of privacy that i had trough out all my high school years. I wouldn't have to share all my happy moments and achievements. I wouldn't have to compromise my life for her.
I love her, but I've become so sad. For the past 4 years i have not felts as anything but a body full of resentment. I thought that getting into university would have been a new start but it just keeps following me. Im scared that one day im going to end up hating her for real.
I've tried talking to both her and my mom many times, but every-time im called rude , inconsiderate or aggressive. Im scared of losing any of them and coming across as selfish. More when it’s my parents paying for my expenses.
i don't know what to do. This is ruining my life.
this had taken a toll on my mental helath. Im always serous or distant when im with my family and they always accuse me of acting differntly when im with my friends. Im not sure if they are aware of my mental health struggles but i fee as if they ignore them and instead say i always look mad and sad with them, and get mad at me for it.
i need therapy lol.
thank you for reading, its a lot but this is only like 10% of everything. I feel very frustrated and needed a place to let go. Im not sure any one is going to read this but at least i got to talk about it. Also sorry for any mistakes english is def not my strongest subject
vaporwave
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
turnnoffyourmind
amandla
romaincrisis
andulkaphoto
tangentwithtanner