so this is how onision fucked me up
while i’m not an anti o blog, i am pretty active in the anti-o community, usually through anon but sometimes i publicly use my blog name through asks and reblogs with my opinions/additions.
i’ve talked quite a bit about how gregs words and negative videos about mental illness has affected me, but i feel like i have so much more to say about how this man really hurt me. i’ve been seeing a lot of posts of people just talking to each other about how greg has affected them, so i just thought that maybe it was time for me to really write it all out.
just a small warning, i’ll be talking about anxiety, depression, and really negative thoughts in this, so if that’s something that’ll be potentially triggering, go ahead and scroll past this.
so, let’s start from the beginning. i was young, maybe 11-13, when i started watching greg. when i started watching his videos, i was already in a really bad place. i had just gotten out of a really toxic friendship, and i was generally secluded because i was in online school and was starting to experience anxiety and depression. my home life also wasn’t the best at the time for reasons i’m gonna keep private.
so, there i am, a little isolated girl, struggling with mental illness in a house where i felt like i couldn’t talk about it because of the struggles my family was going through. and then i find greg, this brutally honest feminist who’s passionate about things like the dress code, something i was also passionate about because before i went into online school, when i was in public school i always had shitty experiences with the dress code.
he talked about how important it was to speak up about r*pe and abuse, and i agreed with him on plenty of things, so i really liked his content. it felt nice to listen to someone rant about something i agreed with, to listen to someone make points that i would’ve said myself. i look back and realize a lot of what he said was pretty basic shit that everyone agreed with, but my little secluded self thought this was mind blowing.
now comes the bad shit. like i said, my home life wasn’t the best because my family was going through a lot and i felt even more secluded, i felt like i couldn’t really talk about what i eas going through. i was depressed, i barley got out of bed, i didn’t find joy in things i once did. i was struggling with anxiety, i couldn’t go out in public because it scared me. i barley did anything because of these two things.
in the suggestion box, i see videos talking about depression and s*lf h*rm. i watched them and was... taken aback by what he was saying. i thought he was going to be kind, i thought he was going to talk about the importance of getting help, but no. he sat there... showing blurred but still graphic images... and he laughed at them. he laughed at people venting, he laughed at people hurting themselves. he said that if you can take a warm shower, if you have a bed to sleep in, then you’re pathetic and a whiny bitch for doing thag to yourself. he talked as if that was basic knowledge. that i should agree with him, that it was obvious. so, i started following that mindset.
sometimes, i would be laying in bed, just feeling like absolute shit. i would be feeling alone and worthless. wanna know what i’d tell myself?
“you’re being fucking stupid. you have a good life, stop being whiny. stop being pathetic.”
i would tell myself these horrible things, because that’s was greg said. he’s always right, yeah? he’s brutally honest, so i should face the truth and listen. i’m pathetic for feeling sad and depressed, i’m pathetic for not being able to go out because of my anxiety, i’m pathetic for feeling alone...
i’m pathetic for not wanting to be alive. i’m whiny and stupid. i shouldn’t feel like this, i’m being selfish.
that mindset stuck with me for years. i would just... yell at myself. for years and years that’s how i would handle my mental illnesses, that’s how i would handle my problems. i would talk down to myself. i would feel even more worthless, more pathetic, more lonely. i would feel stupid and weird, i shouldn’t have anxiety, everyone i interact with things i’m weird and hates me because greg said so.
finally, i found the anti o community and i finally stopped supporting greg. i stopped watching him, and started hating him. but that didn’t make my mindset better.
to this day, my mindset will still slip into that. sometimes, i’ll talk down to myself just like i always would. it’s something i continue to struggle with and i’ll continue to work on it and begin to work on it with my therapist once i meet them.
i know my story isn’t as bad as others. i know that this may seem like nothing compared to other stories, but it’s my story. this is how it affected my life, this is the mark it’s left on me that i continue to struggle with. there are a lot of personal factors that i didn’t want to state publicly, but this was the best way i could describe what greg did to me.
so, greg. if you ever happen to see this
you’re a monster. i hope you know that and tell yourself that everyday of your life, just like you made me tell myself i was a selfish and pathetic bitch everyday of my life.
(i’m gonna tag a couple blogs that i’m always really active with. i guess i just want to let these blogs know that they were people who helped me hate this man, helped inform about how horrid he was, and are just generally nice people that i love interacting with, even if it is through anon!)
@basement-critics @phoenix-wright-against-onision @thestarks-against-onision @onioncritic (if you don’t wanna be tagged in this, just ask and i’ll remove it)
