update
i was admitted into the hospital on monday. it was so early and bright and full of so many clashing colors and lights. overwhelming. my side didn’t even ache that much, even though i’d pressed a scalding hot instrument to my skin several times. that was not okay. that really was not okay. it was the only way… i could bring myself back. it jolted me into a fit of anxiety and fear, but it was real, and i was feeling it. even after harming myself i continued to fade into a reality that didn’t exist. i couldn’t get the phrase “start over” out of my head. i was fading. i wasn’t me.
i needed help. i need help. thank god i am getting it. i think that hospital saved my life. i wasn’t close to ending it that time, but it was the first time i’d harmed myself with something other than my nails. i didn’t want it to progress into deciding to end my life or not.
i am going to start over, but not in a sense of ending my life. i am going to make a new blog and limit my time on the internet and on my phone. it makes the disassociation so much worse. i am going to get better. i will be me again.
send me a message if you would like to follow my new blog.
